Checking all the boxes

[Vicki82]

Well.... If it is penis in vagina sex in general that you want, you have other partners.

If it is his erect penis specifically that you want him to use when stimulating your vulva/vagina and you aren't open to face to face sex with fingers, fisting or toys penetrating instead of penis? Or intimacy with other kinds of sex share?

It is your call. He can seek medical attention but if his health limits erections then it is what it is. Limit reached. The price of admission to date him is accepting him as he is.

Only you can decide if "not able to PIV" is a deal breaker or not for you. If it is it seems kinder to end it sooner rather than later.

Galagirl

I really don't know. We do the other stuff and I enjoy it. I have considered having him wear a strap on to at least simulate it for me. It's not that I don't get off with him, and yes, I get PIV from my other partners.

Is it that bad to wait and see if it can be fixed? I mean, maybe Viagra or something would help if he saw a doctor. I'm not a health professional. It seems bad to give up on what could be something fantastic if I wait it out. But yes, you guys are right. I don't want to string him along, either. There's definitely an emotional connection between us.

 

[GalaGirl]

It is not "bad" to wait and see what his health check ups show up.

It is not "bad"to use a strap on either.

Your willingness to wait or use toys is up to you. His willingness is up to him.

What is the worry? What is the something fantastic you are giving up on if you have to wait for him to get health check ups? I am not clear.

GG

 

[Vicki82]

It is not "bad" to wait and see what his health check ups show up.

It is not "bad"to use a strap on either.

Your willingness to wait or use toys is up to you. His willingness is up to him.

What is the worry? What is the something fantastic you are giving up on if you have to wait for him to get health check ups? I am not clear.

GG

I meant if I broke up with him now, and the problem was fixable, that I'd be missing out on something awesome. I don't want to break up with him. I am developing an emotional connection to him even without the PIV.

I just know I'd be happier if we could have some really good, connective sex. I am enjoying our relationship for what it is right now though.

So far it appears he's willing to do whatever he can to fix the issue. In the meantime, we're still dating and seeing each other frequently.

 

[Nadya]

I meant if I broke up with him now, and the problem was fixable, that I'd be missing out on something awesome. I don't want to break up with him. I am developing an emotional connection to him even without the PIV.

I just know I'd be happier if we could have some really good, connective sex. I am enjoying our relationship for what it is right now though.

So far it appears he's willing to do whatever he can to fix the issue. In the meantime, we're still dating and seeing each other frequently.

I have been in similar kind of a situation more than once in my life - erection problems in the beginning of a relationship. The first time it happened, I was surprised, and so was the man; it had never happened to him before. Luckily, for me PIV is not that important, and I was happy waiting. Still, the guy was overly stressed out because of it. Erection just is a big thing for guys, and he absolutely wanted to perform. Eventually the erections started coming back and getting better, and after let's say four months there was no problem any more.

The second time it happened, the man knew it himself, it happens to him every time. He was also already a bit older, so I did not have high expectations ever to be able to have PIV with him. With him it took about eight months to get going properly - and from then on he often surprised me with his performance. Still, this second guy did have stress over it, with me putting absolutely no pressure on him. He did thank me numerous times for being so patient -- well, it was no big deal to me ever.

As Marcus pointed out, this is a momumental problem for you - I can just imagine how stressed this poor guy must be. I have seen how difficult it is for a man even with no pressure from the partner...

All this said, I have to admit that it IS nice to be able to have PIV sex, it is a way to connect in a different level. In my case I took it as a nice bonus and not a necessity, and it was a pleasant surprise when it eventually happened.

 

[Vicki82]

I mean, then what do I do? I don't want to stress him out because I care about him. But yes, it is important to me. I don't know that I could handle never having PIV.

How do I handle this to make it as easy on him as possible in the meantime?

 

[Magdlyn]

I've dealt with this with a few men. If it's an actual physical problem for your new young bf, good he's getting it checked out. Certainly it might be fixable with Viagra or Cialis.

I've been with a couple older men who couldn't get hard. With one it is only an occasional problem, most of the time he's fine.

The other 2 were on meds which prevented erections. Could be blood pressure meds, or an anti depressant.

