BDSM discussion

noisycthulhu said:
Wanting to be poly with a man and woman together, as well as some one-on-one, I am into more than vanilla sex. I would have to compromise greatly or be extremely lucky to get what I want/need.

I understand that a lot of people are into BDSM as well as polyamory, but it just seems nigh impossible to find what you're looking for. Sometimes I hate the way I'm wired. Perhaps if I were more the mythical hot bisexual babe it would be easier, as least to try out. But I'm chunky on top of everything else, as well as being nerdy. I'M DOOMED.
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No, you're not doomed. I am similar to you, chunky... er, voluptuous, kinda nerdy, my drag is sometimes femme, sometimes butch.

Don't give up! I found my love, my gf, within three weeks of joining OKCupid, and in the next three years, a few guys along the way who also shared my kink interests. (I dated them separately.) Seven months ago, my bf Ginger appeared in my life and our V is developing slowly into a triad of sorts.
 
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Magdlyn said:
No, you're not doomed. I am similar to you, chunky... er, voluptuous, kinda nerdy, my drag is sometimes femme, sometimes butch.

Don't give up! I found my love, my gf, within three weeks of joining OKCupid, and in the next three years, a few guys along the way who also shared my kink interests. Seven months ago, my bf Ginger appeared in my life, and our V is developing slowly into a triad of sorts.
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I don't have it in me to give up, but I certainly have it in me to bitch and moan about it. Thank you, though, for giving your example as a light at the end of the tunnel. I will try to be more positive.
 
noisycthulhu -- Chill. Not everything has to come up at the front end of a relationship. ;)

I had kinky desires I wasn't going to trot out right away, because I don't need to play in the deep end of the pool with someone I JUST MET. That doesn't mean that over time it can't happen, as the relationship simmers along and catches fire. Don't be so hard on yourself.

If you are a sub newbie, check out "The New Bottoming Book" and for sake of completeness "The New Topping Book" . There are other titles for techniques and things, but I find those are easy to read for ethics. And even if you don't want to top, reading about topping can help you find a safe top and get your "What do I look for in a dom/top?" thing worked out. You don't have to say "yes" to any top that comes along just because they call themselves a top, YKWIM?

DO work out your ethics. Knowing YOURSELF and what your wants, needs, soft/hard limits for your "man-woman triad with some light BDSM" dance card. When you can be CLEAR, it makes finding a partner that much easier. Then you just have to see if the dance cards can line up or not.

Consider getting involved in your kink community. Dungeons, munches, and so on offer classes, roundtables, socials, support groups in person, etc.

Being plus-size is no biggie. People come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. I was pretty svelte at the start of my adult dating life but illness has tacked on poundage over the years, and I'm still happy in my relationship and haven't had a problem with that. It's how you carry yourself, truly. There will be people not attracted to plus size, and that is their right. People get turned on by whatever it is. But there are also people willing to look beyond their initial attraction points. I have a thing for brunettes. So what? I married a blond!

Hang in there,
GG
 
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Oh, Thanks!

I perused that and I think it's too long to read, and I think it's necessary to specify the difference between bdsm and D/s, D/s being a specific type, or subcategory, of bdsm.
 
I'd like to find someone worthy of dominating me. I'd like to find someone to fit me that way. Someone to pull my strings and make me move how they want me to move, which is also how I need to move (for me). Someone as intense as me, who can tone me down and make me behave and get a grip. But someone who also knows when I know best.

Sigh. Yeah... pretty impossible.
 
I hope you find that someone that you're looking for.

Sincerely,
KDT
 
Thank you. It's been quite a road of discovery for me. :eek:

Part of wanting a master is also just seeking the right mate for me. When I find someone worthy to mate with, who also wants to forego lusts of the flesh and other materialistic pursuits in exchange for greater depth and meaning in life and relationship, I will also find someone worthy to be my master, someone who can discipline me. But since I'm a switch, they will need to submit to me, as well.

I realize that is much harder for me than the general public. Most people just look for someone nice and attractive and they're set. I'm extremely discerning about finding a mate, a partner. That also applies to finding someone to share bodily love with. I find few people interesting to me enough to be sexual with (I'm demi-sexual), much less to have an intense relationship with. But I think this is because trying to find someone to fit me is just not easy. I'm weird and I have a very dominating personality. I am turned on by intelligence. All of these things make finding a mate very difficult. If someone will fit me, they will also be my Master.
 
