Why and how did you get into poly?

[LoveBunny]

I'll admit to a certain degree of using my relationship-style to correct a perceived lack of love and physical affection during childhood. I was an only child, my 'rents had me too young, and we lived in isolation with no family and no involvement in the community. It is perhaps not surprising that I grew up with little faith or interest in traditional family, and seek a different kind of tribe for myself.

I am a sponge for love/touch/intimacy, I can never get enough. It's maddening but also beautiful, because my capacity to GIVE all that back seems limitless. I can be more than a little intense in my relationships, and I know I can be a handful for one person. So, yes, my childhood experience has colored how I'm designing my relationships for the second half of my life.

I also admit there's an element of rebellion. Why should I stick to rules I didn't create, that don't feel natural to me, and that only frustrate me? I always knew I was "different," and didn't want the kind of life I saw most people getting bogged down in (meaningless work for material goods, stale marriages, children--because as a women, you're expected to have them.) So, yeah, I'm rebelling against all that too.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

20 years with some degree of "love" and you don't consider it to be an "important" relationship at all?

I have been pondering this question she you posed it to me. First off - what defines an "important relationship"? (To me first off, and then, to others.) And then then the relative significance when you add the "at all" at the end of the question.

My relationship with VV over the years is "important" in the sense that, through our experiences together I have learned a lot about who I am and how I participate in and view relationships/friendships/sexuality. Our undefined relationship is a continuous thread weaving itself in and out of the fabric of "who I am" and how I see myself.

VV herself is "important" to me in that I care about her, wish her all the best in life and am happier knowing that she is happy (i.e. "love" by some definitions). I would go out of my way to please her and know that she would do the same for me - although this has never really come into play - we are both fundamentally happy people and generally don't ask anything of each other as we are satisfied with "how things are". I get excited and filled with joy when I know I will be seeing her but we don't go out of our way to make that happen (if she is traveling West to see family she will sometimes stop in for an evening at the end of her trip, if we are traveling East we invite her along for a portion of our journey).

(PS. This is not terribly different from how I relate to my other close friends that live elsewhere - they are "important" to me in similar ways. If they were not, they would not be my friends.)

On the other hand, if you are using a scale of "amount of time and energy you invest" as a metric of the "importance" of a relationship ... then that is minimal (would that qualify as "at all"?) Our relationship/friendship has always been effortless, without expectation (and hence, without disappointment), and requiring little "maintenance". When we have the opportunity to see each other, we do - and enjoy our time together immensely (with or without sex depending on the circumstances). When we do not see each other - we may think of each other fondly and hope that the other is enjoying life. If it's been a while (6 months or so) and we haven't spoken, then one of us may send a txt or leave a msg ("x/y/z made me think of you today - hope you are happy and life is treating you well"). If one of our mutual friends sees the other, they will send back greetings and any news.

How do others define an "important relationship"?

 

[Marcus]

How do others define an "important relationship"?

Your description above is pretty much spot on how I would choose to quantify a valuable relationship.

I've read what you wrote a couple of times and I don't see anything suggesting that you didn't find the relationship important.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

First off - what defines an "important relationship"? (To me first off, and then, to others.)

I suppose it's not an objectively answerable question. What one person finds important may be completely irrelevant to someone else. But what you explained makes a lot of sense, probably for a lot of people.

On the other hand, if you are using a scale of "amount of time and energy you invest" as a metric of the "importance" of a relationship ...

Quality over Quantity? I'm totally down with that.

How do others define an "important relationship"?

The best I can come up with is this: Have they contributed in any way to my personal growth? The amount of the contribution obviously factors in to the level of importance, but I think any relationship that leaves me better than when I met them had some amount of importance in my life.

So not important "at all" means they have had absolutely zero effect on my personal growth. They were just "there" and if they hadn't been there, I'd be pretty much exactly the same person I am today, short a few memories.

 

[MinaRica]

logic and reasoning

My first run in with the term polyamory was a documentary I saw, about 5 years ago, on Jaiya Ma. I was amazed that she was so comfortable and open about being in a loving relationship with two men.

