Not Sure if I Want to Scream or Cry

[LovelyLady]

I wish I were happy. I wish I could find compersion. I wish I weren't struggling. As soon as I have an up day, two down days follow.

I should probably start off this post by saying I'm currently sleep deprived, so forgive me if some things don't make sense.

I've gotten such great advice from the wonderful people on this board. I'm at such a loss as to what to do, so I thought putting it down here might help. We are not out, so I have no one to discuss this with outside of the relationship.

Polyamory is not new in my life. My hubby had a girlfriend for 8 years. I had my random bouts of jealousy, but for the most part, things were great. She is married, and has several other commitments, so the "intrusion" in my life was minimal. I liked her; we had a lot in common; I considered her a friend. But my hubby and I relocated about three hours away for my career, and unfortunately, their relationship ended.

Fast forward to today. My hubby has a new GF. She is 25. He is 42. She is mono, like me, and has lots of available free time. I don't really seem to have a lot in common with her.

We've had a few meetings, just the two of us, so I could try to develop a friendship with her, but I've just come away feeling more frustrated. I've really been trying the "fake it 'til you make it" approach, as well as purposefully putting myself in situations where I experience jealousy, as many on these boards have said it gets easier the more you experience it. But when is that going to happen? It seems like I constantly feel like my heart is being ripped from my body. I see her as an intrusion to my life and my family. I'm still faking it on the outside, but on the inside I feel like screaming or crying.

Let me give you an example of one of my struggles. With the ex, my hubby spent an occasional overnight here or there with her. Maybe once a month, if that. With the new GF, I am sleeping alone in our bed 1 to 2 times a week while he sleeps with GF in our spare room. I do not like this. I have tried hard to be very supportive. I have never put any limits on the time he can spend with her, or anyone, for that matter. He always asks me if it is okay if she comes over, if they go out, etc. I never say no, even though my heart wants to say no every time. My brain tells me to say yes, as I don't own him, and he is free to do with his time as he sees fit.

I don't like sleeping in my bed alone. I want him there next to me. I want him to want to be there next to me.

I also have a tendency to try to be selfless, even when my heart's not in it. She mentioned that she wanted him to take her on a "fancy" date, so I told him I would help him plan it. They are going to DC next weekend for a day together, and I made all of his travel arrangements. If we are ever all together, I find things to do for an hour, so they can go have sex. I've given her advice. I am always the one to reach out to her. He tells me about their struggles and their sexcapades. I would be even more miserable in a DADT situation, as my imagination would run wild.

My hubby tries to be very reassuring. I know he loves me. I know he does not want to leave me, replace me or that he prefers to be with someone else. We do talk a bit about some of this stuff, but what I don't want is for him to see that I am miserable and feel guilty. I try to be as unemotional as possible when we talk about these things.

He knows I am struggling but I don't think he understands the full extent of it. Recently he has started saying things like "Please don't dump me," etc.

Leaving him is not an option for me. I love him. We have a beautiful daughter. I love our family. I just need to find a way to accept the new situation, but how? Inside, I just wish she'd go away. Honestly, they are so different from a religious, political and general view of life perspective, that I have a gut feeling that if I just let it play out, the situation will deal with itself.

I've read about Poly Hell. Is that where I am? If so, how do I get to Poly Heaven?

 

[london]

Take a step back. Don't be so heavily involved in their relationship. Yes, ask for general updates, but I personally think graphic blow-by-blow accounts of their sex life is only healthy if it's consensual and for sexual gratification.

I'd suggest they stay elsewhere, but since the issue is that you want your husband in bed with you, that wouldn't solve your problem, so I don't see the point in changing that.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong, but here's the behaviors I see:

RELATIONSHIP TO YOURSELF

I'm currently sleep deprived.

Get more sleep!

I have really been trying the "fake it 'til you make it" approach.

That doesn't seem to be working for you, so you could stop that approach.

I have been purposefully putting myself in situations where I experience jealousy.

That doesn't seem to be working for you, so you could stop that approach, too. Try to lessen your exposure instead of increase it.

My brain tells me to say yes, as I don't own him, and he is free to do with his time as he sees fit. I don't like sleeping in my bed alone. I want him to want to be there next to me.

He's not a mind reader. Yes, he can tell you "No" if you are upfront. But that doesn't excuse you from not being upfront in the first place about what's going on with you. Be more upfront so you can be ok in yourself, rather than ignoring your own wants/needs. Are you not able to deal with disappointment if he declines?

I also have a tendency to try to be selfless even when my heart's not in it.

If you recognize this about yourself, you can do something about it. There is more than one setting. There is not being selfless (meet other people's needs, forget mine) and selfish (only my needs, forget other people) only. The balanced middle place I call self-full, where you meet your own needs and the needs of others in a balanced way. I see you shelving your needs a lot. They go unarticulated.

RELATIONSHIP TO DH/HER

She mentioned that she wanted him to take her on a "fancy" date, so I told him I would help him plan it. They are going to DC next weekend for a day together and I made all of his travel arrangements.

They can't plan their own date? You are doing way too much here. Do less, so you can reduce your stress. Let them own their relationship and its tending/care.

Recently he has started saying things like "please don't dump me," etc.

