Balance of power in poly relationships

[redpepper]

What about the balance of power in a poly relationship?

In my relationship, I am the center of a V (with an arm to my tertiary).

I have a friend who has two boyfriends. She is in a situation where she is in more of a "pong" game, shuffled back and forth.

We know a poly family whereby the wife is the power player and her husband and his girlfriend are not.

There is one woman we know that has several live-in boyfriends, with their wives even, and her own husband, and their kids, and her kids! She runs the show! Hands down, she decides who is a good fit for their family, and who isn't, even the connections her boyfriends and husbands have with others. They are all okay with it, as is she. Very interesting

I hate to say "power," because it is not what I mean. It's for want of a better word. Anyone have a better one?

I find it fascinating that these things evolve and take on an evolution all themselves. My friend says I am the hinge in my relationships because I have the pussy. Hahaha! That isn't true for every poly set-up.

Do you think there is a balance of power in your relationship? If so, who holds it, and what does it mean to you?

 

[AutumnalTone]

We each make decisions for ourselves.

I don't think I'd operate under any other power dynamic-- certainly not one where somebody else would presume to choose partners for me. Nope, I'd likely have to slow roast and eat anybody who tried to make that sort of decision for me. I keep an extra bottle of BBQ sauce around for that day when I decide to toss the kittehs in the slow cooker, and I could use that sauce on somebody trying to make decisions for me.

 

[redpepper]

We each make decisions for ourselves.

I don't think I'd operate under any other power dynamic-- certainly not one where somebody else would presume to choose partners for me. Nope, I'd likely have to slow roast and eat anybody who tried to make that sort of decision for me. I keep an extra bottle of BBQ sauce around for that day when I decide to toss the kittehs in the slow cooker, and I could use that sauce on somebody trying to make decisions for me.

Yes, it's not my idea of a good time. I wanted to express it's not how I operate! Still, it works for them. It would be too much hard work bossing everyone around.

That is why I didn't want to use the word "power," as it's not about control so much as the energy flow between people. Does that make sense?

 

[ourquad]

Kitten has the power in our quad, I'd have to say. We all tread carefully around her. I mainly do so in order to not make things worse on the guys.

The biggest power she has is over the individual relationships. If something were to happen to end things between her and Gator, she has plainly stated that she wouldn't want/allow Tech and me to still see each other. Nor would she want Tech and Gator to still do things together. (They are best friends!) She said even that would make her jealous.

To me, that's power. But, I've learned it's the price I have to pay for admission, as Dan Savage says.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I don't mind the word power, so I'll stick to using it.

Redpepper, the balance of power is not held by any individual in our relationship. It is held in the path that is in the best interest of your son. You are the focal point of our relationship. He is the focal point of our family. I willingly respect and honor that.

 

[Ceoli]

Kitten has the power, I'd have to say. We all tread carefully around her. I mainly do so in order to not make things worse on the guys.

The biggest power she has is over the individual relationships. If something were to happen to end things between her and Gator, she has plainly stated that she wouldn't want/allow Tech and me to still see each other. Nor would she want Tech and Gator to still do things together. (They are best friends!) She said even that would make her jealous.

To me, that's power. But, I've learned it's the price I have to pay for admission, as Dan Savage says.

Eek! Is that really power? It seems, in that sense, the dynamics of the relationship are being shaped by the person most able to destroy things. That strikes me as a really difficult thing to sustain.

I sometimes substitute the word power for fuel. In some contexts, they are synonymous. Energy flow is about who is providing fuel in what way. That shifts and flows in my relationships. I never get a sense that it affords power, one way or another. But it clearly keeps energy flowing between us, which is important.

 

[redpepper]

Kitten has the power. We all tread carefully around her.

The biggest power she has is over the individual relationships. If something were to happen to end things between her and Gator, she has plainly stated that she wouldn't want/allow Tech and me to still see each other. Nor would she want Tech and Gator to still do things together. (They are best friends!) She said even that would make her jealous.

To me, that's power. But, I've learned it's the price I have to pay for admission, as Dan Savage says.

Care to elaborate on this? I don't get how this would be comfortable, or work in the long term. It sounds like it's based on fear of movement and change in your relationships. How come she gets to dictate all that, anyway? I can understand that she would have emotions and jealousy, but it doesn't seem healthy for anyone that her emotions and jealousy be the focal point of your relationships together.

 

[PickMoreDaisies]

Shifting power

I think that I like to give the power to the person that happens to be having the most difficulty dealing with issues at that time. I think that it helps to have the feeling that you have some say-so when you are having a hard time dealing with things, and so I willingly give up the say-so when others are struggling. Does that make sense?

I wouldn't want to wield power over someone that I care about at any time, really. But I think that it allows the other person to feel that their feelings are heard if they feel capable of making important decisions about the relationship at critical points in it, and that those boundaries/feelings will be respected.

 

[Magdlyn]

Power? My gf is a former trained slave and has been more on the sub side in all her relationships. One of my goals is to help her find more personal power. She's in therapy, and her therapist says ours is the healthiest relationship she's had yet, because I am better at communicating than anyone else she's had LTRs with.

