The Struggling Mono Thread

Hi gorgeous kitten

Quite the opposite in a way. My partner is poly and after years of trying to be really comfortable with it while remaining mono I tried poly myself but it has never worked in the same way for me. I find it difficult to manage the emotions and I also find that most men don't really take me seriously. So I'm edging back towards mono, although either label doesn't really fit me anymore.

I'm chatting with a guy who wants to have a BDSM relationship with me and believes he can teach me compersion. Interesting concept. We'll see

Sage
 
Hi gorgeous kitten

Quite the opposite in a way. My partner is poly and after years of trying to be really comfortable with it while remaining mono I tried poly myself but it has never worked in the same way for me. I find it difficult to manage the emotions and I also find that most men don't really take me seriously. So I'm edging back towards mono, although either label doesn't really fit me anymore.

I'm chatting with a guy who wants to have a BDSM relationship with me and believes he can teach me compersion. Interesting concept. We'll see

Sage

Well best of luck to you! I could see myself MAYBE being someone open but poly just doesn't work for me...I cant balance all the emotions and really I have a tendency to be so deeply into someone I can not do that to more than one.
 
The fact is that I did this because my wife is worth sharing. I would not do it for anyone else.

Wow...such a beautiful thing to say...I read this last night and have been thinking about it all day...in the emotional place I am right now with so much changing after so many years... these words really reached me and helped me put some things in perspective about Master and His new interest...

thank you :)

~epiphany
 
Wow...such a beautiful thing to say...I read this last night and have been thinking about it all day...in the emotional place I am right now with so much changing after so many years... these words really reached me and helped me put some things in perspective about Master and His new interest...

thank you :)

~epiphany

It was a beautiful thing to say however you might want to read the whole file on that case. He's divorced from her and he might want to amend that or give the motivation to why and how he wrote that back then.
 
struggling poly turned mono is more like it for me I guess. We started poly, cause we were married, I never ever ever wanted to 'share' him. now we are bothing divorcing....and he wont close. I can see in his face how much he loves me, hes open to a future with me as domestic (possibly married partners)....

But NOW...right now...we both live with our estranged spouses, we have no set plans for the future....and the idea of him with other women makes me physically ill. The other night he said he wouldn't start having sex with other people until September rolls around and I burst into tears. I suffer from anxiety, and feeling insecure and unstable is a big trigger. one of the hardest ones I can reign back in.
I asked him if we could stay open for 6 months and then close the relationship and work on our future. He;s thinking about it. Everyone tells me this is wrong and selfish of me and if I cant take poly than just leave.

I don't want to leave. How could I feel secure with him with out our being married, living together, sharing some other aspect besides "hey I love you"? I have nothing to look at as tethering us together to give me the assurance he wont leave, or give me reason to wrestle with my own insecurities about him and (gulp) other women.
 
I would like to point this out, gently, because after my divorce I was in a place much like you are - grasping at anything that could help me feel more secure:

How could I feel secure with him with out our being married, living together, sharing some other aspect besides "hey I love you"? I have nothing to look at as tethering us together to give me the assurance he wont leave

Yet you and your husband are divorcing, and he and his wife are divorcing. My marriage of 17 years fell apart as well.

Having a piece of paper with a road map on it doesn't mean it's going to happen. I like to think that the blank piece of paper I have (with some suggested scribbles here and there) is at least more honest than the "road map" and plans I had in my marriage that just didn't hold true.

Look at it this way... your BF stuck with you while he was married, through all the difficulties and stress you BOTH are going through at the end of your marriages, and he's STILL willing to give this a shot even though you'd like him to close up the relationship (effectively changing the rules midstream). He's already proving that he wants to stay, just not in the way you're asking him to.

I sympathize, GK. I went through a lot of big emotions and insecurities when my marriage ended. I'd realized that there was a lot of learned helplessness that grew out of my marriage, and some codependency to boot. I glommed onto Chops HARD, and I think it made the whole road into a poly relationship much more difficult (especially being a "Quality Time" person and really craving that time together over anything else).

