BDSM discussion

LovingRadiance

LovingRadiance

Active member
Several people said they were interested in having a BDSM thread. I've been offline most of the last two weeks, but noticed it hasn't been started (at least not anywhere I can find it!) so I'm starting one.

I haven't much of an idea what to say, but thought (hoped) that if I started it, some other more knowledgeable posters would pipe in and fill in the BIG HUGE GAPS.

For myself, it's a very limited situation, with limited experience. I came out poly in late Sept. '09. Shortly thereafter, I came out to my husband (and bf) that I desired to be a sub to their Doms.

We've basically agreed to work on the details of making our V relationship smoothly work before we move forward with BDSM activities/plans. So we have been working on our V details and talking offhand about the other topic, mostly collecting info on interests, disinterests, etc., as we go along. No other significant steps have been taken.

I would LOVE to hear from all of you with experience and willingness to share about your thoughts, ideas, experiences, concerns, feelings, dreams, wishes, hopes, worries, frustrations, etc., on the topic.
 
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We have an upcoming event to which my tertiary is bringing his new lady. My friends that I usually go with have found a whole new realm of kinky peeps to hang with, and I am concerned that we will not have anyone to play with or hang out with. I am concerned that I will be jealous of my tertiary's love. I don't know either if he is interested in her seeing him being dominated by me. What will she think? What will he think?

It looks like just Mono and I will be going, as my husband isn't interested right now. I am rather limited in who I am able to play with, so I don't know how it will go. It will be a dress-up event and I am definitely looking forward to dressing up! But I am nervous about possibly approaching new people to ask if I can play with them. I don't want to concern Mono and I don't feel very confident in my skills. There will be a lot of very skilled men there, not so many women, although one in particular is. Geesh, I'm nervous.

Another thing: why is it that doms have to buy all the shit that goes along with this lifestyle? I can't afford the tools I want to use. I would love to try different people's stuff to see what I would like to purchase to add to my collection, but it seems that is not appropriate. Thoughts?

I also concerned that I will not be respected as a person that does not sub anymore. We shall see how that goes.
 
I'm another one with interest but limited experience.

I was introduced to BDSM originally through a friend that I had some amazing bedroom chemistry with, but situational stuff got in the way of us ever really making it into anything other than occasional conversations about kink from time to time.

I feel like I'm struggling with a lot of newbie intimidation when it comes to BDSM-related things. I'm one of those who loves to research what I'm interested in online and discuss it. At this point, I'm only interested in a very narrow sliver of what BDSM encompasses. I feel like much of the information I run across intimidates me, rather than helps.
 
I seem to have a more gentle touch than some of the others I see at events. I guess I feel I can't compete with some of the men that know how to wield a bull whip better than I can. I like to do more talking to demand obedience. "If you choose to disobey, then this is what I will do," kind of thing. I would love to push that to my sub's limits sometime, but it would take the right kind of person and the right time in our lives.
 
I wouldn't see having a more gentle touch to necessarily be a bad thing, Redpepper. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there looking for just that.

I know that personally, I'm much more into the verbal and psychological aspects of BDSM than anything else. I like pain, restraint, etc., but my threshold for such things isn't very high. I know in a group setting, I'd gravitate toward people who were more gentle.
 
Redpepper, I have been to a few BDSM parties and Iunderstand the nervousness you express very well. However, I'd like to share some stuff I have learnt over the years.

Firstly, some of the hottest scenes I have been part of have involved very little in the way of equipment. Others have included homemade equipment, or stuff that wasn't sold as BDSM equipment, but that we have "subverted" for our pleasure. Think wooden spoons from the kitchen, cellotape, wax, etc. For ideas about making your own toys, I would highly recommend this book: "21st Century Kinky Crafts Book," edited by Janet W Hardy. My favourite whip these days is one a friend made for me out of a broom handle and an old bicycle inner tube. On a similar note, one of my most "successful" outfits ever was made from duct tape and a black bin bag... ;)

I also have to say that the macho behaviour of a minority of BDSM folk who get off on being the "hardest" is a major turn-off for me and many others. Having a gentle touch can be fabulous, as can gradually building up the pressure as you get to know your playmates' limits and boundaries.