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Honestly, I don't get this "But since I'm a switch, they will need to submit to me as well." Personally, I'm a masochist and switch. I have two great guys who are able to satisfy my needs for pain and domination, but I would never expect them to be submissive to me. They just aren't submissive. And that's okay. We're poly, so I have the option of building a relationship with someone who is submissive, if I choose to. I'm also bi-sexual, so I'd have the option of building a relationship with a female submissive if I felt like it, too. The only problem I've encountered thus far is that there are a great many men who would love to worship the ground I walk on, submit to me, etc. And most women seem to be afraid that I'm looking for a unicorn and don't reply.
 
BrigidsDaughter said:
Honestly, I don't get this "But since I'm a switch, they will need to submit to me as well." Personally, I'm a masochist and switch. I have two great guys who are able to satisfy my needs for pain and domination, but I would never expect them to be submissive to me. They just aren't submissive. And that's okay. We're poly, so I have the option of building a relationship with someone who is submissive, if I choose to. I'm also bi-sexual, so I'd have the option of building a relationship with a female submissive if I felt like it, too. The only problem I've encountered thus far is that there are a great many men who would love to worship the ground I walk on, submit to me, etc. And most women seem to be afraid that I'm looking for a unicorn and don't reply.
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Well, I think that there are as many relationship variations as there are people. :)

If you prefer to have different partners fill different roles, then that is great for you.

Do you find that you do much discipline with your relationship with your 'guys'? Or is it more about S & M with them?
 
I guess that would depend on the definition of discipline. I am very very much a masochist, so pretty much any from of pain is a reward, not a punishment. It plays out very differently with Runic Wolf (hubby) than it does with Wendigo (bf). With Runic Wolf it's very much S&M with less D/s; because of events in my childhood, I have difficulty with the idea that wives should submit to their husbands, and had a hard time with the concept of being submissive to him, which was really hard for him, because he's a wonderful man who is nothing like the abusive stepfather I grew up with. But we're easing into D/S because it triggers a strong need in me to fight back and be bratty/ bitchy.

With Wendigo, it's different. He isn't my husband, so I don't feel that automatic need to fight. That "you're not the boss of me" mentality just isn't there. So it's definitely more S&M than D/s, but it's more like 60/40.

And with both of them D/s is a strictly an in-the-bedroom thing. I'm not into 24/7 D/s and I never will be. My masochist side is much stronger and I would be happy being a lovely shade of ouch 24/7, but that just isn't possible.
 
BrigidsDaughter said:
I guess that would depend on the definition of discipline. I am very very much a masochist, so pretty much any from of pain is a reward, not a punishment. It plays out very differently with Runic Wolf (hubby) than it does with Wendigo (bf). With Runic Wolf it's very much S&M with less D/s; because of events in my childhood, I have difficulty with the idea that wives should submit to their husbands, and had a hard time with the concept of being submissive to him. Which was really hard for him because he's a wonderful man who is nothing like the abusive step father I grew up with, but we're easing into D/S because it triggers a strong need in me to fight back and be bratty/ bitchy.

With Wendigo, it's different. He isn't my husband, so I don't feel that automatic need to fight. That "your not the boss of me" mentality just isn't there. So definitely more S&M than D/s, but it's more like 60/40.

And with both of them D/s is a strictly an in the bedroom thing. I'm not into 24/7 D/s and I never will be. My masochist side is much stronger and I would be happy being a lovely shade of ouch 24/7, but that just isn't possible.
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Interesting! I think that the way I am--the way I'm twisted and the way I've turned in my life--means I am cognizant of the 24/7 thing. So even though I'm too dominant to be sub 24/7, I suspect that my partner will be sub when I'm not.

