So.......OKCupid

[IndieSolo]

There are, as GalaGirl often puts it, "messy" people that it's a good idea to not date: bosses and co-workers (your's or your partner's), children's teachers, partner's siblings, etc.

Meh. I've fucked and/or had relationships with quite a few bosses and co-workers in my lifetime, and none of them ever turned out badly or "messy." If one is a good judge of people, then one knows who to avoid and who is trustworthy.

The last time I wasn't cautious I met up with someone for what was meant to be some casual drinks. She said I "cracked her head open" straight away. At the time I joked by saying that was okay, mine was permanently cracked. No, no. It wasn't okay.

I don't get this at all. What did she mean??? Cracked her head open? Is that a standard phrase where you live? I would be completely stymied if anyone said that to me.

 

[Halcyeus]

I don't get this at all. What did she mean??? Cracked her head open? Is that a standard phrase where you live? I would be completely stymied if anyone said that to me.

I'd never heard it before then either! I assumed she meant I'd got her to reveal a lot about herself. I said my head was permanently cracked as a joke because my ego defences can be practically non-existent at times.

When I want to I can be very good at getting people to open up and talk. If their ego defences go down and they're authentic with me (and themselves) I naturally feel strongly for them and want to be highly affectionate. I'm a love slut, I guess. The problem is a lot of people are love starved, even if they don't realise they are, so getting blasted with it can be destabilizing.

That's why its not good I cracked that women's head open. It was irresponsible. She made clear she was looking for a FWB to see occasionally. I started to slip into love slut mode anyway and that may have added to her complicated headspace. She told me she's been feeling overwhelmed since then Poor thing.

 

[Halcyeus]

I'm finding OKCupid to be frustrating. There are lots of great people in my area. I'm fairly sure I'd get on well with three of the four people I've started conversations with. Trouble is I find writing messages back and forth or using IMs is so dull and time consuming.

I want the body language, fast-paced verbal communication and in-person social dynamics of meeting someone one-to-one. I know that comes later, after the messaging, but even the idea of arranging to meet a stranger seems terribly formal. I'm an ENFP dammit! Formal isn't my thing.

A couple of times I've "liked" someone who has "liked" me back, then found the prospect of messaging them too much effort to be bothered with. Also, because I don't know how to flirt without direct conversation and body language, I end up posting walls of text at people. I'm sure some of them must think I'm crazy by now.

I'm shit at this.

 

[rubidoux]

I have the same problem w wanting to get on with things, and feeling frustrated w the pace of messaging. As time has gone on I've started trusting my instincts more and just blurting out "let's have coffee" or whatever way earlier. I think the endless texting can be fun w the right person, but best case scenario is you really enjoy that person by text... but it doesn't tell you a lot about whether you're gonna enjoy sitting next to them. I figure I'd rather just meet right of the bat. Then I can put them behind me quickly and not waist a lot of time if we don't mesh.

Also, I've had a lot of success on okc but I think it's bc I'm very open to almost anything. I go out w lots of people and then a few stick. But I've had fun on almost all my dates.

One of my crazier ones was a guy who lives an hour and a half away. I was soooo intrigued by his profile and his dreamy pics. I was kinda crazy over him before almost any texting (he's a beautiful writer and so bright and articulate that I was too intimidated to have much of a text relationship w him). So maybe a week after our first message, I just drove to his place for a 24 hour date and it was GREAT. I'm so happy to have him in my life now. I feel very lucky about that. But I think to find people you really click with you gotta put yourself out there a bit.

ETA: I think, btw, that the head cracking thing sounds good! I guess she wasn't up for it, but that may be what I'm looking for. lol I say keep going w that, eventually someone will really appreciate it. ��

 

[IndieSolo]

I'm finding OKCupid to be frustrating. There are lots of great people in my area. I'm fairly sure I'd get on well with three of the four people I've started conversations with. Trouble is I find writing messages back and forth or using IMs is so dull and time consuming.

I never IM with people. My chat function is always turned off at OKC. I prefer the messages because I can respond in my own time, when I feel like it.

. . . because I don't know how to flirt without direct conversation and body language, I end up posting walls of text at people. I'm sure some of them must think I'm crazy by now.

I'm shit at this.

It doesn't have to be flirty to grab a woman's attention. In fact, I think it's better if it is more conversational than flirty. Focus on one thing in a person's profile, something way down at the bottom of the page so they know you actually read the whole damn thing. I really appreciate someone scrolling all the way down to read my very carefully composed profile, which I admit is way too long. Anyway, then just write one paragraph of no more than four or five sentences, saying why that particular item moved you to write. You don't have to be witty or clever, although that is awesome, but you should be upbeat in some way. You can be humble but not too self-deprecating. And close with something like "would be nice to continue the conversation."

