opalescent
Active member
You're not. It can be really hard sometimes to be who one truly is. 
How do I even start to explain??
- Thread starter Journeyofawakening
- Start date
Journeyofawakening
Member
You're not. It can be really hard sometimes to be who one truly is.
I hate hurting the people I love to be who I truly am. I wish I had figured all this out years and years ago.
You are not a monster.
If he feels stuff, he feels stuff. You are not doing it TO him.
You are moving toward being AND expressing your honest, authentic self. That will come with some growing pains for you, and for spouse, and for the marriage.
You just told him more stuff to process. He's stomped off having an emotional cow. Let him have it.
Again, could hold space and wait for him to cool off and for rational brain to have time to come on board before continuing the conversation.
He's off in emotional brain right now.
Hang in there.
hugs,
Galagirl
If he feels stuff, he feels stuff. You are not doing it TO him.
You are moving toward being AND expressing your honest, authentic self. That will come with some growing pains for you, and for spouse, and for the marriage.
You just told him more stuff to process. He's stomped off having an emotional cow. Let him have it.
Again, could hold space and wait for him to cool off and for rational brain to have time to come on board before continuing the conversation.
He's off in emotional brain right now.
Hang in there.
hugs,
Galagirl
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Journeyofawakening
Member
His emotional cow involved him calling my parents and telling them. When I specifically asked him not to talk to them about me.
I'm off in emotional brain too
I am so sorry. You opened up to share your vulnerable with your husband, and he's choosing to act out and involve more people/escalate rather than calm down first/de-escalate.
Try your best to hold space for YOU then. You going off doing emotional acting out things won't help here.
Do you have a poly friendly counselor in line already to help support you through this?
When ready, do try to connect with other people more of like mind. This quiz
http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx
might help you figure out what groups might be close.
There's Church of the Large Fellowship if you like UU. (online church) There are other resources as well.
https://www.unitarian.org.uk/civicrm-contact-distance-search
http://www.uupa.org
I am really sorry this is going down this way.
Galagirl
Try your best to hold space for YOU then. You going off doing emotional acting out things won't help here.
Do you have a poly friendly counselor in line already to help support you through this?
When ready, do try to connect with other people more of like mind. This quiz
http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx
might help you figure out what groups might be close.
There's Church of the Large Fellowship if you like UU. (online church) There are other resources as well.
https://www.unitarian.org.uk/civicrm-contact-distance-search
http://www.uupa.org
I am really sorry this is going down this way.
Galagirl
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Journeyofawakening
Member
He has betrayed my trust and 'outed' me to my parents including my bisexuality without my permission. I can't actually believe it.
That really sucks.
Re (from Journeyofawakening):
You're not a monster, period. That much is plain to me from reading your posts.
I'm sure your husband is in shock. I don't know whether divorce is in your future but even if it is, I'm not ready to give up hope that he'll calm down after awhile. Maybe he'll conclude that the two of you aren't compatible. Which I could understand; you probably could too.
As annoying as I find churches to be at times, I don't believe they house a lot of monsters. Just people who need something to believe in. Who need a large peer group to help make it all seem real. As Elmer Gantry (in the movie of the same name) said, "People everywhere are the same. They're all afraid to die."
My point is I don't mean to villainize religious people. Just poke fun at them. So, I don't mean to make your husband look like a bad guy. Neither of you are bad guys. You're just going through a difficult transition and your paths seem to be diverging. Which is a painful experience.
Sorry you're going through that.
Re (from Post #162):
I often wish the same thing. I wish I could have warned my (then to-be) wife what she was getting into. But, then I remember that the road I traveled is what deposited me where I am today. I have a very good life, and my wonderful poly companions are happy to have me with them. In life, some good things happen and some bad things happen, and they're all bundled up together. In the end you just do the best you can, from one moment to the next.
Sorry to hear your husband told your parents. I suppose he was hurting so much that he decided he wanted to hurt you too. Doesn't excuse his behavior, but perhaps makes it less mysterious.
I hope it helps a little to have this online community to lean on.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Re (from Journeyofawakening):
You're not a monster, period. That much is plain to me from reading your posts.
I'm sure your husband is in shock. I don't know whether divorce is in your future but even if it is, I'm not ready to give up hope that he'll calm down after awhile. Maybe he'll conclude that the two of you aren't compatible. Which I could understand; you probably could too.
As annoying as I find churches to be at times, I don't believe they house a lot of monsters. Just people who need something to believe in. Who need a large peer group to help make it all seem real. As Elmer Gantry (in the movie of the same name) said, "People everywhere are the same. They're all afraid to die."
