"I'm not leaving you, I'm leaving poly."

AnnabelMore

AnnabelMore

Active member
My partner of just under a year, Pike, is thinking of ending our relationship, not because of anything to do with us -- things have been great with us -- but because he's not sure he wants to do poly any more. And not because he's naturally monogamous -- he actually seems very well adapted to loving multiple people -- but because he thinks he might have a better shot at long-term happiness if he aimed for monogamy.

He's only ever done monogamy before. After his long marriage ended, we found each other and he accepted my lifestyle (solo poly, a couple of other partners) easily. However, until just a couple of weeks ago, he hadn't had an intimate connection with anyone else while he was with me. The opportunity just hadn't arisen, he's not big on pursuing people, and he knew from talking to others in our big group of friends that some people were turned off or confused by my poly lifestyle.

Then a girl, a casual acquaintance, reached out to him and they started a fling that started to grow feelings fairly quickly. But she says she "doesn't like to share". And even though he's not sure he necessarily wants a serious relationship with her, it's thrown him into a crisis. He wonders whether he'll ever get the chance to date someone else seriously, to maybe find a new primary relationship, which I can't offer him, as long as he's with me.

If he leaves me, he says he won't really be leaving me, he'll be leaving poly.

So, my question is, have you ever said those words to someone? Or have you had them said to you? Any advice?

I don't want to lose him. Not yet. I feel like we still have so much to offer each other, so much exploring and enjoying to do. But I don't want to keep him in a situation that's not best for him either. Is he just being fearful and impatient? Am I just being clingy and short-sighted.

This sucks. :/
 
I've really feared that, being in a relationship with a monogamous man who wants children. We toyed around with the idea of him finding another partner but its a very strong possibility that in the future if he met a woman who would be his legal wife and have his child they would live together full time and he would eventually leave me if she gave him an altimatum. I was very hesitant to continue a relationship with someone who wants a family if I won't meet that need, my insecurity of the future even made me break up with him a couple times because his needs and mine aren't the same. I just didnt want to allow myself to get hurt . I highly doubt he would find a monogamous women who would be ok with him living with me half the time.

So I completely understand where you are coming from.
 
When I started dating my boyfriend, my biggest fear was he'd eventually find another monogamous woman to have a family with someday. However, he's remained staunchly mono with me for almost a year and never waivered on the fact he doesn't want to be a father.

If your guy is uncertain about his long term goals, I think you need to give him space to figure those out.
 
I had this happen to me once, not nearly as serious a relationship as you've had however. And my sympathies! That sounds really painful.

I had a few dates with a cute sexy fun guy, who told me he was interested in poly after having just got out of a mono marriage. I knew he was also interested in another woman, and had had a few dates with her. But soon enough, he told me he was going to go mono with her! I didn't mind terribly as I was polysaturated myself at the time. Also she was closer in age to him and also had a young daughter the same age as his daughter.

But sometimes, I think, people treat us polys as if it's a scenario of banging the town slut until a "good girl" you want to marry comes along. We are good enough to have some fun with for a while, to relieve sexual tension, but not true boyfriend or girlfriend material? Bah!
 
AnnabelMore said:
He wonders whether he'll ever get the chance to date someone else seriously, to maybe find a new primary relationship, which I can't offer him, as long as he's with me.

If he leaves me, he says he won't really be leaving me, he'll be leaving poly.

So, my question is, have you ever said those words to someone? Or have you had them said to you? Any advice?

I don't want to lose him. Not yet. I feel like we still have so much to offer each other, so much exploring and enjoying to do. But I don't want to keep him in a situation that's not best for him either. Is he just being fearful and impatient? Am I just being clingy and short-sighted.
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I've never said those words, but it's absolutely part of why I broke up with XBF. It's absolutely true that as long as I was dating him, my chances of ever meeting someone else for a primary relationship were severely reduced. I'm in no rush to marry, but neither am I willing to sacrifice my entire future and the chance to have a real partnership, in exchange for the limited relationship he offered.

It's very true that I left poly, not him.

No, Pike is not being fearful and impatient. He's being realistic. He's highly unlikely to ever find marriage, which he wants, as long as he dates you. I'm not sure what impatience has to do with it, considering there are almost no women who will marry him under these circumstances. It's not as if he's likely to find such a woman by giving it a little more time.

