I Wish my hubby was more like new boyfriend

[DebbieandRay]

I have played with several men in the past, and I have a semi-steady boyfriend, but I have met a new man that I have really fallen for. He is not entirely available as often as I would like him to be, though. The thing is that's the part about hi that really turns me on. He is so much more masculine than my husband is.

I have done nothing more than flirt, touch a little and give my new man oral, but I hve very deep feelings for him. My new man and my hubby have not met yet, but they have talked on the phone. I have met with my new man 5 times and he is still a little freaked out about me being married. My new man is not poly, but he does have a desire to have a relationship with me.

My new man is everything my husband isn't. My new man is tall, has a deep voice, is a master mechanic, owns his own business, is very muscular, is very, very well built below the waist, and loves my breasts. My husband could care less about my breasts. And my husband is not a real touchy-feely kind of guy either.

I have not actually gone on a date with my new man, and we haven't had intercourse, but when I can't be with him I miss him. I used to miss my husband like that when we were apart, but never as much as I miss my new man when I can't see him.

The other day I was going to surprise my new man. He had texted saying he was going to be at his shop. So, I convinced my husband to go with me to meet my new man. We were two blocks from my new man's shop when I called and told him that I was on my way to see him, with my husband. My new man told me NO, and that another time would be better. I felt let down, but also excited because my husband never tells me no, for any reason.

I saw my new man's NO as him being a man, putting his foot down. I wanted to see him so bad, but I understood. He said that he had a client with him and another time would be better. I told my husband that I so wanted them to meet, so that my new man wouldn't be so freaked out about me being married. I also wanted to be touched and to touch my new man, but I think both my husband and my new man knew that.

My new man called me after we had already turned around and were a block away from home. I had my new man talk with my husband. My husband told my new man that he was okay with me dating and seeing him. My husband told my new man that if he and I had a relationship that he would be more than happy about it. My husband told my new man that he believed that sex is what friends do for and with each other. My new man told my husband a few times that he just wanted to make sure no one got hurt. My husband assured my new man that he loved that me and him were seeing each other.

My husband texted me telling me that he was so turned on by me and having had the opportunity to talk with my new man. I told my husband that I was turned on as well. After my husband texted, my new man asked me to send him a picture of my breasts. So, I took a selfie and sent it to him. He sent me back a picture of his cock. I would have ended up having to get myself off because of all the excitement, but luckily my other boyfriend stopped by and took care of that for me.

My other boyfriend and I have been dating for 27 years. He is married,too. My new man is not married and lives closer to us. My other boyfriend is a great man, and I love him deeply, but when he and I made love this time, I pictured him as being my new man. I closed my eyes and could see my new man on me, with me, and the sex with my other boyfriend was amazing, better than usual.

When I texted my husband and told him that my other boyfriend had stopped by, he got excited by that, too. He loves knowing when I am with other men. He's always liked that. After my other boyfriend left, my new man called and told me that he had jacked off to my picture. I was flattered, but also felt let down that he didn't want to please himself with me, and let me be a part of his pleasure. Is that wrong?

I hate it when my husband jacks off instead of asking me to please him, or to make love to me. And now my new man has done the same thing, three different times. The other day, when my husband and I drove to my new man's shop, all I wanted to do was introduce the two of them, and possibly give my new man oral. I don't think I am asking a lot. Am I?

All day long, when I am at work, or anywhere else, all I can think about is my new man, and he is always so busy that he doesn't have a lot of time for me. I hate that, but love him none the less. When my husband got home that day, after we had been told I couldn't see my new man, I wanted to be made love to by my husband, and we did make love, but I had to ask him for it.

I have a very high sex drive, and I hate that my men don't. Well, my other boyfriend has a high sex drive, but we can only get together when his wife is at work or he is in my area. I think my new man has a high sex drive as well, but he is always so damn busy and has a hard time finding time for me, and I hate that.

My husband is around a lot, but he is very girly. He is the exact opposite of both of my boyfriends. My husband is more like a girlfriend to me than a man. I love my husband for who he is, but I long to be with men who are more like I wish my husband was but isn't. Although I have what could be considered friend with benefits, it isn't the same. Sure, we make love, but I don't have the same feelings for them that I do for my new man.

Has anyone else gone through anything like this?

 

[Dagferi]

You are just high on NRE.

 

[KC43]

What Dagferi said...

Also, comparing your men to each other isn't going to be helpful to you or them. They're each different, and you like/love different things about each of them... so focus on what you like/love about each of them instead of what one has that another doesn't.

 

[Inyourendo]

Just enjoy the variety

 

[graviton]

you sound like you're 14 in your description. Grow up and love people for who they are. I'm sure each of these men don't find you absolutely perfect and wouldn't mind if you were more like Jessica Alba or Zooey Deschanel, but instead have to live with reality and take the good with the bad. Enjoy what they have to offer. You may find that your constant comparisons will damage all of these relationships.

