KT's Blog

[KatTails]

Compersion is real and once you feel it you recognize it. But again it hinges on genuine concern for the people involved and acceptance for what they have...all of them. You can fake being nice to someone externally but you can't fake compersion because compersion is something that you feel internally. Once you feel it it influences how you feel about your partner's partner. It makes you act out of concern for what they have...it is essentially an extension of your love through your partner into their partner. When you do that there is only fulfillment and joy, not hurt and emptiness.

If all people can't come together and face the relationship, compersion is unobtainable from my perspective. As always it comes down to what you want. If you want deep integration, family inclusion and openness...expect to work and strive for compersion...otherwise I believe you are merely prolonging pain that would best be dealt with sooner than later.

Mono - as always, wonderfully worded! When you put it this way - maybe I am actually closer to compersion than I thought. Two weekends ago - my DH and Morningglory were having some problems. About midnight - he told me he would be right back and he went out to his truck to talk her on the phone for a while. I sent him a text telling him that if he needed to go see her that it was ok because I was going to bed anyway. He came in the house, held me in bed for a while until I asked him if he needed to go see her - he said he did. I felt really good that I was able to recognize that they needed to work something out, and that I was totally ok sending him off to go see her to do just that. He came home an hour later, happy, relieved to have smoothed things out with her, and very appreciative of me for being able to give that to him. I had no idea that was compersion. I don't always feel that MG would do the same thing for me - but I am hoping that we will get there.

What frustrates me is that I can feel that way every once in a while - but I can't seem to sustain it for very long before something happens and I have another melt down. There are days where I feel I can't deal with this pain anymore and want to give up. I need to find a way to hold on to those positivie feelings for as long as I can. It is a huge learning process! As hard as this is - I know that it is worth the struggles and in the end - all will be great!

Thanks - Kat

 

[redpepper]

KT that is compersion! yay!

It is sustainable more and more it seems. It takes practice. It becomes a way of life and gives so much back!

good for you!

Mono- I had to laugh at your fish tank analogy: I am so the crazy bucket race to the finish and he (and BF) are a lot more let it settle before we continue.

This analogy can also be seen another way....by how Nerdist sees it... when we fill our boys wading pool. We call it his outside bath actually, because we run buckets of hot water out to it and fill the rest with cold water from the tap... he slowly fills it with hose water and I run in and out with hot water in buckets... it fills, and we do it together, but we always do it this way. There needs to be a good balance of hot and cold so as to not burn our boy, or make him cold. But it gets filled and we do it together.

 

[KatTails]

Maca, LR and GG - thank you so much for opening yourselves up as much as you have. Right now, 2r, MG and I are in a very similar situation - and it blew up between 2r and I today. I don't know if we'll be able to fix this. It helps to see we are not alone. I reached out to MG and asked her to talk to and help him through this. I'm the biggest part of the problem so I can't help him right now. As much as it hurts me - I'm glad he has her to lean on right now.

Good luck Maca, LR and GG. I hope you guys can work this out!

Kat

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm the biggest part of the problem so I can't help him right now.

No offence Kattails but....knock this shit off. Thinking this way will only perpetuate the issues that are causing the problem. If you decide you are the biggest part of the problem then you will become that. You're simply human with emotions, needs and wants. You are not a problem in your realtionship, you are a factor in it. The equation is the sum total of all the factors. Coming to a mutually healthy and beneficial answer is the goal...the problem is in how to achieve that.

Peace and Love
Mono

 

[KatTails]

No offence Kattails but....knock this shit off. Thinking this way will only perpetuate the issues that are causing the problem. If you decide you are the biggest part of the problem then you will become that. You're simply human with emotions, needs and wants. You are not a problem in your realtionship, you are a factor in it. The equation is the sum total of all the factors. Coming to a mutually healthy and beneficial answer is the goal...the problem is in how to achieve that.

