FallenAngelina
Well-known member
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So glad to hear it, Journey. Sending more good thoughts your way.
How do I even start to explain??
- Thread starter Journeyofawakening
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So glad to hear it, Journey. Sending more good thoughts your way.
Like!
Good! Real life friends who are open minded, liberal Christians or others, will help a lot. There are also online fora for people getting out of controlling religions or cults.
I told you how my niece got out. Here is another story.
A friend of mine was in a strict Christian cult, even to the point of being "quiverfull," that is, no birth control, having another kid every couple years. Finally when she and her husband had 7 kids, and she had no freedom outside the home, expected to be a wife, mother, housewife and nothing else, they both began to question... what in the heck are we doing? She is a brilliant woman and was very bored and frustrated.
They left the cult (and her parents were part of it). Went on to join the modern world. She is now a middle aged woman, going for her doctorate in chemistry. Her kids are grown and range from being doctors (2 of her daughters are doctors), to punk rock band musicians, etc.
Luckily for her, her husband joined her on her journey. But she is so strong, I am sure she would've left the cult even if he hadn't had the same epiphany.
Journeyofawakening
Member
That sounds extreme Mags, poor people! I don't feel like I have anything like that to escape. The people at church haven't said much to me, except a few want to meet up with me to chat with me as they are concerned about me. My husband has said he doesn't agree with what I'm doing (spiritually) but he accepts that it's my choice. They all just think I'm confused or deceived by the enemy. But they can think what they like.
When it comes to polyamory...I guess his response is the same as many men's response would be, regardless of their spiritual views. He's just monogamous. That's how we started our relationship, and that's how he assumed it would continue as no one around us does any different. Especially in the church!
I won't be mentioning any of it until we get to counselling. I want someone to be there to hear what is said and someone to intervene when he talks over me!
I spoke to him about his threat to take the children away from me and the impression that I got is that he said that as an 'in-the-moment' reaction. When he said it, he said he didn't want the kids to see mummy with 4, 5, 6...men around. So clearly he doesn't understand my personal idea of polyamory because that isn't it. He is fearful of what he doesn't understand. So hopefully through counselling I can get him to understand. Even if he doesn't agree to it.
When it comes to polyamory...I guess his response is the same as many men's response would be, regardless of their spiritual views. He's just monogamous. That's how we started our relationship, and that's how he assumed it would continue as no one around us does any different. Especially in the church!
I won't be mentioning any of it until we get to counselling. I want someone to be there to hear what is said and someone to intervene when he talks over me!
I spoke to him about his threat to take the children away from me and the impression that I got is that he said that as an 'in-the-moment' reaction. When he said it, he said he didn't want the kids to see mummy with 4, 5, 6...men around. So clearly he doesn't understand my personal idea of polyamory because that isn't it. He is fearful of what he doesn't understand. So hopefully through counselling I can get him to understand. Even if he doesn't agree to it.
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LOL. That reminds to my wife, though she was the one starting with another man. In the process of opening up she needed to give me also the freedom to find other relationships. I didn't act on it yet, but nevertheless after a few weeks she was somehow scared and asked me how many women I am planning to have. REALLY??? I was just (and actually I am still) in the process to find an image of how my life could look like with just one more woman in the picture.
But that's it somehow. If somehting you have taken for granted for so long suddenly changes, it's hard to keep the grip on reality.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to be very worried about how polyamory will fit in with parenting. Particularly when those children have been raised in a traditional, conservative home. That is what any decent parent would do. Even if I had raised my children in a completely non traditional poly family and then I was going to settle into a monogamous conservative relationship, I'd expect their other parent(s) to point out that the kids just aren't used to this and ask how I am going to make sure the transition isn't too much on them.
Your spouse of many years suddenly announcing that they are someone different to who they have seemed to be throughout your relationship is a big deal. I think some people on this thread underestimate that and think everyone should just be alright with their partner coming out and changing the scope of their entire relationship. This is where the idea that poly people are completely selfish stems from.
I don't think that your religion has anything to do with his reaction. He is simply terrified that his wife is wanting things vastly different from what they've got in the life they built together and he is worried about what it means. Does it mean she has lost her mind? Does it mean it was all a lie? Does she feel differently about him? All perfectly normal reactions to your wife saying she wants to change your whole lifestyle.