You say you don't want to lose him 'yet.' When do you want to lose him? When you're through with him? Yes, I do believe you're hanging on to what you want, and no, I don't believe it's best for him. He clearly wants something you have no intention of giving him.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have never experienced this, but could imagine how hurt you feel. (((HUGS)))
 
WhatHappened said:
You say you don't want to lose him 'yet.' When do you want to lose him? When you're through with him? Yes, I do believe you're hanging on to what you want, and no, I don't believe it's best for him. He clearly wants something you have no intention of giving him.
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I was struck by that very same line. "Not yet"? What does that mean? You're not done with him yet so you want him to stick around?

I think some here scoff at the idea that someone could want marriage and monogamy. He's not being impatient at all. He knows that he's not going to get what he wants in life from you and wants to start going after that.
 
I took the "yet" to mean more 'I recognize that our long term goals don't align, but I think we still have a great relationship right now'.

Djinn's other (ex)partner, Alladin, is also mono, and they transitioned to friendship when he had a third date with a mono girl he is interested in and he told Djinn that it had the potential to get serious. Their understanding was always that they would transition back to friendship when that happened, and they did. Dating your partner until he finds someone is possible, and doesn't need to be restrictive, unless he feels it is restrictive.
 
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I have not been directly involved with someone figuring out what they want as Pike is doing. However, SW told me long ago that he is more likely to get the relationship he wants if he dates monogamous women. That there is a larger pool of possible partners was a major part in his calculation. He has been seeing someone monogamously for a couple of years now and seems mostly happy.

I'm sorry. I have no advice. Just that not all meaningful relationships last very long.
 
Hi Annabel,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I think that many poly people fear that their partners - particularly those they don't live with - could eventually meet someone else and 'leave poly for monogamy'.

I understand that you are hurting, and it's completely natural to want to bargain when you're facing a great loss. I was once involved with a married woman, for two years, and though we both knew it would inevitably have to end at some point, I definitely prolonged the relationship and postponed our heartache for as long as I could. I really feel for you.

I do think that Pike is being realistic. While some people do get lucky and do manage to find their own 'primaries' whilst having other partners, other people really struggle. For instance, my girlfriend's 'secondary' (in that he does not live with us and their future is very limited in all arenas but love itself) expresses the same thing. He tells me that even as a hot young 26 year old guy, living in one of the most poly-friendly cities in the US, he's struggling to find that enigmatic 'primary of his own'. He meets monogamous girls, or poly girls who either want to sleep around a lot or already have a primary partner. He really wants someone with whom he can build a real life, as much as he loves my girlfriend. This is important to him, and I don't blame him for that.

Overall, I wouldn't say that Pike's being impatient, nor that you're being clingy. As hard as it is, it is important to put the happiness of those we love to the forefront of our minds. This might be the kind of thing that would have to happen sooner or later. Asking Pike to change his long-term desires is no different to him asking you to become monogamous with him.

On the other hand, it might be comforting and useful to remember that relationships don't have to be set in stone. You could agree to take an indefinite break from one another while he pursues his relationship with his monogamous girl, or other monogamous women. He may discover that what he's looking for isn't there, either.
 
AnnabelMore said:
Is he just being fearful and impatient? Am I just being clingy and short-sighted.

This sucks. :/
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I agree that it totally sucks. Must be horrible to deal with.

From what you have said, it seems to me to be unlikely that Pike is being fearful and impatient. He's had the experience of being in long, mono relationships so he knows what that is like and how he feels about it.

He's been with you for just under a year now - which is a fair length of time. So he knows what being in that style of relationship is like and how he feels about it.

It is also clear from your post that he has been able to speak to a number of people about it and has found that there is a high percentage of people who aren't open to the sort of relationship that you guys have just now.

It sounds like he is being quite thoughtful and considered about it. It just really sucks that you and he's long term goals might be different enough that it makes continuing your relationship as it is impossible.
 
Thank you to everyone who's commented so far. Sparklepop, I especially appreciate being reminded that there are multiple potential ways to deal with a situation like this.

Regarding my use of "not yet" in my original post... I had always known losing him to monogamy was a possibility, but I didn't think it would be so soon. I thought he was still getting over his marriage and wasn't ready to contemplate a new primary yet. I guess I thought I'd have more warning. I suppose I'd imagined losing him to a specific monogamous *person*, someone I could get to know in advance, someone I would hopefully respect and like, someone who I could trust would take good care of his heart. I thought I'd have time to prepare myself to let him go. It was all very naive, in retrospect.

I've been feeling more peaceful about the whole thing. I don't want at all to lose him as my lover, but I'm feeling more like I could accept it without breaking down. I think reading people's frank and clear-eyed assessments of the situation here helped. We're going to see each other tomorrow night and talk more then.
 