 

[Inyourendo]

I kind of feel like comparing partners and wishing one was more like the other a mono response. Since you're poly you don't need perfection from one partner. Even the seemingly perfect partner is going to have faults. I was super duper gaga for Sam in the throws of nre, I seriously lost my connection to Nate during that time but I recognised that it was just nre talking an I "faked it until i made it" . Now I see Sam for who he really is, I still love him and plan to marry him but he's not this idealistic guy I thought he was, and I'm back to being gaga for nate

 

[Mignonne]

I was going to 2nd the NRE thing, also, you might want to backoff on the sending pics if you're wanting something more. I'd kindly hint that he can see all he wants in person (set a date). Idk, that would be a turn-off for me, personally.

Find out where new guy stands, and don't compare him to the others.

 

[GalaGirl]

I agree with the others -- you seem to be riding hard on NRE lala's. Since your husband is established and so's the BF of 27 years, this new man NRE is hitting you hard. Maybe it has been a while since you had the NRE "wheee!"

I could be wrong, but I get the vibe that you prefer stimulus from partnered sex to get the sex high "whee!" too.

So you get annoyed when they enjoy solo sex for themselves. There's nothing wrong with wanting to fly solo sometimes. Your guys sound happy on the masturbation front. How are you on masturbation? Do you also enjoy it to set off your own "whee!" response?

After my other boyfriend left, my new man called and told me that he had jacked off to my picture. I was flattered, but also felt let down that he didn't want to please himself with me, and let me be a part of his pleasure. Is that wrong?

He called to share. How is this not letting you be a part of his pleasure?

Why let down?

I hate it when my husband jacks off instead of asking me to please him, or to make love to me. And now my new man has done the same thing, three different times. The other day, when my husband and I drove to my new man's shop, all I wanted to do was introduce the two of them, and possibly give my new man oral. I don't think I am asking a lot. Am I?

Could you be willing to clarify what you meant there? What exactly are you asking? To me that could go two ways because I am not clear on what you mean.

• NO, it is not a lot to ask, you just have to actually ask "Would you like oral sex with me at this time?" Because unless you ask him if he wants oral or not at this time, you did not ask a thing. You have have hoped, wanted to, but no actual asking. He's not a mind reader. Once you ask he can say yes or not. Not a biggie.
  
• Or are you asking for something else? Are you asking them to be open and available to sex with you whenever you are in the mood? Then YES. It is a lot to ask and kinda fresh. They do not "owe" you sex just because they are your partners and you crave some. Sex share is sex share... not sex entitlement to their bodies.

You also could have to come to terms with the fact that

• you want them to initiate
• you want more sex

If you want them to initiate, you can ask them to initiate more often. Even if means less sex so they can come to feel hungry for some again.

If you want more sex, maybe you let go of the want for them to initiate and you initiate first.

You getting both? Like you getting more sex because they initiate more -- that might be a desired outcome of yours. But you do not control other people's behavior.

How do you like to initiate? Are you direct? Or kinda hint form the side and get sad nobody got the hint?

Galagirl

 

[DebbieandRay]

"Could you be willing to clarify what you meant there? What exactly are you asking? To me that could go two ways because I am not clear on what you mean.

NO, it is not a lot to ask, you just have to actually ask "Would you like oral sex with me at this time?" Because unless you ask him if he wants oral or not at this time, you did not ask a thing. You have have hoped, wanted to, but no actual asking. He's not a mind reader. Once you ask he can say yes or not. Not a biggie.
Or are you asking for something else? Are you asking them to be open and available to sex with you whenever you are in the mood? Then YES. It is a lot to ask and kinda fresh. They do not "owe" you sex just because they are your partners and you crave some. Sex share is sex share... not sex entitlement to their bodies."


I do ask, often. I have texted and called asking him (my new man) to come to the house and play. I am very foreward. And I have always been the initiator with my new man, and to often with my husband.


"You also could have to come to terms with the fact that

you want them to initiate
you want more sex"


I do want the sex, but I mostly want the quality time I feel I'm not getting from my new man, at least not enough of it.


"If you want them to initiate, you can ask them to initiate more often. Even if means less sex so they can come to feel hungry for some again."

If I didn't initiate with my husband, he and I would never have sex. He will not ask for sex or intimacy. He never has and says he never will.

"How do you like to initiate? Are you direct? Or kinda hint form the side and get sad nobody got the hint?"

I initiate by telling them, straight out, that I want to be with them, to spend time with them, to have sex with them. I am not subtle.

"So you get annoyed when they enjoy solo sex for themselves. There's nothing wrong with wanting to fly solo sometimes. Your guys sound happy on the masturbation front. How are you on masturbation? Do you also enjoy it to set off your own "whee!" response?"

