Maybe I'm Not Cut Out for This...

T

thecowgirl37

New member
My husband and I have been giving it a go with one of his female coworkers for about 2 months now. I'm crazy about her, and I want this so badly, but at the same time I get such horrible anxiety about certain things. I'm so paranoid about them going behind my back and developing a relationship in secret (no reason to think this) and trying to battle things I've learned to be unreasonable (veto power). I want to skip to uncomfortable part and get right to the point where we're all happy and sharing. I'm scared to let her know some of my fears, as well as how I feel about her. Sometimes I'm afraid my husband tells her, but if he did, I think she'd avoid me more. Lol I don't know. It's hard wanting something so bad, but being so afraid of it. I hate feeling vulnerable. And I fear rejection from her... My husband assures me that we're a package deal, and even when I offered him an open V, he declined, saying he doesn't want to be a hinge person and he wants all 3 relationship legs as equal as possible. I know their relationship needs to develop too, how to I get through this without pushing them both away?
 
Dating as a unit, a "package deal," almost always fails, usually explosively and spectacularly. If you are unwilling (or, in this case, if your husband is unwilling) to date people individually as people, rather than trying to date as a unit, then your anxiety isn't unfounded or unwarranted, and your feelings that your husband and she may develop their own relationship are not irrational (in fact, that is exactly what all of you should be doing, and so should you and she because you don't form a relationship with a group of people, you form it with individuals). It shouldn't have to be a secret. If you're worried she's going to like/love one of you more, you're almost certainly correct--insisting on "equal" love denies basic reality. And, it is a horrible way to treat another person.

She isn't a commodity, she is a person. Insisting she love you both equally, connect with you both equally, etc., or have her heart broken in a relationship she's been allowed and encouraged to invest in because she can't possibly meet those totally unrealistic requirements you two have laid out? That's not ethical. Imposing things on her like she has to have a relationship with you both, yet saying you want things to be equal? That is ridiculous. Unless you would leave your husband if he didn't love both you and her equally, or unless your husband would leave you if you didn't love her and him equally, there is no "equal." It's just something said to make everyone feel better, and it never accomplishes that.

Please read, and have your husband read, this: So, someone called you a unicorn hunter. Then do a search here for "unicorns" and "triad." The very few success stories you'll see are from those who fell into triads unintentionally and organically, not by forcing someone else to accept both partners.
 
ditto. If you and your husband continue to force this triad you WILL fail. Each of you need to develop your own relationship organically without the outside partner pushing buttons and pulling levers and generally trying to control things that are frankly none of their business.
 
To be fair, he wants it to be as equal/balanced as possible. We know that each of our relationships with her are and will be different. They were friends first, and she and I have been getting to know each other and I'm both excited and frightened by NRE. When the 3 of us are together, it all feels very natural and balanced. when I say he wants it as equal as possible, I am saying that he does not want to be with her exclusive of me. Sexually, the focus has been on she and I getting to know each other. This has the potential to be a very functional triad, but she is also not limited to us.
 
thecowgirl37 said:
when I say he wants it as equal as possible, I am saying that he does not want to be with her exclusive of me.
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Right. Which means that if she develops feelings for him and you and she end up not working, she's screwed. Or, if she and he don't work, but she develops/still has feelings for you? Would you keep seeing her without him? I'm guessing no. So, again, how is this kind of emotional blackmail conducive to a "functional, healthy" relationships of any kind?

"Fair/balanced" isn't "love my wife or you can't have me."

It sounds like there is a lot going on here that isn't being communicated with her, as well. Would you be totally cool with him telling her the same thing (that if you and she don't work out, he'd leave you)? With her having all this privilege of communicating about the perimeters of what is a "must" in the relationships, and making unilateral decisions about it, without you? Again, did you read the article? Do you see where you and your husband are already so many of the common mistakes? While it is great you're not insisting on polyfidelity, there is still a huge amount of couple privilege and unicorn hunting going on here.
 
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When it was all discussed before, she simply said she was having fun and wants to see where it goes. I know that it is time for a discussion again, we are new to this and sort of fell into this situation that seems to be working aside from my insecurities. But that's why I'm here. Trying to figure out how to handle this moving forward.
 
OP,

Consider WHY you want a triad only. It sounds as if you aren't that set on it, but he is. My primary and I also want a woman interested in both of us. My partner and I believe in a multi primary system, let me note, it just happens to be just us two right now as priorities for each other. He also has a fwb, who recently started "dating" both of us. She absolutely gets more time with us, than she would with just him.

A couple of things that distinguish us from most unicorn hunters: We don't limit ourselves to a triad; we see our inner circle extending to at least four, perhaps more. We can both date separately. We don't prevent our girlfriend from dating others. The only rules we have are, 1) No unprotected sex outside of the core group and 2) We don't neglect our existing relationships.

