How do I even start to explain??

Journeyofawakening said:
Well exactly. Just goes to show he doesn't understand polyamory. It's not about me wanting to go and have sex with whoever I fancy (pretty sure I'm demisexual anyway) and does he think that I am irresponsible when it comes to my children?! I would be very careful to make sure they understood what was going on at an age appropriate level. I think their parents splitting would be more disruptive for them than mummy getting to be who she is and having more love in their lives.
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I think it is sad that people don't understand, when making a marriage commitment, that you're committing to the person you are marrying, a growing evolving being, not a stuck in time 25 year old (or whatever age they are at the moment the officiator announces you as legally married). How weird would that be, to be married to someone who never grew emotionally as they aged? Eek! Everything that happens to you changes you. Body issues, new job, loss of loved ones, illnesses, job advancements, becoming parents, wonderful trips to new places, a new bigger house and yard, etc., etc. We should expect this and be prepared for this, not require a "good wife" stuck in time, obedient to her Man as she was at 19 or 25, when she was young and naive and trying to please.

bassman said:
I would say its about 90%, as religion is not about having new ideas... it is anti "think for yourself" actually.
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MightyMax said:
Not all religions promote that, actually...
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Many forms of Christianity do promote an anti-intellectual (and subtly misogynistic) stance. That is the focus of this thread.

Many people would be concerned about their spouse suddenly waiting to change their entire lifestyle. That's why I say I don't think it primarily about religion.
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Max, changing from mono to poly is not a "complete change of lifestyle." However, changing from being an evangelical Christian to a more open minded person might indeed cause a big lifestyle change... she is now given herself permission to be her own person! She has loosed her own slave shackles!

Journeyofawakening said:
I know what you're saying. It isn't primarily about religion, but it will have a huge influence on whether he'll even consider it. It would be quite a culture shock for anyone regardless of their beliefs if they are mono and as the relationship started out as a mono one. However, the church will have a big part to play in whether he'll be open to the idea in the future. If he stays in the church, he might not ever consider it because he knows what their opinion of it will be.
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Sheeple, sheeple who love sheeple...:rolleyes:

I have a friend who came out to his wife as a cross-dresser. She suspected for years. He tried to suppress it. Finally when the moment of truth happened, the wife panicked and expressed her fear that all cross-dressers were psychopathic murderers, and ran away to her parents with their kids. She came to her senses after a week. People watch too many weird horror films. All cross dressers are psychopathic serial killers! All poly woman are total meth head sluts that will fuck any guy that crosses their path!

Jeez, people, grow up.
 
Magdlyn said:
I think it is sad that people don't understand, when making a marriage commitment, that you're committing to the person you are marrying, a growing evolving being, not a stuck in time 25 year old (or whatever age they are at the moment the officiator announces you as legally married). How weird would that be, to be married to someone who never grew emotionally as they aged? Eek! Everything that happens to you changes you. Body issues, new job, loss of loved ones, illnesses, job advancements, becoming parents, wonderful trips to new places, a new bigger house and yard, etc., etc. We should expect this and be prepared for this, not require a "good wife" stuck in time, obedient to her Man as she was at 19 or 25, when she was young and naive and trying to please.
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And I have changed in so many aspects since then. And I'm no long accepted for things. If he cannot accept me for how I am now then we will have to stop relationshipping. Which makes me very sad, but I can't be me otherwise.

Magdlyn said:
... changing from mono to poly is not a "complete change of lifestyle." However, changing from being an evangelical Christian to a more open minded person might indeed cause a big lifestyle change... she is now given herself permission to be her own person! She has loosed her own slave shackles!
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I'm working on it...but still struggling with that. I still seem to bend over backwards to do what I'm told even when it's not what I want. Crazy. But I guess he did threaten to take my children from me...
 
There's a thin, blurry line between traditional/fundamental Christianity and monogamy. I think this has a lot to do with religion.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
And I have changed in so many aspects since then. And I'm no long accepted for things. If he cannot accept me for how I am now then we will have to stop relationshipping. Which makes me very sad, but I can't be me otherwise.



I'm working on it...but still struggling with that. I still seem to bend over backwards to do what I'm told even when it's not what I want. Crazy. But I guess he did threaten to take my children from me...
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I had the same and even the police and social services called (who, by the way, both probably thought the mom was completley wasting their time).

So now its an awful balancing line to try and walk... a delicate path indeed!
 
