New to polyamory; root of a V relationship

[inlovewith2]

Hi all,

I'm happy to have found this forum. First a little about me: I am married to an absolutely amazing man, Ash, and have three children from this primary relationship. If you had asked me six months ago, I would have said that I would *never* be unfaithful to Ash, and thought being in love with more than one person was not possible. Oh, how long ago that seems!

I met my boyfriend Rob under some very stressful, even oppressive and probably unlikely circumstances. I was drawn to him right away. He was there for me in a way that Ash could not be. We began a sexual relationship shortly thereafter. Ash found out within a couple of weeks, and though devastated, was accepting of Rob and me remaining friends. Through individual and group counseling, and the irony of his best friend entering a polyamorous relationship with his boyfriend, Ash consented to Rob and me resuming our intimate relationship. I did not pressure him for this, only admitted that it would be my preference to be with both of them, and that I still loved Rob.

Ash initially was somewhat excited about finding someone else to date who didn't have the abuse history that I have (which has understandably created some major challenges for both of us), but has been striking out. Looking back, he doesn't have much dating experience and it was I who pursued him. He joined a poly forum (and maybe even this one, I'm not sure) and is really trying to work this out. Otherwise, he doesn't really know how to meet someone.

Neither Ash nor Rob are comfortable getting together at this point. Rob may never be, as he social anxiety, to begin with. Another V poly group told Ash that because they don't want to hang out, we don't qualify as a poly relationship. I tried to reassure him that we get to define our comfort zones and that we don't know what the future holds.

Admittedly, I feel selfish. I have been in love with my husband for 18 years. He means the world to me. But so does Rob. He understands me in a way that Ash never can, and he's an amazing man. Ash is feeling very discouraged at this point and I'm afraid that he will pull the plug on my relationship with Rob.

I guess I'm just looking for some guidance and recommendations. I frequently reassure Ash how much I love him, and he totally gets how different people have different things to offer, but he's understandably confused.

What do people think about what I've said about us defining for ourselves? Please be gentle. This has been a difficult time for all of us.

In appreciation...

 

[inlovewith2]

Hoping for replies this time. What am I doing wrong? Posting to the forum?

So, first of all, to be fair, though treated, I'm still struggling with a great deal of depression and anxiety, but I can't help but wonder why I got no replies to my OP (something like new to this forum, root of a V relationship). My husband and my bf are so incredibly important to me, and I need help making this work. Ash is incredible. He is in FL taking care of his parents, who both just had surgery. He knew I was having a lot of trouble dealing with the difficult news about his dad, and *he* called Rob and asked him to come and be with me.

Previously, Ash had been told that we weren't polyamorous because he and Rob didn't have a relationship. Truthfully, that may never really develop, but I do think that they both very much appreciate the role the other plays in my life. I'm not going to push them to step outside their comfort zone just because of how someone defines what "counts" as a poly relationship. Sorry I sound defensive. There's tons more to the story, including flying accusations from my dear mother that I'm cheating on Ash behind his back, when in fact he has consented to us having a sexual relationship.

I just want Ash to be truly happy with this arrangement too. I feel really lost in it all. I shouldn't complain. I have two fantastic men who love me, but being the root has its challenges as well.

I really hope someone replies....

 

[MonoVCPHG]

It sounds like you have a healthy relationship. Who cares what anyone thinks? Please just live it and do not worry about what anyone online says. Why waste energy that you could spend loving your men?

 

[Breathesgirl]

Your husband called your boyfriend to stay with you while he was away. It sounds like things are working just fine.

 

[EugenePoet]

I agree with what Mono and BreathesGirl wrote. Poly is not just one thing. It's not just triads, not just group living, not just anything. It takes many forms.

For instance, I don't hang out much with my gf's husband. I've met him and like him. We just move on different planes. And she did things sometimes socially with one of his past gfs, but not with the current one. C'est l'poly.