To me, I always have to ask, when I am available, and wanting sex, why do you jack off? My husband tells me that he doesn't want to bother me. My other boyfriend wants me all the time, but he lives an hour from me. My new man lives 5 minutes from me. I do not work and I am available often. Again, why jack off when I am available?

I like it when my husband isn't in the mood, but is still willing to use my toys on and with me. That I like. My toy is sized like my new man is. When my husband uses my toy on me, I can fantasize that the toy is actually my new man in me, and I like that, but it isn't the same.

My husband has a very low testosterone level, and because of his previous marriage, and the fact that he is very small, below the waist, and because he is bi, his desire for physical sex has always been minimal at best. My husband actually prefers to watch me have sex with other men to having sex with me, himself.

My husband enjoys masturbating to pictures he has taken of me having sex with other men more than having sex with me. My husband even hates to ejaculate with me, but he has no problem getting off by himself.

If I don't call on past lovers, I often end up having to get myself off. So, getting sex is not the problem. The problem is getting the quality time and sex from the men I want it with most.

 

[KC43]

I do ask, often. I have texted and called asking him (my new man) to come to the house and play. I am very foreward. And I have always been the initiator with my new man, and to often with my husband.

But you haven't completely addressed GalaGirl's question. Are you asking for them to interact sexually with you and accepting it when they say no, or are you asking for them to interact sexually with you whenever and wherever you want it? If it's the first one, that's fine; if it's the second, that's a problem because it implies that they have to fit your sexual needs whether they want to or not.

I do want the sex, but I mostly want the quality time I feel I'm not getting from my new man, at least not enough of it.

This makes a bit more sense, but again...are you making allowances for what *he* wants or only focusing on what *you* want?

If I didn't initiate with my husband, he and I would never have sex. He will not ask for sex or intimacy. He never has and says he never will.

This sounds like an unfortunate and difficult situation for you to be in. But if your husband has specifically said that it's up to you to initiate because he's unwilling to do so, you don't really have much choice; either initiate or don't have sex with him.

I'm curious about why this is a problem for him, but it isn't really my business.

I initiate by telling them, straight out, that I want to be with them, to spend time with them, to have sex with them. I am not subtle.

And how do you respond when they express that they aren't willing or able to spend time or have sex with you?

To me, I always have to ask, when I am available, and wanting sex, why do you jack off? My husband tells me that he doesn't want to bother me. My other boyfriend wants me all the time, but he lives an hour from me. My new man lives 5 minutes from me. I do not work and I am available often. Again, why jack off when I am available?

Sometimes people want steak, sometimes they want a corndog. It's about variety. Just because someone has a sex partner *available* doesn't mean they always want to have sex with a partner. Sometimes masturbation is fun. Sometimes there just isn't enough time to contact the partner, get together, get undressed, and get it on, and masturbation is a quick and easy way to relieve the hornies. Their choices to "jack off" has nothing to do with whether you're available or not; it has to do with their preference at that particular moment in time.

I like it when my husband isn't in the mood, but is still willing to use my toys on and with me. That I like. My toy is sized like my new man is. When my husband uses my toy on me, I can fantasize that the toy is actually my new man in me, and I like that, but it isn't the same.

My husband has a very low testosterone level, and because of his previous marriage, and the fact that he is very small, below the waist, and because he is bi, his desire for physical sex has always been minimal at best. My husband actually prefers to watch me have sex with other men to having sex with me, himself.

My husband enjoys masturbating to pictures he has taken of me having sex with other men more than having sex with me. My husband even hates to ejaculate with me, but he has no problem getting off by himself.

If I don't call on past lovers, I often end up having to get myself off. So, getting sex is not the problem. The problem is getting the quality time and sex from the men I want it with most.

I'm not sure what to say about the sexual dynamic between you and your husband, so I'm not going to say anything on that. That's between you and him, as are the reasons you say are behind it.

I can't tell from your last sentence whether you're considering quality time and sex the same thing, or whether there's a difference in your mind. Quality time doesn't have to mean sex. It *can*, but it doesn't *have to*. It sounds like you're complaining about not having the time and the amount of sex you want, but you haven't said much about what your men want and/or are able to give you. You've implied that they're ignoring your wants and needs while making it sound like you don't believe they should have their own wants and needs if those are contrary to yours.

You want a lot of sex. Apparently more than they do. That doesn't obligate them to provide the amount of sex you want; nor does it obligate you to "settle", for want of a better word, for less sex than you want. However, it does seem to me that you might do better to make some compromises with them instead of only focusing on what YOU want, because you are not the only person involved in these relationships.

