WinstonSmith
New member
Will post TL;DR in the first post below (character limit)
Long version
-Years leading to opening the relationship-
My S.O. (who I will call AB from now on) and I got close rather quickly, even though we both lived in different countries. AB moved to my home country (let’s call it PA), learned the language extremely easily and started a study there. After three years of a lot of self-exploration, a lot of good opportunities and a myriad of created and supported insecurities (we both have/had issues that we confirmed in each other at times), we decided to pursue our studies in a different country (let’s call it BX) where we both were not at home. Meanwhile, we had already had huge ideas about moving to a different country after the study in BX (which had always been my dream, migrating and raising children). We even planned all of it, went looking for homes, visited the “dream country” a couple of times (it’s rather far away), but ultimately decided, whole-heartedly from both sides, against it.
In BX we got into very dark water because of, what I always assumed ‘me being me, being different’, really hit hard home once again, but since I now lived with someone, there was someone to notice. I spent less time going outside, going to university, developed severe social anxiety, panic attacks, and in general a heavy depression. In this time the physical aspect of our component started to disappear completely and AB started to have sexual dreams about her past relationship, with whom she barely had any connection any more. There was no interest in him from AB’s side, save sexually. I was supportive of the idea, but of course we had our speed bumps along the way. Meanwhile, AB helped me (where I did not fell at ease at all) seek therapy and to approach tests correctly (I had had therapy off and on the decade before, since my early teens, all to no avail because I could philosophise and talk too well to people for them to make any diagnosis). After eight months AB realised that the therapy was not going anywhere (severely incompetent psychiatrist) and sought help from a specialist, specialised in personality disorders and diagnoses. Within two months a diagnosis was formed and I was diagnosed with a personality disorder (which I don’t completely relate to any more) but also a severe, chronic depression; estimated to date back since my early teens or even pre-teens (at that time around 15 years). Needless to say, I did not know the world any different than I was experiencing it at that time. It was in the same year that AB’s study came to a close and her relative died, granting us the opportunity through an inheritance to move away from BX and to her home country, even the house where she grew up in, (let’s call it ST).
-Moving to AB’s home, which now was to be my home too-
We spent an entire summer, while still living in BX, renovating the home in ST. AB’s mother would still occupy a storey in the same building while we’d live in the two storeys upstairs from it. AB and I would share the garden with her mother, some communal duties and living costs were all arranged too. All in all, AB’s mother was/is very supportive and generous to accept us living there (technically, it’s her inheritance). The renovation took all my savings, and all of AB’s savings, and moved me about 400 miles away from the home I grew up in, my family, and friends.
Meanwhile, I was still struggling with the depression, finding therapy and medication. At first we sought for therapists in English, but after 8 months of disappointments (people claiming to speak English and then struggling to form sentences…) I started searching for German therapists.
-AB finding new love, I still struggle with depression and finding help-
At the same time, AB fell in love with her now partner (let’s call him EF). They started off very physically, exploring each other sexually in new territories (that I was also relatively interested in), but AB kept the relationship close to her heart out of fear I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I understand that completely, but at the time it made me feel I was excluded, and couldn’t get any closer to her anymore. Our physical relationship was still almost non-existent, with AB showing no interest and making it clear any initiative would have to come from my side. I tried, and got sometimes pushed back in extremely hurtful ways, which made it even more difficult to approach her. In this year, many mistakes from both sides were made, ultimately leading to a final confrontation and sit-down, with both sides agreeing to a policy of being flat-mates for a while, until we both can straighten ourselves out.
-Me finding help, AB and EF growing ever closer, me meeting EF-
Shortly after this time I managed to find a therapist, my medication started working (I had started medication a few months earlier, a very trying time since I was very adverse to medication), and I managed to go outside more and started exercising daily again.
Shortly before I found my therapist I met EF for the first time, and as I expected we got on like crazy. We share a sense of humour, can enjoy the same kind of music, games, and books and in general think rather alike at times. Naturally, we are plenty different too, but there is no animosity at all from either side. Since then, we have met three times, and AB and EF have been together for about a year (and have met more often at his place a few hours from here).
-AB breaking the news of wanting a poly-family-
It was obvious to me that EF, who lost his relationship of six years a few months ago, and AB got on very well, shared a very intense connection (like AB and myself, AB is a wonderfully intense person). The subject of children was sometimes a topic between AB and me when we lived in BX, but I needed to always halt that because our flat was tiny, we lived in a city we both didn’t feel at home, and at my worst time in the depression I was mentally gone for three months (I still barely have a recollection of the time, and think I might have set foot outside the home twice in nearly the whole season), which for me was enough of a reason to not start children. We also had no definitive idea of a future home.
