Poly Isn't For Me/Tired of Sharing My Wife

How is this situation appreciably different than the many people who arrive at their poly identity and come here for help? Hundreds of intro threads tell the exact same story, had this history, found this great guy or gal, settled down, were ok for years, now 10-12 yrs later, POOF. I know... the "awakening."

It's perfectly fine to wake up one day and want an open marriage, or want a poly marriage, or non-monogamy. It's accepted. It's encouraged. It's fucking celebrated. But not the opposite.

Holy shit. He's unreasonable, dishonest, hurtful, vindictive for putting a full stop to that which he no longer wants? Now you have to consider the spouse and the kids.

The general advice is to be patient and provide educational materials, and emotional support to the partner caught flat footed. It's their identity, that's who they are, accept and deal. In this case, it's the opposite-- Compromise his identity for her time management and being a co-partner. He doesn't want to be a co-partner? Fuck that. That doesn't matter. It's his culturally-caused repressed emotions causing a kneejerk reaction.

Recently on three active threads, the struggling mono spouse or partner was advised to end the relationship. If ya can't get a handle on your emotions, if you're miserable all the time, end it. Chalk it up to relationship life cycle, hard limits, knowing when to say when. Incompatibility.

But not in a case of reverse awakening. It just seems you can't have it both ways. It seems unfair.

I assume for all here thinking these thoughts that their transitions from mono to poly were met with complete love and understanding.
 
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I have to agree with dingedheart. I further have to say that finding out after the fact that a joint decision regarding our child was being sunk because of other partner's sudden decision not to move, and me only finding out about it during an argument, would cause me to want distance too.

It seems like Matt isn't being supported because he is saying he can't do it, so he will leave, to not force his wife to give up poly.
 
dingedheart said:
How is this situation appreciably different than the many people who arrive at their poly identity and come here for help? Hundreds of intro threads tell the exact same story...
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1) You always have to consider the spouse and kids, imo. I'm never one to say, "You have to stay married because that's what you agreed to" but he does have a responsibility to his kids, at the very least. For those who realize they want poly after years of mono, I say the same thing: go slowly. Be gentle with your spouse's feelings. Take baby steps. Remember that other people's lives are entwined with yours and respect that. How in the hell is anything different being said in this case?!

2) There's a difference between realizing that polyamory exists, and is a possibility, after years of monogamy, versus admitting after years of poly that you don't really want it at all, and were just going along with it to make someone else happy. Sticking with monogamy because you aren't aware of other options is quite different from sticking with mono or poly because you're trying to make someone else happy by not being honest with yourself about what you want.

3) The full stop is the problem. That wouldn't be "celebrated" in a mono-to-poly relationship either. He's making quick, unilateral, devastating decisions. Like if I woke up today and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, MC. I've spent the last month or so thinking about it, and I don't want to be married to you anymore. I'm going to take the kids and move in with TGIB." Umm, no, that would not be okay, or encouraged, or fucking celebrated. I'd be out of my damned mind, and extremely hurtful and disrespectful to the person I chose to have kids with.

The general advice is to be patient and provide educational materials, and emotional support to the partner caught flat footed. It's their identity thats who they are except and deal. In this case, it's the opposite-- compromise. His identity for her time management and being a co-partner. He doesn't want to be a co-partner. Fuck that! That doesn't matter. It's his culturally-caused repressed emotions causing a kneejerk reaction.
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Yeah, the general advice is to be patient and LEARN MORE. So what's the problem with applying it here?? Learn what these feelings really are, where they come from, and take time to figure out if they can be gotten past/dealt with. It took 12 years to get here; I don't understand what's so awful about recommending 12 months to figure out where everyone wants to go from here.

Recently on 3 active threads the struggling mono spouse was advised to end the relationship. Chalk it up to relationship lifecycle, hard limits. But not in a case of reverse awakening. It just seems you can't have it both ways.
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It's all about how much time has been put into it, in either direction. The wife has put 12 years into her poly relationship as the hinge in a V before learning that her husband didn't want poly. I put 10 years into my relationship with my husband before I added a boyfriend, and MC knew the entire time that I was non-monogamous. If he suddenly decides one morning that he doesn't want this/me/my lifestyle, then yeah, he damned well better be prepared to put some time into working through things. We may still end up split if our differences turn out to be irreconcilable, but he's not going to be able to just walk out and "decide" to remove himself from the equation. Not when he married me and decided to have kids with me, knowing exactly who and how I was.

