partner went to an orgy without me on vday

[metandwessy]

I don’t even consider myself sentimental but for some reason, Vday is still a big deal to me when I’m in a relationship. Maybe it’s how I grew up. I always saw my dad make an extra effort for my mom every Valentine’s day and he still sends me something sweet too. I think there’s something truly beautiful about having one day out of the year where we collectively remember to SHOW our love for the people in our lives. Sure, we shouldn’t NEED a consumer holiday to do it but I think it helps to have it in our group think and encourage each other to do it at least one day out of the year.

My partner and I have been radically practicing clearly stating what we want and need. It’s easy to make assumptions and I’ve been guilty of wanting my partner to do something, not telling him and then getting mad when he didn’t read my mind. I’m getting better though I swear!

So this year as Vday approached, I literally said, “hunny bunny, I want to do something special together on Valentine’s day”. He laughed and agreed.

I think that’s why I was so butthurt when my partner decided to attend an orgy rather than hang out with me on Valentine’s day.

Some have asked why I didn’t go with him? Good question! Whelp, I wasn’t allowed. For once in the history of orgies, there were “too many women” says the female organizer of the event… ;P

Ok so of course, we could have planned something for another day because there was this event happening on Vday that he REEEEEALLLY wanted to go to. And I agreed. And rationally, it truly does make sense. But the heart is not always rational and I have to admit, I was hurt.

But because this was literally a dream come true for him to be invited to an orgy with a bunch of new sexual partners, there really was nothing I could say that would change his mind about attending. I should mention that this certainly wasn’t the first and probably won’t be the last orgy that has happened in our relationship.

I told him how I felt and he said he wished I could just be supportive and be happy for him. So I worked on that. Because that is who I want to be. I would love to not have felt let down that my partner wanted to go fuck other people on a day that I ashamedly put a lot of stock into. Trust me I’d love that! But fuck, it’s hard.

So a week or so went by and I didn’t really think about it. I even remember thinking how many more important things I have to think about rather than one evening that my partner is choosing to do something without me.

But then the day arrived and I was full of expectations. I tried not to be. I tried to remember all of the things I mentioned earlier about how it’s just a stupid holiday, we can do something another day, tried to remember a lot of the ways he does show me consideration and appreciation. But if I’m honest, I felt really slighted.

I wanted to sit at home and sulk but instead I got all dolled up and went out to a friend’s party. I had a great night laughing and playing strip jenga with good friends. I didn’t even think about what my partner was up to or that I didn’t have my lover with me for Valentine’s day. I even felt a lot of joy and compersion when I saw the other couples at the party loving up on each other. It was quite beautiful!

If nothing else, this experienced helped me confirm for myself what is appropriate to expect, how to cope when my expectations aren’t met and how to take care of myself when I need a little extra love. I think next year, I’ll just be my own valentine and make sure I plan something really cute for myself regardless of my relationship status.I'm just wondering though, does this seem particularly inconsiderate or am I overreacting and not being a supportive open partner? How would you guys feel if you were in my place?

 

[Inyourendo]

Id be pretty ticked about him ditching me after agreeing to a date too. It says "I'll spend time with you unless something better comes along" feels pretty shitty.

 

[laerhk]

Word. I totally would be pissed too, even if I still managed to have fun of my own.

 

[FallenAngelina]

.....does this seem particularly inconsiderate or am I overreacting and not being a supportive open partner? How would you guys feel if you were in my place?

Inconsiderate?
I don't know what could possibly be perceived as inconsiderate here other than your partner's decision to attend a pretty intense sexual experience without you on an important day. Valentine's Day is about love and it's a perfectly normal expectation to be with your romantic love partner on that day. Be that as it may, I'm amazed and impressed with your self possession to go and have a fabulous evening separately from him.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you hurt.

Let me summarize what I understand. You correct me if I am wrong, ok? There was a lot to read.

• You asked him out for vday and he agreed. Vday is a big deal to you.
  
• Then he asked if it could be moved because he wanted to attend an event on vday.
  
• You agreed to move the date. (This is behaving like vday is NOT a big deal to you. Here I would have told him "no.")
  