Mono - as always I appreciate your honesty. My husband, 2rings, has told me many times that all of this fighting we are doing is my fault. He has said that if our marriage ends, its not because he doesn't love me, but because he just can't fight with me anymore, or because I give up. He thinks that this can be great, that we can be happy and continue to have a warm, loving, till death do us part marriage - IF I can get over my jealousies, insecurities, doubts, mistrusts - accept Morningglory and move on. They want to move forward, I'm having a hard time wanting the same thing. I'm still stuck on the fact that this isn't what I wanted from my life or my marriage. I accept they are in love, but the future they want, is not what I want right now. I'm trying to get there - unfortunately, he doesn't believe or see that I am trying as hard as I am. He thinks that I crave this drama, that I would rather have negative attention than none, that I meltdown on purpose and that I am crazy and neurotic. He thinks that I look for things to be mad about. He doesn't think I have the ability to be happy with this new relationship. He thinks that I like playing the victim to get attention. When you hear something again and again - you start believing it. I know he will probably jump on me for not presenting both sides, so here goes: He tells me all the time that he loves me, wants to raise our children with me, wants to be married to me for life - but for some reason I have moments of disbelief or doubt. I frustrate him immensely! I do have MANY issues to deal with and work through - I'm not saying I am completely sane. I see a therapist once a week and her and I are working on my low self-esteem. I have cried more this hear than in my whole life combined, However, I am not a victim - I have made choices every step of the way. I am owning that.

MG and I have had our share of problems and disagreements. But I have no doubt that the love her and I both have for 2rings will get us through our issues. We texted a lot today and got a lot of issues worked out. Our goal is to work on feeling compersion, while keeping him out of the middle.

The fighting, crying, late night talks are wearing both of us out. He needs to learn to be more patient and understanding, and I need to learn to not "sweat the small stuff."

I can't keep my eyes open - so I am going to say goodnight. I hope I have cleared up my previous post. But mono - I do agree with you.

Baby - if I misrepresented you, MG or myself - I know you will chime in. I don't want to assume that I know what you are thinking - I am basing this post off of things you have said to me today and in texts.

Thank you - Kat

 

[LovingRadiance]

Kat-

Please take this suggestion-
Go get the book "The Seven Levels of Intimacy".
It's by far the best self-help book I've EVER read-and I read them ALL of the time.

Something to consider-

THIS is your life.
The question isn't what did you want for your life?

The question is can you want what you HAVE?

Greengecko quoted the sheryl crow song-hell if I know which one it is-ask him, he always knows music shit.

But it's the dead honest truth,

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got..."

If you went deaf-people would tell you that you have to just accept THIS is your life.

If you became a quadraplegic-same thing.

You are married to a man who loves you AND SOMEONE ELSE-same thing.

It's not about what COULD have been my dear.
It's about WHAT CAN BE NOW.

You can spend a lifetime miserable dreaming about what COULD'VE BEEN (song called that too actually).

OR

You can spend the rest of your life enjoying what you have to it's fullest.

There are ALWAYS difficulties in ANY life, in ANY dynamic. Nothing is PERFECT.

But where you put your focus is what you will create more of.
Do you want to create more negativity and misery or do you want to create more positivity and happiness for yourself???

Don't get me wrong-I'm not saying this because I'm poly.

This is how I deal with my WHOLE life-and I've got plenty of parts to my life that.... aren't what I dreamed that they would be.

I had a full scholarship to West Point... but I got pregnant.
I never wanted kids.... but I have 4.
I was never going to marry a man who had been married before.... but I fell in love with a man who did.
I was going to travel the world... but I can't afford it.

I could focus on those things.

OR

I can focus on the fact that I'm training for the Ironman triathalon, I raised one of 4 kids to adulthood and she's doing GREAT. I have 3 more kids who EVERYONE adores that are smart, independent, compassionate, responsible, respectful and respectable. I have a husband who adores me. I have a boyfriend who adores me. Both of whom are doing their damn best to learn to love as a VERB and not a noun. Both of whom are devoted to our family and learning to be devoted to one another as well.


TOTALLY different life then I dreamed of, but it's wonderful in it's own right-EVEN THOUGH it has hardships.

The truth is-that if I had gone to West Point, right now I might be dead in Iraq.