By the way... if you hit the "quote" button at the bottom of a post you want to quote, it'll do that the way I've done it. If you want to break that quote into smaller chunks, as I have, put [ /QUOTE] (without the space between the first [ and the /) at the end of the first section, and break out each additional piece with [ QUOTE] (again, without the space after the first [) at the beginning of the portion you want to quote, and [ /QUOTE] at the end.

Just makes it a bit less confusing... When I read your response to GalaGirl, I kept having to scroll back to her post to see what was quoted from her and what was your response.

 

[GalaGirl]

I see a vent about your sex life with husband. I see you are frustrated. I am sorry you are.

This seems to be mainly about the new man though, so for sake of clarity, let's just stick with mainly talking about him right now.

I do not see where you pick 1 or 2 about the new BF. I do not see a clear, direct 3rd option articulated like

"No. Not #1: I do not expect my new partner to mind reader me. I actually do ask him directly for sex.

No. Not #2. I do not expect my new partner to be open and available to share sex with me whenever I am in the mood.

It is #3. I believe that (my new partner believes the same as me.) Because I prefer partnered sex to masturbation and turn to masturbation when there's no other recourse I get upset when my new partner masturbates. I see it as him turning to that because there's no other recourse. I am here and eager to share sex. There is another recourse -- ME!

I expect my new partner to come to me and ask for sex share rather than go right to masturbating. I expect my new partner to only masturbate if I am not available. I don't like hearing he masturbated when I was available.
​

Or is there some #4 thing? Are you able to articulate what it is you expect from your new partner?

"I expect ____ from my new partner. Because I want/need _____. Because I believe ______ in this relationship."​

Is it that you do not take hearing "No" well from him?

To me, I always have to ask, when I am available, and wanting sex, why do you jack off? My husband tells me that he doesn't want to bother me. My other boyfriend wants me all the time, but he lives an hour from me. My new man lives 5 minutes from me. I do not work and I am available often. Again, why jack off when I am available?

• Because self pleasuring is fun for your new man?
• Because while he is more available in terms of interest than the husband, more available in terms of distance than the LDR BF, he is not in terms of time because he owns and runs his shop and running your own biz can be a time hog? And a quick hand job is quicker than partnered sex?
• Because he can have a belief system where he believes "I like both solo sex and partnered sex. Yay!" rather than a belief system that goes "Partnered sex is better than masturbation, but if no other option, I'll take masturbation?"

What about his masturbating makes is hard for you to accept / understand / hear? Because if you find hearing about him masturbating a turn off -- could just tell him to enjoy but not share that bit with you. Is that not an option?

It is almost like masturbation is "Ms Masturbation" for you -- like another lover. And you are experiencing jealousy over Ms Masturbation getting more attention from your new man than you. If so, could these articles help with jealousy management?

• Wagner
• Labriola

I do want the sex, but I mostly want the quality time I feel I'm not getting from my new man, at least not enough of it.

The problem is getting the quality time and sex from the men I want it with most.

Well, have you asked for quality time straight up from your new man? What is "quality time" to you? How is it separate from "sex" or is "quality time" a euphemism for sex to you?

How often do you want quality time from him? Are you able to articulate that clearly?

"I want ___ dates a week with my new man doing quality time activities like _______. With sex being (required/not required but def welcome) on these dates. That would make me happy to participate in this relationship."​

You know your new BF does not exist to "make up" for (lack of husband sex/husband quality time) or (lack of LDR BF sex/LDR BF quality time) right?

If he is not compatible with your current level of want/need then he just isn't. You cannot MAKE him have sex with you.
Also cannot make him share more quality time with you than he has available.

Galagirl

 

[DebbieandRay]

KC43;

First, as far as accepting it when they say no, I saw it as very manly and masculine when my new man told me NO. My husband will not tell me NO, ever, for any reason. As far as if I am asking for them to interact sexually with me, whenever and wherever I want it? The answer is no. It is the quality time I want most. And my men do not have to fit my sexual needs whether they want to or not.

The sexual situation between me and my husband is a bit unnerving at times. In his first marriage, that lasted 28 years, my husband had prety much lost all self identity. When I met my husband, he was a shell of a man. He and his ex-wife married young and after only knowing each other for three days.

My husband found out after only three weeks of marriage that his wife was a barracks whore. My husband was in the military when he met his first wife. My husband worked three swings/three midnight shifts, then had three days off. On th enights when my husband worked the swing and midnight shifts, his wife was pleasing as many men as possible in the base barracks.

When my husband found out about his wife's extra-marital activities, it excited him, but when he asked his wife to tell him about her adventures she wouldn't tell him or let him in on any of it. The only thing she told him was, "They are able to give me what you can't." What she was telling him was that he was too small, in the penis department, for her.

