Unicorns & Unicorn Hunters - Merged Threads, General Discussion

WeWerentHunting Wife,

You are doing the oh-so-typical flouncing that so many unicorn hunters do here when suggestions are made that dating as a couple doesn't work. But I understand you feel emotionally flooded. As newbies, you expected couples dating as a unit was a healthy well-accepted form of polyamory. You didn't know it is almost always a train wreck to attempt forced triads and insistence on the "girl" "you share" and "invited into your relationship" to only have sex with both of you in threesomes, while you two, as the established couple, can have one-on-one sex with each other.

Here is one of the consequences of insisting on sharing an account. You both claim to confer before posting, but you were unaware your husband called your "girlfriend" silly and stupid for not calling you two when she was lonely, instead of letting her "ex" into her house. Now you share responsibility for his remarks.
 
On the thread your husband started called "Were new here and looking for insite [sic]," D said:

Gf claims she's done, and we went over and rescued her weds night after she had a blowup with him. She was convincing about wanting it to end and K and I were both biting our lips to keep from saying "right here stupid" everytime she mentioned things that she wanted in her life that we're comfortable sharing with her. As in "a good man," one that treats her with respect, etc.
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Hope that helps clarify things.
 
still going strong

Dagferi said:
All to fulfill their husbands "dream".

I wonder how many triads we have lurking here on the boards are beyond the NEW point and still going strong?
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We've been together over a year the NRE has wore off but we still love it and are quite happy.
 
As a wife of a triad. Posts like these hurt my heart.

There is DH, me, and our girlfriend. We began as a V, with DH in the center, and moved to a closed triad.

I don't see anything wrong with couples looking for a third, because that is what they are looking for. They have the ability to find someone to join them as someone who is looking for another partner. The problem lies in how the handle it.

And I think that's why WE work so well. From day 1, when she joined our family, she was equal. There was no veto power. There was no couples privilege. Not saying that couples privilege doesn't exist. Oh lord, it is easy to have it pop up. BUT it's how you handle it.

As the wife-- (I use that title because it's what I am. She's just as important to us, but it's what I legally am, so that's how I'm referring to myself)-- I work very hard to keep it in check, and remember that I have no extra privileges than she does. There aren't restrictions on whether they can talk, text, have sex etc. Just like there aren't with me and her.

If we are all together, and someone feels the need to have sex, we will ask the other two. If one doesn't feel like it, then it's free game. It isn't a rule or anything, but we do this because we all enjoy being together and don't like leaving anyone out.

We each work on our separate relationships, as well as our triad. DH and GF carve out time each week, just the two of them. DH and I do the same. GF and I do the same, because it's important and enjoyable.

We are very lucky to all care about and love each other. I know that my and her relationship isn't as strong as his and hers, and mine and his, but that's ok. I don't expect her to fit a mold. She's been with him longer and so have I. It's only natural those relationships would be more cemented. But she and I grow closer and more in love every day.

My point is that unicorn hunters aren't the problem, it's how they handle the situation. If you expect a woman to come in and be perfect and not be equal or have a say or anything then more than likely someone will get hurt. If everyone is equal and honest and upfront and have the expectation that things will evolve as they evolve, then it can be a wonderful and joyful experience. But I don't see how we would work out if I thought my and DH's relationship were superior.

Sorry for the typos. On my phone and autocorrect hates me.
 
Thanks for sharing that happytriad; I think you made some good points.
 
kdt26417 said:
Thanks for sharing that happytriad; I think you made some good points.
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Thank you. I know not all triads work, and there are people that are hurt by them, whether intentionally or not. I wanted to share what works for us, and that I completely understand how they can go bad, and what we've done to avoid that.
 
Last night K and I went to the store and on the way we were talking, as people often do, and we finished our statement together, with the same words. Exactly. This is also what happened after visiting with our gf when she was commiserating about her "ex."

The fact that we did this in the manner expressed; "Right here, stupid," and "Call us, Silly," DOES NOT mean that we were CALLING HER or REFFERING TO HER as such. We care for her very deeply and would never think such negative thoughts about her as has been suggested, regardless as how its been interpreted.