Hi AnnabelMore,

Re (from OP):
"Is he just being fearful and impatient?"
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Possibly. But even if he is, it's still his choice to make. He has to live his own life; he should be the one to make the choices about it, and accept the consequences. Polyamory only works if you have complete consent from all the adults involved.

Of course it sucks that he's leaving. You don't want him to leave, and it's perfectly okay to let him know of that reluctance. It's just that you don't want to cast some sort of spell on him to make him think and feel as you do about the situation.

It's hard to find love in this lonely world -- and that's if you're monogamous. It's even harder if you're polyamorous, and hardest of all if you want a poly primary partner. Sure he could give time a chance and maybe he'd get lucky, but that's not where he wants to place his bets right now. I can't say I blame him, although it's a tough call either way.

I do feel bad for you; this can't be an easy thing to go through. And I know you were expecting more time with him, a chance to get to know his new monogamous partner, etc. ... I think from his standpoint he just has better chances of meeting that new monogamous person if his poly ties are already cut. I'm just guessing.

Sounds like you have found some peace regarding this unexpected upheaval, but I'm sure you will need some time to heal. I hope Polyamory.com can (continue to) help with that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I can only add my own experience-- which is that I also left poly (and ended several relationships) because I knew I couldn't find the kind of partnership I wanted while poly.

Among the relationships I ended, was a triad that had been primary-ish. I was the hot bi babe/unicorn/submissive-ish girl with a dominant man/submissive woman relationship, for about 4 years. They lived together. I visited on the weekends.

When I left poly, the man had the most trouble with it. We went to therapy (which helped me really see that I had to end it), and after hearing over and over that I was unhappy, he still tried to bargain, to change my mind.

And while I'm sure a lot of it was about the trauma of a break-up, I still feel... almost angry that he tried to make it so hard to leave. The structure wasn't right for me. I wanted home, partnership, family (and kids), not to be the secondary-ish third. And for other reasons, I just didn't want poly.

I resent the way he acted, and it's kept us from being friends, even years later.

I know it sounds cheesy, but if you love this guy, let him free. Let him pursue happiness that he can't get with you. Maybe it will work out, maybe not, but if he wants a mono partner, he's not going to find her while dating you.

The better you can let go, the easier it will be to maintain a friendship.
 
Hi Annabel,

I'm really glad that you have found some perspective and comfort in what people have said, and that I have helped you to consider alternative options.

You sound like you are reaching a healthy point of processing.

Heartbreak feels so intense when we are going through it, but we know that it passes with time. God, I've had some heart-wrenching breakups, and many of them were not about falling out of love, but about circumstances meaning that we could no longer be together romantically. Those situations can be torturous. They do pass in time and I know that one year from now, you will be ok!!
 
Hi all,

Many thanks for the continuing advice, I appreciate it so much.

Becca, I too have been manipulated into staying in a relationship way past when it should have ended -- when I tried to leave, my partner threatened suicide -- so I 1,000% hear you about making it as easy as possible for him to make the decision that he feels is best for himself. I've continually told him that I'll accept his decision, whatever it is, and that I just want him to be happy, and it's true.

(Also, how could someone expect a weekends-only third partner to satisfied with that indefinitely???? UGH, people...)

Things have taken a rather surprising turn. Pike and I saw each other last night and spent the evening eating, watching Xmas specials, cuddling, and talking. I told him that I saw four options. We could:
- Become just friends.
- Keep everything exactly the same
- Scale back to be more like FWBs, see each other less frequently, be less intense about each other, and plan to split up once he found a mono partner
or
- Get more serious, to try to better meet his needs within the existing relationship.

I know I had said that #4 wasn't an option, that I couldn't offer primacy. And I've been so comfortable being solo for so long that it was very hard to picture myself being that way with someone. But this situation has forced me to think all of that through, and I think I really may be able to offer a relationship that's more integrated into each other's lives.

I don't intend to stop seeing my other partners or to set up any sort of formal hierarchy. And I don't intend to mingle our finances or move in together in the foreseeable future, if ever. But I care about him so much, we're so compatible, that I want to try to move this forward, to proactively offer a relationship in which he feels partnered in a way that's satisfying to him.

Maybe if he meets my parents, is invited to my work holiday party, we see each other on a more regular basis throughout the week instead of just on dates, he's made aware and has a chance to give input before I get involved with anyone new (which I'm not planning to do, I'm seriously saturated, but in theory) stuff like that, it will be enough, especially if he does eventually find another partner who's cool with poly. Or maybe not. Neither of us is sure.