My husband's penis is only 3.5" long when he is totally erect. From my own experience, I agree that is small for a grown man, especially when he is not much longer or thicker than a standard bic lighter, fully erect. And that was an issue for my husband's ex-wife.

From talking with my husband and his ex-wife, I found out that for the first year of their marriage, my husband and his ex-wife had intercourse, or any kind of sex together, only three times in that year. Whereas, my husband's ex-wife had sex with numerous men whenever he was at work.

After my husband and his ex-wife had been together four years, and had only had sex with each other a total of 8 times, my husband's ex-wife got pregnant. To this day they do not know who the father is/was. During her pregnancy, my husband's ex-wife continued to play with other men, but not with him.

When my husband and his ex-wife slept together, he would place her hand on his penis, just to feel physical touch. One night, when my husband tried to play between his wife's legs, she asked him the question that changed their relationship. She asked him, "Why can't you love me without having to have sex with me?" From that day my husband saw wanting sex from/with his wife as not loving her.

My husband's ex-wife ended up having two other children, fathered by two other men. One of the other men was my husand's best friend that he had known since childhood. And his best friend was living with them at the time that he got my husband's wife pregnant.

To this day my husband has trouble seeing sex as an expression of love. I found out the reason my husband prefers looking at pictures of me having sex with others is because he feels most loved when I have sex with others. In his mind, my husband's ex-wife loved him by having sex with other men, as well. My husband left his computer on one day, and I found that he has the majority of a 1 terabyte external hard drive filled with pictures of me and his ex-wife having sex with other men.

The pictures my husband has of his ex-wife, with other men, were taken through windows. Luckily, he was in the room to take the pictures of me with other men. My husband spends an aweful lot of time on his PC looking at pictures of me and his ex-wife with other men. He even has some pictures of me with men that his ex-wife has been with as well. My husband's ex-wife lives three blocks from us. So, sometimes we end up hooking up with the same men.

My husband is a proud compersive, and he will tell anyone that his happiness and pleasure is derived from my happiness and pleasure, that he prefers to live vicariously through my sexual adventures, rather than being a part of my adventures.

When I have asked my husband why he will not initiate sex, he tells me that he doesn't want to be a bother, and that he loves me. To me, if he loved me, and he knows my love languages are physical touch and quality time, that he would initiate sex with me. I will admit that any time I ask him to be sexual with me, he is, but I wish that I didn't always have to initiate.

My LDR BF always initiates, but because he lives an hour away, and he is married, he can't always be with me, and I don't always have the gas to go see him. That is why I am glad I have several FWBs. I admit that my FWBs do satisfy my need for physical touch, and somewhat my need for quality time, but with them it is really just sex, good sex mind you, but just sex all the same.

When I had BFs living with us, I didn't feel as needy as I feel I have been recently. When we had two other men living with us, whom I cared for immensely, my need for quality time and physical touch was always satisfied, and my love tank was always full. The BFs we had living with us had high sex drives and wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. My live-in BFs were everything my husband isn't. That being the case, my BFs brought balance into my marriage.

When you asked me, "are you making allowances for what *he* wants or only focusing on what *you* want?" I have to admit that I am focusing on both. I want more time with my new man, but I know he has a busy life, too. And Like I said, it weirdly turns me on when my new man says no to me.

In answer to your question, "And how do you respond when they express that they aren't willing or able to spend time or have sex with you?" The answer is . . . I deal with it. I do tell my new man that I would like to spend more time with him. And I do go to him when he tells me that he has a few minutes for me. When I really want or need sex, I either get myself off, or if one of my FWBs is available, I get with them.

You said, "Sometimes people want steak, sometimes they want a corndog. It's about variety. Just because someone has a sex partner *available* doesn't mean they always want to have sex with a partner. Sometimes masturbation is fun. Sometimes there just isn't enough time to contact the partner, get together, get undressed, and get it on, and masturbation is a quick and easy way to relieve the hornies. Their choices to "jack off" has nothing to do with whether you're available or not; it has to do with their preference at that particular moment in time."

I agree with your statement above. I know that we all have times when a quickie, alone, is the best route, but I can't help but want to be a physical part of that, with my new man.

You stated, "I can't tell from your last sentence (If I don't call on past lovers, I often end up having to get myself off. So, getting sex is not the problem. The problem is getting the quality time and sex from the men I want it with most.) whether you're considering quality time and sex the same thing, or whether there's a difference in your mind."

There is a difference between quality time and sex, for me. Even if I don't get to have sex with my new man, being able to see him and be with him, even if for just a few minutes, satisfies my need for quality time with him.

You further stated, "Quality time doesn't have to mean sex. It *can*, but it doesn't *have to*. It sounds like you're complaining about not having the time and the amount of sex you want, but you haven't said much about what your men want and/or are able to give you. You've implied that they're ignoring your wants and needs while making it sound like you don't believe they should have their own wants and needs if those are contrary to yours."