Big kudos to Ash for working with you and Rob instead of rejecting the relationship! I applaud his generosity and strength of character. (Tell him I said that.)

It sounds like you are the socially skilled one in the vee. That puts you in a position not only of receiving a lot from two men, but of being able to provide a lot, and with that ability comes possible responsibility. If you want them to relate more to each other, then it may be that you are going to have to be both the glue the sticks them together and the oil that minimizes their friction.

Possibilities, responsibilities.

My personal feeling tends to be that when the people on the legs of the vee know each other and can be friendly, the whole structure is more stable.

We often fear what we don't know, and if Ash doesn't know Rob, then he may fear his influence on you. Also, we tend to make guesses about people when we don't have full information, and that can lead to real misunderstandings. Ash may guess that Rob is one way, and start acting on that assumption, when in fact Rob is not that way at all.

So it will probably work better if they can be at least casually friendly. They don't have to go out drinking every Friday. You could just have a three-person dinner every now and then. Talk together. Talking is good. But you may have to be the one to arrange and mediate. Good luck!

On Ash finding a girlfriend: tell him it's difficult but not impossible. My personal perception is that most women in the general population who want to date view poly men as cheating playahs and are NOT interested. Ironically, I think men looking to date view poly women as easy sluts, and are VERY interested. That's my personal guess about the general population's perceptions, at least in smaller communities like mine. We live in a mono culture which does not understand poly very well at all.

If Ash is really interested in comparing notes on finding and dating women, he can PM me, either here or on the dating site OkCupid. It might help him not to pull the plug if he can realize that it's a process and never a finished, finalized thing. Your relationships will never be exactly the way they were yesterday.

You know, there's the famous metaphor about time being like a river: you can never step into the same water twice, because the water is always flowing past you and away. The Argentine author Jorge Luis Borges turned that around: he said we are like the river, we are always flowing and changing. And that's the way relationships are too.

So it will change. We can't always control or even foresee the changes. But thinking of it as a static thing which must be accepted or rejected because it has one fixed shape is probably a mistake. It does not have a fixed shape. It changes.

 

[redpepper]

I feel selfish. I have been in love with my husband for 18 years. He means the world to me. But so does Rob. He understands me in a way that Ash never can, and he's an amazing man. Ash is feeling very discouraged at this point, and I'm afraid that he will pull the plug on my relationship with Rob.

I guess I'm just looking for some guidance and recommendations. I frequently reassure Ash how much I love him and he totally gets how different people have different things to offer, but he's understandably confused.

Hi there. I think that you are doing all you can do, really. It sounds like you are all on the right track.

I remember telling my husband PN a million times a day that I loved him, at the beginning of my relationship with my bf Mono. It helped greatly in time. I did extra things to show him how much I cared for him and our family. It was reassuring for him. I do everything I can think of to show him I love him. He does the same now, in return, and it has made our love blossom in all sorts of ways.

 

[Breathesgirl]

My personal feeling tends to be that when the people on the legs of the vee know each other and can be friendly, the whole structure is more stable.

I have experienced this. My boyfriend of five years had a relationship with someone whom I just could not like, could barely tolerate. We had a lot in common, but commonalities don't make a relationship all on their own. There has to be attraction on some level, as well.

On the flip side, he also had a relationship with someone I liked very much. We didn't have as much in common, but an attraction was there that couldn't be ignored.

He's currently interested in a coworker and they're experimenting to see where things will go, or if they will.

Breathes (my live-in boyfriend) and my OSO Possibility know each other and like each other. In fact, as I write this, they are out playing D & D together.

Liking your significant other's OSO (your metamour) really makes things run more smoothly. It's possible to have other relationships without having your partners get along, but it sure does complicate things immeasurably!

 

[LovingRadiance]

I can't believe someone said that to your husband. How rude!

Your relationship is built by...

wait for it...

You and the people in it. That's it.