My point is I don't mean to villainize religious people. Just poke fun at them. So, I don't mean to make your husband look like a bad guy. Neither of you are bad guys. You're just going through a difficult transition and your paths seem to be diverging. Which is a painful experience.
Sorry you're going through that.
Re (from Post #162):
I often wish the same thing. I wish I could have warned my (then to-be) wife what she was getting into. But, then I remember that the road I traveled is what deposited me where I am today. I have a very good life, and my wonderful poly companions are happy to have me with them. In life, some good things happen and some bad things happen, and they're all bundled up together. In the end you just do the best you can, from one moment to the next.
Sorry to hear your husband told your parents. I suppose he was hurting so much that he decided he wanted to hurt you too. Doesn't excuse his behavior, but perhaps makes it less mysterious.
I hope it helps a little to have this online community to lean on.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Journeyofawakening
Member
Yes I am in shock. It's the most cowardly thing I've ever seen him do. He is refusing to speak to me (I mean...really????) so I had to tell him via my dad (really?!??) that he can stay at their house tonight and I'll see him in the morning. I hope I can sleep. Thanks to you guys for being there for me.
I was expecting a negative reaction, I'm not naive; but this is just something else.
I was expecting a negative reaction, I'm not naive; but this is just something else.
In situations like this, I always think, "Now Kevin, don't let your bias against religion affect your judgment here. The guy can't be *that* deeply entrenched." And then something like this happens.
I suppose it will take awhile for you to process this. Kind of like if there's a sudden death in the family, everyone is too stunned to actually start grieving. Until the chaos of the first few weeks with the funeral have passed, and life returns to "normal." That's when you realize nothing's normal, and never will be again.
I'm so sorry your husband let you down, you never knew he was capable of this. I'm still going to hold out hope that he'll come to his senses ...
I suppose it will take awhile for you to process this. Kind of like if there's a sudden death in the family, everyone is too stunned to actually start grieving. Until the chaos of the first few weeks with the funeral have passed, and life returns to "normal." That's when you realize nothing's normal, and never will be again.
I'm so sorry your husband let you down, you never knew he was capable of this. I'm still going to hold out hope that he'll come to his senses ...
I hope you can sleep also.
Remember to BREATHE. Take it easy, one thing at a time. Do your self care as you navigate the next few days -- maintain your sleep schedule, eating schedule, talk walks for stress management, etc. If you haven't already, do try to line up an appointment with a poly friendly counselor to support you through this. Internet can help some, but help on the local level is so much more.
He's processing his own shock. All people are not emotionally courageous.
That isn't an excuse for his betraying behavior though. I'm not even sure what he thought your parents would do -- put you in the naughty chair and make you take it all back? So bizarre.
Hang in there!
Galagirl
Remember to BREATHE. Take it easy, one thing at a time. Do your self care as you navigate the next few days -- maintain your sleep schedule, eating schedule, talk walks for stress management, etc. If you haven't already, do try to line up an appointment with a poly friendly counselor to support you through this. Internet can help some, but help on the local level is so much more.
He's processing his own shock. All people are not emotionally courageous.
That isn't an excuse for his betraying behavior though. I'm not even sure what he thought your parents would do -- put you in the naughty chair and make you take it all back?
So bizarre.Hang in there!
Galagirl
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I don't have much time for posting right now, but want to send (((HUGS))) to you, Journey. I am so sorry all this had to happen to you Hang in there! Life will get better one day for you, it did for me. It was all worth it to gain my freedom as much as it did hurt when it was happening.
Listen to GalaGirl - remember to breathe, eat and sleep.
Hang in there! Life will get better one day for you, it did for me. It was all worth it to gain my freedom as much as it did hurt when it was happening.Listen to GalaGirl - remember to breathe, eat and sleep.
InfinitePossibility
New member
This all sounds incredibly tough. I firmly believe that questioning and examining beliefs - and everything else - is a good thing to do. Particularly things that are used to get obedience from large groups of people. Religion, government, how workplaces are structured. All up for debate and discussion in my mind.
I can't related to the religious stuff you've been involved with. My dad was very anti-religion and my mum isn't bothered about it. None of us were baptised into any religion. My dad wrote a letter about how he wanted his funeral to be done and in it he said that he really didn't want any kind of religious person having any part of it. His preference was for his friends and family to do the whole things together but if we found that too hard, we could get a humanist to conduct the ceremony. People loved my dad so much that a group of his friends and family conducted the ceremony together.
Anyway - I don't get organised religions being a large part of people's lives because it isn't part of my experience but I can kind of understand your husband's reaction.
