Wanting to leave my husband for lover

P

Polywife123

New member
I've been married to my husband Wendell for 20 years. We started swinging about 3 years ago, to spice things up only. The 2nd couple we met, I was instantly attracted to the husband, Aiden, not necessarily physically or sexually, immediately. There was just something about him I was drawn to.

Wendell didn't like Aiden's wife. But I was so drawn to Aiden, I pushed Wendell into allowing me to see him alone. This relationship resulted in a polyamorous relationship. I fell in love. Wendell resented me and Aiden, but wasn't ready to leave me.

The relationship lasted about 8 months. It was highly charged, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc., although Aiden has antisocial behaviors and a dark questionable past.

The relationship ended abruptly. Wendell was happy, although never forgave me.

I suffered tremendously from the loss and tried to reestablish the relationship. To my surprise, a year later, Aiden has taken me back. Things are different now. He is no longer married, although I still am. He lives an hour away. I can only see him once a week. I am trying to keep things in perspective, but I want more. :( I feel like it is destined to be with this man... like he is my soul mate. The feelings I have for him are deep. I know it seems crazy, being his character is shady, but I feel like I want to leave Wendell, who is good and patient, to have a real relationship with Aiden.

I don't know what to do. I feel pain when I'm not with him. I want to always be with him. Why are these feelings so difficult?

I know everyone will advise me to leave Aiden and stay with Wendell, but I feel like Wendell is more of a friend than a lover, and I don't think I would be with Aiden again if it weren't meant to be.

Please help.
 
Does your husband know you are seeing this guy again? If so, can things be kept in stasis for awhile while you sort through your options?

I sense a bit of NRE (New Relationship Energy) going on here. It is a "powerful drug," and can inhibit judgment and impair the senses.

Do you definitely have to choose between your husband and this other man? Can't choose both? If so, choose carefully.

I am not inclined to tell you what to do, just trying to gain and put it into some perspective.
 
Polywife123 said:
Please help.
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Is your husband a friend more than a lover because you have grown apart, or because you both aren't putting the right work in your relationship?

Leave Wendell for the right reasons, not because you want to see Aiden more. Change something with your relationship with Wendell, and then try and see Aiden more. If he is single, see him for one weekend a month. Try and see him more, but don't leave Wendell unless things aren't good with him.

My ex was and is very confused, and he broke my heart with his confusion, so we aren't together, and he is confused over another woman.

Think of how Wendell will feel if you leave him.
 
Yes, Wendell knows I'm seeing Aiden again, but keeps threatening to leave me, because he knows how I feel for Aiden. Wendell isn't poly. He feels threatened by the relationship because he knows how I feel about Aiden, and feels that previously I spent 3 to 4 days a week with him and I'm gonna do that again. Plus he doesn't like Aiden.

I don't think it's new relationship energy. I've been in other relationships since then and have never felt this before. But I know Aiden's personality is very magnetic, and I'm very attracted to that, and his intelligence. Anyway, it's very hard to be away from him and only see him once a week.

I really want a real chance at a real relationship with him. I am torn over this. Wendell and I probably are not in love anymore because of all of this. We have tried to repair it, but both feel very different about the situation.

We have settled on just trying to hold on to whatever is left until my oldest is moved out, which is probably a little more than a year away.
 
Were Wendell's needs being met? Did you all talk and talk and talk before transitioning from swinging to polyamory? There is a difference, and the approaches are different. Is it possible that with you spending 3-4 days with Aiden, that you were not giving your marriage the attention it needed?

This sounds like a case of the grass is greener on the other side. Have you and Wendell sought couples counselling? Are you making him feel loved and special, or are you all wrapped up and consumed with this other man?

You can be poly and have a mono spouse.

I, too, am not inclined to tell you what to do, but I do think you should talk to Wendell, and not tell him what you are going to do. Saying, "I am going to spend most of my nights with Aiden," is not the right approach. You need to ask Wendell what he needs to be comfortable and what he needs from you.

If you know the marriage is over, end it now and prevent more heartache.