I'm in a MFM V. It started with me having an affair. It was much messier than you describe your situation. We all live together. The guys obviously know each other. They are trying to build a friendship.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by your men not getting together, whether you mean literally standing in the same room, or if you mean sexually. Just in case you mean sexually, I wanted to let you know that a triad is where all three partners would be sexual with one another. A V isn't like that. Either way, don't let what others say bother you.

FYI, on this forum, it's common to get a few days when none of the regulars have time to write, so answers are sparse. Also, there is more activity on the "general" forum than the new to poly one some days. Just look around!

 

[AutumnalTone]

Hi all,
Another V poly group told Ash that because they don't want to hang out, we don't qualify as a poly relationship.

I have to say that is one of the most stupid things I've ever heard. If you've built a vee, then you have a poly relationship structure. Whether the ends of the vee hang out with each other has nothing to do with that.

I'll offer that you should be wary of any information those folks try to give you in the future.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Another V poly group told my dh that because they don't want to hang out, we don't qualify as a poly relationship. I tried to reassure him that we get to define our comfort zones and that we don't know what the future holds.

I would love to have a chat with whoever let that shit fall from their lips. This is a prime example of when the idea of community becomes too much about rules and behavior for inclusion. This is so ironic, especially when those same people are probably preaching about how enlightened they are.

 

[Moonglow]

I am in a similar situation. It is so confusing at times, that sometimes I wonder if I am losing my mind. However, I do know I feel very lucky to have two wonderful men who have developed a tentative friendship. I have had to worry less and less about it as time goes on. Each little baby step we take together reveals more to me about the people we are, and less about the hurt I might be causing, because there is no hurt if they are being honest. That's the biggest thing I learned out of this... honesty.

Now I've tried gently talking about it with some girlfriends and they couldn't see it. So if someone asks me directly if I am involved with my bf, I might tell them, but I am not offering up the information readily. I don't like being judged, especially about my private life.

I am so new to this, just a few months into the relationship, where we are all on the same page and all is known. I feel good about it, but so many closed-minded people are out there, waiting to judge me and my loved ones. Not much to say even from those that might understand it or accept it. It is still our business and nobody else's, really, I think... Sorry for the rambling.

MG

 

[inlovewith2]

Poly is not just one thing. It's not just triads, not just group living, not just anything. It takes many forms.

Big kudos to your husband for working with you and R instead of rejecting the relationship. I applaud his generosity and strength of character. (Tell him I said that.)

On Ash finding a girlfriend: tell him it's difficult but not impossible. My personal perception is that most women in the general population who want to date view poly men as cheating playahs and are NOT interested. Ironically, I think men looking to date view poly women as easy sluts, and are VERY interested. That's my personal guess about the general population's perceptions, at least in smaller communities like mine. We live in a mono culture which does not understand poly very well at all.

If he is really interested in comparing notes on finding and dating women he can PM me, either here or on the dating site OkCupid. It might help him not to pull the plug if he can realize that it's a process and never a finished, finalized thing. Your relationships will never be exactly the way they were yesterday.

.

Thanks to all for the replies. They've been quite helpful. I will reread and reply as needed this week. But for now, I wanted to respond and take EugenePoet up on his offer to PM with my husband. He expressed interest. He also said today that he has no plans to "pull the plug", but would like to have opportunities himself. Many thanks.

 

[inlovewith2]

It sounds like you have a healthy relationship. Who cares what anyone thinks? Please just live it and not worry about what anyone online says. Why waste energy that you could spend loving your men?

Thank you for the reminder. I was well-taught how to be a people pleaser, despite the fact that you can never please everyone. I was well-trained to care what others thought, in order to figure out how to be lovable. I'm really trying to live in the now as much as possible, but old habits die hard.

It's funny-- the more I move away from the mainstream (for example, giving birth at home, having a poly relationship), the less I care what people think. Most think I'm a freak, anyway. So who cares, right? I've even gone so far as to flaunt my "weirdness" to some particularly judgmental friends of Ash's. Thanks for the reminder!