I was raised in a strict conservative christian religion, and knew from childhood that my duty was to marry young and have lots of kids. I was always commitment phobic, the idea of being eternally monogamous terrified me. It felt like I would be stuck, forever. Religious indoctrination is hard to overcome. I got married young, like I was supposed to. After 11 years of marriage, we both managed to leave the faith of our upbringing. This new found freedom allowed me to question everything, and use rational thinking and critical reason. Polyamory makes sense to me, logically and emotionally.

 

[kdt26417]

Heh, sounds a little like my experience with the Mormon church.

 

[MinaRica]

It was!

Heh, sounds a little like my experience with the Mormon church.

It was the mormon church! Born and bred, broke free in 2012. Crazy, right?

 

[kdt26417]

Haha, crazy is exactly right.

The completion of my exodus was on October 8, 2002. Took me almost a year to convince the powers that be to remove my name from the roles of the church. Yeah I was that serious about it. My younger brother's sentiment (for himself) was, "It's not worth my bother to get my name removed."

Ah, the freedom to question everything, and use rational thinking and critical reason. Makes me wonder how I ever lived without it.

Glad we're both here!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[confusedbigirl]

Why?

I was wondering what everyone's reasons are for wanting I be part of a poly relationship? Why poly instead of monogamy?
I'm also very interested in polyamory, so not judging, just wanted to know others reasons.

 

[PolyinPractice]

I just never felt the need for monogamy, so always played around within the relationship (and sometimes cheated). Then I met a poly man (he was still mostly open at the time) who wholly accepted me for what I am, encouraged me to love and be with others, and supported me in being the best I can be.

I was, at the time, completely unattached.

Now, the thought of giving him up, to settle with someone who is LESS than that? Could not even begin to handle the idea. Why on earth would I ever take less than I have now?

 

[opalescent]

Read as much as you can here, confusedbigirl. You will get lots of reasons why people choose poly.

 

[PolyinPractice]

True, but you do tend to find, I think, a lot of negative/confused experiences (mostly due to the nature of forums). It's nice to consolidate the positive reasons.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I always had open relationships. When I married I thought I had to be mono. I epic failed. As much as I love maca, I love other people too and pretending to be someone I wasn't was destructive for me and everyone around me.

 

[Bluebird]

I chose poly after almost 2 decades of monogamy, and being unsatisfied with the amount of sex I had in my life. Though I did give swinging a try, I am much happier building a love relationship that includes sex. Now I am in a polyfi vee and it is working wonderfully, for the most part.

 

[KC43]

I knew as early as junior high that "one person for the rest of your life" didn't make any sense at all to me. I read novels that included love triangles and always wondered why the author (or characters) didn't seem to think letting the girl have *both* guys was an option.

But having more than one partner didn't seem to be acceptable, so I forced myself into the monogamy mold. During my first marriage, many of my then-husband's family members cheated on their partners or left their partners for someone else. No one seemed to think this was a problem. But the idea of someone having two girlfriends or two boyfriends was completely disgusting to them. Whereas to me, it was a solution to the cheating/leaving...

I met Hubby on adultfriendfinder. Within a month, we agreed to see each other exclusively. He expressed that he was completely unwilling to consider any type of non-monogamous relationship, and I accepted that because monogamy seemed to be "how it's supposed to be." Even though I knew a number of couples on AFF who were in non-monogamous situations.

Last year, Hubby reversed his decision. He saw opening the marriage as a solution to a sexual disparity that had developed between us. At first, it was supposed to only be about sex, no friendship at all, let alone stronger feelings. Then it was amended to allow for friends with benefits, but nothing more intense than that.

When I realized I was developing feelings for Guy, I initially called a halt to us seeing each other so I wouldn't violate the agreements Hubby and I had made. Hubby caught on before I was willing to admit it, though. Looking back, I now realize some of his actions and statements during that time, and after Guy and I started seeing each other again but before I admitted my feelings, were Hubby's way of saying he knew what was going on and was okay with it. At the time, I didn't know, and I kept fighting myself to keep things with Guy where they were "supposed to" be.

In September, when I was finally ready to admit to myself, Hubby, and Guy how I felt, Hubby was already prepared. And he immediately told me he thought me having both men in my life was a good thing. A positive, healthy thing, in part because emotional support, and in part because Hubby had watched me struggle with trying *not* to have feelings for Guy, and wanted me to feel that I was allowed to be myself and not keep trying to fit a mold that just didn't work for me.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from OP):

"Why poly instead of monogamy?"