One young man I dated (26) was so subby.... he just wasn't interested in PiV, and got soft if I tried to blow him. He just wanted to eat me and have me stroke him to get him off, after I was satisfied. We managed to have a fun relationship for 7 months and then we just kind of fizzled.

I really like fucking, so I can relate to your frustration. I hope it gets resolved.

 

[vanquish]

Only you can decide if "not able to PIV" is a deal breaker or not for you. If it is it seems kinder to end it sooner rather than later.

Galagirl

This. Exactly. If it's that important to you (don't worry you're not alone if it is) then only you know how long you're willing to wait for it ... and if the rest of the relationship outweighs that one criteria.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think you might be working yourself up into anxiety mode. Blue is mine.

I mean, then what do I do? I don't want to stress him out because I care about him. But yes, it is important to me. I don't know that I could handle never having PIV (with this partner).

That bold part is about willingness to me.

No, you don't know if you can handle it permanently right now. Because you've not been in a position where you had to try to find out if you COULD handle it long term. Guess what though? You ARE handling it right now in the short therm and you feel these things:

• I don't want to break up with him.
• I am developing an emotional connection to him even without the PIV.
• I am enjoying our relationship for what it is right now though.

So far it appears he's willing to get a health check up.

• So are you willing to risk it and find out if you can or cannot handle it long term after success short term?
• Or are you more willing to just not go there and call it quits now?

That's a very personal question only YOU can answer. You seem to want people to tell you what to do. YOU tell you what to do.

I meant if I broke up with him now, and the problem was fixable, that I'd be missing out on something awesome.

How do you know it wouldn't go like this -- the problem is fixable and you miss out on something horrible because he has some secret nasty habit?

I think you might be jumping to conclusions about the future (that it would have been awesome) and working yourself up in the present because you think you will miss out on fun.

How about not doing that "jump to conclusions" thinking and being PRESENT in your present?

It may very well be fun in future, but get through TODAY first. Esp since thinking about future is cranking you up today. You seem anxious.

Try to RELAX.

How do I handle this to make it as easy on him as possible in the meantime?

If you are fretting at him, stop talking about it and let him get through his check ups fret-free. He seems aware of your concern, so no need to beat him over the head with it.

Vent here on the boards or in a journal. Listening to a partner fret isn't going to make HIS journey any easier. Kvetch OUT not IN. I'm not saying you can't talk to your partner about things that concern you, but giving it a "time out" for a few weeks so he can get through his health care stuff in peace isn't NEVER talking about it. Could give the man a break. Comfort in, kvetch out during this health procedure time.

If you are thinking all the horrible that could happen -- try to stop thinking like that. Catch yourself doing "voice of doom" and pick up on the positives instead of looking for negatives.

EX:

• Yes,we can't have PIV right now. But he's seeking health care so hopefully it will be resolved. It's work in progress right now.
  
• Yes, we can't have PIV right now. But we could use toys, fingers, etc. I can also have PIV with my other partners.
  
• Yes, we can't have PIV right now. And if it turns out permanent health condition -- I might have to make a final decision at some future point in time about staying in this relationship or not. But for the present time we can enjoy each other's company while he's gathering his health answers.

You seem stuck on what you can't do, and are not focusing on what you CAN do. You do not state what you are doing about this either:

He's only 28 years old, so no, I hadn't expected this at all. I've never met a man who didn't get hard from a blow job. It's been hard on me, too. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me even though he assures me that he is. I haven't voiced that one because I know it's my issue.

If him having an erection is how you define you being "desired by him" at this time? That could be playing into it here. How will you know he desires you in a long term permanent no-PIV thing if that's how YOU measure your desirability? Is him telling you verbally enough? Something else? What will you accept so that you can BELIEVE he desires you?

I just know I'd be happier if we could have some really good, connective sex.

Please define what "good connective sex" is for you. You state you enjoy other sex share with him that is not PIV. So to me there seems to be other good connective sex happening.