We didn't commit to anything firm. But he listened to me and is thinking about it, and it seemed to me that we both felt very relieved to be close and comfortable together again. Things don't seem to be working out with the girl who wanted monogamy, so there's some time for us to think this through, maybe give option #4 a try.

We'll see. And we'll both be ok, either way.
 
That sounds hopeful. May you and Pike both find a dynamic with each other that feels right for you.
 
AnnabelMore, thanks for validating that-- I feel like a jerk sometimes for having resentment around that, so... thanks.

It sounds like you're dealing with this in the best ways. Keep your compass steady (stay true to yourself), but sometimes exploring some uncharted waters can be incredibly rewarding.
 
Becca said:
I can only add my own experience-- which is that I also left poly (and ended several relationships) because I knew I couldn't find the kind of partnership I wanted while poly.

Among the relationships I ended, was a triad that had been primary-ish. I was the hot bi babe/unicorn/submissive-ish girl with a dominant man/submissive woman relationship, for about 4 years. They lived together. I visited on the weekends.

When I left poly, the man had the most trouble with it. We went to therapy (which helped me really see that I had to end it), and after hearing over and over that I was unhappy, he still tried to bargain, to change my mind.

And while I'm sure a lot of it was about the trauma of a break-up, I still feel... almost angry that he tried to make it so hard to leave. The structure wasn't right for me. I wanted home, partnership, family (and kids), not to be the secondary-ish third. And for other reasons, I just didn't want poly.

I resent the way he acted, and it's kept us from being friends, even years later.

I know it sounds cheesy, but if you love this guy, let him free. Let him pursue happiness that he can't get with you. Maybe it will work out, maybe not, but if he wants a mono partner, he's not going to find her while dating you.

The better you can let go, the easier it will be to maintain a friendship.
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So many truths in here, much like my own experience.

I was with XBF for two years. I tried repeatedly to back away from the relationship--every six months, to be exact. I enjoyed his company, but I saw the problems with poly and that I clearly was never going to have a real and full relationship with him. I also started to see that as long as I was with him, I was far less likely to meet anyone else, either.

He made it so difficult for me to leave, begging, pleading, wanting to know what he could do to make it better, etc., that I kept staying with him. Of course, I didn't want to leave HIM, which gave him a real advantage. But he and I both knew I was in a dead end, giving up my life and future for someone who was never going to really be there for me. But he wanted to be with me, so he made it very hard for me to end it.

It's been nearly a year since I finally broke up with him, and in truth, he's still making it hard. He keeps finding one thing after another to try to pull me back in, in any way he can.

What I see is a poly man more interested in 'getting his needs met' than in what's good for me. (His wife has no interest in anything he does, except bring her a paycheck so she doesn't have to work. So he keeps coming to me to talk about his rough day at work, or his successes there, or his outside interests, and deeper thoughts, etc.) But when the chips are down, he's still going to take care of her needs, not mine. If she needs a light bulb replaced, he'll take time off work and run. If my house burns down, he'll send me a text saying, "You'll be fine, baby. You always make things work. I admire you so much."

[Thanks, can you bring me dinner tonight, I'm up to my neck in cleaning the debris and haven't eaten in three days? Uh, no, sorry, baby, I have to clean the apartment so wife can have sex here with another man tonight, she's too busy getting a facial and nails done to be ready for him, but I'm thinking of you....]

Yet he won't stop e-mailing and let me go. And when I tell Mr. Great Communicator and Honesty how these things feel, he simply disappears and ignores it.

Like Becca, I'm becoming very turned off, and losing even the respect and friendship I still felt for him. It's turning to outright disgust and a feeling that he's a self-centered coward, and nothing like what he portrayed himself and how he sold me the idea that poly could work.
 
WhatHappened said:
S
What I see is a poly man more interested in 'getting his needs met' than in what's good for me. (His wife has no interest in anything he does, except bring her a paycheck so she doesn't have to work. So he keeps coming to me to talk about his rough day at work, or his successes there, or his outside interests, and deeper thoughts, etc.) But when the chips are down, he's still going to take care of her needs, not mine. If she needs a light bulb replaced, he'll take time off work and run. If my house burns down, he'll send me a text saying, "You'll be fine, baby. You always make things work. I admire you so much."
Click to expand...

I think that's the truth that us people that have tried people and gone back to monogamy have realized. When the chips are down there will always be a choice. He/she may choose you and he/she may not. You're always good enough for something, whether it be the sex partner or the shoulder to cry on but you're rarely good enough for everything.
 
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