• Then you felt hurt when he went to the event rather than be with you on vday.
  

I would suggest saying "no" next time from the start. See if being more honest serves you better and skips the back and forth thing that seemed to happen there.

He could keep his own Word and not be asking to shift things around after promising. There are other orgies. If it were me I would be annoyed with him for that. This was not a medical reason or emergency reason to move or break a date.

But I also see where you could do better with your own Word being more clear. Say NO when something matters a lot to you. If it were me I would be annoyed with me for not doing that.

I've been guilty of wanting my partner to do something, not telling him and then getting mad when he didn’t read my mind.

So before you tell him no data, want him to guess, and get mad.

Now you tell him false data, want him to guess, and get mad?

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

I would suggest saying "no" next time. See if being more honest serves you better.

Ok so of course, we could have planned something for another day because there was this event happening on Vday that he REEEEEALLLY wanted to go to. And I agreed. And rationally, it truly does make sense. But the heart is not always rational and I have to admit, I was hurt.......

I told him how I felt and he said he wished I could just be supportive and be happy for him. So I worked on that. Because that is who I want to be. I would love to not have felt let down that my partner wanted to go fuck other people on a day that I ashamedly put a lot of stock into. Trust me I’d love that! But fuck, it’s hard.

She's saying here that she is torn between wanting to support her partner's interests and hoping that he could be a partner who just gets the importance of Valentine's Day for her. So many times in love there is no such thing as just being logical and honest as a way to solve issues. What is honesty here? Conflicting feelings are conflicting feelings.

 

[GalaGirl]

I see that.

TREE LEVEL

What I am saying is even though feelings may be in conflict right now, consistency might be a way out of it in future:

Once a plan is made for a date she likes? He agrees? BOTH support her own interests first, his second on this date then.
Once a plan is made for a date he likes? She agrees? BOTH support his own interests first, hers second on this date then.
Acceptable changes to plan are medical or emergency reasons.

There. That's how they roll from now on. No longer torn.

That's the tree level problem and one way to solve it.

FOREST LEVEL

I see another possible problem though on the forest level. Teflon Kid stuff.

How does she teach how super important Valentine's Day is to her? With mixed messages. Says it is important but later says like it is ok to back burner it.

Is a partner who is looking for an "out" gonna dig deep here to figure out what it REALLY is? Nope. I think he will take the handiest "surface answer" that makes it "I'm not really trying to get out of agreements here for non-medical or non-emergency reasons. I'm a nice guy" and then go do as he pleases.

By shifting it all on her he can keep on thinking " I am a nice guy" rather than actually doing considerate things by modifying his own behaviors like

• Do not agree to things I do not intend to follow through on in the first place
• Be accountable for the agreements I *do* make
• Ask clarifying questions when the message seems mixed to be sure.

If she fusses about his poor behavior after not giving clear communication herself? She made a handy loophole for him. He can say "he didn't understand her" and he slides off the hook like the Teflon Kid rather than owning his share of the situation making.

I told him how I felt and he said he wished I could just be supportive and be happy for him.

What I see there? She wants to express how she feels disappointed with some of his behavior that came BEFORE her mixed message. Him wanting to get out of Valentine's date he promised.

He's not up for that convo or examining his behavior. He flips it around make it be about her behavior instead (that she isn't happy for him and doesn't support his interests.) Muddying waters rather than problem solving.

If he is successful? Then she's distracted with processing all that confusion on top of the original disappointment.

• Is she guilty for not supporting his interest here? No.
• Is she guilty for not giving clear communication here? Yes.

If she's not good at seeing clear through mud, she might think "I feel guilty for not being supportive enough."

Result? The spotlight does not shine too close on his poor behavior any more. Another way to slide off the hook. She might even go off trying to do extra supportive things for him while wondering why it still feels "off" somewhere.

I could be off in my interpretation of it, but I'm getting "Teflon Kid" vibes here.

So I worked on that. Because that is who I want to be. I would love to not have felt let down that my partner wanted to go fuck other people on a day that I ashamedly put a lot of stock into.

I get it does not feel FUN. But I think it is appropriate feeling to have for the situation.