I'm sure we aren't the only ones that have ever said such playful things in an attempt to lighten our troubled and frustrated mood. So get over yourself and back off that point.

(Edit) And just to clear up one last thing, gf has ALL THE POWER as she does not live with us and chooses when she will or will not have contact with us. She has not responded to us for days at a time, we have had no contact with her for the last two days and respect her enough that we will not even drive by her house to even make sure she is alright. Let alone stop by unannounced to push matters. If she wants "space" we give it to her regardless of the stress it creates for us.
 
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I didn't want to start a new thread, so write to this.

Unicorn Hunters do exist, sad, but true.

I had girlfriends who have been in search for another pair for relationship. From experience can tell that 50% of all pairs are 100% unicorn hunters if compare to the most common description about unicorn hunters. 30% of couples fit half of that description. Last 20% are more open with their wishes.

I apologise for my poor writing skills. English not my native language. Also new to this forum.
 
Hi greyline15, welcome, your percentages sound about right to me.
 
I hate it too. I hate that it has to be so negative. I hate that the idea of wanting to share your love and relationship with a third, that doting on someone, that spoiling someone the way you spoil one another has to be so negative. I also hate that hoping she will love you both has to be negative. I grew up loving unicorns (the real mythical unicorns), so to me, it is a term of endearment.

For a brief time, we found our unicorn. It turns out she wasn't quite ready for the questions that came along with being with a married couple, but otherwise, all she said was that we made her happy. That was all I wanted.

They are real, they do exist, and it doesn't have to be negative.
 
Calling someone a third just shows that you just don't get it at all.
 
"Share your love and relationship." Share what you already have, as in fit her into your existing life, or as in actually try to build something new based on her wants/needs, the way you would in any other relationship?

"Hoping she will love both" Hoping or requiring?

"For a brief time"... "she wasn't quite ready"... I hate to be so cynical, but I feel like I know the most likely answers to my questions based on these phrases.
 
thecowgirl37 said:
I hate it too. I hate that it has to be so negative. I hate that the idea of wanting to share your love and relationship with a third... has to be so negative...
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You can't "share" the love in your dyad with another person. "We brought a girl into our marriage." What does that even mean?

Even parents don't "share the love" they have for each other with their child. Mom loves Dad, and vice versa. Mom loves Baby. Dad loves Baby. Baby loves Mom. Baby loves Dad. Or sometimes Baby isn't too into Dad, especially at first. Or sometimes Dad isn't quite ready to be a dad and doesn't much love his kid, neglecting her needs. Or sometimes Mom has PPD and doesn't feel much love for Baby in the first few months.

Baby might grow to witness the love her parents have for each other, and appreciate it, as her needs are being met from both of them. (Heh, sometimes Mom and Dad don't have much time to "show" their own love for each other when up to their knees in diapers, toys and spilled food. Ever go a month or more with no sex when you've got several rug rats running the show at home?)

Or, as Freud would say, Baby might grow to resent the love her parents have for each other, and desire to kill one or the other of them! :eek:

For a brief time, we found our unicorn. It turns out she wasn't quite ready for the questions that came along with being with a married couple, but otherwise, all she said was that we made her happy. That was all I wanted.
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If all you want is to make "a third" happy for a "brief time," well then. Have fun with that. :confused: She must have had unmet needs that caused her to break up with both of you. I'd find that sad and frustrating, myself.

I do see some kind of parents/child dynamic often in a triad. Unicorn hunters looking for a "girl" exposes this strange issue.
 
Merging these threads is a great idea, but....the first several pages have just a ton of jokey fluff. If I were a unicorn or her hunter and was referred to this thread for info, I probably would give up after the first few pages, which are really all nonsense, well before any good info/advice is presented. I wonder if it's ethical for mods to cut out all the jokey one liners and silly stuff and keep the meat of the topic. Just a thought.
 
Whoops, I included a joke thread by mistake. I've removed it to the Fireplace forum. The rest of this thread should be (mostly) serious now.