Matt's wife didn't force him to be part of something he didn't want. He chose to, and told her he was okay with it, and funnily enough she chose to believe her spouse. So pardon me if I think slowing down before drastic actions are taken is his price to pay now.
 
This thread is still going, I see. I have some catching up to do, so before I properly respond, I'll go read through what has recently been added.
 
My main concern is the early talk about custody "battles," basically already planning that you won't be able to work it out and come to a peaceful agreement. Well, going in with that attitude, you sure won't.

Divorce is really hard on kids, even when the parents are amicable and supportive and peaceful. When kids are being fought over, with each parent pretending to "do what's best for the kids," it becomes traumatic. Your kids are in their formative years and custody battles can take years.

Good school or not, I promise that Mom and Dad fighting over them in court is NOT what's best for the kids. Ever. Neither one of you is a bad parent, abusive, or neglectful - so there's no good reason you can't share custody and behave like civilized grown-ups.

If a poly relationships isn't for you, it isn't for you. That's fine. But you have the potential to do a great deal of harm to your children by taking such a hard line. As a parent, you have a responsibility to go through this process in a civil, mature, grown-up manner.

I'm not too worried about your wife and her girlfriend; they chose this life, they're grown-ups, and they'll get over it. But having the family violently ripped apart will scar your children for life. It will make it difficult for them to ever have a trusting, loving relationship. Do you want them to be in your situation 40 years from now, just because you can't take the time now to slow down and move carefully?
 
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I briefly skimmed. Not full on read and clung to each every word, so if I miss something, excuse me in advance.

My wife didn't force me to do anything. Damn right about that. I have the right to do what it takes to make myself happy, and if that means divorcing my wife, then I'm going to do it. If I'm not happy, why should I stay? Everybody knows you don't stay in a marriage because of the kids. That's a bad reason.

Yes, custody disputes can get ugly. Divorces can drag on. They're a part of life. The talks of divorce are necessary. If I know that I can't live in this situation, I am going to divorce my wife and free her. I'm not going to hold her in this marriage and let both of us be miserable. We both deserve to be happy and free to be who we are. I think that's fair. Is that the first resort? No, but it's the last one and a possible reality. You can't ignore it. I hate when people act like they didn't see a divorce barreling down the tunnel.

I'm forewarning my wife that if we can't find a solution that works for everybody, then I'm not going to sit around and wait for her to ask me for a divorce. I'm going to initiate it, since I'm the one who doesn't want to be a polyamorous relationship, which is what this is despite the fact that I am monogamous. That doesn't mean I'm not going to try every resort from A-Y, but Z is divorce. Accept it for what it is and move on.

I had to get away from her and this situation. The moment where our daughter sensed the space and asked what was going on was the final nail in the coffin. We can't just exist around them and share space. Time apart never hurt anybody.

When I did finally talk to my wife, it just pissed me off. At no point did she bother to ask how I was. It was all about how she's feeling and how hard of a time she's having. I know this is hard on her, but would it have killed her to take 30 seconds to ask how I was doing and to listen to what I said? I've never told a woman to shut up, but I was close. I have to limit contact with her.

It's now Tuesday afternoon. I have had a lot of time to think. No pressure from her. No arguing with her. Just me and my thoughts. In that time, I discovered a couple of my issues. Everyone seems to think that I haven't expressed myself and communicated to my wife. Wrong. When I first mentioned her girlfriend being too damn involved in our marriage, she didn't hear me out. Nothing I said was absorbed into her brain. My stance on that? If you're going to ignore me and dismiss it, I'm just not going to talk to you about it. That was the start of it going down. There's only so many times you can beat a dead horse. She has acknowledged that she didn't really hear me out because it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Baby steps, right?

I know what my issue with her girlfriend is and some of my real issues with my wife. The problem is my wife isn't willing to change anything. Here's what it is.

