Just starting to explore

You all are right. I got my mom to come watch the little guy tonight so we are going out and can talk. I know now that I'm not ready for him to start dating. Just his crush/infatuation already has made me feel second to her, like he is putting his effort into impressing her, which is somehow leaving me feeling even more alone in what I hoped would be an exciting, bonding time for all of us. I knew being a mom would be a challenge (though if you are a parent, you know there is no real way to know.) To claim he needs more and will find it elsewhere? I need that on top of everything right now?

I've always been the one that has been there for him, and now that I'm taking care of the baby too, I still try, but some days I can hardly even take care of myself. I can't meet all of his needs right now, but he isn't meeting mine either, so we need to figure out something else.

I think, from his point of view, he thinks this (having another partner) will take the pressure off of me to meet his needs-sexually, yes, but emotionally too. I love him with everything, but my boy is seriously needy right now, and I don't have a lot left at the end of the day. I don't remember the last time I sat down to eat without someone pawing at me. He has said he doesn't even want to be home some days. This is the most hurtful thing, when I am giving everything I have to get through this time. I feel like he is letting me down when I need him most.

What he doesn't understand is that I need him to take care of me for a change. I need him to take a turn at taking care of me, to put in the effort, to help us both instead of turning elsewhere. I think he honestly thinks I can find my own outside interest to help with this. I think he is delusional. Even if I thought it would help, I'm not 'sexy' right now. I can barely shower every day. How in the world could I, even if I wanted to, put effort into a brand new relationship? I know that I need to take care of myself, too, but even little gestures would be nice, showing me he sees what I do. I feel like he doesn't 'see' me at all right now. I have actually tried some romantic gestures, I really do try to take care of him, too.

Sorry for all the rambling, I guess I got started and needed to write it out to figure out what I really need, or maybe just what I want. The guy on the other thread is right. My partner does have a serious 'Peter Pan' thing going on. If I put it the wrong way, he will not be able to 'hear' what I'm saying, so I need to figure out how to put it. I'll update after we talk. Hmm, how do I nicely tell him to grow the fuck up? I almost want to send him here so he sees some of the reality of what he is suggesting, but I feel he will just take to heart anything here that agrees with his desires and not see the complexities.

I'm still not fully ruling out the possibility of poly in the future, but it sure has been enlightening to see all the sides of it, and exploring the idea has actually helped me clarify what I need right now.

Thank you so much everyone.
 
You dont know if he has approached his coworker or not?

You should know, first things first is communication and if you have zero idea if he is talking to her or more? than from the get go, its going to be difficult.

Sit down, talk, talk some more, talk some more after that. You guys need to be on the same page, and if Poly is for you than wonderful, if not than you guys should talk more.

(p.s. dating a coworker is never a good idea even in "normal" situations!)
 
I'm sorry you deal in this.

My partner does have a serious 'Peter Pan' thing going on. If I put it the wrong way, he will not be able to 'hear' what I'm saying, so I need to figure out how to put it. I'll update after we talk. Hmm, how do I nicely tell him to grow the fuck up? I almost want to send him here so he sees some of the reality of what he is suggesting, but I feel he will just take to heart anything here that agrees with his desires and not see the complexities.
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Just tell him up front where your willingness to participate lies:

"No. I am not up for poly at this time. I'm not ruling it out as a possibility in the future, but nope. Not up for it now during baby time."

He wants more details why?

  • The division of labor and time is skewed right now as it is. You are exhausted. He is not meeting your need for help.
  • He has a Peter Pan habit you do not enjoy -- not thinking things out.
  • What's his plan to handle finances? Dating costs money. Is that money better spent on lawn or maid service so both of you catch a break on the house front so you free up time to deal with new parenting work or time with each other or even just SLEEP? Is he also dating you and you guys get couple time alone? Not always being mom and dad?
  • What's his plan to handle poly hell?
  • Should dating a coworker go badly... what's his plan to deal with working with an ex? Will having a crazy ex at work affect his job security?

What's his plan to address those areas? (Or is his plan to Peter Pan some more?)