Please note: It is much easier to read long discussion threads if you set your default view to 40 posts per page. To do that, click on the "User CP" link at top. It will take you to your personal "User Control Panel" page. Scroll down to "Edit Options" on the menu at left, and then look for "Number of Posts to Show Per Page" in the "Thread Display Options" section, which is a little more than halfway down the page. Select "Show 40 Posts Per Page" and voila!
 
I despise the "unicorn" label.

When we first realized that we as a couple wanted to explore polyamory., we encountered this label and laughed about it.

As we got further into our emotional journey, spiritually figuring out what worked for us, what did not, who we wanted in our lives, we did date a few women who would be called a "unicorn" by the poly community.

I remember telling one of them what it meant, and it really truly offended her that she was some target of "hunters," seemingly in a predatory way. (Not us, of course.)

The woman we are with now shuns all aspects of that word, if she sees or hears it, and so do we. She is not a creature; she is not ours to stalk.

She belongs to herself, and gives her love freely to the both of us, NOT because she is bisexual, but because she is an amazing woman who is on this journey with us as an equal.
 
Whiskeyginger said:
we did date a few women who would be called a "unicorn" by the poly community.
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No they wouldn't, that's the whole point. Unicorns do not exist. It's not a "label" because there are no real live people to whom it applies.

If you and your partner have been treating women like unicorns, then shame on you. That's no way to treat anybody.

Unicorns are women who don't have needs of their own, or at least whose needs are tertiary, and whose sole relationship goal in life is to be with two people and serve their every whim and fancy.

Unicorns are like Prince Charmings. They're an ideal never realized by actual human people. And colloquially, unicorn is used the same way: women will say they've found their Prince Charming, even though everyone knows he's not literally perfect.

I've met exactly one real person who fit the general description of a unicorn. She's a D/s lifestyler and she's a slave to a married couple. She willingly gives them control over her romance and sex life; she's available for them when they want her, otherwise she keeps to herself.

That's pretty much what couples are describing when we call them unicorn hunters, but they don't want to admit they're looking for a slave, not an equal partner. They might even say that her needs would be important too, which is good, because otherwise they'd be shitty Doms, and that's reprehensible.

So maybe you and your partner are Doms, or one of you is, and the other is a sub. I don't know. But I'm guessing that what you really had instead of "unicorns" was just women who happened to date both of you, and maybe there was even some good balance for most of the relationship. And that's fantastic, but it's not unicornism.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
No they wouldn't, that's the whole point. Unicorns do not exist. It's not a "label" because there are no real live people to whom it applies.

If you and your partner have been treating women like unicorns, then shame on you. That's no way to treat anybody.
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Hi,

I'm not sure if you even read my response. I do not think you did, or you wouldn't have just misquoted me and then attempted to school me.
Maybe read more, react quicker less.
 
I do not think you did or you wouldnt have just misquoted me and then attempted to school me.
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You're not the only one I'm trying to educate, so don't take it personally. There is so much misconception about what this whole unicorn hunter thing means, and your post:

we did date a few women who would be called a "unicorn" by the poly community.
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only perpetuated the myth by implying there were real live women who could be considered unicorns. Because there aren't.

I remember telling one of them what it meant
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Let's go back. Why do you say they would be called unicorns? What did you tell your friend that unicorn means?
 
When you say "shame on you" to someone who is just trying to be open in a community, where otherwise I have slim pickings in my town (and by slim I mean I do not want to hang with them), I take it personally.

Me saying we dated women who would be considered a "unicorn" by the poly community, meant MY town, the poly groups that I have run into.

I agree. There are no unicorns. I hate the term.

Which leads me to your next question... When we were starting to date this woman, she did not know anything about what polyamory meant. She knew about us from a bar we all hung out at. She heard some things, and researched it. It came up in conversation, the word "unicorn," and she was confused (as I was when I started looking online!). We explained to her the general knowledge we had from our experience. Which might not be what you see as a unicorn. It really does not matter what I think it means. This is what is wrong with labels!

I am not perpetuating any myth, but I believe in open communication. If any of us see a word and want to debunk it and throw it out, we will, and move onto the next. I find it freeing.
 
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