I have new name for Si: Snowflake. Snowflake's involvement in our marriage and every decision has made me feel undermined in my marriage and as a parent. She doesn't want to move? Oh, well, we have to reconsider, possibly find a new school, go through another series of applying and interviews, and stop whatever was planned because my wife thinks of Snowflake as being part of our family. The problem with this? I don't. Snowflake isn't a child or a minor, and we're not her guardians, so she has the right to do what she needs or wants to do. We're adults, and as parents, my wife and I should be the one making decisions that best suit our children. We shouldn't have to run everything by Snowflake for approval. Long-distance relationships can survive. Optimism is still there. My wife would still get to keep her relationship and marriage.

Here's the issue with my wife. She refuses to separate our marriage and her relationship. Like I've been trying to tell her, Snowflake and I aren't the same person. The relationships are different and grow at different rates. Two different relationship styles that are like mixing water and oil. Planting a flag here because this is an issue.

The best thing I've read yet is this. "Imagine asking your best mate about everything in your marriage and with rearing your children. How would your wife feel if someone she viewed as just an acquaintance or even a mutual friend had so much input and say over the life you two share?" I used the example of consulting with my best mate about our finances and whether I should buy a car without running it by my wife. Finances are something that affect the entire household, right? Well, let's say I tap into our savings and go buy a new Mercedes because my best mate gave me the go ahead. I view my best mate as a brother, so he's family to me.

It's the same thing, but in reverse. By her girlfriend having so much involvement and input and everything, it has caused problems. It's two people in this marriage, and like I told her, I said those vows to you. If I had wanted to include her in things that directly affect every member of our household, I would go back and amend estate papers, wills, offer to give her alimony if it didn't work out, etc. My wife would be ready to put my head on a platter if I did something like this, but it's cool for her to do. I think she needs a dose of her own medicine. Sometimes telling somebody something doesn't sink in until they see how it feels.

Another issue that has come forth from the recesses of darkness. Snowflake is a part-time co-parent and does it at her leisure. Just because she was part of doctor's appointments and there during L&D, she shouldn't have rights. Our parents were there, and they don't have rights. The kids are their grandchildren, so why should she have them again? Also, if you can't commit to doing it full time, you don't need equal parental rights or the right to interfere. You can be an "aunt" with zero input.

What I'm trying to get my wife to understand is, while we value the opinions of friends, family, and loved ones, ultimately the final decisions should be made by the two of us. My wife and I are parents 24/7. It doesn't stop because we want to go get wasted with our friends. We have social lives, and lives outside of the kids, but if anything happens with the kids, we're dropping whatever it is and getting there immediately. We are the ones attending recitals, various lessons, classes, taking off from work for doctor's appointments, staying up all night to monitor fevers, holding them after nightmares or scary dreams, potty training, and everything being a parent entails.

We never limited Snowflake to what she could or couldn't do, or how much access she had, so that's no excuse for her being a part-time "co-parent." I coin that term loosely. You have a say in everything that goes on, but you only do this like a gig with a band. I don't get to choose which days I want to be a daddy, and my wife doesn't get to choose which days she wants to be a mother. It's always going to be part of who are. Our kids are not pets and deserve more than a fleeting encounter with a supposed co-parent. Her not living with us is no excuse either. She wants all the rights with responsibilities when it suits her. That's not a parent, so yes, those rights need to be revoked. She has had years to step up and prove to be something different, and she has yet to do it. Planting another flag here because this is an issue. I don't want our kids to ever be let down because her priorities are questionable.

I'm thinking entirely different now and searching for solutions that won't make everybody miserable in the end. I can't think or function while just sitting in a room brainstorming. I need to be able to think freely. Not with my heart, but with my head. My heart is on an extended leave of absence. Now that I have started the process of doing that, I can think of things that need to be addressed in therapy and find ways of communicating them the right way to my wife. I can't force her to be receptive or make any changes, but I can try to come up with ideas and solutions that aren't unilateral. That's the best that I can do from my end.
 
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Matt said:
Yes, custody disputes can get ugly. Divorces can drag on. They're a part of life.
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Ugly custody disputes with divorces that drag on are not a normal part of life.