Your husband called your boyfriend to stay with you while he was away. It sounds like things are working just fine.

Well, as is often the case, it's a bit more complicated than that. But you are right, it's a positive thing. One of the things (maybe the only one) that Ash appreciates about Rob is that he can be there for me at times when Ash cannot be. At this point, neither is open to in-person communication, but I'm hopeful that it could evolve slowly. My oldest son has had lunch with Rob and me, and is quite fond of him. He even shocked me by giving Rob a hug when we were leaving.

When Rob came over the other night, while Ash was in FL, my kids were adorable, offering for him to have their beds. I'm sure I'll have lots of questions about how to handle things with the kids as time goes on, but for now, I think they are satisfied that he is a friend. Thanks for the reality check, though.

Poly is not just one thing. It's not just triads, not just group living, not just anything. It takes many forms.

I'm learning.

Big kudos to your husband for working with you and R instead of rejecting the relationship. I applaud his generosity and strength of character. (Tell him I said that.)

Oh, I did, lol. He appreciated it too.

It sounds like you are the socially skilled one in the vee. That puts you in a position not only of receiving a lot from two men, but of being able to provide a lot. And with that ability comes possible responsibility. If you want them to relate more to each other, then it may be that you are going to have to be both the glue the sticks them together and the oil that minimizes their friction.

I think that's safe to say. I had already concluded this, and that I'm going to have to be very patient and tactful, not my biggest strengths. For example, Ash still has animosity toward Rob for responding to my admission of feelings to him. I've carefully shared things and asked questions to help him reframe it, but not much luck, so far. I follow his lead when it comes up and DON'T push.

When the people on the legs of the vee know each other and can be friendly, the whole structure is more stable.

We often fear what we don't know, and if Ash doesn't know Rob, then he may fear his influence on you. Also, we tend to make guesses about people when we don't have full information, and that can lead to real misunderstandings. Ash may guess that Rob is one way, and start acting on that assumption, when in fact Rob is not that way at all. So it will probably work better if they could be at least casually friendly. They don't have to go out drinking every Friday,

Ha, I had to laugh at this last part. I think it's safe to assume that this won't happen. But I have some ideas. I told Ash last night that if he had the opportunity to see Rob in another setting, it might minimize the feelings of animosity. I made a suggestion that maybe Rob could go to a social event where they wouldn't have to interact directly, but he would have the opportunity to see him in a different setting.

On Ash finding a girlfriend: Tell him it's difficult but not impossible. My personal perception is that most women in the general population who want to date view poly men as cheating playahs and are NOT interested. Ironically, I think men looking to date view poly women as easy sluts, and are VERY interested. That's my personal guess about the general population's perceptions, at least in smaller communities like mine. We live in a mono culture which does not understand poly very well at all.

If he is really interested in comparing notes on finding and dating women, he can PM me. It might help him not to pull the plug if he can realize that it's a process and never a finished, finalized thing. Your relationships will never be exactly the way they were yesterday.

I think I had written to you that he is indeed interested in comparing notes. If you could let me know how he can contact you, or I can give you his email or OKCupid screenname (I don't know it off hand), that would be great. I think it bothers him more than he lets on. He's kind of eager to get a date under his belt. He hasn't dated in many years.

You know, there's the famous metaphor about time being like a river: you can never step into the same water twice, because the water is always flowing past you and away. The Argentine author Jorge Luis Borges turned that around: he said we are like the river, we are always flowing and changing. And that's the way relationships are too. So it will change. We can't always control or even foresee the changes. But thinking of it as a static thing which must be accepted or rejected because it has one fixed shape is probably a mistake. It does not have a fixed shape. It changes.

I very much enjoy imagery, and thus appreciated this a great deal. Thank you. A wonderful reminder for us all in many aspects of our lives/relationships. Much appreciation.

 

[inlovewith2]

I think that you are doing all you can do, really. It sounds like you are all on the right track.