Bee-cuuuuz, I fell in love with a married woman (and I was already married myself). We wanted to find a solution to our dilemma that didn't involve divorce, cheating, or breaking up. The woman I'd fell in love with did some web research in hopes of discovering that solution. That's how we found out about poly.

Of course, everyone (all four connected adults) had to be willing and ready to think outside the box where relationships were concerned, for that to work. I had already "turned into a rebel" so I was ready. Less than a year later, everyone was okay with a poly unit being formed.

That's a really short version of my story and you can read my blog here if you'd like to know more. And I'll always try to answer questions, wherever I find them. But that, in a nutshell, is the story of why I went for poly.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

Here is the link to a previous discussion on the topic.

My answer from that thread:

I arrived at polyamory because of my worldview shifting toward a stance of absolute independence. I rejected the concept of monogamy as a traditionalist social trapping which had ceased to apply to me. I decided that free sexual expression (or lack of expression) was preferable and that slut shaming and sex negativity were not for me. I learned that applying a scarcity model to emotional love was broken, and that there were no limits to emotional intimacy but merely logistical constraints like time and energy.

With all of these ideals in play I pretty much defaulted to polyamory. I was with my monogamous wife at the time I came to this discovery. I didn't have any other lovers on the line and wasn't looking for any - it was a philosophical distinction, not a desire to have multiple romantic partners. Granted, the ability to have multiple romantic partners greatly appeals to me, but I am a person who requires a great deal of alone time and thus do not put much effort into building very many of these kinds of relationships. Add to that, these days I'm not interested in any relationships which are not basically effortless - and most people are dramatic, needy, controlling, disaster pieces... so there's that hindrance

 

[HelloSweety]

Because I have always had the capacity to love more than one person at a time, and my husband both knows me and knows that I am transparently honest and always have been. My Husband is fine with it because he knows I still love him (hell I think I might love him even more for being ok with this lol!) I love both my husband and my boyfriend. And while there are many days that I wonder how in the world I got so lucky to find not one but two men who both love and respect me (And put up with my crazy ass!) I'm just too happy to want to dissect that! Honestly the hardest part about maintaining my relationships other than being extremely flexible with time management has been without a doubt the inability to talk to most friends and loved ones about everything that is "really" going on in my life! In many ways I wish that society as a whole was ok with the kind of relationship I'm in. I think it would be a bit easier if I could be open about it, but I can't and that does make me a bit sad. But that's why I'm here so that at least in a few places I can be open and honest with other people.

 

[RichardInTN]

I'm not currently in any sort of Poly situation currently... but... I came to the belief in Poly a long time ago.

We can love more than one sibling, we can love more than one parent, we can love more than one relative, we can love more than one child. Love doesn't stop because it also exists for another. To think that it does just doesn't make any sense to me.

If we can "spread" our love around in all those other situations without it diminishing for any single person... why do people think that "significant other" (spouse/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever) love is incapable of the same ability to expand and grow?


I'm not sure who first said this sentiment (I've seen numerous variations attributed to many different people), but it's something that I firmly believe in: Love is the only thing you get more of by giving it away

 

[Sigyn]

I'm new to it, myself. I opened to the possibility because my late husband did not meet all of my needs. He was unable to accept the concept of an open relationship, and I ended up cheating on him a couple of times, and felt bad that I couldn't be honest with him about needing a single evening with someone else, even though I loved him.

My current husband and I came to the conclusion that an open relationship with casual (but safe) sex with others was something we were both open for -- after we'd been together for two years, and married for almost one of them. I guess some would call it "swinging," but that implies a more active participation than I like. We were just open, not searching. When something fun came along, we were open.

Then my husband fell in love -- something he hadn't expected to have happen. He hadn't even slept with her, but he was smitten. So if she's accepting, we're now open for a long term committed relationship with someone we both approve of, which means we've officially gone from: Vaguely questioned monogamy; open monogamy with casual partners; admittedly polyamourous, presuming someone compatible whom we both love (in some way, platonic or romantically) comes along. But we are happy and committed to each other, no matter what happens with anyone else.