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[graviton]

I guess what I don't understand is why would you EVER drop someone in a poly relationship because of impotence? Some of you have mentioned that she needs to decide if the risk is worth it to her to decide to hang on and see if the problem gets corrected. What risk? She has absolutely no risk! It's not like this is the only available penis for her...she's poly! Why not stay with him because he's a great guy and has all of these other positive qualities? Go get your PIV somewhere else in the mean time. Its like he's a broken fuck toy that you are considering disposing of instead of a decent human being. I'm sorry about my previous comment about Doms, but this thread has struck a nerve with me as it seems very selfish and inconsiderate towards this poor guy. I see no problem that needs fixing other than the guy getting his health checked and you changing your expectations. You are a young woman who is poly! The WORLD has LOADS of guys with penises that will work for PIV sex with you. Love this guy for who he is and what he does bring to the relationship.

 

[GalaGirl]

I guess what I don't understand is why would you EVER drop someone in a poly relationship because of impotence?

I try to not ask why. People are all different when it comes to sex preferences. She's got her own preferences for sex share and if they are not compatible lovers, they are not compatible lovers. *shrug* Neither of them is "less than" if their sexual preferences/abilities don't happen to line up. People dig what they dig in bed.

All people are valuable and important regardless of what they do/do not do in bed.

Some of you have mentioned that she needs to decide if the risk is worth it to her to decide to hang on and see if the problem gets corrected. What risk?

OP evaluating the emotional risk of OP

• choosing to wait for now and make final decision in FUTURE from a place of more information and from having tried it on for a while -- ( if it is solvable or not solvable, if she can live/love without PIV with this partner.) Price of admission? Waiting patiently without kvetching at her partner so his journey is easier. Endure "feeling yucky" in the waiting time while answers are being sought. Be willing to try it on if not solveable to gain the experience before making the call -- living without PIV from this one partner even though not sure she can handle it long term at this point in time.

• choosing to make a final decision NOW -- break up in order to be free of "feeling yucky" from waiting time, spending more time,effort, energy here, etc. She doesn't have to wait then. The price of admission? Be willing to decide now without health info on solvability, no desire to gain experience in having a non-PIV partner. Endure break up feelings and possible "feeling yucky" from regret later if it turns out it was solvable and he makes her aware of that.

• choosing to do nothing and not resolving herself to WAIT or to LEAVE. Free from having to make an active choice then and becoming resolute, but price of admission? No change. Keep on being anxious/wavering... which feels yucky.

• related side issue (that I see affecting decision making above) -- choosing to stop feeding her anxiety with her overthinking things and cranking herself up. Price of admission -- becoming more aware and "owning it" when OP catches self cranking self up and working to change the thinking behavior.

Each one of those comes with an emotional price tag. Basically OP could pick the "yucky" she wants to go with. I get they might all feel hard, but she could "pick her hard," resolve herself to her choice, and then carry it through.

Right now I see the OP as anxious from (her overthinking) and from (her wavering on deciding.) Which translates to "I don't feel emotionally safe right now" to me.

I suggest going ahead -- risk making a choice so OP can relax some! If not all the way, part of the way and free from the (anxious wavering) bit at least. Taking an "active" decision is better to me than not choosing anything ("passive" deciding) and nail biting along the way.

The problem (to me) is not his penis. It's her ability to tolerate ambiguity, her ability to manage anxiety, and her ability to figure out what to do for herself when all the choices seem "yucky" and she has to pick which is the "least yucky" to her.

That is something only she can do. Nobody can choose for her or grow these skills for her.

You can do it OP -- BREATHE. Take it one thing at a time.

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[SchrodingersCat]

How do you really figure out if a relationship is missing elements that you need and you're settling, or if it's satisfying on its own level given that no one is perfect?

I'm tempted to answer: "If you have to ask, then you already know the answer."

If it feels like something's missing, then it probably is. Sure, no relationship is ever perfect, but that's not a reason to settle when you can actually feel like there's a problem.