My other long-term lover is a FWB. He's a lot younger than both of us, and doesn't live with us. He just visits me (and more recently, us) once a month or so. There isn't really any "power" dynamic involved there.

My gf and I both date other people, but neither of us has found another serious lasting partner as of yet. But we're having fun trying!

 

[Tahirabs]

Shared Power?

It is interesting in our house. My husband Nils has the power when it comes to sex and anything intimate in the relationship, mostly because he can get very jealous. The adding of my gf Katja is very new to us (6 months) so she and I want to make him feel as comfortable as possible.

Otherwise, I have the power. When it comes to any scheduling of events, or planning anything, I am the one to do it, the one they both come to, to see if they can do something. ("What are we doing next Tuesday?" type thing.) Both Nils and Katja (especially Nils) are bad planners and not good at making choices, so I have just kind of filled this role.

I think this is interesting. Does anyone else share different kinds of power within your relationships?

 

[Ceoli]

Power? My gf is a former trained slave and has been more on the sub side in all her relationships. One of my goals is to help her find more personal power. Her therapist says ours is the healthiest relationship she's had yet, because I am better at communicating than anyone else she's had LTRs with.

That's really interesting. I've had friends whose journeys as subs have been about learning their power and understanding it. In lots of ways, that's kind of beautiful to see. My Dom/me friends often talk about how it is the sub who has the power in their relationships, and the sub gives the Dom/me the privilege of wielding that power.

 

[redpepper]

So, as an example of not really having the "power," I have been over the last week inciting interest in getting my guys to talk about our future together. It has become more and more apparent that we need to move. I need to move my studio out of my parents' home, and we need to stop using them for storage purposes. They have become completely un-trustable, and I fear them in the current state we are in. We need to get off the street they live on and find our own spot in the city where they are not near.

Anyway, I can't do this alone, obviously, and have begun thinking about what I would like to see possibly happen. I have been thinking for awhile actually, and putting feelers out as to what it is I am aiming for so that it can be open for discussion.

Up until this week I got no input from the men, other than they are not ready, or knowing laughs of appreciation.

I am saying this because really, like the D/s thing, it takes both to make it work. I could be "Dominant," yes, but really, I need them to step up to my dominance in order for me to be that, if you see what I mean. They have more power than I do, actually, as they are the ones that make the final decisions about what will happen in my life just by virtue of the fact that they are the last to have input.

(Just so you know, what I propose is a house that would be owned or rented by all of us, possibly with the addition of my ex-wife/girlfriend. I would like a house with several suites, or some kind of separate living arrangement so that we all have our own space and privacy.)

 

[ourquad]

Eek! Is that really power? It seems in that sense the dynamics of the relationship are being shaped by the person most able to destroy things. That strikes me as a really difficult thing to sustain.

I sometimes substitute the word power for fuel. In some contexts, they are synonymous. Energy flow is about who is providing fuel, in what way. That shifts and flows in my relationships. I never get a sense that it affords power one way or another, but it clearly keeps energy flowing between us, which is important.

Yes, you're correct. Power may not be the right word for this. It has been very difficult for me to come to terms with this. In the end, I have to remind myself that I am not Tech's primary relationship, and I knew that I never would be going into this. I remind myself that some bridges can't be dealt with until you actually have to cross them. And I remind myself that Tech and I love each other and we will both do our best to resolve something like that closer to our satisfaction, if the need arises. I truly believe these days that he would do his best there.

I've become stressed over this in the past, to the point that I wasn't enjoying what we do have. I'm thankful for his presence in my life and strive to live in the moment as best I can. That's been a learning process for a planner.

 

[AutumnalTone]

I think that it helps to have the feeling that you have some say-so when you are having a hard time dealing with things, and so I willingly give up the say-so when others are struggling. Does that make sense?

Yes, I can understand that sort of thing when dealing with specific, short-term circumstances. As a permanent dynamic, or even for a lengthy, indefinite term, I don't find it reasonable. I think it's too rife for abuse, and essentially unhealthy.

I'm certain there are folks for whom it works just fine, that whole diversity thing in action. We humans are a varied lot.

 

[ourquad]

Care to elaborate on this? I don't get how this would be comfortable or work in the long term. It sounds like it's based on fear of movement and change in your relationships. How come she gets to dictate all that, anyway? I can understand that she would have emotions and jealousy, but it doesn't seem healthy for anyone that her emotions and jealousy be the focal point of your relationships together.

I think I answered most of this in the above response. Kitten just doesn't show love the way I'm used to. That was one of the very few times she has actually admitted to jealousy, or the possibility of jealousy, though I would say she has felt it many times, by her behavior.

Kitten is so outside what I can understand at times. I never feel as if I explain her correctly. I've come to accept that getting her to change is impossible. (Things are never her fault.) I can only change how I handle things. And that means I have to distance myself from some situations. Both Gator and Tech understand that now. I like Kitten, and love her in the only way I can, but what the relationship is between the two of us can never be more until she does some changing and growing.

 

[NeonKaos]

This "Kitten" sounds like quite the speshul snowflayke.

What are some of her redeeming qualities, if any?