Nirvana Is Elusive

L

LovelyLady

New member
I can't seem to find a way to find peace and happiness with my hubby's current other relationship. I feel like I've tried so many different approaches, taken the advice of many of you here, hell I even went to a therapist for the first time in my life, but I'm exhausted from trying so hard and don't feel like I've made any progress. I feel like the only thing left is to disengage, distance myself and shut off my feelings to get to a place where I just don't care anymore. This is obviously concerning to me as that will likely lead to the demise of the relationship, which I don't want to happen.

My man is tired of talking about it and simply just wants to enjoy his NRE. In fact, yesterday he lied about going to see her. I'm pretty intuitive so it didn't take me too long to figure out he was with her. I feel terrible that he felt he couldn't be honest.

As I've said before, I'm mono and have zero interest in dating or obtaining another relationship, but I wonder if I need to try as a way to find peace and understanding? Is there something else I should try?
 
YOu can't force anything. THere's no trick, no technique, nothing that can make it happen if it's not going to anyway.

Maybe you need time; maybe time won't be enough.

I don't think that shutting down is the answer. THat's not fair to you, and not to him, either. Whether he's tired of it or not, you need to explain to him that it's not working for you, and you're having a hard time accepting it.

Will this mean the end of the relationship? Perhaps. It's not a lifestyle that works for everyone. You may not be able to find "nirvana" if you're not wired this way, you simply aren't. You need to be honest with yourself, and not drag it out through a death of attrition. That is just going to hurt you both more in the long run.
 
struggling?

LovelyLady said:
I can't seem to find a way to find peace and happiness with my hubby's current other relationship.
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What are you struggling with? the fact that he has an other relationship or is it the person that he is in that relationship with?
 
Is it him having other partners, or just THIS partner?

All I can recommend are time, lots of thought, self-examination, reading, and more time.

I'm not married, but in the end of February of 2013, I left my boyfriend/baby-daddy because as much as I could logically wrap my head around the idea of my boyfriend seeing other people, emotionally I couldn't handle it. I tried shutting down. Didn't work. I couldn't ignore the feelings, and I couldn't ignore him still trying to make sure our relationship worked. There were also lies involved and I just couldn't take that, at all. So I left.

We were separated for a little less than a year before I realized that yes, I think I can deal with this. He is more important to me than this discomfort. He is important to our son. There has to be a way...

And we started talking about it again. It helped me that he talked about his other partners as people. (Whereas before they were only talked about as astrological signs. They had no names. It was still uncomfortable at first.) Likes, dislikes, things they did together (that were not sexual). It probably helped that I am an anarchist and I can not reconcile my morals or life-views with trying to be with him and restricting (controlling) him from seeing others. Doesn't work.
He had even made a joke a few months after I left. ("Anarchist leaves partner who won't follow the rules: Film at 11.")

Now he and I are actively seeing each other again. I talk daily to one of his other partners. Not everyone will get on great with their metamour, if they talk at all, but I think talking to her, knowing I like her, made things easier as well.

I don't know that I'll ever feel compersion, or be thrilled when he is getting ready to go out with someone else, but this is doable. It's manageable, and it doesn't hurt anymore.
I don't know if "success" stories in grappling with that kind of thing will help you at all. They were encouraging for me.
 
westVan said:
What are you struggling with? the fact that he has an other relationship or is it the person that he is in that relationship with?
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It is this particular person and the type of relationship they share. He had a prior relationship of 8 years where I had the occasional bout of jealousy but I liked and trusted her. In addition she was married so did not demand a lot of time (2 times a month) or have a lot of expectations. The new girl is single, they see each other 2 times a week at minimum and has made it clear she wants him all to herself.
 
LovelyLady said:
The new girl is single, they see each other 2 times a week at minimum and has made it clear she wants him all to herself.
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That last part is a major red flag. Cowboy/girl alert!
Have you talked to him about his and what has been his response.
Just remember he's with you because he wants to be with you, he loves you and you bring valve to his life.
Having someone state that out right can be unnerving but as long as you are opened and honest about how that makes you feel and why should be the starting point of the communication with them both.
 