When we did move to ST and settled down, AB expressly stated having no interest in children for at least some more years, because she began exploring herself. Naturally, it came as a surprise, when I had finally started coming back into the world with completely renewed energy, to learn she now did want to start a family, but her first child would be EF’s.
-My feelings for EF and EB-
I love EF. I think he is both mentally and physically a beautiful person. He is warm, stubborn, funny, emotional, cold, childish (in a good sense), adventurous, homely, thoughtful and caring. All qualities and pitfalls I recognise in AB and myself too. I love AB more closely than I have ever loved anyone in my life. She is beautiful, intelligent, extremely wise (although that’s often blocked by trauma, which I have not once attributed to her as a person, but always see as a point of her parents not knowing the first thing about raising children or loving people), sexy beyond measure, creative, utterly driven, more energetic than anyone I’ve ever seen, sometimes hasted, funny, warm, accepting and never stops growing. We’ve been together six years, shared deaths in family, our weakest moments, sexual exploration to a small extent, deep insecurities, fights close to storms in intensity, and in general push each other every day to be better people.
-My issues with not being the first father-
Even though EF will be more and more at home in the building AB and I currently live in, he would still have his primary residence a few hours away (unless he moves). The child would, most of the time, live with his/her mother and me. I, unlike AB and EF, have a rather large family (one of my siblings has own children already) and come together with all people from one of my parent’s side once a year (35+ people). Naturally, a child of my partner would be welcome there (or at least, I’d want it to be welcome there), even if it’s not my biological child.
I have huge problems facing the prospect of my first diaper change not being my biological child, the first steps I see, words I see, the first time I see a child grow, the first time I see my partner pregnant, the first time I feel feet in her belly, the first time I see her glow, the first time I hold a person I will raise, the first time I will sing to a child, the first time I show a child I raise to my parents and siblings, the first time I send a child to school and make it breakfast, the first time I read the child bedtime stories, the first time I tuck it in, the first time a child crawls in my bed because it is afraid at night, the first time a child asks me any question to which I have no answer, the first time I see the child I raise laugh, the first time… not being mine biologically.
Long version
-Years leading to opening the relationship-
My S.O. (who I will call AB from now on) and I got close rather quickly, even though we both lived in different countries. AB moved to my home country (let’s call it PA), learned the language extremely easily and started a study there. After three years of a lot of self-exploration, a lot of good opportunities and a myriad of created and supported insecurities (we both have/had issues that we confirmed in each other at times), we decided to pursue our studies in a different country (let’s call it BX) where we both were not at home. Meanwhile, we had already had huge ideas about moving to a different country after the study in BX (which had always been my dream, migrating and raising children). We even planned all of it, went looking for homes, visited the “dream country” a couple of times (it’s rather far away), but ultimately decided, whole-heartedly from both sides, against it.
In BX we got into very dark water because of, what I always assumed ‘me being me, being different’, really hit hard home once again, but since I now lived with someone, there was someone to notice. I spent less time going outside, going to university, developed severe social anxiety, panic attacks, and in general a heavy depression. In this time the physical aspect of our component started to disappear completely and AB started to have sexual dreams about her past relationship, with whom she barely had any connection any more. There was no interest in him from AB’s side, save sexually. I was supportive of the idea, but of course we had our speed bumps along the way. Meanwhile, AB helped me (where I did not fell at ease at all) seek therapy and to approach tests correctly (I had had therapy off and on the decade before, since my early teens, all to no avail because I could philosophise and talk too well to people for them to make any diagnosis). After eight months AB realised that the therapy was not going anywhere (severely incompetent psychiatrist) and sought help from a specialist, specialised in personality disorders and diagnoses. Within two months a diagnosis was formed and I was diagnosed with a personality disorder (which I don’t completely relate to any more) but also a severe, chronic depression; estimated to date back since my early teens or even pre-teens (at that time around 15 years). Needless to say, I did not know the world any different than I was experiencing it at that time. It was in the same year that AB’s study came to a close and her relative died, granting us the opportunity through an inheritance to move away from BX and to her home country, even the house where she grew up in, (let’s call it ST).