The truth is that if you don't want what you have-you will have to give up the man you love.

It's that simple.

Either you accept him for who he REALLY is-which means embracing the WHOLE kit and kaboodle.

OR

You don't-which means losing the WHOLE kit and kaboodle......

 

[NeonKaos]

I'm wondering what happened to the principle of "in a poly relationship, things should progress according to the pace of the slowest person" or however it was phrased.


Anyone else here remember that? I think this is something redpepper et al use as a general rule of thumb. I realize that "my poly is not your poly" and "there is no one right way to do poly", but why is it that people seem to be telling KT that she needs to hurry and keep up with 2R and MG, instead of people telling MG and 2R that they need to slow down and wait for KT to catch up? After all, MG has clearly stated that she wants things to "move quickly", so there is no assumption being made about this on my part.

 

[KatTails]

Thanks Ygirl for moving my posts here. I felt bad hijacking Macas thread but I wanted to reply to Mono.

The whole problem of our V dynamic is that each of the three couples involved: 2rings and myself, 2rings and MG and MG and her DH - all want different things. 2rings and I want to stay married, raise our children together and spend the rest of our lives together. 2rings and MG want their relationship to grow and become what it can. MG's husband doesn't want to be a part of a poly relationship. He doesn't want to know details of her relationship with 2rings nor does he want to know who her lover is. There are 3 different dynamics. Actually, there are 4 - the relationship that MG and I are working on. MG's husband and 2rings don't have a relationship (they've met but aren't friends.) Will that change? I don't know. What I do know is that 2rings and MG are planning a future that her DH and I can either accept and be happy with what we do have or not accept and divorce. I'm sorry - I just don't see how this is fair. This is what I am struggling with.

Originally posted by Ygirl - - - I'm wondering what happened to the principle of "in a poly relationship, things should progress according to the pace of the slowest person" or however it was phrased.

Anyone else here remember that? I think this is something redpepper et al use as a general rule of thumb. I realize that "my poly is not your poly" and "there is no one right way to do poly", but why is it that people seem to be telling KT that she needs to hurry and keep up with 2R and MG, instead of people telling MG and 2R that they need to slow down and wait for KT to catch up? After all, MG has clearly stated that she wants things to "move quickly", so there is no assumption being made about this on my part.

They have tried to take things slow for the past year - but 2rings is feeling alot of anger and resentment at the restrictions I have asked for to make this easier for me. They are: I do not want him to bring her to our house, I have asked them not to have anal sex (btw - we are all fluid bonded) as it is something I want kept between him and I (he resents this more than anything and tells me that he is honoring that for now but that it will eventually happen) and I've asked, not banned as MG previously posted, that they be very careful about where they go together in and around our neighborhood because I'm not ready for people to know and I'm worried that someone from our kids small Catholic school, in which we are very active, will see and rumors will spread. Lastly, Im not ready for her to meet our friends and family as a friend of ours, but I am working on understanding why I'm not comfortable with this. I don't think those are unreasonable. He does.

Since the beginning of this he has been understanding, compassionate, sensitive, and careful of my feelings. Now, a year later, he is angry and fed up with my misery, sick of me getting hurt and upset over the smallest things, sick of the meltdowns I have and resentful of my restrictions. We are fighting more than ever. Where before I had no doubt we would be together forever and divorce was not an issue, now - he has given me the ultimatum to "stop this shit," stop the drama, stop the negative attitude, stop the fighting or he's done with our marriage. He is no longer willing to help me through this. He's exhausted and worn out from all of our fighting. I have a huge decision to make and I'm scared to death.

2r and MG - please feel free to comment. You both always say that my posts are skewed or misleading - if you feel that way about this one - please say so. I'm writing from my perspective - yours will no doubt differ.

Also to be fair - I am not a victim, I am not a martyr, I have made mistakes, I have done things that are hurtful to both 2rings and MG - though unintentionally. I have betrayed their trust. I have looked at texts between them on his cell phone as recently as last week. I know it's wrong, I know it's a violation of their privacy and I have explained why I do it and I have apologized to both of them. I have melted down. I have made catty comments. I own everything I've done. There are no secrets - they know everything. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have a hard time hiding when something hurts me.