 

[Vicki82]

I guess what I don't understand is why would you EVER drop someone in a poly relationship because of impotence? Some of you have mentioned that she needs to decide if the risk is worth it to her to decide to hang on and see if the problem gets corrected. What risk? She has absolutely no risk! It's not like this is the only available penis for her...she's poly! Why not stay with him because he's a great guy and has all of these other positive qualities? Go get your PIV somewhere else in the mean time. Its like he's a broken fuck toy that you are considering disposing of instead of a decent human being. I'm sorry about my previous comment about Doms, but this thread has struck a nerve with me as it seems very selfish and inconsiderate towards this poor guy. I see no problem that needs fixing other than the guy getting his health checked and you changing your expectations. You are a young woman who is poly! The WORLD has LOADS of guys with penises that will work for PIV sex with you. Love this guy for who he is and what he does bring to the relationship.

I'll answer you, if only because I'm really tired of the assumptions you make. What is right in your mind is not right for the rest of the world, necessarily.

I am a married woman with a small child. While love may be infinite, time is not. I have space in my life for ONE "real" extramarital relationship, and the occasional casual fuck buddy that I don't have to worry about if I don't see them for months on end. I cannot devote the level of time and emotional attachment to more than one secondary without it starting to impact the time I have for my family.

Sure, there are lots of guys to fuck. I have quite a few casual fuck buddies that I see occasionally, but usually months do go by between visits because life is busy. But what I am missing here is PIV as a way to continue developing intimacy. We all know that there's sex, and then there's SEX. I'm not looking to get off. I want that lovely eye contact and touching and kissing while we're both experiencing pleasure.

Galagirl, you're right that it's anxiety. I was dropping really hard when I wrote this post and I was stressing out about pretty much everything. I also hate just having to sit and wait, but I accept that he has no control over how quickly he'll get to see a doctor and what will happen from there. So I'll go back to my mantra of one day at a time.

I feel like if I broke up with him and it was fixable, I'd miss out on something awesome because the last month has been awesome. So, I suppose I'm going off that. The D/s energy is fantastic.

I can not mention the issue until he goes to the doctor, certainly. But I guess I don't know how to behave, is my comment. Do I stop trying to suck his cock? I like doing that, it's something I enjoy either way. But does doing that give him insecurity. Do I just not fondle his cock when we're in bed and pretend it doesn't exist? I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to relate to it being a problem.

I'm seeing him tonight, and I can't wait.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better anxiety-wise then for "airing out" some.

But I guess I don't know how to behave, is my comment. Do I stop trying to suck his cock? I like doing that, it's something I enjoy either way. But does doing that give him insecurity? Do I just not fondle his cock when we're in bed and pretend it doesn't exist? I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to relate to it being a problem.

Could ask him if oral or manual stimulus is pleasurable for him and if he wants to receive at this time or not.

Don't overthink it.

HTH!

Galagirl

 

[vanquish]

"While love may be infinite, time is not." Exactly. Well said.

She's not throwing someone away. She's saying that she needs X, Y, Z in her life and she's not getting it. She's working on dealing with things, but you can't blame her for being exasperated at not getting her needs fulfilled.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

J and I have a contract outlining how we want our relationship to go and so far we're both very happy with it.

Right now, it's only the last item that I'm having problems with. We are having sex in other forms, but I'm missing PIV.

Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster.

You have a CONTRACT outlining your intention to have PIV sex, and you don't think that's putting just a wee bit of pressure on him?

I mean, maybe Viagra or something would help if he saw a doctor.

Maybe it would. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to get medical attention over something that's only a problem for other people. If it was so important to him, he would already have a stash of viagra in his bedside table. It's you who's making this a big deal, and that's only making the conflict worse and less likely to get resolved.

I mean, then what do I do? I don't want to stress him out because I care about him. But yes, it is important to me. I don't know that I could handle never having PIV.

How do I handle this to make it as easy on him as possible in the meantime?

If you genuinely are willing to get over it, then just get the fuck over it. Continue the relationship with the understanding and expectation that there will NEVER be PIV. Become comfortable with that notion. Only then will you seem even remotely sincere when you claim you're trying not to make a big deal of it.

But I guess I don't know how to behave, is my comment. Do I stop trying to suck his cock? I like doing that, it's something I enjoy either way. But does doing that give him insecurity. Do I just not fondle his cock when we're in bed and pretend it doesn't exist?