He's not obligated to change anything about things after the conversation.

But if his way of going is not meeting your needs? YOU can then decide if you want to keep on with a Peter Pan type that you have to "carry" or if you prefer to move on yourself and later seek a partner who pulls their weight rather than expecting a ride.

It's not a fun conversation to have. But I think better to know what you have on your plate than avoid having the conversation just because it's not a fun one.

I would say be up front and clear about where you stand. Let him handle his emotional management himself.

Hmm, how do I nicely tell him to grow the fuck up?
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How about...


"These are the responsibilities we agreed you would meet. You are not meeting them at this time. What's your plan to address that?

When you do not keep agreements or meet the responsibilities in a (2 adult, 1 infant dynamic) and cover all bases well --- how does that inspire confidence that you will keep agreements and you will cover all bases well in a (3 adult, 1 infant dynamic)? "​

Leave all evaluations out of it -- don't comment on his immaturity or lack of "grow the fuck up." Think it if you like. Just focus on behavior done/not done.

Trash is either taken out or not. Both have eyes. Both can see it. YKWIM?

It's not making it personal -- it's about the job being done or not. And it cuts the crap.

IME, Peter Pan types want to slide, change the spotlight on to ANYTHING but their own behavior. So keep it on behavior done/not done.

Galagirl
 
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Whiskeyginger said:
You dont know if he has approached his coworker or not?

You should know, first things first is communication and if you have zero idea if he is talking to her or more? than from the get go, its going to be difficult.

Sit down, talk, talk some more, talk some more after that. You guys need to be on the same page, and if Poly is for you than wonderful, if not than you guys should talk more.

(p.s. dating a coworker is never a good idea even in "normal" situations!)
Click to expand...

I know that he flirts with her all the time. He is a chef, she is the hostess, but she is going to school for something financial, economics maybe? I don't think he's actually asked her out or anything. She knows about me, but I don't know. There is a lot of cheating going on at that restaurant, and I don't know that she is above it. I'm not completely sure that something hasn't already happened and I think he feels like getting me on board with poly is a way to have us both.

Yes, serious talking, I do need to prepare and figure out what to say.
 
There is a lot of cheating going on at that restaurant, and I don't know that she is above it. I'm not completely sure that something hasn't already happened and I think he feels like getting me on board with poly is a way to have us both.
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Sigh. Get yourself tested for STDs, do not share sex with him without a condom.

Get to the bottom of all this.

Again, I am sorry you deal in all this.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry you deal in this.



Just tell him up front where your willingness to participate lies:

"No. I am not up for poly at this time. I'm not ruling it out as a possibility in the future, but nope. Not up for it now during baby time."

He wants more details why?

  • The division of labor and time is skewed right now as it is. You are exhausted. He is not meeting your need for help.
  • He has a Peter Pan habit you do not enjoy -- not thinking things out.
  • What's his plan to handle finances? Dating costs money. Is that money better spent on lawn or maid service so both of you catch a break on the house front so you free up time to deal with new parenting work or time with each other or even just SLEEP? Is he also dating you and you guys get couple time alone? Not always being mom and dad?
  • What's his plan to handle poly hell?
  • Should dating a coworker go badly... what's his plan to deal with working with an ex? Will having a crazy ex at work affect his job security?

What's his plan to address those areas? (Or is his plan to Peter Pan some more?)

He's not obligated to change anything about things after the conversation.

But if what you get here is basically what you get? And his way of going is not meeting your needs? YOU can then decide if you want to keep on with a Peter Pan type that you have to "carry" or if you prefer to move on yourself and later seek a partner who pulls their weight rather than expecting a ride.

It's not a fun conversation to have. But I think better to know what you have on your plate than avoid having the conversation just because it's not a fun one.

I would say be up front and clear about where you stand. Let him handle his emotional management himself.



How about...


"These the responsibilities we agreed you would meet. You are not meeting them at this time. What's your plan to address that?