Why? Is he behaving in a way he knows is objectionable? Is this is his way of asking you to go along with it?

they are so different from a religious, political and general view of life perspective, I have a gut feeling that if I just let it play out, the situation will deal with itself.

Maybe, maybe not. Even if it does, at what cost to your health and well-being? You seem very passive, and are finding it isn't exactly serving you well.

He always asks me if it is okay if she comes over, if they go out, etc. I never say no, even though my heart wants to say no every time.

So be more honest and say "No" sometimes. If she's over a lot, and you are not getting enough time with him, say so, and ask for time with him without her underfoot. Your relationship with him also needs time and care, even if he's in NRE lala's.

We do talk a bit about some of this stuff, but what I don't want is for him to see that I am miserable, and feel guilty.

How about being emotionally honest with him, propose solutions to try, or ask him for help with finding solutions? Let him feel whatever he feels, instead of trying to manage his feelings for him, or avoid feeling? Do you feel guilty when you are emotionally honest with people, or when you make your own needs known? How are people supposed to find out what's going on with you if you do not disclose it?

I try to be as unemotional as possible when we talk about these things. He knows I am struggling, but I don't think he understands the full extent of it.

And this behavior aids you in being happy and being free of "wanting to scream" how?

I've read about Poly Hell. Is that where I am? If so, how do I get to Poly Heaven?

Well, I don't think you are going to get there when you are less than honest, shelve your own needs, and overdo it on the selflessness front. Find a better balance. Meet your needs and his-- both.

You could start with changes in your own behavior and become more willing to be honest and articulate how you are feeling. Nobody is a mind reader. He can't begin to help meet your needs if he is clueless as to what they might be, or if you outright say untruths like it's "okay" for her to come over if you are actually feeling "full" of her being around and want a break from her being underfoot. It's your home too.

Hang in there,
Galagirl

 

[PolyinPractice]

I've never known a successful mono/poly relationship (one partner is mono, the other is poly) where the setup didn't arise because 1) Circumstances prevented both from being around each other for long periods of time, or 2) One partner had significantly more relationship needs than the other, and their partner was comfortable with them meeting those needs with other people.

For example, my partner and I are apart for 1-3 weeks at a time. We both wish to see other people during that time, especially me, as I require much less "me-time" than he does.

You seem to fit neither of those. You sound as if you feel you'd be happier if he were mono with you (while many mono partners in such a situation would feel less happy if their poly partner turned mono). So all I can suggest is that you start to really develop your relationship with yourself (as I doubt another partner is what you want). You could spend time indulging yourself, take up some hobbies, go to the spa.

It's especially important to do this on your time, not schedule around his. In other words, take up a class that meets every Tuesday, because you want to learn to paint. Don't just find out when he's going on dates, and try to fill in that time. That may mean that sometimes you end up going out alone, and he's alone at home. You might feel bad, thinking, "I'm missing out on even more time that could be spent with him." That's okay. The whole point is to start living your own independent life, alongside his. So, no matter what he is doing, whether it's with her, you, or others, you are always satisfied in your life.

Oh, and don't be petty and play games with this, like, "Oh, I'm going to deliberately go off and leave you alone the way you leave me alone." I'm not saying you would, Just don't fall prey to that. It'll set up a very miserable co-existence if you do.

 

[IndieSolo]

There are one or two email support groups for the monos in mono/poly relationships on Yahoo. If you do an advanced search here for posts by the member named Sage, you might find the links. Many monos can make it work quite well to be in relationship with polyfolk, so don't give in to negativity about your situation.

It sounds like you're pretty self-aware and quite giving. The sleeping alone twice a week thing might just be uncomfortable for a while, and something you just need to get used to. When I was married and mono, I loved those times I was able to stretch out in my bed alone. This may sound trite, but one of those big, long body pillows might help. However, I have the sense that it's not only sleeping alone that bothers you - it's that you're alone and he's not.

Ultimately, you need to find ways to be satisfied in a relationship where you are not your love's only one. Only you know what needs you must have hubby meet, and what needs you can meet yourself. However, I would caution you not to keep on saying yes to things just to acquiesce and please him at your own expense, when you really mean no. Now, I am a solo poly and feel strongly that married partners should not be seeking or granting permission from each other regarding how to conduct other relationships - but you shouldn't be torturing yourself and silently screaming just so you can endure something your husband wants. If he needs to be more considerate of concerns you have, you should be able to tell him. There are good reasons for the guideline in poly to go at the pace of the partner who struggles the most.

 

[sparklepop]

All good advice here so far.

Clearly your husband does love you and doesn't want to leave. Clearly you are miserable and don't want to leave.

This is going to be long. (Sorry, everyone.)

There is a difference between over-communicating your struggles, and completely burying them. I have personally tried both of these things and neither work. The former only serves to fry your partner's brain, and the latter only serves to breed loneliness and resentment.

You have to find a balance.

Boundaries

Expressing your boundaries is not the same as being controlling.

Think of it this way: if you were weightlifting (as you do...) and your training partner kept piling on the kilos until your knees buckled, wouldn't you say, "Woah, hang on, I can't take this much"? That's expressing a boundary. That's using "I statements." That's sharing information.

