First challenge and I am not dealing

[Anyanka]

While I'm sorry you now have to deal with "break-up ugh," I am glad to hear you decided to end a relationship that wasn't feeding you, rather than dragging it out. It wasn't sounding like what you are ultimately seeking. It sounded like the return on your investment wasn't up to snuff for you.

You have every right to feel whatever it is you feel. Feelings come and go. They don't have to make sense to you at the time. Like the sense of hearing, seeing, touch, etc., he sense of emotions helps give you feedback about the world around you and let you know when your actions/thoughts are in alignment, helps you decide things, and more. Some feelings are yummy to feel. Some are yucky to feel. All of them give you some data about the situation you are in.

So you decided something. Hopefully in time you will start to feel better and come to find that this decision served you well.

Thanks, GG. A return on my investment sounds clinical, but you are right. At some point it has to be looked at in such terms, I guess.

Thanks for the response.

 

[GalaGirl]

Pretty much. Sooner or later it is "pros and cons" time, and if the "cons" side of the list is longer, it might be time to stop putting so much in.

Again, I'm sorry to hear you have to deal in break-up ugh right now. I hope it leads to better later, though.

 

[bookbug]

******* please don't hate me

LOL! Poly is not a club with in members and out members. No one will hate you for honestly assessing a situation and finding that it won't work.

 

[Anyanka]

Well, he and I talked, and he addressed the 'DTR' talk, which is what bought me to this forum in the first place.

He wants him and me to be a 'hub,' the most significant person in each other's lives, without marriage, labels, whatever. This is exactly what I wanted (needed?) to hear. It's perfect.

The bad news is, he thinks he needs to stay in his city for another 12 months. And although there will be visits, I am not sure I can do another 12 months without going batshit crazy.

We aren't 'back on,' as I told him I need to think things through. I have concerns about seeing others in a distance thing, as well. I am not sure, given that this is new to me anyhow, that distance won't just exacerbate those initial teething issues.

I am not entirely sure how to bring all of this up, whether or not to outline what will or won't work for me, and leave it up to him to be okay/not okay with it, or hang in there for the short term and see how we go, or stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to.

Is it reasonable to say that I am not comfortable with either of us dating while we are still working at being together? That any issues that may come up are not going to be easily dealt with at a distance? I just cannot see me being okay with someone else being able to see him/spend time with him while I am stuck on the computer/phone.

Be gentle with me. I am not trying to control him. I am trying to be honest with what I am quite sure will be my issues and save us both from some angst.

I don't even know how to express this to him without coming across as controlling. I am okay with exploring his needs, I really am. But I just think asking me to be okay with it from here, while he is there, is a big ask. He hasn't asked, but 12 months? I figure it is bound to come up.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yeah, I don't know how people deal with long-distance relationships, especially ones that have started out long distance, instead of being together initially and then one partner moving away temporarily for work, military service, or school.

How does one do it? You want to be primaries, but he can't/won't move for another year, and yet he seems interested in having local gfs/fuck buddies. NRE could well kick in and suddenly he and she are spending time together every day. Yuck. Where does that leave you, hanging on the telephone line? Bleh.

 

[Anyanka]

Yeah, I don't know how people deal with long-distance relationships, especially ones that have started out long distance, instead of being together initially and then one partner moving away temporarily for work, military service, or school.

How does one do it? You want to be primaries, but he can't/won't move for another year, and yet he seems interested in having local gfs/fuck buddies. NRE could well kick in and suddenly he and she are spending time together every day. Yuck. Where does that leave you, hanging on the telephone line? Bleh.

Exactly. No matter which way I spin it, it just looks sucky.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I don't subscribe to primary and secondary relationships myself. I also don't do long distance well.

My husband Maca has to work out of town at times. My partner GG will be the first to say its miserable for all of us, but most especially it's rough on me. More than 2 weeks apart and it gets messy.

 

[Anyanka]

It's funny cuz it's true . . .

 

[GalaGirl]

You could just go for straight-up honest conversation. Something like:

"I am okay with you exploring your needs, I really am.​

​

I just think asking me to be your "main hub" person in a long-distance relationship for 12 months is not for me. I do not like LDRs. I just cannot see me being okay with someone else being able to see you and spend time with you, while I am stuck on a computer/phone. I'd rather be closed until we are local, if I dated you long distance at all. You'd rather date other people now. We are not compatible. ​

​

I prefer to stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to. Then I'd be sparing myself any future angst over LDR problems, and you'd be free to date whom you wish. You could look me up when you are local. We can see what we see then."​

There. Problems solved.

