Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 42 12.7%
  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 119 35.8%
  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 50 15.1%
  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 42 12.7%
  • Other

    Votes: 79 23.8%

  • Total voters
    332
Re (from HazelEyes):
"Hmmm ... I suppose I feel that way as a result of feeling guilty that I want something that saddens my husband. So it seems like I need a 'good reason' to insist upon trying a different lifestyle together."

I suppose that by "good reason," you mean a reason that would *feel* good enough to you (when weighed against how the idea of poly seems to affect your husband, and against how it might affect your marriage). I don't suppose I could trick you into answering your own question by asking you, What are some examples of reasons that you would consider to be "good enough?" :)

Can you describe why you feel that polyamory would make you happy? What is it that makes you feel drawn towards polyamory?

Re (from Post #357):
"If all I have is my monogamous marriage, then how would I distinguish whether my vague sense of dissatisfaction is related to monogamy, or to this marriage?"

Indeed, how would you distinguish whether this vague sense of dissatisfaction is related to either? How do you know it's not about changing careers, going back to school, getting more involved in political causes or local charities, or even stamp collecting? How have you narrowed the dissatisfaction down to just two things -- the monogamous marriage or monogamy itself? There's all kinds of other things you could be dissatisfied about, aren't there?

When they say your original relationship should be on sound footing before venturing into polyamory, I think maybe what they're getting at is that polyamory isn't something you're pushed toward by a negative emotion (e.g. dissatisfaction with your current life). Rather, it's something you're pulled towards by a positive emotion (e.g. enthusiasm about a chance to find more love in the world). Are you being pushed away from monogamy by a negative emotion, or pulled toward polyamory by a positive emotion? and it could be both, but the positive emotion is probably where you'll find your "good reason."

You see, I don't think monogamy is necessarily a bad thing. Maybe (at least in some cases) it's a perfectly good thing. It's just that polyamory is also a good thing, and that's the perception that popular tradition is fighting against (sometimes fighting within our own minds).

From reading your posts so far, I get the impression that you need to talk more about this with your husband before you can solidify in your own mind just how important it is to you to live polyamorously -- and why it's that important. You may ask, "Why do we (I and others) want to be polyamorous?" and I have my own answers but first I want to ask, "Why do *you* want to be polyamorous?" It's an important question that only you can answer.
 
My first experiences with polyamory were in early college years as a way to explore my bisexuality. I knew I wasn't gay, so it didn't occur to me not to date men, but I also wanted relations with women. Some threesomes happened, and I found I really liked them. I dropped out of college after sophomore year and moved to NYC in the early '90's. My friends and I were "club kids" who did a lot of ecstasy and had a lot of orgies. I was at the center of a group of friends/lovers we all had relationships with each other in varying degrees of FWB to love. We didn't have a word for it.

I didn't even hear the word "polyamorous" until about a year and a half ago. I met the woman who would catapult me out of my married monogamy. She told me she was polyamorous, I had to Google it, and the rest is his(her)story.
 
Im super new to the idea so my reply might be fun to have in line with all these veterans and mid range members. This is my take on the story, Sydney's may be different.

When I met Sydney she was my 3rd real "girlfriend" we were 17-18. I am older. We went two years like this, and then I broke up with her. We had some differences, got back together a little bit later, and stayed that way. While appart I played with the idea of being with another woman, and when we got together I did not want to no play around with that idea. So, I suggested we date around and date each other. She did not like the idea.

Fast forward a bit later and she learns that she fancys girls some too. So, I caught a friend watching her and encouraged them to spend some time togheter. Now she had a connundrum, and for a while just ignored her girl fancying and we were monogamous.

Then we contonute to grow as a couple and one day we decide to just do it. I mean, it was like a lightning bolt. One day monogamous, the next poly. At this point we were kinda rocky as a relationship, really fighting to be honest with one another, and had added an hour of distance. That made me worry that we were doing this to just not "lose" each other. However, the more we talk about it the more free and at peace we feel by the decision.

As we became honest we both admitted ongoing communication with people we liked romantically, and we realized that the only thing keeping us from being able to love nad be loved freely was our own culture, fear, and ignorance. Now I feel much better. I think the decision helped a lot of aspects of my emotions and character besides just my relationships with women. Finally being honest and living the way we want is very liberating.

Sorry to ramble

Cheers
 
Good Evening Everyone,
I was just curious about how you came across the ideas or concepts with in polyamory? And why/how you chose to make those Ideals your own (or why you choose not to)?
I

I was young and stupid (being 14-15 years old at the time). Two boys liked me at the same time. I was indecisive, so rather than making a choice between the two, I proposed a triad. Really should've been a V, but that idea hadn't occurred to me at the time. Even that may not have kept the polyship together, but in any case, it was a learning experience.