As an example, I have something in my profile in the "secrets you wouldn't tell anyone," or whatever that section is called, where I write about not winning a statewide spelling bee when I was in the 8th grade. I say, "Don't ask what word I lost on. It still stings." Well, lots of men will contact me to guess what word it was, or to relay their own spelling bee stories, and a lot of those messages are very clever. And it's nice that they are not writing about my looks, hooking up, or the love and romance part of my profile, because it shows me they see themselves as more well-rounded than that, and that they have more to offer. I would say that, 9 times out of 10, the messages which prompt me to reply are not flirtatious at all.

I usually check out their profiles if their picture seems attractive, current, and real (you'd be surprised how many men who are clearly in their 60s or 70s, list their age as 49) . If a guy writes too much, it does come off as a little crazy or like a cut-and-paste. If he doesn't write enough, I usually just delete and block. If the little picture doesn't show enough of what he looks like, I won't always bother visiting his profile -- unless I like what he wrote and his message to me is really great, thoughtful, or makes me laugh out loud.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm shit at this.

As you see, the women here are very good at offering tips and perspectives that will help improve your online dating skills, so stay open to advice, practice and learning and keep going! Like much in life, success doesn't come instantly but follows persistence and improvement (but you already know that.) You strike me as a person that a lot of people would respond to. Your posts here are certainly personable, real and not-crazy. You're interacting with us just fine, so take that good natured ease on over to OKC.

 

[Halcyeus]

One of my crazier ones was a guy who lives an hour and a half away. I was soooo intrigued by his profile and his dreamy pics. I was kinda crazy over him before almost any texting (he's a beautiful writer and so bright and articulate that I was too intimidated to have much of a text relationship w him). So maybe a week after our first message, I just drove to his place for a 24 hour date and it was GREAT. I'm so happy to have him in my life now. I feel very lucky about that. But I think to find people you really click with you gotta put yourself out there a bit.

What a great experience! Sounds so good its like the first third of a romance novel.

I'm sure I will put myself out there quite a bit. Suggesting I meet for coffee with people early on seems like a good idea, even if its just a quick lunch-break somewhere.

As you see, the women here are very good at offering tips and perspectives that will help improve your online dating skills, so stay open to advice, practice and learning and keep going! Like much in life, success doesn't come instantly but follows persistence and improvement (but you already know that.) You strike me as a person that a lot of people would respond to. Your posts here are certainly personable, real and not-crazy. You're interacting with us just fine, so take that good natured ease on over to OKC.

Yeah, you're all being really helpful and there has been some great advice here. I think I'm getting better, with my profile at least. As it happens I'm not having any trouble with the initial message and getting people to write back with enthusiasm. Only one person hasn't written back and I didn't expect her too, since it was just a note saying I appreciated what she was doing for the poly community.

This is what I've stopped doing: After the initial couple of messages I've ended up responding to more by writing paragraphs and paragraphs stream of consciousness style with far too much personal information almost immediately after I receive a message in my inbox. I write emails to my friends like that out of habit. That's fine. Not so great for strangers! Oh, I'm laughing about it now though its still embarrassing to think about.

I'm meeting up with someone this weeked. She's a similar person to me in a similar situation to me, having recently started to open up her relationship. We have lots and lots to talk about. She's unintentionally funny, too, which is a huge plus.

 

[IndieSolo]

Where do you live, Halcyeus?

Just curious.

 

[Halcyeus]

Vancouver, where all men are hipsters and all women wear yoga pants.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Hey what's wrong with yoga pants? Screw style, give me comfort any day.

 

[Halcyeus]

Oh, there's nothing wrong with them! You'll just know when you're in Vancouver because they're absolutely everywhere. As are hipsters, especially the guys, which has diluted its counter culture associations a lot!

Coming from Europe to Canada something many people are going to notice is Canadians generally just don't give a damn about what they wear. So long as its comfy or functional its good. Even business class clothing is casual. In England I used to live with a constant mild anxiety that I didn't look fashionable enough when out or smart enough at work. That feeling is totally gone now. No one cares! I could literally wear pyjamas to go shopping and people would just assume I had my reasons.

The exception is Montreal. Wow. Very, very snappy dressers.

 

[Journeyofawakening]

Oh, there's nothing wrong with them! You'll just know when you're in Vancouver because they're absolutely everywhere. As are hipsters, especially the guys, which has diluted its counter culture associations a lot!

Coming from Europe to Canada something many people are going to notice is Canadians generally just don't give a damn about what they wear. So long as its comfy or functional its good. Even business class clothing is casual. In England I used to live with a constant mild anxiety that I didn't look fashionable enough when out or smart enough at work. That feeling is totally gone now. No one cares! I could literally wear pyjamas to go shopping and people would just assume I had my reasons.

The exception is Montreal. Wow. Very, very snappy dressers.

I'm moving to Canada...
Pyjamas every day? Yes please!

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I'm moving to Canada...
Pyjamas every day? Yes please!

Love it!

I totally did that the other day too, went out in my pajamas. Forget what I was doing, some errand, didn't wanna get dressed, so I didn't. I think I threw on a zip-up and called myself presentable...