My new man admitted that he is still freaked out about me being married, and wanting to be with him as well. And I understand that. He doesn't really know what poly is or what it is about. My new man and my husband have talked on the phone, and my husband has told my new man that he is very okay with me being with other men, and that if he and I have a relationship, he hopes that it flourishes.

I don't think my new man is ignoring me. I know he is a very busy man, with his life, his son and his business. I know my new man, my LDR BF and my husband have their own needs as well. And I respect that.

Your last statement on you most recent post, in response to me, was, "You want a lot of sex. Apparently more than they do. That doesn't obligate them to provide the amount of sex you want; nor does it obligate you to "settle", for want of a better word, for less sex than you want. However, it does seem to me that you might do better to make some compromises with them instead of only focusing on what YOU want, because you are not the only person involved in these relationships."

I agree with your statement above, as well. And I admit that I do have a very high sex drive. I don't really feel that I am "settling" when I have sex with my FWBs. The sex I have with them is usually very, very good and satisfying, but it really isn't them I want to be with the most. I do have a neighbor that I have recently began having sex with. He works from home and his wife works away from home. His wife knows that he and I get together during the day at times, and she has given us both her permission to do so.

So, I am hoping that it is becoming apparent that my need for sex is easily satsified. It is the quality time need that has not been as easily satisfied. And yes, I know that my men don't have to do as I want them to do, but it would be nice to have the opportunity to be with my new man more than I have been able to.

 

[YouAreHere]

The sexual situation between me and my husband is a bit unnerving at times. In his first marriage, that lasted 28 years, my husband had prety much lost all self identity. When I met my husband, he was a shell of a man. [...]

When I have asked my husband why he will not initiate sex, he tells me that he doesn't want to be a bother, and that he loves me. To me, if he loved me, and he knows my love languages are physical touch and quality time, that he would initiate sex with me. I will admit that any time I ask him to be sexual with me, he is, but I wish that I didn't always have to initiate.

Your husband had 28 years of conditioning at the hands of his ex-wife. It is EXTREMELY difficult to undo that type of thing without help (e.g., you initiating).

I was married 17 years and have to repeatedly (though not constantly, thank God) remind myself that my partner is not my ex. My partner, for his part, keeps showing me that.

 

[RickPlus]

Your husband is willing to let you explore your needs with other people. This is not a small thing, it is quite rare in our society.

My wife has a much lower sex drive than I, thus I usually suggest we jump into bed. I am thinking, "it has been 2 days!!! Aughh!!!" She thinks, "It has been 2 days, Hmmm, nice." I have suggested to her that it would be nice if she initiates things some times, and she does. But the fact is, I will be the one who usually initiates things, because I almost always, think of it first.

Warm regards, Rick.

 

[DebbieandRay]

Your husband is willing to let you explore your needs with other people. This is not a small thing, it is quite rare in our society.

My wife has a much lower sex drive than I, thus I usually suggest we jump into bed. I am thinking, "it has been 2 days!!! Aughh!!!" She thinks, "It has been 2 days, Hmmm, nice." I have suggested to her that it would be nice if she initiates things some times, and she does. But the fact is, I will be the one who usually initiates things, because I almost always, think of it first.

Warm regards, Rick.

I will admit that my husband is a very special man in the fact that he has/does allow me to play with numerous other men. Few men are able to share their wife or girlfriend with other men without feeling jealous or intimidated.

My husband feels most loved by me when I have sex with other men. And because I love sex, and my husband, this works well for us.

I have several FWBs and two boyfriends. My husband loves watching me with other men, whether I am having sex with them or not. He loves seeing me kiss other men, and for other men to fondle me. My husband gets his best excitement when he can watch me be sexual with another man or other men.

My husband told me, long ago, that the best way for me to make him feel loved by me is to have sex with another man or other men. In society this is almost unheard of. It is almost unheard of even in other communities.

We do swing, or at least I do. My husband prefers to watch. My husband had asked his best man, my LDR BF, to make love to me before I walked down the isle on our wedding day. My LDR BF made love to me, literally 30 minutes, before I said my vows to my husband. This meant a lot to all three of us.

My LDR BF and my husband share the same first name. So,when I said my vows, both my LDR BF and my husband knew that I was saying my vows to both of them. On our wedding night, our marriage was consummated by one of my long term FWBs. This was also at my husband's request.

After our marriage was consummated, my husband told my long term FWB, that because he consummated our marriage, that he had all the marital rights that my husband did. And that meant a lot to me and my FWB.

I agree that my husband being willing to let me explore my needs with other people is special. I also agree that this is not a small thing, and that it is quite rare in our society. I know that my husband is a very special man. What I have been saying is that I wish he had some of the same qualities that other men do.