Chops and I both believe that it'd have been better for me AND our early relationship if I'd just taken 6 months to a year off and been alone for a while. However, we like to do things in the most difficult way possible :rolleyes: (and to be honest, I think a lot of the talking and soul-searching we did in the beginning helped make us strong anyway).

Anyway, my point was that "tethering" didn't work for you and your spouse, and didn't work for him and his spouse. Why not see what CAN work in the context of what you have, instead of trying to go from one marriage right into another?
 
I would like to point this out, gently, because after my divorce I was in a place much like you are - grasping at anything that could help me feel more secure:



Yet you and your husband are divorcing, and he and his wife are divorcing. My marriage of 17 years fell apart as well.

Having a piece of paper with a road map on it doesn't mean it's going to happen. I like to think that the blank piece of paper I have (with some suggested scribbles here and there) is at least more honest than the "road map" and plans I had in my marriage that just didn't hold true.

Look at it this way... your BF stuck with you while he was married, through all the difficulties and stress you BOTH are going through at the end of your marriages, and he's STILL willing to give this a shot even though you'd like him to close up the relationship (effectively changing the rules midstream). He's already proving that he wants to stay, just not in the way you're asking him to.

I sympathize, GK. I went through a lot of big emotions and insecurities when my marriage ended. I'd realized that there was a lot of learned helplessness that grew out of my marriage, and some codependency to boot. I glommed onto Chops HARD, and I think it made the whole road into a poly relationship much more difficult (especially being a "Quality Time" person and really craving that time together over anything else).

Chops and I both believe that it'd have been better for me AND our early relationship if I'd just taken 6 months to a year off and been alone for a while. However, we like to do things in the most difficult way possible :rolleyes: (and to be honest, I think a lot of the talking and soul-searching we did in the beginning helped make us strong anyway).

Anyway, my point was that "tethering" didn't work for you and your spouse, and didn't work for him and his spouse. Why not see what CAN work in the context of what you have, instead of trying to go from one marriage right into another?

Thanks so much YAH, really wonderful advice and very useful. thanks for being gentle. We are both coming out of codependent relationships, where we were both the 'care giver' spouse. He now feels he doesn't want to be "obligated" to anyone. I feel I want someone else to take control and take care of me for a change. I dohold on hard, very hard. Im trying not to suffocate him.

I should take time alone, but I wont. cause im difficult and stubborn and overly tenacious. Its a beautiful character trait and a flaw that I see what I want and then I make it mine. and 99% of the time it works. Ive gotten vain and cocky. I get my way...you know? Its good he sticks up for himself...cause I KNOW, I have the power to steam roll him into monagomy just by who we both are. Im strong, assertive, a little domineering, but offset it by being very loving and affectionate and caring. He is also those last three things, but he is quiet, slow to action, and lacks confidence.
I've always said we are like coffee and ice cream. An unexpected combo, but it goes well together. I just often run into almost melting him in my intensity....
 
I don't want to leave. How could I feel secure with him with out our being married, living together, sharing some other aspect besides "hey I love you"? I have nothing to look at as tethering us together to give me the assurance he wont leave, or give me reason to wrestle with my own insecurities about him and (gulp) other women.

Either you trust that he will stay with you, and love you, or you don't. A marriage certificate won't change that; if he's going to leave you, it merely complicates the process. If he's committed to you, then he is, and a marriage certificate is merely symbolic confirmation. It is certainly no maker nor guarantor of exclusivity.