Ry
 
I think there's some very sage advice in this thread... but if everything has been tried and the marriage is unhappy, then I think you need to leave. I am very new to poly relationships, but it seems to me that the fact of being poly should not mean that instead of ending relationships that need ending, you should just add more relationships. (Take this with a grain of salt, I am a recently divorced person!).

But especially since your husband is "not really poly", as you say, this sounds like a situation with no benefits for him, and alot of potential hurt. Seems like it would be kinder to end it, perhaps.
 
Thank you. I appreciate your advice.

I would like to work it out with Wendell, but we are just not on the same page, and we are not in love. He knows that although I do love him, and really don't want a divorce, it's just that I want a real chance with Aiden.

He is recently single, so I fear two things:
1. With my current married status, I won't be enough for him, only being able to see him 1 week night a week. And we both want more.
2. He will find someone who isn't poly, and leave me.

I don't know if there is a real solution. It seems pretty grim, either way.
 
I'm kind of confused.

Why do you want to leave your husband? It sounds like you are not unhappy in that relationship.
What does the decision to leave Wendell or not have to do with Aiden?
Why do you feel it would be necessary to leave Wendell in order to have a full relationship with Aiden?
What does Wendell being mono or poly have to do with anything in this?
Why would your being married be an issue with Aiden, especially since you have been right along?
Why would Aiden leave you if he started seeing someone in addition to you, even if that person were mono?

I guess I just don't see how your having a relationship with one of these men has anything to do with you having a relationship with the other, or how one relationship could possibly affect the depth of feeling you have a different partner.
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only child of a mono mother and a poly father
mono partner of a wonderful poly partner
 
So, you are saying you think maybe your boyfriend won't be satisfied with just seeing you once a week? and that maybe he'll then meet a monogamous person who will see him more than once a week, and leave you for that new person?

What would need to happen in order for you to see your boyfriend twice a week? How much compromising is your husband willing to do? and is he just reluctantly/resentfully going along with it, or is his heart in it?

Just trying to get a bit better understanding on the situation.
 
Gwenyth said:
I'm kind of confused...
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No, I'm not unhappy, and wish I did not have to choose. Wendell isn't happy.

I only see Aiden once a week. I want more. Wendell wants less.

I am in pain from not seeing Aiden, and hate the separation I have to face when leaving him.

Wendell thinks I should be home with my 17-yr old daughter and it's not right. He does not want to share me and has made several scary threats, both physical and divorce. Since he knows I am in love with Aiden and not him, he is angered and hurt.

Like I said, I want more. Also, since I am not in love with Wendell anymore, I want to be with Aiden more often than with Wendell.

I can't even go out with Aiden on the weekends. Just how long is that gonna work for him? I want a real shot at this with him.
 
I don't like the sound of physical threats. Having said that, your husband clearly does not consent to you having a boyfriend at all, so I think you will have to choose one and only one: husband or boyfriend. If husband you choose, I would suggest that both of you probably need to do some digging and find out what has gone wrong in your marriage. I would get a marriage counselor if possible.

Of course there is also the question of, is it worth trying to fix a marriage that's gone so far downhill that physical threats are being made? What are the extent and nature of these threats? Is it bluffing, or are you pretty sure your husband is serious about it?

If you're going to choose your boyfriend, then you should probably tell your husband you want a divorce. Why have him plug on with a situation in which you're in love with someone else but not him?

What do you you really want to do? is the big question.
 
Polywife123 said:
Wendell knows I am in love with Aiden and not him. He is angered and hurt. I want more. Since I am not in love with Wendell anymore I want to be with Aiden more often than with Wendell.
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Then tell Wendell it's over. Walk away clean, and don't look back. I think a clean break would be more merciful than living in a marriage that doesn't want you.
 
Wendell has told me he has had thoughts of killing us both. Most times he seems ok, but he has lost respect for me. And when he's stressed, sometimes he'll call me names and act as though he is gonna hit me. We have a therapist. It just doesn't help to resolve that we feel very differently. He has gotten a lot better this time around, but still says he's losing love and respect for me, and wants to leave me when our daughter is gone.
 