LR - I will get that book. Thanks for the suggestion. Despite what 2rings thinks - I am trying to become a better, more stable person. I work and struggle daily on my self-analysis and introspection. I am trying to learn about the poly mind and how it works.

Thanks Kat

 

[redpepper]

Wow KT, its going down fast it seems. This boat that is your relationship. It sounds like you are not going to be ever be okay in this. Maybe its time to really go with what you gut is saying and either start bailing or abandon ship.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm with Redpepper on this. I'd say it's time to start looking after your personal future. Sorry, but if MG's partner is that disconnected from this, and this is not what you want or can find peace with, I'd say it's time to look at doing what is healthy for you in the long run. Things change as do the people in our lives.

 

[redpepper]

I would like to suggest this has made you into someone you are not liking.

 

[rolypoly]

It's not about what COULD have been my dear.
It's about WHAT CAN BE NOW.

You can spend a lifetime miserable dreaming about what COULD'VE BEEN (song called that too actually).

OR

You can spend the rest of your life enjoying what you have to it's fullest.

There are ALWAYS difficulties in ANY life, in ANY dynamic. Nothing is PERFECT.

Where were you when I was in my 20s!

 

[NeonKaos]

I would like to suggest this has made you into someone you are not liking.

This is how I try to judge my relationships (but not necessarily while I'm involved with that particular person!) - do I like myself when I am with this person? Since we can't change other people, only ourselves, this is the question that needs to be asked.

When we are trying to be a certain way or change who we are because of something someone else wants and not because it is what WE want (the "royal we"), no good can come of that.

If you like who you are when you are with the other person, it is PROBABLY a healthy relationship, and when you don't, it is probably NOT healthy.

 

[LovingRadiance]

.......
but why is it that people seem to be telling KT that she needs to hurry and keep up with 2R and MG, instead of people telling MG and 2R that they need to slow down and wait for KT to catch up? After all, MG has clearly stated that she wants things to "move quickly", so there is no assumption being made about this on my part.

Not my intent at all Ygirl. (I didn't read to see what anyone else said yet)...

My point (I think I noted that my advice wasn't strictly poly related) was that we have to decide where we are going to go with our life-then we just have to go.

If we fight it-then we aren't fighting the other person-and how fast they want to travel, we're fighting ourself.

What caught my eye in Kats post wasn't the SPEED she wants to go-it's that she DOESN'T want to go there.

If she really DOES NOT want to go there, then she is on the wrong road all together and speed isn't the issue at all.

On the other hand, if she DOES want to go there, then the best gift she can give HERSELF (not her husband or MG) is to "just do it".

Either way there will be good AND BAD things that happen. But focusing on the bad things in EITHER direction will only create more frustration and pain for HER.

If on the other hand she makes her decision and then chooses to go with it 100%, it won't matter WHICH decision she chooses-it will go better for her.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Thanks Ygirl for moving my posts here. I felt bad hijacking Macas thread but I wanted to reply to Mono.

I can honestly say-Maca doesn't mind the hijack. So many similarities in your emotions now and what his were. It's good to see that he's not alone AND it's good to see how far he's come too.

The whole problem of our V dynamic is that each of the three couples involved: 2rings and myself, 2rings and MG and MG and her DH - all want different things.

YES! This can be a huge problem. It isn't NECESSARILY a huge problem. It depends on if what is wanted is COMPATIBLE. You don't have to want the SAME things-but you do need to have COMPATIBLE goals.
I said somewhere-my sister and I are VERY different. But we are also VERY compatible. Our differences complement each other nicely. The key to resolving the conflict in your situation (if it's going to be resolved) is going to be in finding COMPATIBLE goals.
In this case (and most) it's going to require CREATIVITY. The book that RP's husband suggested Maca read (Living Happily Ever After) addresses this IN DEPTH. The need for us to be creatively adapative in order to do best for OUR OWN SELF. That is also a great book-but it's not as easy a read. A lot more.... complicated writing.