For example:
"You cannot bring her to the house." - controlling
"I really can't cope with her being in the house overnight." - boundary

"You can only have overnights once a month." - controlling
"I'm having difficulty adjusting. You used to have overnights once a month, now they are twice a week. I miss you and I feel stressed." - boundary

"You can't see her more than twice a week." - controlling
"I feel like I have a part-time husband. I'm lonely. I don't know what to do. I want to find a way to accept this." - boundary

Sometimes, your boundaries and hubby's/metamour's wishes won't match up. You still have to get them out there, at least for clarity, if not for compromise. As an example, I've recently started dating Descartes. It's very early days, and my GF is not yet comfortable with her staying over in my empty apartment. However, she is reasonably ok with me staying at Descartes, since she doesn't live alone and I'd be on the couch. For my GF, this is less stressful. She isn't saying "Descarte is forbidden. She's stating her level of comfort. I am free to decide whether to take that into account or ignore it.

Your husband would be free to ignore your comfort and keep inviting his gf over, but if you never state your discomfort, you'll never give him the chance to choose to help you with it.

When will I feel better?
Instead of being focused on the finish line (feeling better), focus on the starting point. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Allow yourself to grieve the stability you became accustomed to and accept this new situation. Allow yourself to communicate your boundaries during weekly check-ins with hubby. Importantly, feeling better is going to come from inside yourself. As others have suggested, start filling your life with things that you want to do. Volunteer somewhere, take a language class, look for platonic friends on OKCupid (many do!). Hell, even pick up a 4-hour-a-week job and put all of your earnings into a vacation fund! Expand your horizons.

Over-involvement
I'd remove myself from the fray a little bit. There is no need for you to be involved in their travel arrangements. There is no need to reach out to her. There is no need to hear about their sexcapades. Giving them alone time if you're together is thoughtful. However, if it makes you uncomfortable, stop having her over while you're there. You don't have to switch from total disclosure to DADT. Find a happy balance. You can always scale it right back and tweak it as you feel beneficial.

Acceptance
Instead of wishing she'd go away, turn your focus inwards. She isn't the problem, I promise you. Acceptance comes from within you. Boundaries come from within you. Your marriage is as happy as you and your husband make it. Grieve the loss of your old, stable situation. Only once you have let go of it can you even accept the new situation.

"Fake it 'til you make it"
This hasn't worked for me. It keeps my GF happy, but I remain miserable. The only thing that has ever stopped jealousy for me (and still stops it now), is to change my way of thinking. Work from the inside out. Being poly doesn't have to mean being comfortable with seeing and hearing everything. Not from my perspective, at least. I have no problem seeing GF make out with Hubby, but I don't want to see my GF make out with Garcon, so I don't put myself in that situation. Simple!

Intrusion
In some ways, a new person is an intrusion - they 'take' away time. They 'force' you to deal with unpleasant emotions merely by their presence. In some cases, it really just can be bloody intrusive (texting all the time, lack of presence, arguments between them spilling over into your life, etc.)-- plain fact!

However, look at it a different way. A child is intrusive, right? Your youngest is 5 years old. Ours is 5 too. Oh, what a charming age. I can't count how many times we've been dying to watch Game of Thrones or some other bloodthirsty delight unsuitable for preschoolers, and The Tot has refused to go to bed. Or, we've been trying to have a serious discussion and The Tot has thrown a tantrum that requires us to give her attention. Or, we've been getting x-rated early in the morning and The Tot chooses that morning of all mornings to wake up at 6am and bound into my bedroom without knocking.

Therefore, when I struggle with the "intrusion" of another partner, I think to my little girl. When The Tot is hurt, I have no problem stopping what I'm doing. When The Tot needs a cuddle, I have no problem stopping what I'm doing. (er... note to self: stop indulging the kid). When my metamour is hurt, or needs a chat, or needs a cuddle, or needs whatever else (needs to simply exist and be in a relationship), I shouldn't think of them as an intrusion, because they are part of the package that comes with being with my GF.

So, in your case, part of the package of being with your husband is your child(ren). Part of the package is also having metamours. Find peace by looking for the child inside your metamour. That shouldn't be hard, since she's 25.

Incidentally, while we're on the topic. I noticed that you mentioned the age gap between you and her a few times, and alluded to something about knitting needles. Remember: women in their forties have it all. You have all the sex-appeal of a woman in her 20s, but with the confidence and experience that comes with the extra years of sexual experience. Women in their 40s are wise and know what they want. Women in their 40s are HOT. Knitting is HOT. Rawr.

So, own it! Your body is telling you that something doesn't feel good? Stop putting yourself through it. You don't want to own your husband? No need to. Just own yourself. Own your boundaries. Put them out there for discussion. I bet hubby would be willing to listen and offer solutions. No 25-year old is going to change your marriage or make you unhappy. You and your husband change your marriage and control your happiness.

 

[Magdlyn]

I wish I were happy. I wish I could find compersion. I wish I weren't struggling. As soon as I have an up day, two more down days follow.

... sleep deprived...

Me too! And I am not dealing with nearly as much of a change as you! My bf Ginger has been seeing a new woman for about three months now, and every time I think I am getting more comfortable with it, something else happens to plunge me into despair again.