I remember telling PN a million times a day I loved him at the beginning of my relationship with Mono. It helped greatly. I did extra things to show him how much I cared for him and our family. It was reassuring for him. I do anything I could think of to show him I love him. He does the same in return now, and it has made our love blossom in all sorts of ways.

Thank you, Redpepper. Always an adventure when blazing new personal trails. Although we were very confident in our love for each other, this experience has shown us that we had become somewhat complacent. We are taking the time to nurture our relationship in more ways.

I have experienced this. My boyfriend of five years had a relationship with someone whom I just could not like, could barely tolerate. We had a lot in common but commonalities don't make a relationship all on their own, there has to be attraction on some level as well. On the flip side, he also had a relationship with someone I liked very much. We didn't have as much in common, but there was the attraction there that couldn't be ignored.

Liking your significant other's OSO (your metamour) really makes things run more smoothly. It's possible to have other relationships without having your partners get along, but it sure does complicate things immeasurably!

I'm a bit more optimistic, since Ash called Rob, even if it was just for my benefit. He also offered to write to Rob, and confirm that he would not answer the phone if he saw his number on the CID. I did pose to Ash about Ron coming to my son's soccer game that is close to where Rob lives, but he wasn't crazy about the idea. I'm torn, thinking that seeing Rob interact with my son could help, or it could make Ash feel threatened. We shall see where we are when that date approaches.

Oh, one more thing. One of the big sticking points for Ash is that Rob made the choice to date a married woman. Because he doesn't have more dimensions to Rob, he still has animosity toward him. I did suggest to him last night that he might feel better if he were able to let go of the animosity, and he was at least momentarily receptive to that. Ash is very pragmatic. Why hold on to emotions that cause you discomfort?

Thanks!

I can't believe someone said that to your husband. How rude!

Yeah, I thought it rude, as well. That person has since elaborated, which has been helpful. Essentially he believes, as many have said here, that Rob and Ash having a cordial relationship would make things easer.

Your relationship is built by you, and the people in it. That's it.

Love it! My thoughts exactly.

I'm in a FM V. It started with me having an affair. We all live together. They obviously know each other. They are trying to build a friendship.

Wow. I have some questions about this. But I don't want to be too invasive and have no problem saving them for another time. Just very curious about that decision-making process, and how living with two who aren't friends works.

I honestly can't ever foresee us all living together. Ash has made it clear that he never wanted to be a father. The reality is I am a mother, so if for no other reason, although there are many others, this is not likely. However, I think it is remotely possible that Ash will partner up with a friend of mine. We've already invited her and her dd to live here, to get out of a really crappy relationship.

Oh, it might help for all to know that Rob and I both have a lengthy abuse history, physical, emotional, sexual. The Red Fern (from a book by Wilson Rawls) of which was that he and I met in a psych hospital, of all places. Being suicidal really sucks, in case anyone was wondering. Sorry, I have to have a sense of humor about it, or it's even harder to live. Ash, though raised by an abused woman, does not have an abuse history, though bless him, he does try very hard to understand. See why I feel blessed?

I'm not sure exactly what you mean specifically about your men not getting together, whether you mean literally standing in the same room or if you mean sexually. Just in case you mean sexually, I wanted to let you know that a triad is where all three partners would be sexual with one another. A V isn't like that.

Oh no, neither has any interest in being sexual with one another. Ash may be interested in being sexual with a friend of mine, and she with him, but first she needs to realize that she's worth more than the treatment her bf gives her and get the hell out of there.

So in that case, not sure what we'd be, but I'm sure you all will tell me-- a V, a W or maybe even a triad. She and I have some interest in possibly having some sexual exploration. I'm chuckling, because there may truly be no other place in the world where I could admit that. Can you tell I'm happy to have this forum?

Don't let what others say bother you.

Working on that. Thanks for the reminder.

FYI on this forum, it's common to get a few days when none of the regulars has time to write-and so answers are sparse. There is more activity on the "general" forum than the "new to poly" one.