My parents got divorced when I was a teenager. It was amicable and relatively painless. They both agreed that the marriage was unhealthy, they both truly wanted what was best for me, and they both made sure to upset my life as little as possible. That's what loving parents do.

Parents who treat their children as pawns in their "I'm going to get you before you get me" bullshit don't deserve to be parents.

You signed up for a poly relationship. Take some fucking responsibility for that and don't drag your kids into your tornado of misery. They didn't sign up for any of this. So you fucked up and made a mistake? That's fine, you're human. But now that you know better, start acting like a grown-up and drop the selfish "I'll do what I want, no matter who gets hurt" crap.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Ugly custody disputes with divorces that drag on are NOT a normal part of life.

My parents got divorced when I was a teenager. It was amicable and relatively painless. They both agreed that the marriage was unhealthy, they both truly wanted what was best for me, and they both made sure to upset my life as little as possible. That's what loving parents do.

Parents who treat their children as pawns in their "I'm going to get you before you get me" bullshit don't deserve to be parents.

You signed up for a poly relationship. Take some fucking responsibility for that and don't drag your kids into your tornado of misery. They didn't sign up for any of this. So you fucked up and made a mistake? That's fine, you're human. But now that you know better, start acting like a grown-up and drop the selfish "I'll do what I want, no matter who gets hurt" crap.
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I disagree. Maybe not normal life, but they are a part of life. Somewhere in the world somebody's sitting in a family law courtroom trying to either make modifications to a custody arrangement, clashing over custody, or trying to find a solution via a mediator. The difference is you were a teenager, and you were probably given the option to say where you wanted to be or who you preferred to be with. Was that taken into consideration? After a certain age, you can be asked. Our children aren't old enough for that, so it would be out of our hands and based on a number of factors, or solely at the judge's discretion.

I don't have to stay somewhere that I don't want to stay. Part of being an adult is owning up to things. I signed up for it and outgrew this bullshit. No different than falling out of love with somebody. Yeah, you try to get that old feeling back and do everything possible to remember that feeling, but if it's broken, sometimes you have to let it be. No matter how many ways you force something or try to make the pieces fit, sometimes it just doesn't work.

I fell out of "contentment" with this arrangement. In a relationship, shouldn't you be a little more than content?

It's not her job to make me happy. I'm responsible for my happiness, but this marriage is part of my life and should evoke some happy thoughts and feelings. People change every day, and I'm no different. There's no crime in that. Kids or not. I'm not staying in a marriage to just keep the family together because it's painless or the easy thing to do. I said I would try everything from A-Y. That's flexible and at minimum open to compromise. Z or divorce is the last resort.

I know what I'm up against with my wife. I'm not a fool. Nothing will be amicable or painless because she won't let it be, and you know how I know with certainty? The words came from her mouth. Is she just pissed off because I'm wanting to remove a choice from her? I'd imagine so. She can't have her cake and eat it too, this time. The only thing amicable will be splitting finances, properties, and anything acquired during our marriage. The only reason? A prenuptial agreement that spelled everything out, and postnuptial agreement that reaffirmed was routinely modified to accommodate any changes. You never plan for a divorce, but you can't be stupid or blindsided if the time comes.
 
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I hear, Matt, that you felt pressured, almost from the get-go, to be a part of this V. First couple years, NRE, swept off your feet, new gf could do no wrong because you were hot for her. But after that, you felt pressured to be a "nice guy" and accept Si in your lives... "in your marriage."

I even read Ry to say she's been "encouraging" you all along to get with Si sexually and romantically, to make your V into a full triad. After so many years, a few months ago, you gave this a go. Somehow when that didn't work out, you did the 180 and are now completely disgusted with Si (and your resentment of Ry has come fully to your consciousness, as well).

Some people feel disgusted with a sex partner after the orgasm. This is like a post-orgasmic disgust writ large and mega.

I am glad to see you write you'll try everything from A-Y to create a new dynamic with these women. However, you seem to be clinging to the divorce life raft quite firmly... the ultimate threat! You feel your true power lies in your ability to abandon both women and let the chips fall where they may for your young children. This idea of filing for divorce instead of focusing on less drastic measures gives you some comfort. It's early days; you're out for revenge. Perhaps more time and calmer negotiations will eventually ensue.
 