Your spouse of many years suddenly announcing that they are someone different to who they have seemed to be throughout your relationship is a big deal. I think some people on this thread underestimate that and think everyone should just be alright with their partner coming out and changing the scope of their entire relationship. This is where the idea that poly people are completely selfish stems from.
I don't think that your religion has anything to do with his reaction. He is simply terrified that his wife is wanting things vastly different from what they've got in the life they built together and he is worried about what it means. Does it mean she has lost her mind? Does it mean it was all a lie? Does she feel differently about him? All perfectly normal reactions to your wife saying she wants to change your whole lifestyle.
Journeyofawakening
Member
I completely agree Max, which is why the title of this thread is what it is. How do you even begin to explain something like that? I am hoping counselling will give us an opportunity to discuss all of this. However right now he seems to think I was only interested in someone else because he wasn't giving me enough attention and that's not it at all. He's acting like if he gives me enough attention everything will be back to normal. It can never be back to normal...
Yes and no. Being worried is indeed perfectly normal. However, before I threaten to my partner to take the kids away, I need much much more than some worries. I nearly need proof. I need to see that it is indeed affecting them in a bad way - being in a way worse then losing the mother.
His not having discussing the affect to the children makes quite clear, that it is not his worries about the children, but his worries about himself what made him act like that!
He even can declare to not being willing to continue the relationship. No one here would blame him (at least not badly). But taking the mother away from the children? Sorry. No go.
Additionally, children are more flexible than you expect them to be, at least imho. If they still feel loved and valued by both parents they accept a lot of changes in the environment.
Journeyofawakening
Member
Just wanted to point out...I didn't expect him to be like "oh you're polyamorous? Great lets go find some other people to get it on with!" I expected to be given space to explain myself, I expected a bit more open-minded-ness and less controlling behaviour. That's not too much to ask right?? That's why counselling will help. Because I can explain myself to her and he has to sit and listen to it.
Journeyofawakening
Member
Well exactly. Just goes to show he doesn't understand polyamory. It's not about me wanting to go and have sex with whoever I fancy (pretty sure I'm demisexual anyway) and does he think that I am irresponsible when it comes to my children?! I would be very careful to make sure they understood what was going on at an age appropriate level. I think their parents splitting would be more disruptive for them than mummy getting to be who she is and having more love in their lives.
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That's why I think it's important to make sure you both are as certain that you can be that you do have a healthy, strong and loving relationship.
Just to flip it around again, I can imagine a poly person who meets someone and decides that a conservative, monogamous relationship is what they need now. Their ex partners and maybe even current partners who have been let go as a result of this epiphany now can't believe that this previously poly person (PP) was ever happy or fulfilled with them and now they've met someone truly compatible, they don't need "more". Of course, that probably wouldn't be the truth. The PP person was truly content at that time, but now they need something different.
I think time, counselling and lots of reassurance is the way forward.
I would say its about 90%, as religion is not about having new ideas... it is anti "think for yourself" actually.
Not all religions promote that, actually, but that's neither here nor there. Many people would be concerned about their spouse suddenly waiting to change their entire lifestyle. That's why I say I don't think it primarily about religion.
Journeyofawakening
Member
I know what you're saying. It isn't primarily about religion, but it will have a huge influence on whether he'll even consider it. It would be quite a culture shock for anyone regardless of their beliefs if they are mono and as the relationship started out as a mono one. However, the church will have a big part to play in whether he'll be open to the idea in the future. If he stays in the church, he might not ever consider it because he knows what their opinion of it will be.
You may have to try out more than one therapist
Keep in mind the first therapist you try may not work for you even if they are poly positive or at least open minded. One of the things I love about my husband is that he is a great talker BUT we have had therapists over the years who let him run away with our sessions because of that. Make sure you tell the therapist early on that you want to be sure you do not get talked over. Even then it may not work.
Leetah
Keep in mind the first therapist you try may not work for you even if they are poly positive or at least open minded. One of the things I love about my husband is that he is a great talker BUT we have had therapists over the years who let him run away with our sessions because of that. Make sure you tell the therapist early on that you want to be sure you do not get talked over. Even then it may not work.
Leetah
Journeyofawakening
Member
Thank you Leetah, I'm not the kind of person who is easy to talk over haha!! .