I do understand this. It's just that I seem to experience it every time I join a forum, and tend to be one to take things personally when it's not warranted. But at least I've adapted enough to check it out instead of assuming it's personal. I will check out the general forum sometime. Thanks so much.

That is one of the most stupid things I've ever heard. If you've built a vee, then you have a poly relationship structure. Whether the ends of the vee hang out with each other has nothing to do with that. I'll offer that you should be wary of any information those folks try to give you in the future.

Agreed. As I said, apparently the root who said this did clarify much in line with what many of you have said.

Oh, and fwiw, I love your quote. Ash and I, being the neophytes that we are, looked into a swinging group in our area, and concluded very quickly that we were not looking for casual sex, thus our re-direction/introduction to the world of polyamory.

Thanks!

This is a prime example of when the idea of community becomes too much about rules and behavior for inclusion. This is so ironic especially when those same people are probably preaching about how enlightened they are.

LOL, I hear that. As I've said, I'm becoming adapted to being non-mainstream. I run a support group for women who have had cesareans and I can't tell you how many people think we are nuts. You know, because major surgery is easy. Sorry for the OT, but we get a lot of preaching and people who are so confident that they are right. I personally believe that there is no universal "right." It's what works for you. Too bad the rest of the world isn't so enlightened.

Thanks, Mono!

 

[Morningglory629]

This is a prime example of when the idea of community becomes too much about rules and behavior for inclusion. This is so ironic, especially when those same people are probably preaching about how enlightened they are.

Mono, I was thinking the same thing!

Inlovewith2, you seem to be lightyears ahead of the game, from my perspective. We have very similar situational beginnings and circumstances. (minus the abuse history). But at least your significant others are at a point of recognizing each other. Developing their own relationship will be up to them. But the great part about it is that Ash is accepting a poly life for you and possibly himself. Rob doesn't feel comfortable with your husband because? Does he feel guilty about intruding in your and your family's life? Is he afraid of rejection from them? Figuring out that issue just takes some talking and maybe even "forcing" some interaction. By forcing, I do not mean making it a requirement or ultimatum, but more like directing opportunities for them to hang out and have chances to develop a relationship. You are in it, and everyone is somewhat on the same page of awareness. That is most of the battle, it seems.

Good luck! Happy to meet you on here! I am a poly newbie too.

"Oh, one more thing. One of the big sticking points for Ash is that Rob made the choice to date a married woman. Because he doesn't have more dimensions to Rob, he still has animosity toward him. I did suggest to him last night that he might feel better if he were able to let go of the animosity, and he was at least momentarily receptive to that. Ash is very pragmatic. Why hold on to emotions that cause you discomfort?"

Been there, on both ends. I guess our SOs don't realize that we are not victims of someone "going after" us, but rather willing participants in exploring a new loving relationship.


"So in that case, not sure what we'd be, but I'm sure you all will tell me. A V, a W or maybe even a triad. She and I have some interest in possibly having some sexual exploration. I'm chuckling, because there may truly be no other place in the world where I could admit that. Can you tell I'm happy to have this forum?"

For real! Thank God for it.

I'm so in agreement on the whole swinging thing. I cannot separate sex from having some kind of relationship with the person. Even if it is "compersion voyeurism," there is some love there.

Again, best of luck. I guess I will see you on here.

 

[inlovewith2]

An addendum that may be important-- my bf's best friend

So, I forgot another big factor in our poly relationship, in addition to Ash and Rob, there is another very present member of our relationship: Rob's ex-girlfriend turned friend, Mia, is getting increasingly upset about his relationship with me.

Rob ended the sexual relationship with Mia a couple of years ago, but it has become very clear that she is still in love with him and feels entitled to have "first dibs" on his time. He did not know that she was still in love with him until he told her one night that I was there, and she got very upset. They got into a big fight on Sunday because he was with me Friday night when she called. He said it got cruel.

