That "new" feeling with my husband because of my new boyfriend

redpepper

redpepper

Active member
I have a husband, Polynerdist, and now a boyfriend, Mono, that I consider equal, as far as significant others. Mono coming into my life has changed my relationship dynamic with PN and our family.

It seems when a new person enters a poly relationship, it is as if the relationship between the two (or more) that were already there goes through a period of time where they are starting again, getting to know each other all over again, in terms of another being a part of the dynamic.

The feelings I had at the beginning of my relationship with PN started again, at the same time as I went through the beginning stages of my relationship with Mono.

I remember looking at PN and wondering intently what he was thinking and going through, how he saw himself in our relationship, and what his role now was in my life. I wondered how much he loved me. Our sex life changed as I rediscovered things I like, and new things I like. We adjusted our time together to incorporate a new person. Everything between us just seemed new, as it does when a new relationship starts.

Now, at the dawn of a year of being together, all three of us, I find it hard to separate the two of them in my mind. They make up one whole relationship to me, much like having roommates for a year. The thought of either of them going just doesn't fit. The whole thing would collapse without the three. I doubt I can go back to it just being PN and me, and I can't see being with Mono without PN.

Anyone else have any thoughts on that, those of you who have established long-term poly relationships?
 
It's really true. We have experienced that very thing, Redpepper. It happens to us every time we get into a V or triad. It isn't just compersion, it's like we're somehow rebooting the old relationship with NRE.
 
That's great, Redpepper. I guess that's what we'd all hope for, right?

I've experienced that too, on at least a couple occasions. I think just adding that other perspective gives us the chance to look closer at what's around us, including each other. I call it getting out of the rut that all relationships just slide into out of familiarity and repetitiveness.
 
What I'm loving now is I feeling like my relationship with PN has gone back to some kind of normalcy. I sometimes look at him and wonder if he really is okay with me having so much fun and getting so much love and excitement. When I realize he is okay with it and actually welcomes the time he has for himself, it makes me love and appreciate him more for it. It makes me want to give more to him and help him work towards his happiness.
 
redpepper said:
When I realize he is okay with it and actually welcomes the time he has for himself, it makes me love and appreciate him more for it. It makes me want to give more to him and help him work towards his happiness.
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:D:D
 
ME ME ME! I so get this. We are coming up on three years together, and as normalcy sets back in, I keep wondering the same for the 'original' partner. But he keeps validating he loves having the time to take care of THINGS. He's a stuff fixer and he wishes he had more time to show his love by fixing more stuff. (Does this make sense?) Anyway, it took me a while to figure out he was really okay with fixing everyone's stuff, and every time it gives me more thankfulness and love that he is part of our family.

I can't imagine my life without every member of my family. We are amazingly settled into some very wonderful roles that complement each other very well.

Thanks for the thread, Redpepper.
 
I hope to experience this in my relationship. Nifty read and gives much hope.
 
Who knew!?! :)
 
redpepper said:
The whole thing would collapse without three. I doubt I can go back to it just being PN and me, and I can't see being with Mono without PN.
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I used to puzzle about this statement, especially the part about not just being with PN. I can't imagine a relationship of this nature without his presence, either. It really is something that needs the two of you for me to be healthy, I think. I have slightly different reasons, but at least I can somewhat relate. Cool.

I think you would do just fine with PN. He's great! If I weren't so straight and mono... ;)
 
You three are truly a beacon of light. Thank you for your presence here and all your inspirational sharing.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
I think you would do just fine with PN. He's great! If I weren't so straight and mono...
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Uh, no I wouldn't. I love you how you are, silly man! Too much has happened, and I am way too in love with you both to separate you. It would be like losing half of you both. I couldn't do it. Well, I would, because of the boy, but not happily.

Thanks, Catfish. I'm not trying to be anything but more myself. It's nice to know that that is okay here, though.
 
damncatfish said:
You three are truly a beacon of light. Thank you for your presence here and all your inspirational sharing.
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Thanks. Catfish. I'm no poster boy for poly, but we sure have found something between the three of us. So many things came together that I still get overwhelmed by how unlikely, and yet how natural, our fit feels.
 
redpepper said:
I have a husband, Polynerdist, and now a boyfriend, Mono, that I consider equal, as far as significant others. Mono coming into my life has changed my relationship dynamic with PN and our family.

It seems when a new person enters a poly relationship, that it is as if the relationship between the two (or more) that were already there goes through a period of time where they are starting all over again, getting to know each other all over again, in terms of another being a part of the dynamic.