I have set up a semi-DADT thing; I don't want to know any details about what they do, in and out of bed. The broadest generalities is all I can handle.

But then, they have another date, and the next time I see him, he's got a huge friggin' hickey and I get triggered all over again. So, to avoid seeing the huge hickey on his chest, I turn off the lights and close my eyes while we make love. Yay.

And so it goes, on and on.

It's all very well for posters here to say, allow yourself to grieve the loss of the the former relationship dynamic. The thing is, for me, it's taking forever for me to stop grieving! I've been with him 2 1/2 years, and he's been dating others for a year, and I am not really anywhere near done grieving. Forget compersion! I can't even find acceptance. I just feel more and more distant from him, like I am falling out of love with him.

 

[LovelyLady]

Take a step back. Don't be so heavily involved in their relationship. Yes, ask for general updates, but I personally think graphic blow-by-blow accounts of their sex life is only healthy if it's consensual and for sexual gratification.

I'd suggest they stay elsewhere, but since the issue is that you want your husband in bed with you, that wouldn't solve your problem, so I don't see the point in changing that.

Thanks, London. It is consensual and for sexual gratification. I am a bit of a voyeur and love to hear and see others having sex. My man is all too happy to share the details.

The GF is moving into a new place and I fully expect that the overnights will be moving to her place, although neither of them have indicated this. I would much prefer him at home, even if it isn't in our bed. We'll see how this works out. Maybe it will be better.

 

[Dagferi]

I've never known a successful mono/poly relationship (one partner is mono, the other is poly) where the setup didn't arise because 1) Circumstances prevented both from being around each other for long periods of time or 2) One partner had significantly more relationship needs than the other, and their partner was comfortable with them meeting those needs with other people.

I have been with Murf for two years. He is mono and it works just fine. It helps that Butch is easygoing and flexible, and Murf is Mr Independent and doesn't mind that I am not there all the time. We find a way, despite the crappy work schedules both men have. If someone is having an issue their needs, they come first, and the other is understanding.

So yes, mono/poly can work.

 

[LovelyLady]

Thanks so much for your awesome assessment, GalaGirl. I really appreciate your input.

Here are the behaviors I see:

RELATIONSHIP TO YOURSELF

He's not a mind reader. He can tell you "No" if you are upfront. But that doesn't excuse you from not being upfront in the first place about what's going on with you. Be more upfront so you can be ok in yourself, rather than ignoring your own wants/needs. Are you not able to deal with disappointment if he declines?

It's not the disappointment that I can't deal with. I don't want to be needy. I want to be the super supportive, understanding and awesome partner that totally gets him. I hope to get there some day.

If you recognize this about yourself, you can do something about it. There is more than one setting. It is not selfless (meet other people needs, forget mine) and selfish (only my needs, forget other people) only. The balanced middle place, I call self-full, where you meet your own needs and the needs of others in a balanced way. I see you shelving yours a lot.

You're right. I need to work on this. I think it goes back again to not wanting to be needy. In addition, I think I have convinced myself that I should be happy with whatever he gives. I can see that this could fester and turn into a big problem. Thanks for pointing it out.

RELATIONSHIP TO DH/HER

They can't plan their own date? You are doing way too much here. Do less, so you can reduce your stress. Let them own their relationship and its tending/care.

It's a control thing on my part. I am in the travel industry, so I see it as part of the value I bring to the relationship. I need to let go.

Why? Is he behaving in a way he knows is objectionable, and this is his way of asking you to go along with it?

No, not at all. I think he is concerned that I will become so unhappy with the situation that I will leave him. I think he's looking for reassurance that I am not considering that.

So be more honest, and say "No" sometimes. If she's over a lot, and you are not getting enough time with him, say so, and ask for time with him without her underfoot. Your relationship with him also needs time and care, even if he's in NRE lala's.

I am going to really need to work on this. I made an attempt tonight. When the subject of his plans for the evening came up, my response was, "I wouldn't be disappointed if she didn't come over." Obviously this wasn't direct enough and I recognize that.

How about being emotionally honest with him, propose solutions to try, or ask for help with finding solutions? Let him feel whatever he feels, instead of trying to manage his feelings for him, or avoid feeling? Do you feel guilty when you are emotionally honest with people, or when you make your own needs known? How are people supposed to find out what's going on with you if you do not disclose it?

This behavior aids you in being happy and being free of "wanting to scream" how?

I think it's an attempt to maintain peace. Is it working? No. Based on our very brief conversation about his plans for the evening, he now states that I have guilted him into changing his plans.

Well, I don't think you are going to get there when you are less than honest, and shelve your needs, and overdo it on the "selfless" front. Find a better balance and meet your needs and his, both.

You could start with changes in your own behavior and become more willing to be honest and articulate how you are feeling. Nobody is a mind reader. He can't begin to help meet your needs if he is clueless as to what they might be, or if you outright say untruths like it's ok for her to come over, if you are actually feeling "full" of her being around, and want a break from her being underfoot. It's your home too.

Thank you so much. I am really going to think about what you've said.