2rings and I want to stay married, raise our children together and spend the rest of our lives together.

GREAT! This IS VERY possible and can be possible in a poly dynamic even.

2rings and MG want their relationship to grow and become what it can.

This is vague. Needs to be a bit more specific in order to allow for less discomfort for you AND them. When one says "what it can" it leaves the idea that it MIGHT be wanted for it to become MORE than what exists for others already.
I wonder if this might be PART of your anxst? That you don't know what they REALLY are aiming for?

It IS possible for them to have a great, dynamic, intimate and enjoyable relationship without f'ing up what you have identified as your and 2rings desire for your relationship.
But it needs to be identified as to how and what they want AND how it fits with what you and he already have...

MG's husband doesn't want to be a part of a poly relationship.

..... please don't think I'm being catty. I'm not. BUT-doesn't much matter if he doesn't want to or not at this point-he IS part of a poly relationship....
THIS is what I was talking about earlier. It is TOTALLY counterproductive to the SELF to WANT one thing and DO another. It leaves a person fighting themselves and their own progress to being the best version of themself that they can be.

It is totally ok to not want a poly relationship.
It is totally ok to want a poly relationship.
It is NOT functional to try to DO both.....
Just makes yourself (and everyone else) miserable.

He doesn't want to know details of her relationship with 2rings nor does he want to know who her lover is.

That may be do-able. It wouldn't be for me, but some people do this and it works fine. Again, details come in to play-but it could be done.

What I do know is that 2rings and MG are planning a future that her DH and I can either accept and be happy with what we do have or not accept and divorce. I'm sorry - I just don't see how this is fair. This is what I am struggling with.

Again-NOT being catty here.
Kat-life is not fair. It never has been, it's not likely it ever will be. It's NOT fair that you should be told "my way or the highway" in life. BUT-it happens ALL of the time in our lives in millions of areas. It's part of living with other people.
If we want to entertwine our lives with others, then we aren't going to get to do things "our way" all of the time. Some things may go perfectly our way. Some things will go perfectly NOT our way. Some things will fall somewhere in between.
You *general you here* can't choose what anyone else wants for their life or what they will do for their life. Nor can they choose for you.
All you can do is decide if the path you are on is the one you WANT TO BE ON. There are pros and there are cons for each fork in the road. You are at a fork in the road. You can keep your husband AS HE IS (which means having his girlfriend too) or you can NOT keep your husband and choose a different path for your life that won't include dealing with his girlfriend.

If you look at it a little different-it is fair. (please just listen).
We EACH get to choose our path. His choice is the same as yours. He can be true to himself-and possibly lose you or he can NOT be true to himself and possibly lose you.
You can be true to yourself-and possibly lose him or you can NOT be true to yourself and possibly lose him.
IF either of you chooses to not be true to yourself-you may lose one another, but you will DEFINITELY lose yourselves...

Does that make sense?

They have tried to take things slow for the past year - but 2rings is feeling alot of anger and resentment at the restrictions I have asked for to make this easier for me.

Notation here-have you two identified these restrictions as PERMANENT or as temporary? Because if they are temporary-they need to have a timeline for readdressing each of them.
If they are permanent-then it seems OBVIOUS that this isn't going to work. Permanent rules in a relationship only work if both parties are agreeable to them. If he's feeling anger and resentment, he isn't agreeable to them.

There were rules made for our boundary list that were temporary that I knew I could not live with FOREVER. But for getting started I could-and I did.
There are others that some people could not live with forever, but I can (one is I don't have anal sex with anyone but Maca). I can easily agree to that limitation for MY OWN REASONS-therefore it's a rule I agreed to readily. It has the dual impact of making Maca feel more secure-but that wasn't why I could agree to it.
In order for a rule to work well as a permanent or long term rule-both parties have to be comfortable with it...
Also-rules need to be re-addressed regularly to ensure that they are actually purposeful and HEALTHY. Rules should be in place for the safety of the parties involved, not in order to continue placating unhealthy emotions or behaviors...