• I ask him out. He accepts.
• I was REALLY looking forward to date.
• He wants to break it (vs reschedule) for non-medical, non-emergency reason. (Orgy doesn't matter. You yourself say it wasn't the first orgy and likely not the last. It could have been golf, naps, or washing the car.)
• I feel disappointed.

Of COURSE you feel let down! That is natural.

Rather than figuring out a way how to not have feelings?

You could examine if this is chronic behavior out of him instead and if you are up for dealing with it or not.

Galagirl

 

[sparklepop]

Hi metandwessy,

No, I do not feel that you are not being unsupportive, silly, or any other negative phrase that is floating around in your head. However, I'm going to play Devil's advocate for a moment.

To me, it seems that either your partner simply doesn't quite grasp HOW important Vday is to you, or he simply doesn't care that it's important to you. I wouldn't assume that it's automatically because he thinks that being in an orgy is better than being with you, period. It's of course a possibility, but it could also be that he felt this was a rare opportunity and it was very important to *him*. Equally important, perhaps, as Vday is to you.

I literally said, “hunny bunny, I want to do something special together on Valentine’s day”. He laughed and agreed.

Ok So have you actually *said* "Vday is an extremely important day to me because of my upbringing and XYZ. It might seem silly to some, but it's very important to me to be with my partner on this day"?

The fact that he laughed indicates to me that he really may not realise or appreciate what it means to you. I'd love to hear whether or not you think this is the case.

I should mention that this certainly wasn’t the first and probably won’t be the last orgy that has happened in our relationship.

So, do you feel that he could have missed this one since there will likely be others? Equally, do you think he could have thought "She can skip this Vday with me, since there will be other Vdays?"

I told him how I felt and he said he wished I could just be supportive and be happy for him.

So he basically wants you to value his values. He also needs to acknowledge yours, then.

(EDIT: I also agree with GG. Whether intentional or not, your boyfriend is flipping the situation around back on you instead of dealing with what you brought to him.)

What you could actually say to him is: "Do you realise that Vday was equally as important to me as your orgy was for you? How do you feel we should approach an issue where we both find something equally important?"
His answer should be very telling.

I would love to not have felt let down that my partner wanted to go fuck other people on a day that I ashamedly put a lot of stock into.

There is NO shame in putting emphasis on a certain day! Why is it wrong for you to adore Vday, but right for him to adore orgies? There is no right or wrong here - you both have things that are important to you, and these things should be respected. It's honourable that you want to grow from feedback ("be more supportive"), but your values should be honoured too. At the very least by yourself!!

I wanted to sit at home and sulk but instead I got all dolled up and went out to a friend’s party.

This is brilliant!

I'm just wondering though, does this seem particularly inconsiderate or am I overreacting and not being a supportive open partner? How would you guys feel if you were in my place?

Personally, I feel that this is contextual. To me, it's less about Vday vs orgy (and the social constructs that surround that, hm?) and more about X being important to you and Y being important to your partner.

If it was me? Oh sure, I'd be upset! Yes! I'm extremely romantic and sentimental. I'd be all "This is the DAY OF LOVE and my girlfriend wants to FUCK SOME STRANGERS??? That unimaginable Devil-woman!!! FML!!!" But if I didn't move past that? I'd basically be saying that my girlfriend *should* share my beliefs, or she is wrong. In reality, I might not *like* her belief, and I might be happier with a partner who *does* share my belief, but my GF wouldn't be any more wrong for not caring about Vday than I would be for thinking orgies are frivolous. Do you know what I mean?

To me, relationships are about understanding each other and trying to meet in the middle when your values clash. So, in my case? Whilst I'm extremely romantic and sentimental, my GF is not. What this means is that I am going to be disappointed and confused at times, and she is going to be frustrated and confused at times. There have definitely been many events in our relationship that are similar to your Vday vs. orgy situation. However, we try to acknowledge what the other finds important and recognise the ways in which we both demonstrate our love. It's not always easy!