Magdlyn said:
I hear, Matt, that you felt pressured, almost from the get-go, to be a part of this V. First couple years, NRE, swept off your feet, new gf could do no wrong because you were hot for her. But after that, you felt pressured to be a "nice guy" and accept Si in your lives... "in your marriage."

I even read Ry to say she's been "encouraging" you all along to get with Si sexually and romantically, to make your V into a full triad. After so many years, a few months ago, you gave this a go. Somehow when that didn't work out, you did the 180 and are now completely disgusted with Si (and your resentment of Ry has come fully to your consciousness as well).

Some people feel disgusted with a sex partner after the orgasm. This is like a post-orgasmic disgust writ large and mega.

I am glad to see you write you'll try everything from A-Y to create a new dynamic with these women. However, you seem to be clinging to the divorce life raft quite firmly... the ultimate threat! You feel your true power lies in your ability to abandon both women and let the chips fall where they may for your young children. This idea of filing for divorce instead of focusing on less drastic measures gives you some comfort. It's early days; you're out for revenge. Perhaps more time and calmer negotiations will eventually ensue.
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As stated before, I'm realist, and I don't like being blindsided by surprises. I'm not clinging to the divorce as a control mechanism or even a threat. It's what I will do. If none of the solutions work out, then yes, I'm still going to leave my marriage. Nobody needs to stay in a marriage or relationship where they aren't satisfied or happy. Poly-minded people say, "Never try to change a person, but you always have the option to leave if you know you can't do it." I'm willing to try to do it, but if at any point it becomes a fact that I can't, I'm going to leave. That's that, and it's firm and within my own right. Why sit around and wait for her to ask me for a divorce? I'm the only one who didn't want to be part of a poly "family," and if I so desire, I should be the one to leave.

I'm not out for revenge. I'm thinking clearly and with my head for the first time since this bullshit has started. Not from the point of a bruised ego or whatever else might be suggested in the future. I'm in control of what I do with my life.

Yes, I have kids, but it's not benefiting them to see what a marriage shouldn't be like. Mother and father aren't talking, and there's a hostile silence. We can't just exist, share a house, and share expenses. That's not a marriage or any type of relationship I want to be in. I can't be the only one willing to change, and if I am, all these efforts will be in vain.
 
Matt, forget what everyone here says

These aren't the people you need to be talking to. If they aren't your wife or her girlfriend, who gives a fuck about what they say?

But seriously, ugly divorces never do any families any good, not ever. Regardless of whether or not you stay together, you have children together. The topics that led you to where you are, are some of the hardest topics to talk about. It sucks that you had to vent here, but you did finally speak up, and while it would have been better to figure out a way to be more assertive earlier, that didn't happen.

Give yourself some credit. You obviously care about your wife. You obviously felt too uncomfortable to hurt her lover's feelings by being honest. So before all this went down, you did at one point care about her feelings.

You have to realize what it's like to be close friends with someone, spending as much time as she did with you guys, to suddenly be told that you really didn't want her around, is some serious shit to deal with. That whole time you didn't speak up, and all that frustration that has slowly built up with you, was unleashed all at once. It really does a number on a person's psyche to think back over all the time she thought you genuinely enjoyed her company, but she was oblivious. Not picking up on it at the time, makes you question everything you thought you knew, it makes you suspicious of everyone's intentions and what they may be hiding. It makes life a living hell.

I know you have had enough of it, the frustration you have felt for so long, never feeling like you could ever get a moment to yourself with your family, was also a living hell

Let yourself deal with all that you haven't dealt with, and then make decisions. This forum probably isn't the best place to find support, but for God's sake do not let things people comment here cause you to lash out and posture for an ugly divorce.

Please remember that you love your wife, or at least there was a time when you did. And so when you love someone, and you honestly understand what it means to love someone, you will not be able to follow through with anything to hurt that person in anyway, no matter what they do, no matter if they totally screwed you over, because that's what love is. The people who can follow through and actually do something to harm another, even emotionally-- they don't really understand what means to love.

You do understand what love means. And it hurts. It hurts bad.

From what I have read, nobody has intentionally or maliciously screwed anybody over, especially not your wife. It sounds like she fell in love due to a situation that you took part in, with full knowledge.