Vancouver also has my favorite beach. Whenever I get to go to van for a conference, I always book an extra few days just to bum around naked at wreck. Not the main beach, too crowded. I go off to the side where the big trees hang over the sand, put up my hammock, bust out the kindle, and enjoy the salty breeze. I always threaten not to come home again, but so far no luck.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

...Pyjamas every day? Yes please!

Can totally do this is rural PA. "Not naked" is good enough for most establishments.

 

[IndieSolo]

I've never owned a pair of yoga pants and likely never will. I haven't been outside in pajamas since I was about 7 years old. I... just... couldn't. I feel naked if I have no makeup on.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I've never owned a pair of yoga pants and likely never will. I haven't been outside in pajamas since I was about 7 years old. I... just... couldn't. I feel naked if I have no makeup on.

And there we have it, ladies and gentlemen. Vancouver vs New York.

 

[Bluebird]

I harshly judge people who go out in pajamas. I'm sorry, but it isn't all that difficult to not look like a hot mess. Even when I am just going around the corner to run into the grocery store to pick up milk, I'll throw on a skirt and shirt so I'm presentable. When I see others making zero effort, I think that's lazy and disrespectful. Sure, that might not be the case at all - maybe they are melting down in other areas of their lives and can't manage to care about what they look like - but then, if they can't take five seconds to pull on some pants, should they really be driving?

That's my thought process. I am sure it won't be a popular POV, but I believe in being dressed when interacting with others in that sort of setting.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

...I feel naked if I have no makeup on.

Interesting as we were having this conversation just the other day.

I have a friend who wears make-up 95% of the time - her sister told her once that once you were 30 you owed it to the world to "pretty that up". I wore make-up in high school and college and gradually gave it up bit by bit (mascara was the last to go - wore that until I was about 25. Now I only put on make-up for "dress up" (going out dancing or to somewhere fancy). I think it helps that I look younger than I really am and never had complexion issues.

For lots of people, I actually think their make-up makes them look older - like they "perfected" their look at 21 and then never changed it (people do this with hairstyles as well - but even more-so with make-up).

JaneQ

PS. HUGE fan of yoga pants, but I generally only wear them at home or at...yoga class. The one exception is if I am just running to the gas station - let them think I am just coming home from yoga class!

PPS. LOVE it when I can wear scrubs to work - PJs all day, but I am "in uniform".

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I'm sorry

No you're not.

but it isn't all that difficult to not look like a hot mess.

Nor is it all that difficult to open your mind and accept people's freedom of expression. I guess that shows, being easy isn't the only requirement for doing something.

When I see others making zero effort, I think that's lazy and disrespectful.

Disrespectful? For real? Wow, talk about a sense entitlement.

How does someone else occupying the same space as you wearing a certain style of clothing have anything to do with you, let alone disrespect you?

Disrespect is personal. You taking personally what clothes I wear? That's your issue. I'm just a person sharing a public space, and you're harshly judging me. If you want to talk about disrespect, there it is.

maybe they are melting down in other areas of their lives and can't manage to care about what they look like

If I'm giving a seminar or interviewing for a job, that's one thing. There's a professional expectation there, an actual intent to impress people. I care what they think. Random person at the grocery store? Yeah. Don't care. Not that I don't care what I look like... I just don't care what you think I look like. I think I look fine in pyjamas.

Far as I'm concerned, I'm already giving concession by actually wearing clothes at all. See, I much prefer to be naked. But there's this annoying law thing, on account of our culture's ridiculous taboo against nudity.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

I harshly judge people who go out in pajamas. I'm sorry, but it isn't all that difficult to not look like a hot mess. Even when I am just going around the corner to run into the grocery store to pick up milk, I'll throw on a skirt and shirt so I'm presentable. When I see others making zero effort, I think that's lazy and disrespectful. Sure, that might not be the case at all - maybe they are melting down in other areas of their lives and can't manage to care about what they look like - but then, if they can't take five seconds to pull on some pants, should they really be driving?

That's my thought process. I am sure it won't be a popular POV, but I believe in being dressed when interacting with others in that sort of setting.

I would make you feel really uncomfortable I think.

If I need something from my local shop and I don't feel like getting dressed properly, I'm quite happy to put on a coat over my pyjamas and go to get it. So are loads of other people as far as I can see.

I can't remember the last time I put on make up - I don't consider it in any way to be necessary.

I tend not to be concerned with the feelings of others over how I'm dressed. My view is that the people who would notice and be upset must have their own inner demons to fight. Otherwise I can't imagine why they would care how I was dressed.

I do sometimes hear views like yours expressed and I feel nothing but sadness for the people expressing them. To go around feeling that way about complete strangers must be exhausting - not to mention isolating.

I feel sad for you and hope that in time you can experience the sort of personal growth that would allow you to be more comfortable around people who are not like you.

IP