To him, everything that he thought he knew about you has suddenly changed and not for the better. I can imagine that I would feel a huge amount of concern if my partner, Art, came to me and told me that he'd given up drinking alcohol, joined the local catholic church, would be attending mass every Sunday, eating fish every Friday and could only continue in a relationship with me if we got married and started trying to have children.
If Art suddenly changed in that way, I would have to wonder if he was okay. I'd start to wonder if he'd been hit on the head, had a brain tumour or was starting to develop dementia. I'd certainly talk to other people who are close to him to get their feelings on the matter. I wouldn't do it to get him under control but rather as a way of trying to understand the changes that were happening to him and to our relationship.
I feel like I know Art very well and if he were to change so dramatically, I probably would worry that something was wrong with him.
I know that it isn't great for you but I think it is at least possible that your husband is reaching out to people that he knows you are close to because he's worried about you. His world is in flux and he doesn't know what to do. I'm guessing that for him, you suddenly leaving the church and informing him that you are bisexual is as shocking and worrying as it would be if Art were to come to me and tell me that he had become catholic and needed me to marry him and start having children.
Big changes are not easy all round and I suspect that your husband is struggling himself and is probably not in a place where he can be a support to you.
For all of that - his journey and how he copes are his. You can still look after yourself and follow Galagirl's excellent advice.
IP
I can't related to the religious stuff you've been involved with. My dad was very anti-religion and my mum isn't bothered about it. None of us were baptised into any religion. My dad wrote a letter about how he wanted his funeral to be done and in it he said that he really didn't want any kind of religious person having any part of it. His preference was for his friends and family to do the whole things together but if we found that too hard, we could get a humanist to conduct the ceremony. People loved my dad so much that a group of his friends and family conducted the ceremony together.
Anyway - I don't get organised religions being a large part of people's lives because it isn't part of my experience but I can kind of understand your husband's reaction.
To him, everything that he thought he knew about you has suddenly changed and not for the better. I can imagine that I would feel a huge amount of concern if my partner, Art, came to me and told me that he'd given up drinking alcohol, joined the local catholic church, would be attending mass every Sunday, eating fish every Friday and could only continue in a relationship with me if we got married and started trying to have children.
If Art suddenly changed in that way, I would have to wonder if he was okay. I'd start to wonder if he'd been hit on the head, had a brain tumour or was starting to develop dementia. I'd certainly talk to other people who are close to him to get their feelings on the matter. I wouldn't do it to get him under control but rather as a way of trying to understand the changes that were happening to him and to our relationship.
I feel like I know Art very well and if he were to change so dramatically, I probably would worry that something was wrong with him.
I know that it isn't great for you but I think it is at least possible that your husband is reaching out to people that he knows you are close to because he's worried about you. His world is in flux and he doesn't know what to do. I'm guessing that for him, you suddenly leaving the church and informing him that you are bisexual is as shocking and worrying as it would be if Art were to come to me and tell me that he had become catholic and needed me to marry him and start having children.
Big changes are not easy all round and I suspect that your husband is struggling himself and is probably not in a place where he can be a support to you.
For all of that - his journey and how he copes are his. You can still look after yourself and follow Galagirl's excellent advice.
IP
In the UK, it's actually *less* likely that sole custody would be awarded to a partner involved in any kind of fundamental religious group. However, depending on the age of the children, they will ask them questions about where they would like primary residence to be, and honestly, it sounds to this staunch atheist in the corner like you and your husband already did quite the brain-washing trick on them already. If your husband starts telling them that their mum is evil and that if they come and live with you they will go to hell, how are you going to respond to that? How do you think *they* will respond to that?
With regards to your husband outing you to your parents like that, well, I think you need to just take a deep breath and wait for him to calm down enough to talk to you. Wait and see if he did it out of malice, or concern, as the previous poster suggested. Try to keep things in perspective, even if he can't. You haven't demanded that your relationship change. You have simply revealed a truth about yourself. You have been honest. You are reaching out to him to see whether you are still in a good position to support each other in life.
The problem is not that you are bisexual or poly or no longer into your church. The problem was simply that your husband no longer knew who you were. You said repeatedly on this thread, that you know he loves you, and you him, but I'm not sure that is something you can take for granted here. It sounds to me like he loves who he *thinks* you are - the image he has made of you in his own mind. That's doing you and himself a disservice. In marrying you, he made a commitment to you to love you not just as you were that day, but to also try to grow with you as you each change. So he should want to know who you are, as you change, instead of burying his head in the sand and rejecting every chance you have given him of coming to know you better. He may or may not figure that out on his own eventually.