If you need exclusivity to make you feel secure and happy, then yes, you need to seek that out. But you may not find that with him, if it's not within him to be monogamous.
 
so new, and in despreate need of comforting.

after 7 years of being together, my husband and I recently got married. I am mono, he is poly he admits now. we are Christian and I told him that he could start searching slowly and help me be eased into it. he took the whole leash and posted a huge wide net to get anyone to give him attention. he posted about being dominate and needing a little good girl to sit as his feet and worship him, Tha he wants to sexually dominate someone and tie them up, gag them, extremely kinky stuff. in moSt of his post I am hardly mentioned and when I am I am put out to sound like an unattentive wife, (to clarify, I recently graduated college and have a full time job to support us and build a house for us, he hasn't worked in several years because of depression and a little sickness) I hate working and do not want to be, but we literally wouldn't survive if I didnt, he has no car and just a few friends. I've been trying for 6 years to get him to be happier by showing him the future holds so much for us. our house is almost done.. anywa,. I found these post when I was searching for us too. he was commenting on nasty pictures of girls licking themselves and saying things like dream come true, let me help. I confronted him, he said he crossed the line. but it totally changed everything I see about him. which is so hard. I don't even want to be posting this.


before he had always talked about a casual girlfriend for us to spend time with but now we are married and I recently found out through some of his post, behind my back in a way, that he wants to have a whole second wife and his dream is to have both of his wives pregnant at the same time so we can see two bellies together.

we have no children yet, and we have been looking for less then 6 months for a serious person to bring into ourlives. at that point I didn't know he wanted children who someone else. it seems like we can't start our family together until we find him another perfect woman.

I am destroyed and overwhelemed. and about to go pick up a woman we've been talking to for a week for our first date. she has already asked me about sleeping arrangements.

this is all happening so fast, with very little communication and no boundaries habe been asked to be set and I haven't been asked how I feel. she asked if I was comfortable with the situation, I lied some because when I say no and he knows his depression is 10x what it is when we are searcing. he tells her I'm fine with it, that I won't be mad at him, that it won't hurt me, I'm just nervous. when, when I am at home and work I am sobbing uncontrollably at having to think of sharing the expierence of a child with another woman. and my whole life.

he says all I dwell on is the sexual aspect of this, buthe even though that's a huge part and special part and I am currently disgusted with he thoughts of him making love to me then someone else right after when we are trying for children. I know he won't leave me, and he says he needs me to embrace this and needs me to want it, because his dreams won't happen with me. he is very frustrated though when I can't stop thinking of sharing every little special thing in our lives, he asked me to talk and tell him, yesterday I told him and his eyes instantly filled with hate later he apologized but, it was there.


apprently, they have already talked about the baby thing. it so fast, and I am crumbling. she nice, I guess I should be thankful.

i need major help, advice and comfort please. until I will continue to pray. i am sorry for my rant, I am just so confused. we have a great relationship, this is like the only thing we ever fight about. I just wanted to see him happy and secure with me, before we started looking.

I am sorry. I just can't stop crying and this is where I've come.
 
(to clarify, I recently graduated college and have a full time job to support us and build a house for us, he hasn't worked in several years because of depression and a little sickness) I hate working and do not want to be, but we literally wouldn't survive if I didnt, he has no car and just a few friends. I've been trying for 6 years to get him to be happier by showing him the future holds so much for us.

even though that's a huge part and special part and I am currently disgusted with he thoughts of him making love to me then someone else right after when we are trying for children

Whoa! Back up, and slow down. Now is definitely the time to be thinking of children - put that on indefinite hold. Is he seeing a therapist for his depression? Is he actively looking for work? That you have been "trying" for 6 years to get him to be happier is a huge RED FLAG!

That he wants a submissive to cater to his kinks is not in and of itself a problem, but that he wants to PRETEND to be a dominant when he can't or won't hold down a job is what I find disturbing. It's fine to fantasize about getting two women pregnant, but who is he expecting to support these children when he has no job? Frankly no man in his right mind would even dream of living with more than one pregnant women at a time - basically all the PMS emotions for 12-18 months x 2 :eek:. Clearly he is in need of therapy.