Re:
"He has told me he has had thoughts of killing us both. Most times he seems okay but had lost respect for me and if he's stressed sometimes he'll call me names and act as though he is gonna hit me."
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That's pretty bad (all of it but especially the stuff about killing).

It sounds to me like the marriage is scheduled for termination anyway; maybe you should consider the cost and benefits of terminating early.
 
Wendell has threatened to kill you and Aiden, and has almost hit you? (I am wondering if he has already hit you.) Aiden is shady and dark, but you like it? What's going on here, woman? Do you have some kind of death wish? Are there drugs involved?

Where was your marriage when you began swinging to add spice? We you already bored and out of love with each other then?

I fear for your safety. If Aiden worthy of anything, he will agree to a break while you sort your head out. Things sound very messed up here.

If you fear Aiden will leave you if you don't, like, move in with him immediately, despite having had a 20 year marriage and kid(s?), he isn't worthy of you.
 
Yes one would hope this lover/boyfriend would have consideration for the marriage and the many years invested in it.
 
Magdlyn said:
Wendell has threatened to kill you and Aiden, and has almost hit you? (I am wondering if he has already hit you.) Aiden is shady and dark, but you like it? What's going on here, woman? Do you have some kind of death wish? Are there drugs involved?

Where was your marriage when you began swinging to add spice? We you already bored and out of love with each other then?

I fear for your safety. If Aiden is worthy of anything, he will agree to a break while you sort your head out. Things sound very messed up here.

If you fear Aiden will leave you if you don't, like, move in with him immediately, despite having had a 20 year marriage and kid(s?), he isn't worthy of you.
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Lol. You couldn't be more off. So easy to pass judgement. I can assure you there is no drinking, no drugs, no hitting anyone whatsoever! However, Wendell is hurt.

And duh. Umm... yes, we were bored and probably not in love then either. Usually that's the point of swinging!!!!!!! We were married for almost 18 years prior to swinging.

I understand you only are reading what I wrote, but I'm not confused, and my husband is not confused! We believe in two different lifestyles. I am in love with someone who is not my husband. I love my husband but I am not in love with him. My husband wants monogamy and I want more freedom. What is so hard to understand?

True, I wish he wasn't upset, and never lost his cool from time to time, but that doesn't mean he hit me!!!!!!!! We are educated professional people. We have been to therapy, but it hasn't helped any, and is not likely to, when people have strong opposing feelings.

I guess this is just something most people cannot understand, and I will have to sort it out without other people's opinions.
 
I could be wrong, but here's what I'm hearing:

  • I love my bf Aiden. I want to work on that relationship.
  • I no longer love my husband Wendell. I don't want to work on that relationship.

So... how about ending Wendell's obvious suffering, and divorcing him, freeing him to seek happiness again, rather than having him along for the ride in a polyship he does not really want to be in, for the second time?

How about ending your own suffering to free you to be with Aiden?

Breaking up stinks for both of you, but the suffering has an end point. Suffering on and on and on with no end in sight -- that's worse!

I'm not going to say anything about Aiden's shady character, or Wendell threatening to hit you, except that all that seems weird and concerning, to me. Maybe if you were alone it would be better.

But stripping that stuff away from your writing, I still get to a general summary from your posts:

  • I love my BF. I want to work on that relationship.

That is the thing you want to do. That is where your energy and your willingness seem to be. If so, you could make the call, and stop sitting on the fence.
 
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Here is what I think you should do, and why:

Stay with your husband. It's better to deal with the devil you know already than the one you don't.

Ordinarily, I'd say to get rid of them both and get your own act together, but it's obvious to me that you're scared of being alone, so I don't expect you to do that.
 
I think the title of the thread says it all. You want a chance to develop this relationship to its fullest. I think you should go for it. You no longer have a romantic marriage with Wendell, so why torture yourself and him? Life too short.

To what end would staying together make sense?

What's the big difference if your daughter is 17 at home, or 18 out of the house?

It sounds like the marriage is dead and on artificial life support, and no one's got the guts to pull the plug. Rip the Band-aid off. Go be happy.
 
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