If he does move in 12 months, and you still want to date him then at that time, great. Date him then.

But at this point in time, you wanted to end if for a reason. You could let it be ended for a while, see what that feels like, see if it serves you better.

You have every right to have your relationships in the manner you enjoy best. So does he. If they line up, great. If not, so be it. That's what dating is for, to find those best compatible.

Galagirl

 

[Anyanka]

"I am okay with you exploring your needs. I really am.​

​

I just think asking me to be you "main hub" person in a LDR for 12 months is not for me. I just cannot see me being okay with someone else being able to see you and spend time with you while I am stuck on a computer/phone. I'd rather be closed until we are local. You'd rather date now. We are not compatible. ​

​

I prefer to stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to. Then I'd be sparing myself any future angst over LDR problems and you'd be free to date whom you wish."​

There. Problems solved. If he does move in 12 months, and you still want to date him then, at that time, great.

But at this point in time, you wanted to end if for a reason. You vould let it be ended for a while. See what that feels like. See if it serves you better.

This is actually what I had in mind. Well, I was going to ask him for a couple of weeks to think things through, but let him know that this is where my head is at right now.

I don't see any way around it, unless he is prepared to visit very regularly, and that seems unsustainable, really.

Thanks.

 

[Anyanka]

One of my big fears about putting things on ice for 12 months is that he and I will lose what we have. At the moment, we talk almost every day, usually for a couple of hours, and we have just gotten to the point of finally figuring out what we want from each other, so it is frustrating to think of giving that up.

Can a relationship be picked up down the road? I have had a few exes come back after time. I have one from 10 years ago in contact now, as a friend. I have never found it possible or desirable to rekindle anything romantic. This might be just me, perhaps?

 

[GalaGirl]

One of my big fears about putting things on ice for 12 months is that he and I will lose what we have. At the moment, we talk almost every day, usually for a couple of hours, and we have just gotten to the point of finally figuring out what we want from each other. It is frustrating to think of giving that up.

You don't have to give up contact. You don't even have to give up the romance. You could give up expecting to have it right this minute, and just wait until a better time.

You could call it a "friendship with romance potential" for now, if that helps you feel better and be free to date others in the meanwhile.

Can a relationship be picked up down the road?

I think you mean "Can a romance be picked up down the road?"

Sure. Why not? Anything is possible.

 

[Anyanka]

One of the things I love about people who identify as poly is their seemingly open-ended approach to what feelings are or could be. Your post is a perfect example of that, GG.

For me, I have this rather B/W mentality, and as we all know, the world is as we perceive it to be.

I guess I think that he and I have fought some tough battles to arrive at the point we are, and dialing that down to a 'friendship' is difficult for me to conceptualise. I need to think on this.

*** I have chickened out of making a decision tonight. I have spent the evening engrossed in a bottle of Absolut and pretending that I am asexual. It's working... kinda.

Thanks for the response.

 

[LovingRadiance]

How about not making that decision, per se?

My boyfriend, GreenGecko--
We met 20 years ago.
We were friends.
Then we were lovers.
Then I moved and we were friends who talked a lot about sexy stuff.
Then I moved again.
We became lovers again.
Etc.
We now live together with my husband. We have a child. We are family.

But through it all, we were best friends and we loved each other.

The key, and this isn't always easy to learn to do, but once you force yourself to it's really awesome, is accepting whatever it is you can give/be to each other in the moment, instead of projecting forward.

We kept our projection to "I will always love you." We didn't try to force that love to fit into any specific label. That is precisely we are still together today, because we didn't bail on our love and friendship just because there were times we couldn't give each other the depth of love and commitment we wanted to have sometime.

 

[Anyanka]

A really beautiful thought and post. Ty.

 

[Anneintherain]

I am not entirely sure how to bring all of this up, whether or not to outline what will or won't work for me, and leave it up to him to be okay/not okay with it, or hang in there for the short term and see how we go, or stick with my decision to walk away before it just gets even harder to.

If you know what you need, and what your firm boundaries are, it seems the only sane thing to do (in any relationship) is to say so, so the other party can make their decision if it works for them, or negotiate if there is a need.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

xkcd comic

OMG. I love that strip. I had to print it out this AM and leave it on MrS's computer for him to enjoy. (He's a math geek). Later in the day he texted me and made reference to it.