If someone is afraid of the dark-it's fine to have a nightlight, but they should also FOR THEIR OWN BEST INTERESTS get help and resolve their fear of the dark. As an example..


Just to help you see my meaning, I'll break out your rules...

I do not want him to bring her to our house,

Ok, why? What is the functional purpose behind this rule? How does this protect the people involved. What is the healthy purpose of this rule? What is the unhealthy purpose of this rule?

I have asked them not to have anal sex

Same questions.

that they be very careful about where they go together in and around our neighborhood

The following answers some of the questions and is a good start.

because I'm not ready for people to know and I'm worried that someone from our kids small Catholic school, in which we are very active, will see and rumors will spread.

Im not ready for her to meet our friends and family as a friend of ours,

Same questions (which you note you are working on figuring out)

I don't think those are unreasonable. He does.

THIS is where the breakdown in your boundary list is. ALL parties have to agree to the boundary list. Most often it's easier to agree to something you normally wouldn't want/like/prefer, IF you know the full on reason why.
This is one of those times when in order to have a functional poly relationship its IMPERATIVE to take time to REALLY communicate and be honest with oneself.

It's imperative to identify what each of your goals is.
It's imperative to identify if they can co-exist.
It's imperative to identify what road you will take to get on board with one another (if you will).

It won't work if you are both pulling in opposite directions. You're just going to tear apart what you already have doing that. In order to broaden what you have-you have to work together, and work hard.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Since the beginning of this he has been understanding, compassionate, sensitive, and careful of my feelings. Now, a year later, he is angry and fed up with my misery, sick of me getting hurt and upset over the smallest things, sick of the meltdowns I have and resentful of my restrictions.

Just for a moment-consider it this way ok? (I'm NOT judging-just trying to give you some more perspective).
IF your child were having an issue with ever being around other people (assuming it's NOT a medical problem) and you spent a year consciously, pointedly and enigmatically dealing with this issue compassionately, sensitively and careful of their feelings. But they didn't move on.
How would you feel?

We are fighting more than ever. Where before I had no doubt we would be together forever and divorce was not an issue, now - he has given me the ultimatum to "stop this shit," stop the drama, stop the negative attitude, stop the fighting or he's done with our marriage. He is no longer willing to help me through this. He's exhausted and worn out from all of our fighting. I have a huge decision to make and I'm scared to death.

You do have a huge decision to make. Being scared to death is reasonable. But the detail you seem to be missing(SEEM to be-might not be) is that the issue isn't that you have a huge decision to make suddenly. The issue is that you've HAD a huge decision to make and instead of making it you have been sitting on the fence for a year.

Don't get me wrong Kat-I UNDERSTAND how scary it is to make such a HUGE decision and I can understand how sitting on the fence would feel safer. I also understand how when something like this-that you never CONSIDERED A POSSIBILITY before happens-you might need some time to sit on the fence and catch your breath. A lot like a guy who gets kicked in the nuts just has to lay there in a ball for a little bit because they can't BREATHE, much less decide how to get up.

In fact-I asked Maca to give it 6 months. Just watch, wait, learn and see.

BUT-even during that first 6 months-he had to face up to what HIS issues were. Obviously (you saw his thread and you can go see mine too) they aren't all SOLVED. But he's identifying them and CLAIMING them as his issue. That "claiming" means that he isn't free to create rules for GG and I because of those issues. He has to look at the issue and ask for help dealing with it-not protecting it with a rule.
We have rules in place that we all agree to for OUR protection. Like we agreed it's ok for us to be fluid bonded-but none of us can take another lover without prior notification-because we ARE all fluid bonded-and it's not SAFE to take that risk.
But rules that are just there to protect one persons insecurities are really holding that person back from their own growth-so they aren't kept-because they aren't healthy.

2r and MG - please feel free to comment. You both always say that my posts are skewed or misleading - if you feel that way about this one - please say so. I'm writing from my perspective - yours will no doubt differ.