 

[LovelyLady]

youI've never known a successful mono/poly relationship (one partner is mono, the other is poly) where the setup didn't arise because 1) Circumstances prevented both from being around each other for long periods of time or 2) One partner had significantly more relationship needs than the other, and their partner was comfortable with them meeting those needs with other people.

For example, my partner and I are apart for 1-3 weeks at a time. We both wish to see other people during that time, especially me, as I require much less "me-time" than he does.

You seem to fit neither of those. You sound as if you feel you'd be happier if he were mono with you. (Many mono partners in such a situation would feel LESS happy if their poly partner turned mono.) So all I can suggest is that you start to really develop your relationship with yourself (as I doubt another partner is what you want). Spend time indulging yourself, take up hobbies, go to the spa.

It's especially important to do this on your time, not schedule around his. In other words, take up a class that meets every Tuesday, because you want to learn to paint. Don't just find out when he's going on dates, and try to fill in that time. That may mean that sometimes you end up going out alone and he's alone at home. You might feel bad, thinking, I'm missing out on even more time that could be spent with him. That's okay. The whole point is to start living your own, independent life, alongside his. So, no matter what he is doing, whether it's with her or you, you are always satisfied in your life.

Oh, and don't be petty and play games with this, like, "Oh, I'm going to deliberately go off and leave you alone the way leave me alone." I'm not saying you would, just don't fall prey to that. It'll set up for a very miserable co-existence if you do.

This definitely rings true. I would prefer if he were mono, but he's not and I don't want to change him. Since moving here a little over a year ago, I don't really have anything outside of my family and my career to occupy my time. I definitely need to find activities, friends, etc. I am definitely an introvert in my personal life, but not so much in my work life. I am going to look up some adult enrichment classes in our town this weekend! Thanks, PinP.

There are one or two email support groups for the monos in mono/poly relationships on Yahoo. If you do an advanced search here for posts by the member named Sage, you might find the links. Many monos can make it work quite well to be in relationship with polyfolk, so don't give in to negativity about your situation.

It sounds like you're pretty self-aware and quite giving. The sleeping alone twice a week thing might just be uncomfortable for a while, and something you just need to get used to. When I was married and mono, I loved those times I was able to stretch out in my bed alone. This may sound trite, but one of those big, long body pillows might help. However, I have the sense that it's not only sleeping alone that bothers you - it's that you're alone and he's not.

Ultimately, you need to find ways to be satisfied in a relationship where you are not your love's only one. Only you know what needs you must have hubby meet, and what needs you can meet yourself. However, I would caution you not to keep on saying yes to things just to acquiesce and please him at your own expense, when you really mean no. Now, I am a solo poly and feel strongly that married partners should not be seeking or granting permission from each other regarding how to conduct other relationships - but you shouldn't be torturing yourself and silently screaming just so you can endure something your husband wants. If he needs to be more considerate of concerns you have, you should be able to tell him. There are good reasons for the guideline in poly to go at the pace of the partner who struggles the most.

Thanks for the suggestion, NYCindie. I will definitely try to find those groups on Yahoo. It honestly is not the fact that I'm alone and he's not. He would certainly be supportive if I wanted to consider another partner, but I have absolutely no desire. (Sometimes I wish I did). I just don't like being alone for safety reasons, especially at night. The sense of peace and security of having him next to me helps me sleep at night. Hence why I only got two hours of sleep last night. I would like him to be more considerate, but I haven't truly given him a chance, since I have been holding back.

Me too! I am not dealing with nearly as much of a change as you. My bf Ginger has been seeing a new woman for about three months now, and every time I think I am getting more comfortable with it, something else happens to plunge me into despair again.

I have set up a semi-DADT thing, I don't want to know any details about what they do, in and out of bed. The broadest generalities is all I can handle.

But then, they have another date, and the next time I see him, he's got a huge friggin' hickey and I get triggered all over again. So, to avoid seeing the huge hickey on his chest, I turn off the lights and close my eyes while we make love. Yay.

And so it goes, on and on.

It's all very well for posters here to say, allow yourself to grieve the loss of the the former relationship dynamic. The thing is, for me, it's taking forever for me to stop grieving! I've been with him 2 1/2 years, and he's been dating others for a year, and I am not really anywhere near done grieving. Forget compersion! I can't even find acceptance. I just feel more and more distant from him, like I am falling out of love with him.

OMG, Magdlyn, the hickey thing is something I can totally relate to, except my love's was on his neck, not hidden on his chest. I did ask him very bluntly to have her find more inconspicuous places to leave her love marks. I did not think it was fair that we be at a school function or a work event and have people assume that I left the marks. I am a freakin' adult, not a 16-year old lovestruck girl.

I totally get the grieving thing, too. I truly can't grieve, because I still have hope. It's not like when someone dies and you know they are gone forever. The current situation is likely not to be "forever," and there is a good chance some of our old habits will return. We've been together 10 years. Old habits die hard for most.

I hope you find a way to find joy again in your relationship. I can understand your concern about falling out of love. I know for me I put up walls when I feel like I need to protect my heart, and then, after the storm has passed, it still takes me a while to reconnect to him.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helped some.

It's not the disappointment that I can't deal with. I don't want to be needy. I want to be the super supportive, understanding and awesome partner that totally gets him. I hope to get there some day.