It was a solution to a problem, and I don't think I came up with it fully independently, considering I read SF/F. _The Moon is a Harsh Mistress_ was certainly an influence -- I love the idea of a working line-marriage. Parke Godwin's _The Last Rainbow_ also was a favorite read at the time, and it depicted a polyandrous Picti society (with relationship difficulties, even, much less idealized than Heinlein).

That polyship did not work out, but I'd say it is a rare early relationship of any configuration that does. Ultimately I dated each boy serially monogamously, and each relationship broke up individually, too.
 
I started dating someone who was poly and I valued the relationship enough to try it. Since we were both single, it wasn't much different than dating multiple people at the same time and being cool with the person you're dating doing the same.

Now that there's more of a history and a commitment, I've chosen to stick with things and change my comfort zone regarding monogamy.
 
My wife and I have been married for 9 years and our relationship was getting a little stale. We talked about it an found out that we both felt restricted and wanted the option date and have a serious relationship with other people. We sat down came up with plan and rules, like only having one side relationship at a time and no making children. Then we the chance arose and we met people to our liking we started to date that person.
 
. . . We sat down came up with plan and rules, like only having one side relationship at a time . . .

Unfortunately, for most people in "side" relationships, they are not on the side at all, because any loving relationship is an important part or a central feature of someone's life. It's a shame that these human beings who have needs, desires, and issues of their own are just thought of as something on the side - as if you and your spouse are more important than anyone else.
 
hmm,... being a person who's gender self-awareness changes and with it desire and orientation changes. So, monogamy to just a male partner can not meet the needs... I am still looking and waiting for a woman who could be happy with me. :cool:
 
Unfortunately, for most people in "side" relationships, they are not on the side at all, because any loving relationship is an important part or a central feature of someone's life. It's a shame that these human beings who have needs, desires, and issues of their own are just thought of as something on the side - as if you and your spouse are more important than anyone else.

Cindie,

I'm right there with you on the couple-centric priority here. It can be myopic and self-centered. You've got a lot more history talking about this stuff than I do. That said, if these "side" people know and enthusiastically accept this relationship as ok/healthy/all they want for them, shouldn't that be ok? I can imagine that some people might say "I'm not looking for more than a casual thing and being lesser in priority than your husband is fine for me."

Or am I off base?
 
I would love to be on the side for several people. I've been thinking that I should avoid primary style relationships for a while, until I've figured out some stuff on my own.

First I thought of anything polylike when I was married. I felt that things might work if my husband had another woman and he would just leave me alone. I never suggested anything, because I thought (and still think) he's mono wired.

After divorce I spent time thinking about my ideal relationships and decided that being secondary to several people would be ideal. So I ended up in a primery style theoretically polyamorous relationship :p And now I'm single again and finally working on making my dream come through. So I'm not sure if I'm really gotten into poly yet, or still working on it.

I do remember having very polyamorous thoughts way back before my marriage too. Having several crushes at the same time and not wanting to choose. My monoconditioned solution: ignore all of them :p
 
Because I desire more than one lover.
I believe you can be in love with two people.
If it feels right, and nobody getting hurt, why not?
 
deeper reasons why you are poly??

i'm very curious what makes people poly. i've never had a poly friend and am very interested in relationships and what makes people tick.

does anyone trace being poly back to
experiences from childhood.

family dynamics

fear of never being enough

boredom

witnessing cheating parents

fear of abandonment

having lots of siblings, sharing parental love and liking the chaos of a family

liking the endorphin rush of jealousy

working out jealousy dynamics regarding siblings

needing constant stimulation

needing to be perceived as alternative to avoid vanilla status quo

drama addiction

commitment phobia


wanting total freedom and wanting others to have total freedom

liking to live on the edge

i was always an alternative kid and i get upset with myself when i can't catch on to alternative paths. i struggle to understand because i like to come from a place of openness and understanding and celebrate the miracle we are all so unique.

as an only child, never sharing my parents' love and a firstborn who was doted on as a first grandchild, i wonder if this has prepped me to never tolerate sharing. i would be livid out of my mind jealous if my husband wanted a girlfriend. if he wanted someone other than myself, i would just back out and move on to a new relationship. i'm kind of bummed out i can't be more wild and free.

my daughter is 17 and growing up in a very changing world. i'm trying to help her be open minded and comfortable with differences but also to stay grounded in who she is. her bf cheated on her with a girl who was 4 years older and he had a secret bdsm relationship with this girl which we were witnessing through this girl's tumblr. she was posting pics of her bruises, talking about being strangled and talking about how she was being hogtied, etc. it was kind of intense for my daughter who was like 15 at the time. i know that stuff is more for a bdsm forum, but i'm here and trying to babystep.

her ex had a very unusual family structure and he may be working out issues of his own mother's cheating on his father. it happened a few years ago but continues to cause some pain as the girl he cheated with just had an interview posted in which she talked about her sexcapades with my daughter's ex.

it was upsetting, but the thing we were most hurt by was the lying and that he put her at std/aids risk.

anyway, i have been launched into an almost obsession with personality types and alternative relationships and would really appreciate honest soul searching for the steps that led you on the polyamorous path.

thank you
 
It seems like most your "deeper reasons" are basically "Why are you fucked up and what made your fucked up self choose poly to avoid dealing with being fucked up?"

