Unicorns & Unicorn Hunters - Merged Threads, General Discussion

[SchrodingersCat]

Me saying we dated women who would be considered a "unicorn" by the poly community, meant MY town, the poly groups that I have run into.

I still don't get what prompted them to call her that. Do you mean the people in your town actually call any bi woman a unicorn if she happens to be dating two people who are also dating each other? Cuz that's just screwed up.

Which might not be what you see as a unicorn. It really does not matter what I think it means. This is what is wrong with labels!

Yeah, and it gets even more confusing when you come across women who've chosen to embrace the label because their preference is dating couples-- which I'm forced to accept, based on my fundamental principle of always allowing people to choose their own labels, and have them mean whatever the fuck they want, even if it makes no fucking sense.

I am not perpetuating any myth, but I believe in open communication. If any of us see a word and want to debunk it and throw it out, we will, and move onto the next. I find it freeing.

Fair enough. I can see how if you have a personal history with a term being used inappropriately at you in a derogatory sense, it's very reasonable to just want to see that term eradicated.

 

[kdt26417]

A unicorn is generally ...

• a bisexual woman,
• joined to an M/F couple (where the male is heterosexual and the female is bisexual),
• equally in love with both members of the couple,
• secondary (where the couple is primary),
• a secret part of the couple's life,
• never introduced to the couple's families,
• living in the couple's home,
• financially dependent (where the couple is financially independent),
• young (younger than the couple),
• childless,
• the couple's babysitter for free,
• the couple's maid for free,
• partnered with the couple only,
• sexually exclusive with the couple,
• available for sex whenever the couple wants it,
• used for threesome sex only (where the couple can have one-on-one sex with each other),
• celibate whenever couple says so (for any or no reason, and for as long as the couple wants),
• subject to veto power at any time (for any or no reason),
• vested with no veto power.

The word "unicorn" suggests something that doesn't exist, and given the above list, you can see why.

 

[supergreat]

a unicorn is generally?

A unicorn is generally ...

• a bisexual woman,
• joined to an M/F couple (where the male is heterosexual and the female is bisexual),
• equally in love with both members of the couple,
• secondary (where the couple is primary),
• a secret part of the couple's life,
• never introduced to the couple's families,
• living in the couple's home,
• financially dependent (where the couple is financially independent),
• young (younger than the couple),
• childless,
• the couple's babysitter for free,
• the couple's maid for free,
• partnered with the couple only,
• sexually exclusive with the couple,
• available for sex whenever the couple wants it,
• used for threesome sex only (where the couple can have one-on-one sex with each other),
• celibate whenever couple says so (for any or no reason, and for as long as the couple wants),
• subject to veto power at any time (for any or no reason),
• vested with no veto power.

The word "unicorn" suggests something that doesn't exist, and given the above list, you can see why.

I'll have to seriously consider these "stipulations," seeing as I recently fell into (at least what is said to be) a similar situation.