You can't be a supportive partner and have some needs of your own? Merely having some needs does not make you a "cling-on needy person."

He too can have the opportunity to be the same understanding partner for you, right? This isn't the "all-about-him-only" show.

It's a control thing on my part. I am in the travel industry, so I see it as part of the value I bring to the relationship. I need to let go.

It's fine you work in the industry and can get deals and things... but until you are asked to help, don't. Or offer, and wait for the response. Don't just leap into taking action. Otherwise you are basically overstepping/assuming.

No, not at all. I think he is concerned that I will become so unhappy with the situation that I will leave him. I think he's looking for reassurance that I am not considering that.

Thinking is not knowing. Could you clarify with him so you know for sure?

It sounds like clearer communication is something you both could work on. Neither of you are blind. He sees something, otherwise why the need to be reassured? It's like neither of you want to have that conversation to sort anything out. Are you both "avoid" style for conflict resolution? Conflict doesn't have to mean war. Sometimes it's just sorting calendars and things out in a household.

I am going to really need to work on this. I made an attempt tonight. When the subject of his plans for the evening came up, my response was, "I wouldn't be disappointed if she didn't come over." Obviously this wasn't direct enough. I recognize that.

It was better than saying "okay" though, when you don't really mean it. And you do recognize it could be improved. Be okay being a work in progress. Good for you.

I think it's an attempt to maintain peace. Is it working? No. Based on our very brief conversation on his plans for the evening, he now states that I have guilted him into changing his plans.

Are you expected to keep the peace in the relationship, while he's not expected to contribute to keeping the peace also?

You sound like you have expressed your preference. There is nothing "guilting" in the sentence, "I wouldn't be disappointed if she didn't come over." It could be more direct in addressing what you need for connection with him. Maybe something like "I wouldn't be disappointed if she didn't come over. You and I have not spent time alone in a while. I would enjoy connecting with just you over hanging out as a trio this evening. That would be my honest preference."

There's no guilt trip there. If he's reading things into it, like, "She's saying she will be mad/disappointed if I go," that's his thinking behavior. He could open his mouth to clarify this.

If he is in the habit of not checking in sooner than a few hours before the thing, because in the past you let that slide, and shelved your need to express your own preferences for the evening, buy today you reported your preferences upfront to meet your own need for communication; if he finds his previous behavior does not serve well, he could change his behavior and learn to check earlier than a few hours before the thing, then. Not a big deal.

If he mismanages his time with his partners by not checking in sooner on calendar issues and doesn't give himself any buffer time for planning things out, time to rest, time for himself, time for his other friends and family, etc... who did his calendar? Him. Him feeling "ugh" is a natural consequence of him not managing his time well to meet his own needs and the needs of his partners in a balanced way.

 

[LovelyLady]

All good advice here so far.

Clearly your husband does love you and doesn't want to leave. Clearly you are miserable and don't want to leave.

This is going to be long (sorry everyone).

There is a difference between over-communicating your struggles and completely burying them. I have personally tried both of these things and neither work. The former only serves to fry your partner's brain and the latter only serves to breed loneliness and resentment.

You have to find a balance.

Boundaries
Expressing your boundaries is not the same as being controlling.

Think of it this way: if you were weightlifting (as you do...) and your training partner kept piling on the kilos until your knees buckled, wouldn't you say "whoooah, hang on, I can't take this much"? That's expressing a boundary.

For example:
"You cannot bring her to the house." - controlling
"I really can't cope with her being in the house overnight." - boundary

"You can only have overnights once a month." - controlling
"I'm having difficulty adjusting. You used to have overnights once a month, now they are twice a week. I miss you and I feel stressed." - boundary

"You can't see her more than twice a week." - controlling
"I feel like I have a part-time husband and I'm lonely. I don't know what to do and want to find a way to accept this." - boundary

Sometimes, your boundaries and hubby's/metamour's wishes won't match up. You still have to get them out there, at least for clarity if not for compromise. As an example? I've recently started dating Descartes. It's very early days, and GF is not yet comfortable with her staying over in my empty apartment. However, she is reasonably ok with me staying at Descartes, since she doesn't live alone and I'd be on the couch. For GF, this is less stressful. GF isn't saying "you are forbidden", she's stating her level of comfort. I am free to decide whether to take that into account or ignore it. Your husband would be free to ignore your comfort and keep inviting his gf over, but if you never state your discomfort, you'll never give him the chance to choose to help you with it.

sparklepop, your examples were really awesome and are totally something I could hear myself saying. I'm definitely going to put them to use. The part-time partner boundary will probably be my first attempt as it best describes my overall concern.

When will I feel better?
Instead of being focused on the finish line (feeling better), focus on the starting point. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Allow yourself to grieve the stability you became accustomed to and accept this new situation. Allow yourself to communicate your boundaries during weekly check-ins with hubby. Importantly, feeling better is going to come from inside yourself. As others have suggested, start filling your life with things that you want to do. Volunteer somewhere, take a language class, look for platonic friends on OKCupid (many do!). Hell, even pick up a 4-hour-a-week job and put all of your earnings into a vacation fund! Expand your horizons.