I know it feels like Si is trying to hurt you, but it honestly doesn't sound like she is just trying to spite you. I don't want to trash talk you and add fuel to fire, but it sounds like you and Si really do understand what it means to love someone, and because you both really do love Ry, you won't hurt each other.

And you will both realize what that means, to be honest and not do anything to hurt a person you don't love, because you both understand what it means to have ever truly loved someone. I am sorry you have found yourself in the position to really test your understanding of love, but you do know what it means. And so does Si.

So regardless of whether your marriage actually gets stronger for this, or you get a divorce, you all know love well enough to surrender. I promise you, even if you are the only one to surrender, it will turn out better, no matter what happens. And if two of you surrender, the pain will not feel unbearable, regardless of whether or not you salvage your marriage.

If all three of you surrender, I promise you, you will all recognize who you are, and where you live.
 
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I hear you. I still care about my wife's feelings, but I can't live my life to suit her needs anymore. I have to live for me. Do I love her? That's up for debate. That love is hidden right now. If I tell her I love her, it would be a formality. Coming out of my mouth but not from my heart.

As far as Snowflake, I can't really acknowledge how she feels. She's not in my thoughts at all. I only acknowledge her when something pertaining to her comes up or when somebody mentions her. That lasts all of a few minutes. Then she goes back that nonexistent place in my thoughts. Give me some more time and the chance for a glimpse of compassion to rear its head. Then, maybe I might feel something. I don't resent her. In order to resent her, that would require her to actually be a part of my thoughts outside of this situation.

I understand what love means. Part of loving someone means knowing when to let go, too.
 
Right. So my husband and I started on other lists for poly/mono relationships. I'm not on those lists anymore (long story). However, we saw way too often where the mono partner just stopped. It wasn't a gradual thing. They tried, they put in the effort, they really did want it to work. Then one day, they just realized it wouldn't. That they couldn't do it. So there would be a simple goodbye message. "Hey guys, can't do this anymore. Thank you for your support."

So I get it, and it's valid. Just as someone wakes up and decides poly is for them and they just can not wait any more to express that part of their life. I'm not arguing that you leaving is not valid. What I'm concerned about is the lack of concern for the kids. Now you wrap it up in concern. "Oh, we had a deal. It's for their education. I don't want them exposed. Blah blah blah."

I could argue with you that you don't have the right to say they can't be around your wife's lover(s). Just as she doesn't have the right to say that should you marry again your new wife isn't allowed near the kids. That's just a drop in the bucket.

Kids are smarter than you think, pick up more than you think. I won't go into details of the messiness my parents put me through. Let me just say, I DON'T REMEMBER. I'm 37 and I have maybe three memories of my childhood. Before age 13, that's it. I've been in and out of hospitals, on medication Did you know, that mental illness can be created? It screws with the brain chemistry, these events, and there's not really a way back. Three months old, thirteen, it affects kids. Babies of only a few weeks have been shown to not cry, even when in pain, because of already learning that to do so is to meet with dire consequences.

So... yeah. The kids are probably too young. They'll forget all about this mess, and this anger and frustration you have and are refusing to put a leash on. Yay for forgetting?

Hubby and I have had those talks. Should it just get to the point where we can't do it, for any reason, poly, my mental illness, whatever, we do not let our anger, or hate, or hurt from or for each other affect what we do with the kids. We do what's best for them. We agree on what's best for them. He doesn't want to be some parttime dad, where he only gets weekends or visitation, any more than I want to be a parttime mom. But guess what? We are adults. We can handle dealing with the consequences of our decisions.

And we can be adult enough to realize as much as it hurts, as much as it's "unfair," it's better that it hurts us, is unfair to us, than to our kids.

So let go. Let go of your wife if you have to. I know it hurts. Find a place and time to let that hurt out. Then make decisions with Ry abut these kids. Trust me, it might not happen until they are adults on their own, but the things they "forget" because they are so young will come back, either in memory, or in learning about it from a third party. And saying, "I did the best I could with what I had" will be of no comfort at all.
 
I should just take divorce off the table until they're 18 and away at university? I can't do that. That's like another spin on staying for the kids.