When you do not keep agreements or meet the responsibilities in a 2 adult, 1 infant dynamic and cover all bases well --- how does that inspire confidence that you will keep agreements and you will cover all bases well in a 3 adult, 1 infant dynamic?"​

Leave all evaluations out of it -- don't comment on his immaturity or lack of "grow the fuck up." Think it if you like. Just focus on behavior done/not done.

Trash is either taken out or not. Both have eyes. Both can see it. YKWIM?

It's not making it personal -- it's about the job being done or not. And it cuts the crap.

IME, Peter Pan types want to slide, change the spotlight on to ANYTHING but their own behavior. So keep it on behavior done/not done.

Galagirl
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Thank you, I'm going to use that. And, no I don't think he has any plans financial or otherwise. It is like he is blind with his new infatuation and doesn't see any of the reality of the situation.
 
GalaGirl said:
Sigh. Get yourself tested for STDs, do not share sex with him without a condom.

Get to the bottom of all this.

Again, I am sorry you deal in all this.

Galagirl
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I will. I know that I should have already. I talk about him being in fantasy land, but I guess I've been burying my own head in the sand as well.

Thank you also for the info on Poly Hell. I think I'll be printing that out.
 
Aw crap. I'm so very sorry to hear that. Take some time to collect yourself - maybe have him move out, or else take kiddo and both of you go stay with friends/family for a while. You need to give yourself space to regroup and decide what your next steps are. Don't get into conversation with him until you've had that break. Again, really sorry that this was the root cause.
 
Joanne said:
Well, he's cheating. He's been cheating since I was pregnant. I'm done.
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Unfortunately that happens, cheater wants to make his affair legit then suggests poly hoping wifey doesn't find out. Im sorry this happened to you but he sounds like a selfish prick anyway, you deserve to be with a grown up
 
I am so sorry. *hugs*
 
I am so sorry. :(

Finding out he has been cheating all this time is just awful. Trying to whitewash it with polyamory... That
is awful too.

I hope you are able to disentangle yourself from this and in time find healing.

Hugs,

Galagirl
 
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Thank you all so much! I'm really amazed and thankful at the support I've gotten here. You folks have shown me what is actually possible with this kind of relationships. I obviously don't think I can go there, but have learned so much. I'm not sure where my partner and I are going, but it won't be together. I just don't think I can get past the betrayal. Again, I'm so thankful for you all and impressed with how happy people can be if everyone is honest and makes sure all needs are met. I'm probably going to bow out at this point, but seriously, thank you.
 
We're always here, if you ever need us in the future. Even if it's just for some company! You're always welcome amongst us.

I hope your future partner/s will treat you a lot better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin. I don't know why I keep coming back. You folks are all so welcoming, so I'm glad you don't mind me lurking about.
 
Joanne said:
Thanks Kevin. I don't know why I keep coming back. You folks are all so welcoming, so I'm glad you don't mind me lurking about.
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I know.....EXACTLY why you keep coming back like I do.....

It is because, even for mono folk, the advice and support here is about the best place you will find.

Ive seen soooo much stuff on here for relationship help.. its is a wonderful place.:D
 
bassman said:
It is because, even for mono folk, the advice and support here is about the best place you will find.
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I absolutely agree with this!

Based on the advice, conversations and insight that I have read here I have been better able to advise/counsel my clients in their relationship woes - regardless of the structure of their relationships (which is an important, though unofficial, part of my job). We have seen so many people in so many situations with so many outcomes come and go, even in just my few years here. Most issues are personal or inter-personal issues - not necessarily "poly" ones. The collective "relationship experience" of this forum is really rather amazing if you ask me! With SO MANY perspectives represented!
 
bassman said:
Ive seen soooo much stuff on here for relationship help.. its is a wonderful place.:D
Click to expand...

Another voice of agreement here. :D My tolerance for sexual relationships is so low that I don't see me ever getting to a point where I would be willing to have more than one of them be in my life or in a partner's life.

I pretty much like monogamy, lots of friends and lots of interests.

But - the folks here are clear headed and compassionate. I like the discussions and I like the kindness that I see so often.

So I stick around.
 
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