Over-involvement
I'd remove yourself from the fray a little bit. There is no need for you to be involved in their travel arrangements. There is no need to reach out to her. There is no need to hear about their sexcapades. Giving them alone time if you're together is thoughtful. However, if it makes you uncomfortable, stop having her over while you're there. You don't have to switch from total disclosure to DADT. Find a happy balance. You can always scale it right back and tweak it as you feel beneficial.

Acceptance
Instead of wishing she'd go away, turn your focus inwards. She isn't the problem, I promise you. Acceptance comes from within you. Boundaries come from within you. Your marriage is as happy as you and your husband make it. Grieve the loss of your old, stable situation. Only once you have let go of it can you even accept the new situation.

This hit home, she really isn't the problem but a symptom. However, it is hard for me to discard all hope for a more stable environment. Anything is possible, right? I get what you're saying though. I have to accept the situation for what it is in the present and let the future develop.

"Fake it 'til you make it"
This hasn't worked for me. It keeps my GF happy, but I remain miserable. The only thing that has ever stopped jealousy for me (and still stops it now), is to change my way of thinking. Work from the inside out. Being poly doesn't have to mean being comfortable with seeing and hearing everything. Not from my perspective, at least. I have no problem seeing GF make out with Hubby, but I don't want to see my GF make out with Garcon, so I don't put myself in that situation. Simple!

Point taken. I recently sent metamour a text that said "just wanted to let you know that I truly respect and appreciate you for loving Hubby and making him feel special." which was a total load of crap. It was what I thought I should be feelingI Now I kind of feel guilty for presenting a false reality.

Intrusion
In some ways, a new person is an intrusion - they 'take' away time. They 'force' you to deal with unpleasant emotions merely by their presence. In some cases, it really just can be bloody intrusive (texting all the time, lack of presence, arguments between them spilling over into your life, etc.) - plain fact!

However, look at it a different way. A child is intrusive, right? Your youngest is 5 years old. Ours is 5 too. Oh, what a charming age. I can't count how many times we've been dying to watch Game of Thrones or some other bloodthirsty delight unsuitable for pre-schoolers, and The Tot has refused to go to bed. Or, we've been trying to have a serious discussion and The Tot has thrown a tantrum that requires us to give her attention. Or, we've been getting x-rated early in the morning and The Tot chooses that morning of all mornings to wake up at 6am and bound into my bedroom without knocking.

Therefore, when I struggle with the "intrusion" of another partner, I think to my little girl. When The Tot is hurt, I have no problem stopping what I'm doing. When The Tot needs a cuddle, I have no problem stopping what I'm doing. (er... note to self: stop indulging the kid). When my metamour is hurt, or needs a chat, or needs a cuddle, or needs whatever else (needs to simply exist and be in a relationship), I shouldn't think of them as an intrusion, because they are part of the package that comes with being with my GF.

So, in your case, part of the package of being with your husband is your child(ren). Part of the package is also having metamours. Find peace by looking for the child inside your metamour. Shouldn't be hard since she's 25. ~evil grin~

Funny, all of the intrusions you mention have actually happened. I will try your approach in looking at them from a different perspective.

Incidentally, while we're on the topic. I noticed that you mentioned the age gap between you and her a few times, and alluded to something about knitting needles. Remember: women in their forties have it all. You have the sex-appeal of a woman in her 20s, but with all the confidence and experience that comes with the extra years in bed. Women in their forties are wise and know what they want. Women in their forties are HOT. Knitting is HOT. Rawr.

So, own it! Your body telling you that something doesn't feel good? Stop putting yourself through it. You don't want to own your husband? No need to. Just own yourself. Own your boundaries. Put them out there for discussion. I bet hubby would be willing to listen and offer solutions. No 25yo is going to change your marriage or make you unhappy. You and your husband change your marriage and control your happiness.

Thanks for the pep talk! I really needed it. Your post was so insightful and I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts!

 

[sparklepop]

I

think it's an attempt to maintain peace. Is it working, no. Based on our very brief conversation on his plans for the evening, he now states that I have guilted him into changing his plans

Just to highlight this.

Like GG, I'm not seeing you guilting him here. I'm seeing him guilting you.

Sounds like he drops it on you at the last minute?

Could have more structure? Set nights per week? Or certain amount of notice?

 

[LovelyLady]

I

Just to highlight this.

Like GG, I'm not seeing you guilting him here. I'm seeing him guilting you.

Sounds like he drops it on you at the last minute?

Could have more structure? Set nights per week? Or certain amount of notice?

Yes definitely last minute. After me telling him tonight that I wouldn't be disappointed if she didn't come over and later him telling me he'd be home early and we could cuddle, he shows up at 1 am with her in tow. I waited up for him. I was so mad I was shaking and this time I didn't hold back in telling him how I felt. I told him he was fucking inconsiderate and totally disrespectful not to let me know his plans changed. I was so upset I just had to get out of the situation, so I made up some lame story about running out of toilet paper and needing to go to Walmart. She wanted to go with me and since that's the last thing on earth I wanted I was pretty blunt in telling her no. So now here I sit in the Walmart parking lot at 230 am typing this reply.