My partner COULD have a girlfriend completely outside of his and my relationship. But because of the amount of time he and I spend together, she would get very little (maybe once a month, more likely once every 2-3 months). We're willing to SHARE about 80% of the time we normally have one on one, though.

Thus, dating mutually just makes sense. There are plenty of women who only date couples, or at the very least prioritize. My partner often reaches out to women, who respond the second he mentions a bi girlfriend. What bi woman wouldn't want an awesome 2 for one deal, so long as she was treated well and not stopped from dating herself?

Try not to be too rigid, but don't be afraid to ask for what you want, either. Speaking personally, I have little to no interest in women who are seeking "anything." I want to be desired specifically for my qualities and what I offer. So, tell women you are looking for a girlfriend for you and your husband, long term, if that's what you want. And the ones who want the same things will respond to you.
 
You said that you are so paranoid about the two of them going behind your back and developing a relationship. I hope you are at least okay with the two of them developing a relationship that has nothing to do with you. If either of you require yourselves to be wedged in between the other two, this will not go well.
 
Candiedlove said:
OP,

What bi woman wouldn't want an awesome 2 for one deal, so long as she was treated well and not stopped from dating herself?
.
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*raises hand* Me. And, almost all of the bi women I know (mono--since all bi women are NOT poly--and poly alike), and especially those who have ever tried to date a couple seriously (as in, for more than a very casual thing). I do not date couples as a unit, period, and neither do the vast majority of experienced bi women I've met (including most on this board). If I happen to date both members, separately, and it fell into a natural triad, then fine; but, to be required to as the price of admission, to be told there's no negotiating on time, rules, etc.? Hell. No. Been there, done that, and it is awful.

OP, the dynamic that has been created by the ultimatums and small box into which this relationship must fit means that honest communication will be difficult and unlikely, and that is not going to help your insecurity. There is no safe space for communication by anyone, which is going to breed resentment, secrets, and all around bad. So, if you're looking for advice, talk to both partners about getting rid of those ultimatums and expectations, and proceeding in a way that is more open to honest relationships and communication. Have all parties read and discuss the article. Talk about what happens if/when one set of you breaks up (which almost always happens at some point, and often in fairly short order--though it is sometimes the "original" couple that fails, which is currently happening on another thread). Allow for dynamics to change and shape themselves organically, without expectations.
 
You have several things going on there. I am not sure want your main thing is.

How is keeping things from her developing your own relationship with her on that's side of the triad?

How is not wanting them have privacy helping them have space and time to develop their side of the triad?

How is fueling your fear helping you develop the confidence you want to have?

If your desired outcome is to arrive at the calm, confident sharing place with these people...what do you want most help with so you can be once more willing to share yourself and stop holding back? Confidence to me is grown by doing, not by avoiding.

Galagirl
 
graviton said:
ditto. If you and your husband continue to force this triad you WILL fail. Each of you need to develop your own relationship organically without the outside partner pushing buttons and pulling levers and generally trying to control things that are frankly none of their business.
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I agree, a forced triad will not work. You must develop your own relationship male or female organically. I personally have some doubts about male driven MFF triads, are they a cop out that allows the make to play with the opposite sex but not the women? An open V may be more appropriate but you/he has to accept that could become a N or a W
 
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thecowgirl37 said:
My husband and I have been giving it a go with one of his female coworkers for about 2 months now. I'm crazy about her, and I want this so badly, but at the same time I get such horrible anxiety about certain things. I'm so paranoid about them going behind my back and developing a relationship in secret (no reason to think this) and trying to battle things I've learned to be unreasonable (veto power). I want to skip to uncomfortable part and get right to the point where we're all happy and sharing.
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You are living in an unrealistic fantasy land.

Why shouldn't they develop a relationship between the two of them? THAT'S HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK. If you want a triad, there are four relationships that are developed:
  1. You and husband;
  2. husband and girlfriend;
  3. girlfriend and you;
  4. all three of you together.
To think that the relationship between you and your husband is allowed, but that the girlfriend can only be in relationship with you both -- without any allowance for it to blossom between her and your husband alone, or her and you alone -- is sheer foolishness, based on fear and unrealistic, couple-privileged fantasies.

Hon, if all you want is a package deal, then you and husband shouldn't be having sex or sharing any kind of intimacy without her, either. Do you see the ridiculousness of insisting that it all has to be all three of you or nothing? Are you also monitoring all communications between her and your husband, to make sure they don't do anything of which you don't approve, like a spy and dictator? A lot of misguided couples who start out doing poly the way you are will often stoop to that, but it's very disrespectful towards the person you've targeted to "add" to your relationship.