After giving my last statement some thought, I am glad that my husband is not like the majority of men out there who are jealous and do not trust or love their wife or girlfriend enough to allow or let her explore with other men.

I know that I am fortunate that my husband not only allows, but also encourages me, to have sex with several other men. I love sex, and I do love variety. And I know that if I had married most any other man that I wouldn't be enjoying the life I am now living.

I want to thank you for bringing this up. I do love my husband, for who he is. Sometimes I can be just a little needy, though.

 

[RickPlus]

Suggest Hubby be GGG.

Hi DebbyandRay, everyone.
Dan Savage is a sex columnist at a Seattle Newspaper and he has a bit of advice that I think might be of use to you and your husband.

He says that we should try to be Good, Giving and Game (GGG) lovers. Good means that we should strive to be good in bed. Giving says that we should try to give as good as we get (tho not necessarily instantly - it is fine to give back at another time, if that is what works). And Game means we are willing to occasionally do things that might not be a turn on, if it makes the other person happy, (within reason).

An example of 'Game' might be, person A might really like worshipping person B's boots. This is of zero interest to person B. DULL !!!. But once in a while, B indulges A because, hey, they are in a relationship and this helps.

Now you are being game for your husband. He gets turned on by being cuckolded. This works for you because you have a high sex drive and enjoy the variety. Great!

However, it is not outrageous, for you to want occasionally for your husband to do something for you. Yes, it is 'needy', but we all have needs. You are fulfilling your husband's needs very often.

Why not try saying something like this. "Ray, once in a while, I would like you to take initiative sexually. Not every day. Not every week. But once in a while. Would you be able to do < List of things you would like > once in a while, say, 6 times a year?" (Or maybe you would be happy with this on your birthday, your anniversary and X-mas. Whatever.)

It may be he can't. He just can't get it up when he is in charge. Then you have to deal. But if he really is Game, even then he could try something. Say he takes you for a nice dinner, sweeps you off your feet, does everything a masculine lover would do (or as best he can). And then in the final consummation, he puts on a strap on for you.

This is becoming a quite long post. But the key thing about relationships is communication. If your needs are not being met, TALK about them. You might find something that helps you.

Warm regards, Rick.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh I am glad Rick brought up the cuckolding word. This is a fetish/kink that some men have. They get off on feeling inferior, less of a man, than the wife's lovers. Humiliation can also be a factor, if the cuck has a small penis, which your husband has. Some cucks enjoy helping the wife get dressed for a date, and driving her to her lover. Some cucks want to watch their wife have sex with another man. Some are even interested in participating when the wife is fucking her "bull," by fluffing the bull orally beforehand, or giving oral to both wife and bull while they are having intercourse. Some cucks especially like to do cleanup when the bull cums in the wife (if they are fluid bonded).

There are other aspects to this kink you will be familiar with. Do a Google on cuckolding, or go to the website Fetlife and do a search. Thousands of posts and pix on cockolding will come up there.

I go into detail here because you don't seem to be aware there is a cuckolding community out there which can validate this aspect of your life.

 

[DebbieandRay]

Oh I am glad Rick brought up the cuckolding word. This is a fetish/kink that some men have. They get off on feeling inferior, less of a man, than the wife's lovers. Humiliation can also be a factor, if the cuck has a small penis, which your husband has. Some cucks enjoy helping the wife get dressed for a date, and driving her to her lover. Some cucks want to watch their wife have sex with another man. Some are even interested in participating when the wife is fucking her "bull," by fluffing the bull orally beforehand, or giving oral to both wife and bull while they are having intercourse. Some cucks especially like to do cleanup when the bull cums in the wife (if they are fluid bonded).

There are other aspects to this kink you will be familiar with. Do a Google on cuckolding, or go to the website Fetlife and do a search. Thousands of posts and pix on cockolding will come up there.

I go into detail here because you don't seem to be aware there is a cuckolding community out there which can validate this aspect of your life.

I am very aware of the cuckold community that exists. My husband goes to those sites often, if he is not looking at pictures of me or his ex-wife with other men.

My husband may be a cuckold, but he is not what is often displayed in the cuckold pics you find online. My husband may enjoy watching me with other men, but many men are voyeurs. Yes, my husband is bi. And I know that in the swinging and, even in the poly community, bi men are not well looked at.

In the cuckolding community many men and women are into IR. Years ago that was a very taboo subject. Now IR relationships are common. And I think that cuckolding is becoming more and more common as well. Cuckolding is the modern version of compersion.

I am married and have two boyfriends. I am married and have had a relationship with another man, other than my husband, for 27 years. We are poly, and my husband is a cuckold.

The poly community, from what I am learning, is ever changing. When my husband and his ex-wife were heavily involved in the poly community 20-25 years ago, everyone they knew were poly. Even then, bi men were not accepted. And even then, men with small penises were seen as lesser men, by the community itself.