The feelings I had at the beginning of my relationship with PN started again at the same time as I went through the beginning stages of my relationship with Mono.

I remember looking at PN and wondering intently what he was thinking and going through, how he saw himself in our relationship, and what his role now was in my life. I wondered how much he loved me, and our sex life changed as I rediscovered things I like, and new things I like. We adjusted our time together to incorporate a new person, and everything between us just seemed new, as it does when a new relationship starts.

Now, on the dawn of a year of being together, all three of us, I find it hard to separate the two of them in my mind. They make up one whole relationship to me, much like having roommates for a year. The thought of either of them going just doesn't fit. The whole thing would collapse without three. I doubt I can go back to it just being PN and me, and I can't see being with Mono without PN.

Anyone else have any thoughts on that, those of you who have established long-term poly relationships?
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Yes. I can't elaborate right now. Gotta go get on heat. But I will later.
 
It's been bizarre reading about everyone's NRE, because I'm not really there, in that way.

When I told Maca I was poly and that our relationship was changing, I fully expected him to leave. (Yes, I know, very different from your situation.) I was devastated by the idea, but knew I had to get my life straightened out so I could be real again. As you know, Maca stayed, but I didn't expect us to go through NRE with each other! That wasn't anywhere in the stuff I read. But that's exactly what happened! :eek:

GG and I have a good, solid, loving, secure relationship. There isn't the up-and-down drama that there has been between Maca and me. We've had a few downs in the time since that letter, but not really pertinent to the "poly" world, more to do with dealing with my neck pain, and needing GG to be more in charge when I just can't be. (Touchy topic, because usually I have my way of wanting things done, and prefer to do it myself.) But we haven't had any NRE, either.

Maca and I, on the other hand, have found new things we love about each other, new things in sex we didn't know how to do, all sorts of weird stuff like that. And it's like we can't wait to talk each day about what's new that day with us!

I feel guilty sometimes, because I feel like GG gets left out a bit. But at the same time, we're not floundering in our relationship, GG and I. We're just... well, we're just the same, mostly! Nothing bad about that either. There are little changes, like we don't get as much time together as we did before. (Weird, I know.) But that's more to do with his new job, not so much the new dynamic.

I fell in love with Maca again, in a whole new way. And it has everything to do with being able to be in love with GG without feeling like a whore.
 
LovingRadiance said:
I fell in love with Maca again, in a whole new way.
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This has got to be the hardest aspect of poly for me. This is probably the most foreign of concepts to my tiny mono mind. It's hard for me to put myself in a headspace to look at this from any perspective other than my own. One negates the other for me.

Wow. I'm glad to hear you guys are doing so well. I hope we all get to meet at some point. :)
 
Now, on the dawn of a year of being together, all three of us, I find it hard to separate the two of them in my mind. They make up one whole relationship to me, much like having roommates for a year. The thought of either of them going just doesn't fit. The whole thing would collapse without the three.
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That's funny! I am struggling. There is a pet name that I've called GG for years. It came up in the midst of the worst parts of the mess between Maca and me. It's a "made up" name, not "honey," or "baby," or whatever. Anyway, in my mind, the deeper part of my mind, the name means "my love," crossed with "my heaven," "my security," and "my safety." (As I said, it's not a real word, so I guess I should just sit my ass down and write a definition!)

I have caught myself calling Maca this name. It has just slipped out, but I'm not thinking about GG when I do it. The "problem" is that I'm feeling that Maca is those things now, too. Only I feel sort of guilty, because that term of endearment is very special to GG, and I don't want him to feel like it's anything less because it's being "shared." And I don't think he'd prefer it to be shared. And Maca wouldn't prefer that I use "GG's" nickname for him.

How do I explain to them that it's not what they think it is? It's that they are one in my mind, in many ways, and in more ways every day. I guess by telling them to read this thread, huh, RP? ;)
 
MonoVCPHG said:
This has got to be the hardest aspect of poly for me. This is probably the most foreign of concepts to my tiny mono mind. It's hard for me to put myself in a head space to look at this from any perspective other than my own. One negates the other for me.
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I'm smiling right now, because if you could wrap your mind around it, I would be afraid all of your posts were just a big huge psychological game on the rest of us!

Of course you can't wrap your mind around it! You are mono, Mono! Silly man! Isn't that a big part of the reality of reasoning behind mono behavior?
 
I hope we can meet too. I have to get all of us passports, now that the laws are stricter here, so the next time we go to Washington we can drive. I've always wanted to, but never have. (I did when I was 5, but that's not the same.)

:p
 
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