And geez, veto, really? Shitty way to treat people. If this is how you are doing poly, you are definitely not ready for it and eventually everything will go kablooey in your faces. Don't say you weren't warned!
 
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Candiedlove said:
What bi woman wouldn't want an awesome 2 for one deal, so long as she was treated well and not stopped from dating herself?
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Not me. The fact that so many couples assume this drives me bananas. I want to choose my own partners, based on my own likes and dislikes, temperament, etc.. I don't want to have to exist on a steady diet of threesome sex and time together being "the third." I dated a few couples in my younger days, and honestly, most of the time I really wanted one of them and was merely tolerating the other. But I knew if I spoke up, I'd lose time with my beloved because they prioritized their other relationship over me. Now, I won't do it.
 
Candiedlove said:
What bi woman wouldn't want an awesome 2 for one deal, so long as she was treated well and not stopped from dating herself?
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Yeah, I don't get this at all, either. When I enter a relationship of any kind, I'm not looking for "time," I am looking for a connection. A two-for-one deal rarely works in the straight world and I don't see why this is so widely attempted in the poly world. Just because I like a straight woman doesn't at all mean that I will have any interest in hangin with her man and to have to take them both on as friends is absurd. Just because I enjoy both men and women sexually doesn't mean I'll have a significant connection with both of the people in a hetero couple. Why would anyone want to be sexual with both just to get "time in" with one? Relationships aren't about getting in time, they are about enjoying individuals. I'm also not sure it's even possible to say that one relationship is as equal and balanced as another. How could you possibly measure that?

I actually am FWB with a couple but I wouldn't even begin to attempt to go down the "equal time" or "equal feelings" road. Honestly, that just sounds crazy-making to even think about, let alone try to do.
 
Candiedlove said:
What bi woman wouldn't want an awesome 2 for one deal...?
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GreenAcres said:
*raises hand* Me. And, almost all of the bi women I know... Hell. No. Been there, done that, and it is awful.
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LoveBunny said:
Not me. The fact that so many couples assume this drives me bananas... I won't do it.
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HappilyFallenAngel said:
Yeah, I don't get this at all, either.
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Add me to the list! I have been approached by couples, and it makes me feel so gross, like a commodity, or sex toy to spice up their relationship. *shudder*
 
They are supposed to develop a relationship away from you, they HAVE too or this is not going to work. This woman is not on a timer where she can only have him at a certain point, certain time of day, and only around you. using the "veto" is wrong, its unrealistic and its immature.
 
Yes, being approached by a couple is kereeeepy! I can't even begin to imagine why couples do this unless their intention is purely sexual, in which case - enjoy.

I went out with the guy (in the couple I know) quite a few times, really enjoyed him and after a good six months or so, met his GF as a natural course of being friends with him. Turned out, she and I found each other enjoyable, too, so I am happy to spend time with them as a couple or as individuals. I would never have gotten near the guy if he had initially proposed a relationship with them as a couple. I want to be thoroughly valued as the friend that I am, not evaluated according to what I can do for someone else's relationship. Who chooses friends two at a time? It just doesn't work that way!!!
 
thecowgirl37 said:
I'm so paranoid about them going behind my back and developing a relationship in secret
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Cowgirl, I went back and read your posts and I'd say that the only way forward to the happy triad you envision is for you to get to a place where this isn't even a factor. "Going behind your back" implies that they would have intimacies that do not involve you and in order for the triad to endure, you have to embrace one-on-one intimacy as a fundamental element. "Going behind your back" also implies betrayal and it's not clear exactly what agreement would have been breached. If you all agree that one-on-one intimacies (emotional and physical) are part of a triad's foundation, then there is nothing and no one to betray here.

This is one thing that is flawed in "unicorn hunting" - the basic understanding of how relationships develop and thrive. It's impossible to do everything as a group and it goes against basic relationship dynamics. You're swimming upstream against the laws of the universe here.
 
Lady and real and I met through a swinging construct, but varied feelings developed between all three of us. Lady and I had feelings but she had lots of issues regarding how a sexual/romantic/emotional bond with another woman affected her identity. Yet meanwhile real and I fell deeply intensely in love. Eventually we settled into a vee. Lady needed lots of communication and support. Now almost two years later we are moving somewhere between a vee and a triad. Needless to say every dyad advances at its own pace. My only advice is give each dyad time and communicate with your partners. Focus on trust building with each of them rather than worrying or anxiety about their own dyad. This has helped us go through our hurdles.
 
Hi thecowgirl37,

Re (from OP):
"How do I get through this without pushing them both away?"
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I suppose the main key here is to let things develop naturally and not try to force anything. It's good that she is not limited to just you and your husband. And, it's good that you understand that things won't be 100% equal/balanced. You want to relate to each other as unique human beings, not as factory-stamped widgets.

With regards,
Kevin T.
 
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