I am sure you know this, but it seems worth a reminder: BDSM, like any kind of sexual encounter, is not a competition. It's about pleasing yourself and your playmate(s), nothing more and nothing less.
x
 
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As requested, I tried several times to convert the Bdsm in the title to BDSM, but it failed to stick. So I'll ask the experts.
 
dakid said:
I understand the nervousness you express very well. Some of the hottest scenes i have been part of have involved very little in the way of equipment. others have included home-made equipment. Think wooden spoons from the kitchen, sellotape, wax, etc. For ideas about making your own toys i would highly recommend this book : "21st century kinky crafts book". The macho behaviour of a minority of bdsm folk who get off on being the "hardest" is a major turn-off for me and many others. having a gentle touch can be fabulous, as can gradually building up the pressure as you get to know your playmates limits and boundaries.
i am sure you know this deep down but it seems worth a reminder: bdsm is not a competition, its about pleasing yourself and your playmate(s).
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Thanks for this reminder! It's so true that it's not a competition, and that being the "hardest" is not always what people want or are attracted to. I just happen to know some of the hardest and feel very pale in comparison. I'm not all that much of a newbie either, although compared to these men I am, and in their eyes, I think I probably am, also.

I have a really nice whip I made out of white rope, a clear plastic tube and some black leather. It's not only beautiful, but gives an interesting effect. Soft when I want it to be, or also heavy with a sting, if I want.

Thanks to Nikianna. I am glad for the reminder that a softer touch is sometimes what someone wants, in terms of their level of tolerance.

*confidence rising* thanks! :)
 
Mmm. No one seems to know how to make the changes stick, r.e., the title. Strange! I'm not a techie and haven't time to dig deep on it. So we'll see. I posted a request for assistance in the moderator's forum.
 
I have more one-on-one experience. As of yet, Master has decided he's too shy about our play time to go out and "scene" in front of people, but he has just recently taken me out on two occasions while wearing my collar and leash. A small step, but very invigorating, and I loved every minute.

We've tried/done all sorts of things so far: bloodplay, knife play, blindfolds, handcuffs, breath play/choking, spanking, toys of an assorted variety. Our most recent purchase was a very nice hefty flogger and a small whip. We purchased them at a flea market, very good price, very lovely pieces, work well and have shown no signs or wear or tear. So just keep your eyes open and you may find good deals. As far as buying toys goes, I would suggest getting to know the person you're buying from. Letting them know you're excited about your purchase may encourage them to give a good discount. Just a thought.

Practicalities - toybox or no toybox? If you're lucky enough to have room/space for one, and no little people to get into it, good on you. If you do need to worry about little ones, find somewhere they can't get into, but close to where you like to play. If you can't get an actual toybox, use a nice big duffle bag or anything that easily holds your goodies but doesn't harm them (i.e., no scratching or denting of items).

For anyone looking into getting a collar, you should really take some time to consider what you and your partner would like. They have leather ones, metal ones, chain ones, all kinds now to choose from, depending on how much you can spend.
 
My friend came over yesterday for coffee with Mono and me, and we talked about the upcoming event we are attending. I am interested in play that doesn't involve sex at the end, and a public event is a great place to make sure that doesn't happen until we feel comfortable enough with one another that we could be alone. Not that I will find anyone to play with, but that is the idea I have.

Anyway, I had never told my friend any of this. He is not an interest of mine, but he has friends in the poly and kink community and expressed that he thinks most people want the happy ending that comes with kink play/BDSM. The way he put it is "I'm not going to take the beating without having an orgasm at the end."

What are your thoughts on this? Am I shit out of luck in finding playmates that are okay with the no-sex thing? I'm thinking there is a group of people that just want a certain level of play and that I will find them.
 
RP, I have no doubt that you can find what you are looking for. I've been to a few events where it was explicitly understood that everyone was looking to play without a happy ending. Good luck!
 
I've gone to a munch for one of the local BDSM communities. My love came with me. I was very nervous. But as usual, I found that they were very friendly folks, and there was cake. :D

We're planning on going to more of their events. I do have certain desires, but as with all hoped-for relationships, they will have to come naturally, even within BDSM.

~Raven~
 
redpepper said:
My friend came over and we talked about the upcoming event. I am interested in play that doesn't involve sex at the end. he thinks most people want the happy ending-- "I'm not going to take a beating without having an orgasm at the end." Am I shit out of luck in finding playmates that are okay with the no-sex thing?
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I find your friend's attitude very weird for lots of reasons. Perhaps things are different where you are, but here in London it is extremely common for people to do scenes where there is no genital contact at all, and no expectation of a guaranteed orgasm. In fact, especially at public parties, I would say from my own experiences and observations (I am big on voyeurism and also on talking about sex with anyone willing!) that this is actually more common than your friend's attitude. In some circles, it is frowned upon to have an attitude like his.