And it would definitely exist outside the bedroom! That is what is so exciting about it. It's a lifestyle, not just another sex position or scene.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
 
I agree that it is a lifestyle, but I don't live with Wendigo. There are elements of it all in our day-to-day interactions, but I guess for me 24/7 speaks of letting someone else do the talking for you, sitting at their feet, being collared, etc. Definitely stuff I can't and shouldn't do with a 10-year old in the house and a 16-year old at Wendigo's house. If my guys were switches too, I'm sure we'd be able to work something out, but they're not and I can't be submissive 24/7.
 
Oh. Yeah... I guess I thought of 24/7 as being a testament to the subtle energy between the people involved, not necessarily being collared. Like hanging out in the house because your partner doesn't want you to go out for the day/night. Or wearing a butt plug all day because he wants my ass to be more easily penetrable (and me to be that much ready!) when he walks in the door. Or texting or not texting, according to what she commands and desires. It means being at the others' beck and call and completely open, for whatever the dom would need/want/demand/desire, from clothing, to internet, to phone, to sex, to attitude, to whatever. That's what I mean by 24/7.

I could see it getting more intense as the situation allowed. These are the issues I wanted to talk about with D/s. Thank you for bringing it up. <3
 
And those are the reasons that I can't be 24/7. I just can't let someone have *that* much control over me. I worked too hard to escape from that type of life; from a childhood where I got grounded from church because I enjoyed it and he didn't want me to enjoy it; where we were supposed to live to make him happy; do everything to his standards even when it just couldn't be done.

I'm all for doing little things to please my partners: dirty texts; making special meals for them; giving them what they need; etc. I can turn on the submissive when I need to, but I really did need to teach myself that it was safe to submit and they are very special cases.
 
BrigidsDaughter said:
And those are the reasons that I can't be 24/7. I just can't let someone have *that* much control over me. I worked too hard to escape from that type of life; from a childhood where I got grounded from church because I enjoyed it and he didn't want me to enjoy it; where we were supposed to live to make him happy; do everything to his standards even when it just couldn't be done.

I'm all for doing little things to please my partners; dirty texts; making special meals for them; giving them what they need, etc. I can turn on the submissive when I need to, but I really did need to teach myself that it was safe to submit and they are very special cases.
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I understand. <3

Sounds like you had a tough life. I'm assuming you are referring to a father figure?
 
AphroditeGoneAwry said:
Part of wanting a master is also just seeking the right mate for me. I realize that is much harder for me than the general public. Most people just look for someone nice and attractive and they're set. I'm extremely discerning about finding a mate, a partner.
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I beg to differ. Most people meet plenty of nice and attractive people who just don't "fit." Sure, looking for a D/s relationship narrows down the pool a bit. So does looking for someone who will come to church with you, or help you raise billy goats, or share your passion for fly fishing. Dominant is just one "type." Everyone has a "type" and I don't mean physical build. Looking for a 24/7 relationship is not so different from looking for a husband who will support you while you raise babies. And most of us are poly here: that's another type that narrows the pool significantly.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
I beg to differ. Most people meet plenty of nice and attractive people who just don't "fit." Sure, looking for a D/s relationship narrows down the pool a bit. So does looking for someone who will come to church with you, or help you raise billy goats, or share your passion for fly fishing. Dominant is just one "type." Everyone has a "type" and I don't mean physical build. Looking for a 24/7 relationship is not so different from looking for a husband who will support you while you raise babies. And most of us are poly here: that's another type that narrows the pool significantly.
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I meant me as in me personally, Aphrodite. :) Not as it regards D/s.

I find that my friends and acquaintances seem to meet people whom they would date more quickly and easily, leading me to believe I'm either more discerning than most, or more difficult to get to know (guarded) than I realize. Likely both.
 
AphroditeGoneAwry said:
I meant me as in me personally, Aphrodite. :) Not as it regards D/s.

I find that my friends and acquaintances seem to meet people whom they would date more quickly and easily. Leading me to believe I'm either more discerning than most, or more difficult to get to know (guarded) than I realize. Likely both.
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Ah, fair enough. I tend to think the same way. I've noticed a lot of people just need "someone" more than anything, and are more willing to settle. I've always been contentedly independent, so I've never minded waiting until someone fit just right.

I would date people casually, with no labels or strings attached, just having fun basically like friends with this extra component... but it wouldn't get serious and I would wander away as soon as I got bored.
 
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