1. We didn't know we were bisexual until a little too much tequila was involved. Since then, we've had the best sex of our lives (by ourselves and with my/our husband)
.2. 1 answers that question.
3. We have made it quite clear amongst ourselves that we love each other equally and that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.
4. My husband and I are the "couple" and have been married for 12 years, but we have all known each other about the same amount of time and realized that we loved each other at the same time, about a year ago. We have been calling each other Momma, Daddy, and Baby.
5. Baby just moved in with us, but I'm pretty sure after so many years our families (which are mostly conservative, but we don't care) are gonna figure out that we are together.
6. All of our families have been friends for years (even celebrating holidays/etc.).
7. After Baby decided to get divorced from her husband, she moved in with us.
8. Baby is sorta financially dependent, because she is in the middle of a divorce, but we share the bills/expenses by percentage of income (thanks to research of how others do it, plus common sense).
9. Baby is not younger, actually older. I am 34, husband is 33, and Baby is 37.
10. Baby is not childless. She has 2 kids. We have 4. They were born and grew up together and have been basically family already.
11. We share babysitting duties based on who's home/working.
12. Maid for free? That's kinda rude. We all clean, cook, whatever, as needed and when we have time/energy.
13. We are only partnered together. Of course, things may change in the future, but we have discussed this, and at this time we would consider it cheating if we looked outside of our triad, which none of us wants to do.
14. We are sexually exclusive.
15. As in any relationship, sex isn't a a bargaining chip. If we want it, we need to make sure they do too. I wouldn't want someone to force me to have sex, so I wouldn't do that to someone else. Usually we 3 are together.
16. The word "used" here is key. Baby is not a sex slave. We love/care about each other. Yes, we have threesomes. (Which I am getting used to.) Yes, I still have sex with my husband. Yes, I have sex with my wife/gf/"Baby." Yes, I would and do let my husband sleep with her too, but it's still way too new, and we are just getting used to feelings/logistics.
17. Celibate whenever the couple says so? That really sounds horrible, but unfortunately that has been the way it's been. Hopefully, once we work the kinks out, we we will feel free to have sex with whoever we want, whenever we want, at least until the tricky legal/divorce stuff is over, and the kids are used to us all being together. It's definitely a fine line we have to walk. Ideally, I want us all to sleep in the same room every night, and I guess the sex will just hopefully be natural, depending on who wants it at the time.
18/19. When it comes to day-to-day decisions, we all have an equal vote. My husband and I even let Baby have a bigger voice sometimes, so she knows she is just as important and that we love her just as much. When it comes to my husband and my long-term joint accounts (mortgage/student loans/etc.), we legally have to make the decisions together, with her input, when appropriate. Baby definitely has veto power when it concerns our relationship/life/well-being. We care about her enough to take her feelings/needs into account with every decision we make.

I think this was mostly an exercise for me to even really understand what I am getting myself into. We are extremely new to the lifestyle (considered it about 3 months ago, and became serious a month ago when she moved in). Really, I didn't even know much about it until a week ago, and started gathering information. I don't know how much they know, probably not as much as me, because I am a serious researcher. We all just knew we loved each other and felt like we could be in a relationship together forever

Now, when I look at my life when I'm old, I see three rocking chairs, instead of two, and the more the merrier, I say.

 

[kdt26417]

I've heard it said that someone can count as a unicorn even if only a few items on "my list" apply to them. Regardless, supergreat, I don't think you're treating "your unicorn" badly or unrealistically, so I think you're okay.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Hey supergreat,

It sounds to me like you've got a healthy mindset, but that you've found yourself in a situation that can be a real minefield. I applaud you for taking the time to think it through critically, and to not just say "this couldn't POSSIBLY apply to me/us!!!", which is what a lot of people seem to do. I highly encourage you to read this essay, if you haven't already -- http://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

A couple more suggestions based on six years of reading people's stories here:
- Consider separate bedrooms, if feasible. One for each of you would be ideal, but some other arrangement would work if there aren't that many rooms (which I imagine there aren't). It's just that three people sleeping in a single bed and living out of a single room can feel very, very crowded after long enough, and it can be nice for there to be a separate space for someone to retreat to if they just want a little breathing room.
- Consider being flexible on the exclusivity part of your arrangement. After all, you and your husband opened up your relationship and found your "wife" because of it. Now she's becoming integrated into a life that wasn't built for her, and building new relationships with two people who have a MUCH longer romantic history between them than she has with either of them. That can feel a bit alienating, despite everyone's best efforts. There may come a day when she wants to start something new with someone who isn't already attached at the hip to someone else. Is it really fair to not allow her the same freedom that you two allowed each other at the start of all this?
- Consider what will happen if/when she discovers that she clicks more, either emotionally or sexually, with one of you than the other. No two relationships are the same, after all. So, what if she and your husband maintain a passion for each other, but you and she do not? Is she kicked to the curb in that scenario? Is that fair, when it would break both her heart and his? If it's not fair, then how do you plan for the possibility? (This comes back to my point about separate bedrooms.) Obviously, it could work the other way, as well.

Just something to think about as a serious possibility.

Best of luck!