I don't have any deeper reasons for being poly. I choose to have poly relationships because I can. I'm wired to be capable of it, as in I don't grow automatic blinders for other people whenever I'm in a relationship, and I choose not to limit my options based on societal dictates.

I guess the one that comes closest to that from your list is "wanting total freedom and wanting others to have total freedom." I think everyone should do what they want, provided it doesn't harm anyone.
 
I think that for some people it is simply who they are and as such the roots are untraceable. For others I think it could have links in the past. My partner was raised by an overworked and probably emotionally vacant mother and an older sister who was more nurturing of him. His sister left home to get married when he was five and he felt her loss significantly. There were no other siblings and very few males around. Could this be why he relates so much better to women and why he only feels truly secure when there are two women in his life? I think perhaps it has something to do with it.

Sage
 
i'm very curious what makes people poly. i've never had a poly friend and am very interested in relationships and what makes people tick.
does anyone trace being poly back to
experiences from childhood.

Define "childhood". In my adolescence, I dated two boys together mostly to avoid deciding between the two of them. On the plus side, much was learned. I also read SF/F pretty consistently.

I don't think there's going to be any thing that makes people poly, anymore than outside influences make people gay or bisexual. Events might spark off revelations that poly is an available option, so might be reading material.

Regarding that long ago youthful triad -- one of those boys now identifies as a trans woman, or did when we last communicated. One of those boys now identifies as gay. Neither, as best I can tell, continued on the poly path. I required a poly clause before committing to my marriage, though I hadn't had anything other than mono relationships in the meantime. (And I'm now happy I did, given present circumstances. Keeping my word means a lot to me.)
 
does anyone trace being poly back to
experiences from childhood.

All personality traits are a mixture of genetic layout and life experiences. Some people are possessive while others are encouraging, some are envious while others are supportive, some are introverted while others are extroverted. Some people are happy in polyamory and some are happy in monogamy. It's just one personality type or another.

Most personality traits don't have an exact catalyst, they exist because of the aggregate experiences of a lifetime.

It seems like most your "deeper reasons" are basically "Why are you fucked up and what made your fucked up self choose poly to avoid dealing with being fucked up?"

I wonder how many monogamous people would be pleased to be asked if they became monogamous due to PTSD, as this poster seems to be implying.

Whenever I see "are you polyamorous because you have a fear of commitment" I can't help but laugh and facepalm.
 
i was afraid i would make people defensive that i'm implying poly's are just fuck ups. that's not at all my intention. that's not my belief. i am all for people that know themselves and what they're into and can be honest with others. i know some people can push deeper though, and that's what i'm looking for. polyamory is very unique and i want to understand it more fully.
i'm sure there are infinite reasons for why, i just am interested in people that link a deeper dynamic to why.

i trauma bonded with a skateboard when i was 4. i have some preferences for what i want in life and i can trace many of those preferences back to certain events. not everyone can do that and that's fine.

my husband can't explain to me why he loves horror movies and i get on his case about that. i like horror also but i can explain why. some people can trace their origins for preferences and that's interesting to me. i like to know why i am the way i am.

i find sage's deeper response tender and compelling. her response gave me such a feeling of compassion and understanding. that's what i was hoping for.

i strive to be an understanding person. one of my daughter's friends is transgendered and getting a sex op soon. i have lived in san francisco and olympia, wa during the early 90's when third wave feminism was in full effect. i'm trying to be real here.
 
Whenever I see "are you polyamorous because you have a fear of commitment" I can't help but laugh and facepalm.

OMG no kidding.

Yes. Yes, I'm afraid to commit. That's why I chose to commit to not one, but two people. You know, face your fears?
 
Deeper reasons? None of the suggested seemed to apply to me. Maybe my reason is that I tend to challenge things that are culturally taken for granted, like how to take care and raise a child or gender roles or… relationship styles. I like to learn about other cultures (both past and present) and that gives me a better understanding of all the things we take for granted. (Like when my ex-husbands therapist tried to make me feel guilty for not sleeping in the same bed. She honestly thought that a marriage wouldn't be a marriage if we didn't. But I was a very light sleeper and every tiny sound my ex-husband made kept me awake. Lycky me I knew that having a masters bedroom and sharing a bed with your spouse is just part of our culture, not a genetical requirement for our species.) So… along the same lines, one day I realised that having just one partner is cultural.

Another reason is that when I became mom and lost the rest of my ability to sleep, i really wished there would have been more adult hands in the housholds. I started to think that our cultures monogamous family type is very fucked up and the source of much suffering.

These are the intellectual reasons, the logical ones, the ones that are based on facts and reasoning. The emotional one is that I realized I have often loved many people at the same time, and that there really is nothing wrong with that.
 
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