Reading his words as you quote them, I actually wonder if he even enjoys the beating or just "takes it" in order to get his orgasm at the end? If so, why he is involved with BDSM in the first place? The beating is the sex. It is an end in itself, ffs!

Over here, we tend to get very annoyed if folk refer to genital contact and/or orgasm as being sex if it implies that other BDSM practices aren't. We have a very broad definition of what counts as sex, thankfully!

For me, it's really not an issue, as I tend to orgasm quite easily without any genital contact or effort on the part of my playmate(s), because I find it so incredibly sexy to be bound in the first place and that's often enough for me. Flogging, spanking, etc., are a bonus which I thoroughly enjoy, and I do also enjoy vanilla forms of sexual interaction, including even the old missionary position with penetration, but I am lucky in that I can get off in many diverse ways, including by giving pleasure and/or pain to another without them actually touching me at all.

Remember what you know deep down, that this is about pleasing yourself and your playmate, NOBODY ELSE!

Before any play session of any kind, it is always good to talk through our hopes and desires, as well as our boundaries and limits. This is not only very sexy in itself, but also ensures compatibility and mutual pleasure when the scene is underway. The fact you might not want intercourse or genital play is just one of many things you will probably want to communicate with any potential playmate about before commencing play. I wouldn't make it any bigger a deal than that, frankly.
 
I'll add a different perspective that's on topic for this thread. I'm not into BDSM in the slightest, though my wife is. It's the primary motivation for her, and her sexual openness in terms of seeing other partners. I'm kind of "into the scene" because it matters to her, though.

Glad to see people finding and getting what they enjoy. :)
 
dakid said:
I find your friend's attitude weird
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Thanks for bringing that up. I too have found this, and as a result was intrigued by his thoughts. It does sound much like he would just take it so he could get laid after it. I guess there is no harm in that, but just not what I would want.

At play events here there is the same standard and practice as you explain about London. At home, I will engage in play that will end in sex, or revolves around genitals. He was talking about a private party, and possibly just him and another that are interested in each other. That would make a difference, I think. I have never seen him play at an event. Then again, I have only been to one he has been at.

Yes, it is about the people playing, their relationship to each other, and their negotiated arrangements. I have that worked out. I just need to find someone that is interested.
 
Questions

Just a curiosity question (now that I'm getting caught up on the boards again): ;) I have no involvement in any get-togethers (BDSM, swinger, poly etc), but I am clearly in a long-term poly dynamic. I also have a clear interest in BDSM, but not so much in public gatherings. Anyone on here participate in D/s dynamics who don't play out, only in a "scene"?
 
Great thread!

Redpepper, I have to agree that our friend's attitude about sex and S&M in public play spaces is not the norm in my area. I am in Southern California, and attend parties fairly regularly. Even at the places that allow penetration, it isn't something that always takes place. I actually very seldom see it happen. I have attended BDSM conferences across the US and have found it to be the same, so I think you have a very good chance at finding play partners who do not expect sex.

My advice would be to be very open about what you want, your expectations, and ask them the same. There are also always alternatives for people who enjoy sexual release along with their S&M play. You can negotiate the possibility of a hand job, or of some dirty talk, or what have you, while they pleasure themself to finish things off. It doesn't always have to be tab A into slot B or similar. Have fun with it.

Also, check your local community events. I know ClubX in San Diego does something called an Exploratorium before each play party. It is open to the public and for something like $5 or $10 a person can go in and wander from station to station trying things out. They often have a flogger and whip station where someone who is knowledgeable in those skills will either flog/whip you or give you pointers on wielding the implements yourself. They usually have a needle/sharps station, one for electrical play, paddles and other impact toys, inkless tattoos, etc. It is a great experience for people who want to try things before buying, or maybe ask questions on what is best to purchase.

I also recently went to an educational presentation on making our own toys from things you can find around your house or at the hardware store for cheap. It was fabulous! Anyway, check around and see if any of the groups near you offer anything of the sort. If not, maybe suggest someone starts.
 
LovingRadiance said:
I have no involvement in any get togethers (BDSM, swinger, poly, etc.). But I am in a long term poly dynamic. I also have a clear interest in BDSM, but in public gatherings. Anyone on here participate in D/s dynamics that don't play out only in a "scene"?
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I'm in the same situation. I lurk along with a few of the BDSM groups in my area on FetLife. Most of them host munches and play parties, and it often seems like the discussion online is about play-party activities, so I know I feel intimidated to check out a munch, because I'm not interested in doing any play that isn't totally private.
 
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