 

[Bluebird]

I'm in a V, not a triad, but one issue we made sure to confront once we decided we were thinking long term was retirement and death. As a legal partner, you and your husband have rights that your girlfriend does not. It's important to make sure everyone's financial well-being is looked after. My husbands both have life insurance policies that pay out to me, and mine is split 50/50 between them. As far as 401(k) accounts, we made sure to talk about those and decide how to direct those funds, as well.

What about pre-existing savings? Does she get a portion of those if things turn sour?

Are you opening up savings accounts with her in mind, as well? What about educational plans for her kids? If you are going to raise them together with your children, are the college funds going to be equal? Are either of you going to have more children?

If your husband passes away, will there be paperwork in place so that her children will inherit the same as your kids with him? Or will there be a clear delineation between the households in that way?

What if she were to pass suddenly? Would her children go back to the ex and you have zero visitation rights? Might not matter to you now, but in a few years it could be devastating.

Definitely spend time thinking about this. It isn't fun or sexy, but I think it is super important. End of life planning can cause so much drama, and you don't want it to come as a shock after someone dies that stuff isn't worked out already. And what seems obvious to one person might not be to another.

 

[IndieSolo]

We are extremely new to the lifestyle. We considered it about 3 months ago, and became serious a month ago when she moved in.

Are you saying she moved in with you after only two months of dating? Did you know her longer than that? I ask because having someone you only know for two months move in with you is a recipe for disaster. You can read the Blogs here to find out.

 

[Magdlyn]

Are you saying she moved in with you after only two months of dating? Did you know her longer than that? I ask because having someone you only know for two months move in with you is a recipe for disaster.

From above:

My husband and I are the "couple," and have been married for 12 years, but we have all known each other about the same amount of time, and realized that we loved each other at the same time (about a year ago).

So, the married couple had this female friend their entire married life. One year ago, they both fell in love with her, and vice versa. A couple months ago, she moved in with them.

 

[Looking]

I don't mind the term unicorn hunter!

It seems like a lot of people hate that term, but it's what my wife and I are doing. We're hunting for a new dynamic to our relationship.

I'll be the first to agree, 'the couple and their girlfriend' concept never works. When we started 'hunting,' we looked for somebody that is going to help us grow. We don't make a checklist, then make sure she conforms to it.

While dating, we both individually date her. It doesn't have to be the three of us. It doesn't have to be my turn, your turn. We just let it happen. Wife and gf want to go out to dinner, but I have to work late, well, it turns into dinner for two. Yay for them!

Once we get to the point of an actual relationship, that person is equal. We have veto rules, but it's with all three of us. 2 vs 1, the 2 always wins no matter who those two are.

As far as introducing them to family and friends, we do! I'm lucky that my family is very accepting to our lifestyle. My wife's family, on the other hand, wasn't. At first they raised nine kinds of hell, but with time they've really come around. For our partners, we've always let them decide if and when to tell their family. We support them in whatever they chose.

When it comes to money, we have the same rules for each other. Everyone has permission to buy any household NEEDS. Everyone has permission to purchase any WANTS under $75 without any question. Of course, we all have to take precautions when we do this (i.e., check bank accounts and upcoming bills and expenses). For WANTS that are over $75, we all must approve. Also we have a 3-day waiting period for large purchases, just to keep our impulses to a minimum.

We've been in three triads in the past few years. Admittedly, these didn't work out, but neither do most relationships. One moved away (S), one couldn't deal with the thought of her family finding out (C), and the other just kinda fizzled out after a few weeks (A). I personally feel that there was no harm in trying these. When the time came for them to end, we were all mature about it. We're still friends with each of them.

S lives about 2000 miles away, but we (each) chat with her once or twice a month.

C lives literally about 1 mile away. We speak to her the least. We suspect her now husband isn't totally comfortable with our history. That's an assumption we've made. Honestly, we don't know if he knows or not. It could very well be that she's just busy with life (marriage, kids, work).

A is over at our house almost weekly, just as friends. She often brings her boyfriend with her.