You need to take some steps to protect yourself financially, legally and if there is ANY chance he has been cheating get tested for STDs. Sorry you are going through this.
 
Finding Answers my heart goes out to you. I know something of your pain because I have been in similar pain and that's why I started this thread. Ironically I have now also become a Christian. My poly partner and I were together for six years and set to get married but that decision seemed to bring everything to a head and we have since parted company. We are still living together until our lease is up. We are in separate rooms and we are still great friends. It's hard but doable.

My views around polyamory have done a 180 degree turn over the last 6 months.I tried for 6 years to be OK with it and in the end I found myself becoming a person that wasn't an authentic version of myself and someone who I didn't like very much just to stay with my partner.

SNeacail's advice is very good. However messed up you may be feeling right now I think your husband is more so. He is just in denial and is trying to make himself feel better with all kinds of idolatry and fantasy. That's probably not much consolation but his depression is not yours to fix or even try to make better. He is asking a lot of you, start asking some things of him in return and one of those might be see a doctor about his depression. Please, please do not get pregnant now. Until your husband gets himself sorted out it will just make things ten times worse.

Hugs,
Sage
 
Struggling mono is absolutely me. Married over 20 years, stay-at-home mom, and devastated when he asked me open our marriage. My first thought was, "This is it. First member of my family for generations to get a divorce." My second thought was, "I took vows that included worse, poorer and sickness. We've weathered sickness and poverty. This falls under worse." If he'd confessed to cheating, we could have worked through that, imminently preferable. It means he made a mistake, betrayed me, regretted it and would work to repair the damage. Poly is asking me to accept his other relationships over and over and over. It will never be done, never be able to take a breath and say, "Well that sucked, but it's over and we can get busy rebuilding."

So I'm struggling, do I accept failure and file for divorce leaving the man I've loved for 22 of my 24 adult years and who I'll likely love for the rest of my life? Or do I suck it up, realize this is the "worse" I agreed to when I took my vows? How do you handle constant pain? Does it eventually numb down? Our kids are mentally handicapped dependent young adults. As long as they have both of us in their lives, they'll be happy. Whether I stay or go, I'll never block his relationship with them.
 
Hi Monomom

My heart goes out to you. Every case of of polyamory is unique, there is no cut and paste solution. From the little info you have given (which is good, some people write a novel and that makes it harder to focus and comment effectively), it sounds like this could be a form of escapism for your husband. I would not run for the divorce courts yet. It sounds as if life has been difficult for you and your husband and this could be a way in which he feels that he can have unmet needs fulfilled.

Can you share a little about where you are both at right now? Is this still in the discussion stage or has he met someone?

Hang in there you are not alone and sometimes these phases pass.

Hugs

Sage
 
I've had to face the same decision, as to whether I stay 'for better or worse.' In my case it was continued lies, but still choices XH made in how he was going to behave.

My conclusion, bolstered by a number of devout Christians, was finally that 'for better or worse' means better or worse happening to us, not no matter how badly we willingly treat each other.

The difference being:

I don't cut and run because he loses his job and finances are bad. I don't cut and run because he gets cancer and life is really hard.

I am not, however, obligated to stay with someone who is willfully breaking his vows, who is willfully hurting me by his own decisions and actions; furthermore by actions and decisions he is actively making and pursuing, knowing those actions are hurting me.

I'm sorry, but having romances and sexual relationships outside the marriage IS a willful decision. I understand well that crushes and infatuations happen. But that doesn't mean he needs to pursue them. Pursuing them, and doing so knowing it is hurting you repeatedly, is not only a conscious decision, but a cruel one.

I do not consider divorce, in such a case, to be a failure on my part, or yours. I did everything in my power to save the marriage, to forgive, to work through. XH chose over and over to lie--to marriage counselors, to me, to my family about me, about other women, about money. His actions were harming me as surely as if he were beating me. His actions were endangering our ability to care for our children. (I'll be happy to go into details in PM if it's any help.) That we are divorced is his failure, his choice.