When you say that she wants him all to yourself, are you assuming this or do you have proof? I say this, because my ex-metamour made the same claim against me, despite my behavior clearly showing the opposite.
 
LovelyLady,

Given everything you've shared about what's been happening (from your perspective, granted), it doesn't come as a surprise that you aren't happy.

You are in a situation now that is not going away. It's time to make a decision.

You were happy with his last arrangement but are not happy with his current arrangement. Simple as that.

The first step might be to say that, at this moment, you cannot seem to deal with his relationship with her. You don't want to hear about it, you don't want to see marks on his body, you don't want to be around her. As far as you're concerned, she doesn't exist, and you don't care about it. If they're still having dates at your house, take that off the menu.

(Seriously - stop forcing yourself to be around this woman. Please!)

Ultimately, the decisions that need to be made now are yours. His relationship with her isn't going to stop, so what do you want to do about your own life? Are you going to remain living with him, especially since you have a daughter and like the comfort of him being around? If so, that is your choice.

Let him make his decisions, and you make yours.

I do absolutely understand that you are monogamous and don't want to date anybody else. I must admit that I could imagine you eventually meeting someone else, falling in love with them, and not caring so much about what your husband does. Being monogamous obviously means that you love one person at a time... It doesn't necessarily mean that you will continue to love your husband if you remain so miserable. That's just my opinion.

If it was me *personally* in your shoes?

I'd effectively drop my husband from my top priority spot and withdraw from the relationship to a certain degree. I'd let him have his NRE-craze with the Cowgirl, and have nothing to do with it. I'd *tell* him that I was no longer willing to hold him with the same esteem that I previously held him, and that I don't know whether our marriage will survive his relationship with her.

I wouldn't:
- Keep putting up with it, expecting that he'll change anything
- Think it's my fault, or that it's perfectly ok, that he's lied
- Continue to plan my life around this man
- Withdraw silently. It's unfair on him, and there's a chance he won't even notice. He needs to be explicitly aware of the consequences of his actions - it's only fair.
 
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PolyinPractice said:
When you say that she wants him all to yourself, are you assuming this or do you have proof? I say this, because my ex-metamour made the same claim against me, despite my behavior clearly showing the opposite.
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My hubby has shared with me that she tells him she wants him all to herself and I have witnessed actions on her pay that support this. She is a cowgirl.
 
Wanting him all to herself and acting upon getting him all to herself are two different things.

My husband Murf is mono.. he would love me all to himself. Despite feeling that way he HAS DONE NOTHING to act upon those feelings.
 
Dagferi said:
Wanting him all to herself and acting upon getting him all to herself are two different things.

My husband Murf is mono.. he would love me all to himself. Despite feeling that way he HAS DONE NOTHING to act upon those feelings.
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And there is that. Personally, I'm less forgiving than Dagferi, and just don't date monos. But it all really depends on who it is you connect with... I'd probably be caught in a hard place if I fell in love with a mono...
 
Hi LovelyLady,

All of the posts in this thread are good, but most of all I vote for sparklepop's post. Give yourself a rest from trying to cram this particular shade of poly down your own throat and just let your husband have his fling. If the cowgirl successfully lassoes him away, it will really be his choice and his responsibility.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi LovelyLady,

All of the posts in this thread are good, but most of all I vote for sparklepop's post. Give yourself a rest from trying to cram this particular shade of poly down your own throat and just let your husband have his fling. If the cowgirl successfully lassoes him away, it will really be his choice and his responsibility.
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Exactly. No one can "steal" a person; that person, the one who made promises and a relationship with you. He can't be taken unless he wants to go, and doesn't value you enough to be honest with you.

And if she does? He wasn't worth your time anyway.
 
But isn't it the case this cowgirl wants to be bred also? If she wrangles the bull hard enough, she'll be pregnant with his calf and then this isn't such a "little fling" anymore, is it?
 
Magdlyn said:
But isn't it the case this cowgirl wants to be bred also? If she wrangles the bull hard enough, she'll be pregnant with his calf and then this isn't such a "little fling" anymore, is it?
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If used correctly and every time, there is only a 2% failure rate for condoms.