I feel for her, because it seems that in her mind, they've been together for years. Neither has dated anyone else in that time until he started dating me, which she technically doesn't know, but I believe she *knows* intuitively. She has this fantasy of the two of them, and I'm putting some big holes in it.

I had suggested several weeks ago that if Mia met me, and maybe my dog, or one of my kids, lol, that I'd become real. I had planned to make comments about how much he cares for her, etc. But since he's told me more, including that during their break-up period she asked him to marry her, this seems more complicated than I thought. I'm not just threatening a friendship, I'm threatening a fantasy. And I'm not intentionally threatening anything, of course. Quite to the contrary, I've made it very clear to him that I know how important she is and that I would never intentionally do anything to threaten what they have.

I gently suggested to him that it would be kinder in the long run if he were to help her realize that her fantasy is not going to become reality, but he just feels like he can't rock the boat right now. Keep in mind that he's been severely depressed for many years and is still having suicidal thoughts. There's even more, but you all get the idea. Any sage advice or reflections?

 

[redpepper]

Why hasn't he said anything to her? There is the rub. It's important to say what's going on and how one feels as soon as possible. It lessens expectations and assumptions immediately. No guessing, no "intuitive knowing." It is all out in the open and dealt with. There will be stuff that is hard to go through, but it's harder to go through if it's left because of fear. Fear creates more pain. I would feel disrespected if I were not privy to how people were feeling and what was going on for them, especially someone so close. I would feel less connected and honoured. At least, this has been my experience.

If I were Rob, I would spend some time telling Mia how much she means to me, how it's not going to be anything more than a friendship, and that it doesn't mean that they can't be close friends. In essence, he has a poly relationship of the non-sexual kind with her. The same rules apply to friendships as they do to intimate relationships, as far as I'm concerned.

 

[inlovewith2]

Why hasn't he said anything to her? There is the rub. It's important to say what's going on and how one feels as soon as possible. It lessons expectations and assumptions immediately. No guessing, no "intuitive knowing." It is all out in the open and dealt with. There will be stuff that is hard to go through, but it's harder to go through if it's left because of fear. Fear creates more pain. I would feel disrespected if I were not privy to how people were feeling and what was going on for them, especially someone so close. I would feel less connected and honoured.

I can't speak for Rob, of course, but I believe he is afraid of losing her. Not only has Mia been an incredible emotional support, but she has been financially supporting him this last year, as he has been out of work. But mostly, I would guess it is a misguided attempt to not hurt her. He's not seeing that he risks hurting her more in the long run. I plan to talk to him tomorrow night, if all goes well. He is not doing well emotionally, so I will play it by ear.

If I were him, I would spend some time telling her how much she means to me, how its not going to be anything more than a friendship and that it doesn't mean that they can't be close friends. In essence he has a poly relationship of the non-sexual kind with her. The same rules apply to friendships as they do to intimate relationships, as far as I'm concerned.

Again, I totally agree with all you've said. As I thought more about it today, it's really interesting, because the poly "V" relationship started with Rob and me having a sexual relationship. (Well, technically it started when my Ash and I began having one, but bear with me.) It's not as if my Rob is embracing the poly lifestyle. He just wants to embrace me. Am I making any sense?

There's so much more, and quite frankly, my head is spinning. I am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow, and we'll just go from there.

Thanks, Redpepper.

 

[LovingRadiance]

You are more than welcome to ask me questions. I'm not a specifically private person. Geez. I'm so out loud right now! Seriously though, I've been out of town for a week, but I'm home now. I am really good about checking my messages when I'm home. I should be caught up by the end of tomorrow. So feel free to drop me a line or two, or 20 questions. Everyone else does!

 

[Bforeffort]

I would love to have a chat with who ever let that shit fall from their lips. This is a prime example of when the idea of community becomes too much about rules and behavior for inclusion. This is so ironic, especially when those same people are probably preaching about how enlightened they are.

Wow. Well said.