I would say the same for you. You can't control someone else. And you are not obligated to stay with someone who is hurting you. If this is 'failure,' it's failure on his part.
 
Okay, how do you handle intimacy issues after being told your spouse wants other lovers? I didn't want him touching me for a long time after he told me he wants to open our marriage. We had sex for the first time in weeks last night and it was a train wreck. I couldn't stop imagining him with other women, couldn't stop feeling like he'd rather be with other women but I was better than nothing, couldn't get into it and when it was over, I dissolved into tears. If I can't do better than this, he's going to write me off and move on to greener pastures. So how do you battle this?

I can only imagine it will be a thousand times worse when he actually has someone else.
 
Sage,

We're still in the talking stage. He's admitted he's always felt like this, but fought to suppress it. Says the older he gets, the harder he gets. And there is someone he's "smitten" with, but he hasn't done anything.
 
Hey Monomom :)

First of all in my experience of this, which is considerable, 6.5 years, I would not be getting too concerned yet. Easy for me to say? Well actually it is because I have been where you are and I often wished I had not taken my partner's "smitteness" so seriously. Many men have hankerings for other partners or sexual playmates all their lives and never do anything about it because they love their partner and their relationship to a greater degree than they identify with this other desire they have. Chances are extremely high that his smitteness is a one way street and this other woman isn't the slightest bit interested in having a relationship with your husband. It is also reasonably difficult for older men to find satisfying polyamorous relationships.

I know that doesn't take your pain away but it might ease your sense of panic and give you both time to work out what is really going on for him underneath this crush of his.

I'm in a bit of a time crunch so I won't write anymore right now but I hope that helps at least a little.

Hugs Sage
 
From our talks, it doesn't seem like a flash in the pan or mid-life crisis, he just got to the point of having to confess. He's 46, great shape, handsome and very successful in his field. I know a lot of women flirt with him, and a couple of friendships ended because they tried to seduce him. 20+ years, I've never been jealous or insecure because I ALWAYS KNEW he loved me and wouldn't betray me. And in one second, it all blew up. Knowing now he wanted to have sex with them, I feel like an idiot. I know if I release him from his vows, he'll have no problems finding willing women. I just never imagined he'd want to.

The new woman is about 10 years younger, very polished and successful in her own right. Next to her, I look like a tattered old slipper. I understand why he's interested. I'm really thinking cutting my losses before he asks me to leave is the best move.
 
I am sorry you hurt.

Is he asking if you could be wiling to open to him and know the authentic him, listen to his poly feelings? And not just love and know parts of him?

Is he asking if you could be willing to consider opening the marriage?

Or is he hoping for answers to both questions?

Could seek clarification there before making life changing choices. He has asked honestly. You could answer him equally honestly. Then sort it out from there.

It is sad to me that he comes to you honestly with his thoughts and feelings, as a spouse could do. And you prefer he NOT be honest with you about his inner life or what is on his mind. How well do you want to know your spouse? :(

You prefer he tell you he cheated than be honest with you?

You do not have to want to Open or want polyshipping. That is ok and you can say so up front and honestly. I do not hear where you have replied yet.

If after talks you guys find you are mismatched? If he wants to be free to polyship and you do not want to polyship? Then sorting a divorce first is the ethical thing to do.

Are you able to acknowledge that he is being honorable in asking to talk first rather than just up and cheating?

He has not broken any agreements at this point in time. So far it seems to be your own thoughts tormenting you... You are the one doing the "I am less than" comparison thinking and guessing he is thinking those thoughts too. If you need reassurance, you could ask for it. That is better than fear projecting on to him and talking down about you to yourself.

I could be wrong... But you sound like you fear being left. So you rather leave him before he can leave you. That way you are the leaver and do not get left. Is that the main source of fear?

Could counseling help you both navigate this better and decide what you want to do next?

Galagirl
 
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