This can be applied to your situation. Your upset is absolutely valid because something that was important to you was dismissed by your partner. So, the questions to ask yourself are: Does my boyfriend acknowledge that Vday is so important to me? Do I acknowledge that his orgy might have been equally important to him? If not, can we talk about this? If yes, do we often dismiss each other's values? Is the relationship still new and we haven't had time to find our groove yet? Do I feel valued and validated and loved in other ways, or is this an overarching problem? Is there a way we can compromise on this kind of thing so that each of our values are acknowledged in future?

Good luck!

 

[YouAreHere]

It boils down to a big button of mine in general, and it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day or orgies.

He made plans with you, then broke them because something better came along.

Outside of emergencies (or last-minute pop-ups that may need to take precedence), this is rude and disrespectful, period.

Keeping an engagement with someone is a simple courtesy. If you make plans with me, and then break them for something better, then it's going to be a cold day in hell before I want to make plans with you again. If I'm in a relationship with you? That's a stern talkin'-to.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi metandwessy,

You present a difficult puzzle with no easy answers. It was probably inconsiderate of your partner to replace Valentine's Day with his orgy. Though I take it this orgy was special because it involved a bunch of new sexual partners? but the other thing is, you may have (accidentally) failed to communicate to him just how important Valentine's Day is to you. You did say yes when he asked if he could change the plan. Should he not believe that you mean what you say?

I think you and he need a debriefing in which you carefully and meticulously explain to him how important Valentine's Day is to you. Make sure he understands it's not just cute or funny to you. It's deeply meaningful. He, of course, in turn, can explain how important this particulary orgy was to him if he wants. The point of the debriefing is to clear up any remaining miscommunications between you and him, and hopefully prevent some hurt in the future. For example, if he had said, "I have this orgy I want to attend on Valentine's Day, so could we move our Valentine's Day date forward to the 15th?" would you have felt at all better about it? Are there any other ways he could have compensated you for the change in plans?

If not, then maybe you both need to (hopefully) agree that in the future, once you've made plans (even if it was just laughingly) with each other, neither of you will attempt to change those plans unless it's a medical/emergency situation. The two of you should sit down and figure out what kind of commitment/compromise, in the future, would be acceptable to both of you.

I don't know if that helps but those are my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Who is this guy? Is he a real boyfriend? Is he polyamorous or merely polysexual/a swinger? Does he care about you at all, or does he just like to have a steady fuck buddy, whose feelings don't matter when an invite to fuck a roomful of strangers comes along?

Just how invested in the relationship with you is he?

In my world, if I had a serious partner who got invited to an orgy on V Day after agreeing to "do something special" with me already (knowing how important V Day is to me), he damn well better do that something special the day before or the day after his fucking orgy. Better yet, do something special both the day before AND the day after!

As for "laughing and agreeing" to do something with you, red flag. Anyone who laughs at their partner's emotions gets a side eye from me, since my ex (who had Asperger's and was a classic Don Juan narcissist) used to do that, and it drove me crazy. My feelings weren't real to him. Only his own feelings were real, and he assumed everyone should feel the way HE felt about everything. If they didn't, it baffled him and he just ignored it and did his own thing to please himself.

Has he done anything special with or for you since Feb 14? Three days have gone by. Have you gotten a card, any gifts, flowers, candy, jewelry, a dinner out, or a show, any activity doing something YOU like-- anything romantic at all???

If the answer is NO, I'd reconsider the seriousness of this relationship.

 

[Magdlyn]

metandwessy, I knew I responded to another thread of yours, as did many members, about your bf having unprotected oral sex which gave him a STI... and he didn't follow up monitoring his symptoms, and you refused to have unprotected sex with him, and he got mad. You said you didn't want to have sex with him now.

And you said your vagina felt better after a month of not having unprotected sex with him. I asked if you'd suffered from a yeast infection...

Many people gave you advice there about how your communication with him was bad and needed improvement, some suggested breaking up... But you stopped posting on that thread. Now here you are with another problem, the former one having gone unresolved.

You and he both have multiple partners. I don't find this relationship to be very serious? Therefore, on reconsideration, it doesn't surprise me in the least that he'd go to an orgy on V Day and you'd get dolled up and play Strip Jenga with others, and enjoy yourself!