For some people, not having boundaries or "rules" and taking things as they come work. For others, those boundaries and rules are needed, and as long as everyone involved agrees to them, they aren't necessarily a sign that someone in the relationship is insecure or controlling. For some of us, having things clearly defined and set out is comforting and helpful.
Giving orders and ultimatums isn't helpful, but others have given you examples of how to phrase things as requests. Another useful tool is the "I feel...when...I would like..." statement. For example: "I feel disrespected and ignored when you promise me cuddle time but then come home late and bring your girlfriend. I would like you to follow through when you promise to spend time with me." That pattern puts the focus on *your* emotions in response to a specific action on his part, which makes it a little less likely he'll get defensive, and it also gives him an alternative course of action that will improve the situation.
Part of the problem is that he would like to just let things happen as they may and I do not operate well like that. I need to know the who/what/when/where for pretty much any scenario, not just his time with GF. For example, this evening he told me he would be going out to see her and gave a specified time and duration. Unfortunately, the time and duration changed and he didn't let me know. I left the room for 2 minutes and came back to find him gone, a full hour earlier than expected. He says he said goodbye to me, but I certainly didn't hear it. When stuff like this happens my reaction is to start asking a bunch of questions so I can get the who/what/when/where answered and this makes him feel like I am smothering him. It's a vicious circle.
Sleeping apart is going to happen when they are together, you'll just have to get used to it. Can your husband spend the night at her house instead of your spare room? I know you say you are mono but is it at all possible to find a partner for yourself so you don't have to sleep alone?
I would stop trying to be friends with her, you can be friendly without being her friend. It's his girlfriend not yours, you really don't have to do anything with her. I certainly wouldn't be planning their dates or helping him romance her.
She is getting a new place and I am guessing that they will spend the night there instead of our house when that happens. In fact when I asked him about what his intentions were when she moved, he said that they would probably stay there so he wouldn't have to worry about me "yelling" at him when he brought her home. That made me feel super great...NOT Plus, I would much rather him be home, even with her here. I hate being home alone more than I hate sleeping in bed alone. I like the sense of safety and security of having him here. I did ask him if he plans to leave some of his stuff there and he said absolutely not, his home is with me. He's going to have to prove that to me.
I actually at times have wished that I could go out and find another someone. I even created an OKC profile. That lasted about 10 minutes. I have zero interest in becoming intimate with any other man. I love being a one man girl and love being able to focus all of my attention on my man and my daughter. In addition, I think adding that dynamic into our relationship at this point would be just too much to handle.
It does sound as though a few things are at work to escalate your emotional state. You said you were fine before.
But you moved and you are an introvert. You need to create a new social group-that is respectful of your need to disappear for personal time regularly.
That can be difficult and will require a concerted effort on your part.
You are an introvert and she's over several times a week-would I be correct that home is where you generally find your alone space? If so-that could be a HUGE problem.
This was a BIG topic for us because dh is an introvert. He NEEDS his home to be a place where he can get AWAY FROM PEOPLE. Not a place where people are always at. We had to work around that need and it IS A NEED, not a want. It's a need.
Also-so much effort to be nice that you aren't being honest and real and forthright about where you are and how you feel.
That's not healthy for any of you and it's a bad example for everyone too.
Please consider-sometimes what we say isn't what they want to hear, but if it's the truth, we need to say it. The key is in saying it KINDLY (there's a whole thread on here discussing exactly that somewhere on this board-search radical honesty). You don't have to be a jerk, or selfish or "radically callous" to be honest. You can be kindly honest.
But pretending to be kind by lying-not good.
Things were fine before with his last GF of 8 years. Things have never been fine with his new GF. During the first 8 years of poly, his approach, and what he would constantly tell me, is that he didn't want to take time away from us but rather fill the time when I wasn't available. We have differing work schedules and I sometimes travel for work, so this is mostly when he would see his last GF. There were definitely times that they would go out when I was home, but it was maybe 2 to 3 times a month and it was normally just to a movie or something. There were also times we would go to movies, dinner all together. Very rarely would there be weekends away, maybe once a month or less. I could handle this, I understood his needs and supported him.
With the new GF, they see each other 5 to 6 days a week with 2 overnights a week. They work together so they see each other at work too. From my perspective, I am losing time with him. Spending 2 nights a week with her at our house is not what I would consider time with my hubby. I didn't sign up to be a part-time partner and had I known it was going to turn out this way, I would not have encouraged him to go after her. I feel like their relationship is always right in my face. Even when we are together just the two of us or with our daughter, they are constantly texting. The amount of time is overwhelming to me.
What on earth is he playing at?
It sounds like it's time to have that brutally (or kindly) honest talk. I have a feeling he isn't going to like it - not because I think he's a bad guy, but because it sounds like this may be one of the first times you truly and completely assert yourself with him. I really hope you do. I'm expecting resistance from him, because I have a feeling he's comfy right now.
Thumbs up to everything LR just said above me.
I think she's spot on with the introversion comments, personally. At least, I can relate to that as an introvert. God, there's no way I could handle someone in and out of my house like this. You've got a cuckquean/voyeuristic side though, so I understand that part. (I often wish I had that side, ha!)
How are you feeling now?
I wouldn't go so far to say that I was brutally honest, but I did have a discussion with him and told him I felt like I was losing a part of him and it scared me. I explained that this new situation was a lot to take and I asked him if he had any suggestions of how I could deal with it better. He did mention that he would be fine if I looked for another partner, to which I said I wasn't interested in. His main suggestion is one that people of this board have recommended and that is to find a hobby, friends, something other than him to occupy my time. I am going to try to commit to doing this, but it is going to take a lot of work on my part. I have never created social interactions for myself before without having exposure and a comfort level first. I don't have anything like that right now in our new area.
I was disappointed that he didn't ask me how he could make it easier for me. Normally this would have been a question he would ask. Maybe he was scared of my answer? He did say he understands how hard it must be for me. I know I need to have another conversation with him about some scheduling boundaries and will need to be more upfront with my needs. I'm just working up the courage. I was really thinking of writing it in an email to him. I can formulate my thoughts completely in writing where as the dynamics of conversation can sometimes derail me from my purpose. What do you all think? Is an email cowardly?