He's the one you need to ask about that. It depends on whether you're doing those things in an attempt to get him hard, or if you're doing them just because you enjoy doing them and you believe they're pleasurable for him even soft. Even if it's because you enjoy them and not to get him hard, then you need to check-in with him and make sure he actually finds them pleasurable, and not awkward or embarrassing. And even then you need to make it crystal clear that you're not trying to get him hard, you just like doing it.

I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to relate to it being a problem.

Ultimately, you really need to stop thinking of it as a "problem." Because that's 99.8% of what makes it a problem. If he was my boyfriend, it would be a complete non-issue. I'm just not that into sex, and actually dating an impotent guy would probably be a relief because I wouldn't feel any pressure myself.

 

[Vicki82]

Nope. That's why I said to read my blog to understand the circumstances. When you clip different portions of posts, it should be clear they don't belong together.

We have a D/s contract governing our relationship. There are rules about sex outside our relationship, among other things.

Who the hell would have a contract about their sex???

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I guess what I don't understand is why would you EVER drop someone in a poly relationship because of impotence? Some of you have mentioned that she needs to decide if the risk is worth it to her to decide to hang on and see if the problem gets corrected. What risk? She has absolutely no risk! It's not like this is the only available penis for her...she's poly!

Not every need is such that it can be fulfilled by just one partner.

I have a need for an intellectual connection with my partners. I couldn't date a moron just because Gralson and Auto both know how to have a good discussion. I don't have some "intellectual stimulation" need independent of my relationships, I have a need that within any relationship there must be intellectual stimulation or else the relationship won't be satisfying.

Similarly, OP uses PIV as a way to bond and connect with her partners. That's perfectly fine, there's nothing wrong with that. It's better to admit that you need something and then checkout because it's not there, rather than trying to convince yourself and others that you can get by without it.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Who the hell would have a contract about their sex???

You'd be surprised. Especially if control over another person's sexual access is part of someone's kink.

 

[Vicki82]

If you genuinely are willing to get over it, then just get the fuck over it. Continue the relationship with the understanding and expectation that there will NEVER be PIV. Become comfortable with that notion. Only then will you seem even remotely sincere when you claim you're trying not to make a big deal of it.

Ultimately, you really need to stop thinking of it as a "problem." Because that's 99.8% of what makes it a problem. If he was my boyfriend, it would be a complete non-issue. I'm just not that into sex, and actually dating an impotent guy would probably be a relief because I wouldn't feel any pressure myself.

If we would never have PIV, I would end the relationship. Or at least continue actively looking in a way that isn't fair to him, so I wouldn't do that.

I'm just optimistic that it can be resolved. And yeah, it is a problem for me. I don't think I have to feel guilty about that. I AM really into sex. I have a sex drive somewhat north of nymphomania, frankly. To me, it's obvious that I really like this guy because I haven't broken up with him yet despite what I see as an important issue. I'm used to going over to a boyfriend's house, doing whatever vanilla stuff we do, some BDSM, and then fucking all night. I see this as me making accommodations, and I'm trying to work with the situation because I'd like the relationship to continue.

Last night he got close to having a full erection, which was pretty awesome. We didn't do anything beyond fooling around but had a lot of fun.

 

[Magdlyn]

Ultimately, you really need to stop thinking of it as a "problem." Because that's 99.8% of what makes it a problem.

I couldn't disagree more. Of course it's a problem in and of itself. If the man thinks he'd like to be hard and fuck someone's brains out, and can't, it's a fucking problem. If the woman wants her brains fucked out, it's a problem. Nothing wrong with foreplay, outercourse, kink, but sometimes ya just wanna fuck.

Who knows why he hasn't fully looked into this issue before. Maybe he never liked someone this much before. Maybe his other Dommes (if any) didn't want to fuck and preferred a soft sub. Some do. Some insist on it.

If he was my boyfriend, it would be a complete non-issue. I'm just not that into sex, and actually dating an impotent guy would probably be a relief because I wouldn't feel any pressure myself.

Maybe his former gfs were like you. But, this one isn't, so it's a problem!