I think this is a situation of hope for the best but plan for the worst. He might love the idealised image of his wife more than the woman standing before him. He might not have the strength or courage to accept you, even if he wants to, if accepting you puts him at odds with his church and community. He may genuinely believe that you are a threat to your own children. Your parents may agree with him. I'm truly sorry you are going through this, but I don't think it's helpful to sugar-coat things. If he's not talking to you, I would at least be trying to explain things from my perspective to my parents so they are not just getting his incomplete (since he didn't stick around long enough for you to explain things fully) and possibly warped (by his own beliefs) perspective.
The problem is not that you are bisexual or poly or no longer into your church. The problem was simply that your husband no longer knew who you were. You said repeatedly on this thread, that you know he loves you, and you him, but I'm not sure that is something you can take for granted here. It sounds to me like he loves who he *thinks* you are - the image he has made of you in his own mind. That's doing you and himself a disservice. In marrying you, he made a commitment to you to love you not just as you were that day, but to also try to grow with you as you each change. So he should want to know who you are, as you change, instead of burying his head in the sand and rejecting every chance you have given him of coming to know you better. He may or may not figure that out on his own eventually.
I think this is a situation of hope for the best but plan for the worst. He might love the idealised image of his wife more than the woman standing before him. He might not have the strength or courage to accept you, even if he wants to, if accepting you puts him at odds with his church and community. He may genuinely believe that you are a threat to your own children. Your parents may agree with him. I'm truly sorry you are going through this, but I don't think it's helpful to sugar-coat things. If he's not talking to you, I would at least be trying to explain things from my perspective to my parents so they are not just getting his incomplete (since he didn't stick around long enough for you to explain things fully) and possibly warped (by his own beliefs) perspective.
Crazy Christians do crazy things when one of their flock has doubts and rebels.
My one niece (on my husband's side of the family) was raised in a super religious Christian home. I'd call it a cult. She had to go to the school run by the cult, she had to wear dresses or skirts all the time, and split skirts (culottes) even for swimming. All kinds of religious observances were required. Hair length for men was prescribed. No jewelry was allowed except a wedding ring or small cross, etc etc.
Thing is, she is a butch lesbian and hates to wear anything but pants. She needed to be free, and go her own way. When she was 18, she'd saved money, bought her own car. She went to drive away and her mother, my sister in law, ran after her, in her fuzzy slippers and with a wooden spoon in her hand (she'd been cooking) and threw herself on the hood of the car. My niece drove down the street very slowly until her screaming mother finally got off. Then my niece drove to her great aunt's house. The great aunt wasn't in the cult, and let my niece live with her for until she got 2 years of college (not easy, since the cult school didn't teach her science) and a career going. She also found a female partner, they bought a house, got married when it became legal, etc.
Her mom was extremely bitter for, I'd say, 2 or 3 years, but she finally accepted my niece for who she is and they now have a decent relationship.
So, for now, take this all one day at time. But you must find support outside of your cult for your new lifestyle. Most people in England are NOT evangelical Christians! I hope you take the advice here and find a community who can support you, emotionally, and spiritually. There is even a chance you can get some financial support, should you need it.
(((hugs)))
My one niece (on my husband's side of the family) was raised in a super religious Christian home. I'd call it a cult. She had to go to the school run by the cult, she had to wear dresses or skirts all the time, and split skirts (culottes) even for swimming. All kinds of religious observances were required. Hair length for men was prescribed. No jewelry was allowed except a wedding ring or small cross, etc etc.
Thing is, she is a butch lesbian and hates to wear anything but pants. She needed to be free, and go her own way. When she was 18, she'd saved money, bought her own car. She went to drive away and her mother, my sister in law, ran after her, in her fuzzy slippers and with a wooden spoon in her hand (she'd been cooking) and threw herself on the hood of the car. My niece drove down the street very slowly until her screaming mother finally got off. Then my niece drove to her great aunt's house. The great aunt wasn't in the cult, and let my niece live with her for until she got 2 years of college (not easy, since the cult school didn't teach her science) and a career going. She also found a female partner, they bought a house, got married when it became legal, etc.
Her mom was extremely bitter for, I'd say, 2 or 3 years, but she finally accepted my niece for who she is and they now have a decent relationship.
So, for now, take this all one day at time. But you must find support outside of your cult for your new lifestyle. Most people in England are NOT evangelical Christians! I hope you take the advice here and find a community who can support you, emotionally, and spiritually. There is even a chance you can get some financial support, should you need it.
(((hugs)))
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
~ Ditto ~
Sending good thoughts to you, Journey. You're a courageous woman and will soon find many people who love you for who you truly are. Make yourself visible so you all can find each other.