He has been texting me telling me he's sorry and apologizing. I think he might be shocked I reacted this way since it's kind of out of character. I have a big meeting at work that I am facilitating tomorrow so I'm going to go home and try to get some sleep. Thanks all for letting me share my story!

 

[KC43]

For some people, not having boundaries or "rules" and taking things as they come work.

For others, those boundaries and rules are needed, and as long as everyone involved agrees to them, they aren't necessarily a sign that someone in the relationship is insecure or controlling. For some of us, having things clearly defined and set out is comforting and helpful.

It sounds to me from admittedly skimming rather than carefully reading this thread that you have attempted to set boundaries which are not being respected. If your husband has agreed to your boundaries, he does not have a reason to disrespect them, and certainly doesn't have an excuse. He is being inconsiderate. And if he tells you something is going to happen a certain way and then fails to follow through without informing you, that is also disrespectful.

You are part of this relationship, and therefore you have every right to speak up and be heard. It isn't up to you to make things easy for him and his other partner at the cost of your own needs and comfort. You are the most important person in your own life, and if you aren't willing to speak up, defend yourself, and call your husband and his other partner on the actions that are hurting you, no one else is going to.

Giving orders and ultimatums isn't helpful, but others have given you examples of how to phrase things as requests. Another useful tool is the "I feel...when...I would like..." statement. For example: "I feel disrespected and ignored when you promise me cuddle time but then come home late and bring your girlfriend. I would like you to follow through when you promise to spend time with me." That pattern puts the focus on *your* emotions in response to a specific action on his part, which makes it a little less likely he'll get defensive, and it also gives him an alternative course of action that will improve the situation.

 

[Inyourendo]

Sleeping apart is going to happen when they are together, you'll just have to get used to it. Can your husband spend the night at her house instead of your spare room? I know you say you are mono but is it at all possible to find a partner for yourself so you don't have to sleep alone?

I would stop trying to be friends with her, you can be friendly without being her friend. It's his girlfriend not yours, you really don't have to do anything with her. I certainly wouldn't be planning their dates or helping him romance her.

 

[Garriguette]

Sleeping apart is going to happen when they are together, you'll just have to get used to it. Can your husband spend the night at her house instead of your spare room? I know you say you are mono but is it at all possible to find a partner for yourself so you don't have to sleep alone?

I would stop trying to be friends with her, you can be friendly without being her friend. It's his girlfriend not yours, you really don't have to do anything with her. I certainly wouldn't be planning their dates or helping him romance her.

Inyourendo, maybe you didn't mean to be dismissive, but your advice here sounds either like, "I know you say you're mono, but maybe you aren't really!" or "Did it occur to you that you wouldn't be having this particular problem if you weren't mono?" I know that I find advice that boils down to "Maybe you haven't adequately thought about who you really are" or "Just stop being who you are, and your life will improve" frustrating.

If a person is really only open to romantic / sexual love with one person at a time, then surely it would be disrespectful to use another person whom they weren't going to be romantic or sexual with as a sleep aid, no? Maybe by "partner" you mean "platonic friend who also has trouble sleeping alone," but that is not what people usually mean when they say "find [another] partner for yourself."

 

[YouAreHere]

For someone who truly identifies as Mono, getting another partner might be really bad advice. I know that if I nurture feelings for someone, I experience a reduction in intensity of feeling for my established partner. Finding another partner may negatively impact the existing relationship if this is the case.

There's a lot going on in this thread... being very involved in DH's relationship (I agree with those who advise you to stay out of their plans unless they ask), boundaries needing to be clearly defined and respected, etc. I have to wonder if clearly defining your boundaries and having that talk (without dancing around the topic) and seeing if he can respect those will go miles toward feeling more secure.

 

[LovingRadiance]

If a person is really only open to romantic / sexual love with one person at a time, then surely it would be disrespectful to use another person whom they weren't going to be romantic or sexual with as a sleep aid, no? Maybe by "partner" you mean "platonic friend who also has trouble sleeping alone," but that is not what people usually mean when they say "find [another] partner for yourself."

I agree-leading someone on, when you aren't really interested would be disrespectful.
But-combining the idea of making a life for yourself (friends/activities) in this new place you have moved to, and this not liking to sleep alone, I see other options.

Plan some activities that are overnight activities for you and friends, camping or whatever, where you could be sleeping with someone close-like in a tent-but not sleeping with them in the sense of leading them to believe they are going to eventually get sex.
IF that makes sense.

In fact; my sister and I regularly did this with each other in our lives, curled up together when our partners weren't available. Not because we were confused about our relationships, but because we were safe to cuddle with and we both prefer to have a cuddle bug.
The kids do it too-when dad is out of town (who doesn't sleep wtih them ANYWAY)but just him being gone, they would get clingy, so we would pile up sleeping bags in the livingroom and watch a movie and all snuggle up in a convoluted pile together (why oh why did I always get kicked in the head).

Creative adaptation-great concept. Instead of looking for "typical" solutions, try to think WAY WAY WAY outside of the box.

You are mono. NO PROBLEM (so is my bf). No need to find another lover.
But there are all sorts of other types of relationships that people never actually "name" which fill all sorts of small aspects of our lives.
Be imaginative.