Besides that, though, the OP want to learn to be okay with non-monogamy/polyamory. So she doesn't want him to go mono and will still give up part of her time to the the other woman. Even if the cowgirl gets pregnant, she'll still have to share her time with the OP; it'll just mean instead of getting time alone, the new girl will have to share her time with him with THEIR kid, too.
 
Magdlyn said:
But isn't it the case this cowgirl wants to be bred also? If she wrangles the bull hard enough, she'll be pregnant with his calf and then this isn't such a "little fling" anymore, is it?
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Yes, this is true.

PolyinPractice said:
If used correctly and every time, there is only a 2% failure rate for condoms.

Besides that, though, the OP want to learn to be okay with non-monogamy/polyamory. So she doesn't want him to go mono and will still give up part of her time to the the other woman. Even if the cowgirl gets pregnant, she'll still have to share her time with the OP; it'll just mean instead of getting time alone, the new girl will have to share her time with him with THEIR kid, too.
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I think Magdlyn is referring to the fact that in prior posts I have shared that the two of them do not use condoms and the only source of assurance against pregnancy is through her taking the pill. In addition, I have shared that my one and only boundary is that I could not handle him having having a child with her. As an educated adult, I certainly can make the decision to share my time with my metamour, with the understanding of all that is entailed. However, my daughter should not have her life impacted in anyway by her father's or my choices in alternative lifestyles. She should not have to lose time with her dad so he can spend time with his "other family." We are also not out to anyone and a baby would force us out. Neither of these things are acceptable to me and I have been crystal clear with him on this. He doesn't like it, but is accepting of it at the present time. I know his acceptance of this could change at any moment, and I also know that my hubby could do more to ensure that he does not put me in a position where I am forced to leave him, but he has decided this girl is worth the risk of losing me and there's nothing I can do about that. She's not pregnant now and I have chosen to continue to have faith that it won't happen.

I am very much committed to finding a way to embrace poly, but it's so f'ing hard. I didn't realize I had been living in Poly Disneyland for 8 years until we recently moved to Poly hell. It's a huge shock and I can't seem to find my way.
 
LovelyLady said:
We are also not out to anyone and a baby would force us out. Neither of these things are acceptable to me and I have been crystal clear with him on this. He doesn't like it, but is accepting of it at the present time. I know his acceptance of this could change at any moment, and I also know that my hubby could do more to ensure that he does not put me in a position where I am forced to leave him, but he has decided this girl is worth the risk of losing me
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Hmmmm, this really stood out to me as a red flag. If you're right and he is engaging in this risky behavior KNOWING that this would mean losing you (he MUST know this greatly increases his chance of getting her pregnant and that there is a chance she is lying about the pill), than this is rather concerning. It sounds like you and he have some fundamental differences. He may even WANT to get her pregnant in order to force openness (a stupid idea, imo, but I can't say it's never happened before). While I am not in favor of his methods in this, he should be honest and direct with you, this could easily be passive aggressive behavior on his part to get the open, honest poly lifestyle he wants and you don't.

I think you and he should probably talk about what your and his needs are. Before he does something like get her pregnant.
 
Ugh, LovelyLady, my heart goes out to you. Your h is in NRE lala land. You must feel like you hardly know him anymore.

Doesnt it suck how people can change? Your nice comfy arrangement where he only saw his former gf twice a month, and now all of a sudden there's this freekin cowgirl who wants to steal your man by getting pregnant? And you feel mama bear protective of the child you two already have, and must hate the idea of being forced to be "out" as poly.

God, your h is being SO selfish. Some people (my newly EX bf included) are sooo stupid on NRE. In my case, it's so ironic, because I remember 2 1/2 years ago on our first date, Ginger telling me he doesn't even get NRE, or if he does, it's mild and he controls it. Bullshit.

Sorry. This isn't about me.

Things don't look good for your future with this guy. If I were you, I'd start planning exit strategies. He sounds extremely untrustworthy. I am so sorry.
 
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