I could see if I was the one calling all the shots as far as their education and their futures, but I wasn't. I could see if I had went behind Ry's back, and decided we would move, and there was nothing she could say, but I didn't. Everything was discussed between us. We put a year's worth of research into it. In the end, we mutually agreed on a school that would best suit our child's personality and her needs. If Ry had any doubts, she should have voiced them before we had set everything in motion to move. Don't change now because somebody you view as being part of the family (Si) has doubts, when in reality, nobody asked her to uproot her life. That's my issue with that situation.

My kids come first in everything. That's the biggest driving force for me even trying to find a solution that would allow the family to stay together. If my wife and I didn't have kids, I probably wouldn't be there now. I'd still try to save my marriage, but I wouldn't have two little people who I'm responsible and accountable for. I owe it to them, if no one else, to put forth effort to attempt to save this. I have to take their feelings into account and remember what's best for them. Mummy and Daddy arguing, or not even talking to each other? That wasn't what was best for them, so I removed myself from the situation to give everyone some breathing room.
 
Matt, I'm not trying to get rid of you, but why are you still posting here? I mean, what are the reasons you continue to come here and post?

Why do you post advice in other threads that the person needs to slow down, etc.? Why do you not take your own advice which you gave to someone else in another thread?

What is the reason you keep posting here if you are so sure you know what's best for you, and are ready to "leap" into action?

I'm glad for you that you figured out what you want and have a plan in place to achieve it. The reason I had a problem with your situation at first was because you were saying certain things when you meant the exact opposite, expecting people to know that you meant the exact opposite of what you said. It seems you have stopped that and can move forward now.

But I will ask again-- if you are sure of everything now, what is the reason you continue to post here? If you DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A POLY RELATIONSHIP (ELEVENTY!!11~), then why are you on a forum for people in poly relationships, or for mono people who want to work it out with their poly partners? I am not telling you you shouldn't. I just want to know what your reasons are, and am certain other people are wondering the same thing. I have seen people ask this a couple times already and you have ignored the question. Or maybe I overlooked it. If so, would you link to the answer? I get people mixed up sometimes.
 
BoringGuy, I am responding to people. That is all. I have taken my own advice. This is my last post. Wish you all well in everything you do. Bye.
 
Well, there was a lot of initial "heat of the moment" stuff to get through. He did take a time out to cool off and be with his thoughts and feelings. That left him in a different place in his willingness.

Matt said:
I'm thinking entirely differently now, and searching for solutions that won't make everybody miserable in the end. Now that I have started the process of doing that, I can think of things that need to be addressed in therapy, and find ways of communicating them the right way to my wife. I can't force her to be receptive or make any changes, but I can try to come up with ideas and solutions that aren't unilateral. That's the best that I can do from my end.
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So, to me, it seems that while he's still sorting things out for therapy, he could be here in his wants, needs and limits:

  • I cannot be in a triad.
  • Ry and I have different ideas about how involved Si could be in our marriage. Ry wife wants an "interdependent model," with Si very involved in our parenting life, married life, etc.
  • I want something more "separate but equal." I do not want to be married to Si too, in spirit or otherwise. I want time apart from Si and some boundaries more clearly drawn.
  • I am willing to see a counselor.
  • I am willing to talk about other options. The biggest driving force for me even trying to find a solution that would allow the family to stay together in a shape that meets most people's needs and respect their limits is the kids.
  • If no solution could be found, I am willing to think about a divorce to remove myself from the equation. Even for the children, I cannot stay in a place that breeds more resentment or fighting or unhappiness.
I could be wrong in how I perceive that. It's been a lot to read and keep up with.

But I do hope they keep on moving it forward. And if they need to air out in the thread during the process... go ahead. Air out. Do what you gotta do.

Hang in there, Matt, Ry and Si. Whatever the outcome shape needs to be to bring each of you inner peace again, I keep hoping for that healing for all of you. Nobody deserves endless suffering.

Good luck,
Galagirl
 
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Matt said:
BoringGuy, I am responding to people. That is all. I have taken my own advice. This is my last post. Wish you all well in everything you do. Bye.
Click to expand...
Okay, thank you for your answer. Good luck!
 
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