-Moving to AB’s home, which now was to be my home too-
We spent an entire summer, while still living in BX, renovating the home in ST. AB’s mother would still occupy a storey in the same building while we’d live in the two storeys upstairs from it. AB and I would share the garden with her mother, some communal duties and living costs were all arranged too. All in all, AB’s mother was/is very supportive and generous to accept us living there (technically, it’s her inheritance). The renovation took all my savings, and all of AB’s savings, and moved me about 400 miles away from the home I grew up in, my family, and friends.
Meanwhile, I was still struggling with the depression, finding therapy and medication. At first we sought for therapists in English, but after 8 months of disappointments (people claiming to speak English and then struggling to form sentences…) I started searching for German therapists.
-AB finding new love, I still struggle with depression and finding help-
At the same time, AB fell in love with her now partner (let’s call him EF). They started off very physically, exploring each other sexually in new territories (that I was also relatively interested in), but AB kept the relationship close to her heart out of fear I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I understand that completely, but at the time it made me feel I was excluded, and couldn’t get any closer to her anymore. Our physical relationship was still almost non-existent, with AB showing no interest and making it clear any initiative would have to come from my side. I tried, and got sometimes pushed back in extremely hurtful ways, which made it even more difficult to approach her. In this year, many mistakes from both sides were made, ultimately leading to a final confrontation and sit-down, with both sides agreeing to a policy of being flat-mates for a while, until we both can straighten ourselves out.
-Me finding help, AB and EF growing ever closer, me meeting EF-
Shortly after this time I managed to find a therapist, my medication started working (I had started medication a few months earlier, a very trying time since I was very adverse to medication), and I managed to go outside more and started exercising daily again.
Shortly before I found my therapist I met EF for the first time, and as I expected we got on like crazy. We share a sense of humour, can enjoy the same kind of music, games, and books and in general think rather alike at times. Naturally, we are plenty different too, but there is no animosity at all from either side. Since then, we have met three times, and AB and EF have been together for about a year (and have met more often at his place a few hours from here).
-AB breaking the news of wanting a poly-family-
It was obvious to me that EF, who lost his relationship of six years a few months ago, and AB got on very well, shared a very intense connection (like AB and myself, AB is a wonderfully intense person). The subject of children was sometimes a topic between AB and me when we lived in BX, but I needed to always halt that because our flat was tiny, we lived in a city we both didn’t feel at home, and at my worst time in the depression I was mentally gone for three months (I still barely have a recollection of the time, and think I might have set foot outside the home twice in nearly the whole season), which for me was enough of a reason to not start children. We also had no definitive idea of a future home.
When we did move to ST and settled down, AB expressly stated having no interest in children for at least some more years, because she began exploring herself. Naturally, it came as a surprise, when I had finally started coming back into the world with completely renewed energy, to learn she now did want to start a family, but her first child would be EF’s.
-My feelings for EF and EB-
I love EF. I think he is both mentally and physically a beautiful person. He is warm, stubborn, funny, emotional, cold, childish (in a good sense), adventurous, homely, thoughtful and caring. All qualities and pitfalls I recognise in AB and myself too. I love AB more closely than I have ever loved anyone in my life. She is beautiful, intelligent, extremely wise (although that’s often blocked by trauma, which I have not once attributed to her as a person, but always see as a point of her parents not knowing the first thing about raising children or loving people), sexy beyond measure, creative, utterly driven, more energetic than anyone I’ve ever seen, sometimes hasted, funny, warm, accepting and never stops growing. We’ve been together six years, shared deaths in family, our weakest moments, sexual exploration to a small extent, deep insecurities, fights close to storms in intensity, and in general push each other every day to be better people.
-My issues with not being the first father-
Even though EF will be more and more at home in the building AB and I currently live in, he would still have his primary residence a few hours away (unless he moves). The child would, most of the time, live with his/her mother and me. I, unlike AB and EF, have a rather large family (one of my siblings has own children already) and come together with all people from one of my parent’s side once a year (35+ people). Naturally, a child of my partner would be welcome there (or at least, I’d want it to be welcome there), even if it’s not my biological child.
I have huge problems facing the prospect of my first diaper change not being my biological child, the first steps I see, words I see, the first time I see a child grow, the first time I see my partner pregnant, the first time I feel feet in her belly, the first time I see her glow, the first time I hold a person I will raise, the first time I will sing to a child, the first time I show a child I raise to my parents and siblings, the first time I send a child to school and make it breakfast, the first time I read the child bedtime stories, the first time I tuck it in, the first time a child crawls in my bed because it is afraid at night, the first time a child asks me any question to which I have no answer, the first time I see the child I raise laugh, the first time… not being mine biologically.