In closing, I'd like to remind couples searching for a unicorn of a few things.
1) unicorns are people, not objects.
2) stop asking every bisexual friend to join your relationship.
3) most of our relationships started with ladies who didn't know they were bi.
4) communicate communicate communicate
5) if you're going to bring someone into your current relationship, consider what that means for your children and her children.
6) it's not one relationship! It's three; A+B, A+C and B+C.
7) treat the incoming partner just as you would wanna be treated if you were in her shoes.
8) search for love, not lust. If you want lust, that's great, but that's called a threesome. Don't try to justify it as a relationship. Be honest with your intentions.

 

[HappyGringoCoupleChile]

It can be beautiful

I have been thinking of making a post saying what I am and what I'm seeking. But suffice it for now to say that I'm a hot bi woman looking for a couple/family that I can have sexual and emotional intimacy with. So I guess I am a unicorn. LOL

YGirl, why is my point of view refreshing? I think it's simply naive. 0_0

As mentioned above, we had a beautiful and rich relationship with a very special woman. Our family and friends accepted her as part of our happy family. We just increased our circle of love.

More on this later. Must run. Ciao for now.

 

[Natja]

Always new people, innit?

 

[Leetah]

I am a bit sorry that the reception they get may be keeping them from becoming senior people. I may be missing it, but it doesn't seem that we see a lot of "Oh gosh! We didn't realize we were being thoughtless and silly! Thanks all for pointing it out so thoroughly!" Then again, maybe they just go to lurking and take new names when ready to post.

 

[A2Poly]

A unicorn is generally ...
The word "unicorn" suggests something that doesn't exist, and given the above list, you can see why.

Thanks, Kevin. I used your list in another online discussion today. It was very helpful, which is to say that it sure got the conversation going!

I got attacked by the poly-noobs, as expected, but also by a 20-year triad member who likes being called a unicorn and found the list offensive. Ugh. Yes, I get that 20 years ago, when your organic triad formed, it was great, and you felt like a unicorn. But most people aren't so lucky!

 

[kdt26417]

Glad to be of help A2P.

 

[StumblingAlong]

I was a unicorn in a relationship. I fit most of that list at the time. Oh well, lesson learned.

Now I am working my butt off to be sure the girlfriend V and I share doesn't end up like I was. One big difference is we have told her if someone comes along and she wants to date them, she is free to. We won't stop her from dating or loving others.

Another difference is Tabitha is older than V and I are, and not nearly as naive as I was.

 

[kdt26417]

I have confidence in you StumblingAlong; you'll do fine.

 

[DustyNSadie]

Lonely Unicorn

I recently discovered that being a single, bi, poly woman, and a young pretty one at that, can be an utter curse. You would think that the lineups of couples desperate to spice up their love life with a token bi girl... that it would be at least pleasant. I find it utterly lonely, and a true testament to people's complete selfishness.

I am not a toy, or a hooker. I am not a sex therapist, or the solution to a failing marriage. I am a young woman, who wants a loving woman and a loving man, in my life. I want tosfbe treasured like the remarkable person I am.

Everybody wants a sexual threesome, but nobody wants to hear about how my day went, or what I want to do on my vacation.

Am I doing something wrong? ery well said.

Lonely Unicorn

I recently discovered that being a single, bi, poly woman, and a young pretty one at that, can be an utter curse. You would think that the lineups of couples desperate to spice up their love life with a token bi girl... that it would be at least pleasant. I find it utterly lonely, and a true testament to people's complete selfishness.

I am not a toy, or a hooker. I am not a sex therapist, or the solution to a failing marriage. I am a young woman, who wants a loving woman and a loving man, in my life. I want to be treasured like the remarkable person I am.

Everybody wants a sexual threesome, but nobody wants to hear about how my day went, or what I want to do on my vacation.

Am I doing something wrong?

Very well said. We are in our mid 50's our sex life and personal life are not in danger and we are not looking for any of the things you had mentioned. We are actually looking for someone to share our lives with. This has been a long road and we have ran into a few folks that we thought were on our level, but turn out to be flakes or just used us in a way to solve their own issues that were not layed out first. It makes us ask if were are doing something wrong. Your post is dated, but it was nice to see what you had wrote and couldnt agree more.