Being in...a triad...and also part of what I call an N... I suppose I could talk about either side of this conversation.
... people who write in talking about their personal circumstances (say, starting married, and perhaps opening things up in small steps, or enjoying being with couples because they like the dynamic of joining something established) and get pounced on with questions that others seem to not get asked. Have you thought of THIS? Have you considered THAT? And so on. Many of the questions imply that the member of the couple, or the person joining a couple is a dumb-ass, or self-centered, or rude to the others in the relationship, or lacking in the wisdom that is this forum.
First of all, I like being pounced upon. By cats, kids or a lover! But piled on can be oppressive, which is probably what happens to innocent, naive, downright ignorant unicorns and unicorn hunters, when they come here looking for advice.
...Wait a minute, they are on a board with hundreds of members, asking for advice, and they get a ton of it, from well-meaning people, and then they feel piled upon! Well, if you don't want multiple opinions, maybe you shouldn't go to a message board. heh. Go read sites like morethantwo, go read a couple books, go find a poly-friendly therapist. Don't ask for advice here and then be mad when you damn well get some. If you just want information and support, see above.
I know the mods here want us to all be gently supportive at all times, and can and do ban members with more abrasive personalities. I know sometimes I am more abrasive than I should be, but shit, these same kinds of people just keep coming here over and over again, with their unicorn boxes and traps, thinking they are so unique, and the exception to the stereotype!
Which may be true. Yeah, people opening up don't know what people who have lived this way for a while know. But the pouncing is what looks different.
As a former unicorn hunter, with 14 years' perspective on THAT experiment (my ex and I opened our relationship in 1999), I speak from both sides. I was the bi wife looking for a woman to share with my straight husband. We found one, and as often happens, she immediately preferred my husband. I got no sex, no cuddles, no romance from her, and he and she were soulmates, in NRE, chatting for hours. He was all twitterpated. Here I'd been his partner through thick and thin for 20 years, and suddenly she had supplanted my place, and, I felt, had more attraction for him than I did. Or at least, just as much. It was really weird! I wasn't expecting the tidal force of NRE.
Previous to starting our hunt, my husband said I could have veto power. If I were ever unhappy with this arrangement of sharing a woman, I came first, he'd give her up. After giving their relationship several months, I was extremely unhappy (since she wasn't into me, since she was taking so much of his time, attention, and OUR money, and because I felt he was neglecting our children), I did veto. Then they were both broken-hearted, and he punished me passive-aggressively for the veto he'd granted me permission to use.
I became so depressed at our failed experiment, and the result of the veto, that I got clinically depressed to the point I was screaming/crying daily, couldn't get out of bed, needed Zoloft and 3 years of therapy.
Now, in retrospect, I also feel bad for my husband and his gf! It wasn't fair to them, either. We all suffered greatly.
So! Excuse me for "pouncing," unicorns, and those that hunt you. I am only trying to save you from the horrific massive depression our hunt produced.