My husband noticed, often, that the men who had larger penises were seen as more attractive and desired. My husband and his ex-wife attended several poly house parties. At these parties everyone played with everyone, except my husband. He had the smallest penis. So, he was not what the other women wanted, or even looked at.

We have gone to several swinger clubs, across the country, and it is the same everywhere we go. I get laid and my husband never does. I have also learned that in some poly communities that swingers are looked down upon.

From what I have learned from my husband's ex-wife, it seems that many poly communities are very restrictive, or have a lot of unspoken, or even spoken, rules.

Loving More, the 501 (c) (3), which states that poly "connotes multiple romantic relationships carried out with certain assumptions and ideals: of honesty and clear agreements among partners, mutual good will and respect among all involved, intense interpersonal communication, and high ethical standards." seems to be the main resource for many poly people.

My husband and his ex were into poly before the term poly was even coined in 1990. My husband and his ex-wife were into "poly" beginning in 1981. My husband grew up, in the late 60s and into the 70s around flower children who were into free love and where women had numerous romantic, steady lovers.

Growing up, my husband soon realized a correlation between men who had larger penises, and had numerous women, as opposed to smaller cocked men who didn't. My husband has never seen himself as a lesser man, and I have told him many times that he is an amazing lover.

My husband does like to take pics of him standing naked next to my lovers, to show a comparison between his small penis and my lovers much larger ones, but that is his thing. To him, that is his way of showing that I am getting what he feels I should have when I am not with him.

This thread was not started to down my husband. I love him very much. I just wish that sometimes my husband had some of the qualities that other men have. I don't think that is wrong. I know for a fact that my husband would prefer me to be 5' 7" tall, weigh 120 and have small perky breasts, but that's not going to happen. And my husband's penis is never going to be any bigger than it is. We both accept that, and we love each other as we are.

I know that my husband is a cuckold. And I know he is bi. I also know that some people might consider me a slut because I have sex with as many men as I do. The thing is that I love sex and my husband feels most loved when I have sex with other men. And that works for us.

My original thought, and the reason for this thread, was because I had confusing thoughts and feelings, and needs I felt were not being met, per se'. If I should be going to cuckold sites for affirmation and advise on poly matters, then so be it.

The problem is that the lifestyle we live, and I have spoken of, is not a kink, or something we only do in private. And most all of the cuckold sites focus on the wives or girlfriends being total sluts. Maybe I am a slut, but I am also poly.

The following is a quote from the Loving More website; "The next time you are confused about what polyamory means, remember what it stands for: many loves. Love should mean caring for people. All people. Beyond that is a world of differences and ways of living and loving as unique as the individuals involved."

Yes, I do have sex with numerous men, often. And yes, my husband is a voyeur and a cuckold. I am also married and a very loving person. I feel love for every man I am with. And to be honest, I feel loved by every man I have sex with. NO, sex and love are not the same thing, but I believe that sex should be a loving experience. Even the Bible teaches that we should LOVE one another.

If my threads are too long, or if you believe that my posts here belong on a cuckold site, where I am going to get kink info and offers to fuck, then okay.

If me posting here, and posting about my life and lifestyle are not acceptable, or if I am in the wrong place, I apologize.

 

[KC43]

I don't think anyone's saying you're in the wrong place, or that there's anything wrong with being a cuckold or being married to one.

From the way Rick and Magdlyn word their posts, I think they were only trying to give you a possible *additional* resource to look into. *Additional* to this forum, not instead of.

Poly is whatever the people involved in a poly relationship decide it is. You and your husband and other partner have found something that works for you, and now you're seeking advice about something to do with your specific relationship.

That's what this site is for, but when members have information they think a poster might be unaware of, they're going to share it. You hadn't mentioned cuckolding before, nor that your husband visits cuckold sites, so other members here didn't know you were aware of those resources and just wanted to make sure you knew they exist. They aren't telling you to go away and go to those sites instead.

 

[DebbieandRay]

I don't think anyone's saying you're in the wrong place, or that there's anything wrong with being a cuckold or being married to one.

From the way Rick and Magdlyn word their posts, I think they were only trying to give you a possible *additional* resource to look into. *Additional* to this forum, not instead of.

Poly is whatever the people involved in a poly relationship decide it is. You and your husband and other partner have found something that works for you, and now you're seeking advice about something to do with your specific relationship.

That's what this site is for, but when members have information they think a poster might be unaware of, they're going to share it. You hadn't mentioned cuckolding before, nor that your husband visits cuckold sites, so other members here didn't know you were aware of those resources and just wanted to make sure you knew they exist. They aren't telling you to go away and go to those sites instead.

I thank you for that.