Just a suggestion for all of you. Drop the words "always", "never", "should" from your vocabulary.
They are argumentative, hostile words that are generally abused in conversation. They RARELY promote good, healthy, productive communication. Most often they promote defensiveness, arguments and backsliding.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have a hard time hiding when something hurts me.

There shouldn't be hidden hurt in a relationship anyway. The key is to find the PRODUCTIVE way to express it my friend. It's not healthy or productive to hide it. You have to express it-look at Maca's thread, the whole battle was about each of the guys keeping those hurts to themselves, which causes MORE problems and headache for me.
The meltdowns do need to stop. The catty attitude too.
But not at the expense of honest and open expression.
You need healthy alternatives!
You need to ask that counselor for some healthy methods to express hurt, anger, anxiety etc.
THEN you need to practice them. SERIOUSLY-stand in a mirror and practice them EVERY DAY. Because unless you practice-they won't come to mind in the heat of the moment.

LR - I will get that book. Thanks for the suggestion. Despite what 2rings thinks - I am trying to become a better, more stable person. I work and struggle daily on my self-analysis and introspection. I am trying to learn about the poly mind and how it works.

The BEST thing you can do for YOU is to work on being the best version of you that you can be in every moment.

EVERY decision you have to make this week, ask yourself-which of these options is going to promote me being the best version of myself?
THEN take that option no matter what.
See how you feel after a week.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Where were you when I was in my 20s!

Well my dear-don't know for sure how old you are. But I've been stuck in Alaska since 1978. So PROBABLY-in Alaska!

But I can assure you-I wasn't this clear-headed for most of those years!

 

[KatTails]

Wow. I'm overwhelmed right now with all of this. I truly appreciate all of your advice and opinions. The insight you all have is amazing. I need to read them all a few times again, sit on it for awhile, then I will respond. It's been a very emotional few days and I need to take a break for a few hours. 2rings and I are taking the kids bowling tonight - we need this family time as a reminder of what we have to lose. I'll try to respond tonight.

Kat

 

[LovingRadiance]

HAVE FUN BOWLING!!!

Seriously-I wrote it in caps on purpose.

HAVE FUN!

Having fun is an integral part of a healthy relationship!

SO HAVE FUN!

 

[Morningglory629]

I have no idea where to begin on this one. I believe LR pretty much covered it. We do need a timeline and that is something 2R and I (mostly I) have asked for over the last 3 or 4 months because 1) I am a list maker so it helps me organize and stay on task; and 2) there needs to be some motivating factor for KT in real acceptance and moving things forward (both of her relationships need it)- indefinite is causing GREAT resentment.

Mono my husband is making a choice to stay out of a romantic relationship with anyone else right now, and isn't ready to build a friendship with 2R and neither is 2R. They can move at their own pace and since P is not making any restrictions on either 2R or myself it has not been a real issue. KT is very unsure about connecting with P too at this time. I am wishing for all of them to reach out and move forward. I am the only one pushing for that right now. And though I understand your pov it is our poly relationship and I hope none of these people EVER leave my life. And I usually like change!

KT-I hope cancelling my plans to see 2R this week helped you both work through some of these things especially last night, and I hope bowling night was a relaxing family night today. You both needed it. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is never the problem- the constant meltdowns are. We are all worn down from this. As I have talked with you on numerous occasions it does bother me that you need to read our texts, it is like reading someone's letters or diary. But I understand you are really trying to work on that. It's a process.

RP- I haven't had a chance to read through all of your posts but Mono/Nerdist do not seem to be as resistant to accepting your life choices as KT is, so it is a little tough to follow some of your advice because we are treading much more lightly, and going as slow as we possibly can and trying to be as careful and considerate as possible. This has been a tumultuous year to say the least. I have to research Mono's story a bit more. but I think you are quite the idealist and I like that. Keep tutoring me on exploring this new phase of my life..I need it. You too GS and MidSun!

LR- I agree with you on most things and always read the progression of your's and Maca's and GG's relationship.

Again KT, I wish some of the things said were kept between us (the 4 of us) but I am starting to see that may be too much to ask. I truly hope you are getting the support and guidance you need on here.

2R can't wait to see your post.