Of course changing the entire scope of your relationship from that of monogamy to a polyamory is a massive lifestyle change. Underestimating just how big that is will cause the couple involved with this to be on completely different pages and add to the growing distance between them.

Not only has this polyamory thing arose, she has also stopped going to church which seemed to be a big part of their life too. Although you might not see polyamory or forgoing a religion as a big deal, or a sign that she is "thinking for herself", many if not most people would see it as a sign that she's not okay and perhaps not thinking clearly at all. That is pretty big stuff in a short space of time.

That would be Iike me changing my job to running a non profit soup kitchen and becoming monogamous with my new partner. My friends and family would be incredibly worried if I suddenly announced all this.

I don't think that advising her to be unsympathetic of how her "evolution" impacts on the family unit and relationships she has built up is the way towards anything but isolation and ill feelings from the people who care about her.
 
Like I've said before, with all these changes and revelations I've been going through recently, I expected turbulence. I didn't expect everything to all be happiness and smiles. But what I actually got was controlling behaviour, telling me what to do and who I am allowed to speak to. He doesn't approve of my friends because he thinks I am I impressionable and it's their fault that I'm doing all of this. Etc.

So...Max I understand what you're saying but really, how much are they going to change their viewpoints (husband and parents) when they are entrenched in a narrow-minded way of thinking in a religion that tells them what to do and what to think? I'm not isolating myself from anyone, and I'm trying to see things from their point of view but when I open my heart up about how I'm feeling and I get threatened with my kids being taken from me, I kinda want to jump straight back out of their shoes and get back in my own because I would NEVER do that.

P.S. I think a soup kitchen sounds like a great idea...;)
 
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nycindie said:
You need an exit plan as well, so you can flee to a safe space with the children and some money if he makes threats again.
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I would refuse to take the kids from the only home they've ever known. Money wise, my name is on everything so I'm pretty safe from that point of view. My hope is that he's not as callous as to do anything stupid. All mouth and no action I think.
 
My father is from Pakistan. Thus, I've been around many committed Muslims and Christians throughout my life. Many of us kids didn't love how our parents wanted us to. Some parents got over it, some didn't. Those who did get over it didn't have to leave their faith behind. It does happen. Everyone is capable of change.

I think that a lot of parents would threaten or actually remove their child(ren) from a Co parent who they genuinely felt was not making decisions that were conducive to their wellbeing. I don't agree that polyamory indicates that a parent had skewered their priorities but other people would feel very differently. The top reason for parents withholding access from each other is because they believe someone isn't parenting in a way that they agree with, rightly or wrongly.
 
Well, he didn't even give me a chance to explain anything. Anyway, we'll see what happens with counselling next week. Thanks for your viewpoint Max
 
Re (from Journeyofawakening):
"Max I understand what you're saying but really, how much are they going to change their viewpoints (husband and parents) when they are entrenched in a narrow-minded way of thinking in a religion that tells them what to do and what to think?"
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+1.
 
Money wise, my name is on everything so I'm pretty safe from that point of view.
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I do not know how it works in the UK. But here if you and I have a joint checking account, you do not have to be there. I can go to the bank, close the checking account, or simply withdraw it all and leave the account with nothing or very little in it. Then I can move everything else to a new account only in my name. Which you cannot access.

Tread carefully..... I hope you have an account that is only in your name and your own income stream.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I do not know how it works in the UK. But here if you and I have a joint checking account, you do not have to be there. I can go to the bank, close the checking account, or simply withdraw it all and leave the account with nothing or very little in it. Then I can move everything else to a new account only in my name. Which you cannot access.

Tread carefully..... I hope you have an account that is only in your name and your own income stream.

Galagirl
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Yes, unless you trust your spouse 100% (and after flying off the handle like he did, you shouldn't), it is important to get an account in your own name, and put half of your shared savings into it. Just to be sure. When my ex h and I split, he wasn't vindictive in the least, it was all amicable, and we split our $ early on with no funny business. But other divorcing friends I have had very angry, vindictive spouses who would have withdrawn all the money and left the other penniless, just for revenge. Look out for yourself!

If you have other funds, like IRAs, that can be split as well during divorce proceedings. But that is more protected as it takes paperwork and signatures to split it.
 
MightyMax said:
Of course changing the entire scope of your relationship from that of monogamy to a polyamory is a massive lifestyle change.
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I just don't think of polyamory as a "lifestyle." It is a lovestyle. It doesn't have to change one's life massively to add a partner, at least at first. Say Journey wanted one date a week, or once a month, whatever. The kids wouldn't even have to know. Mommy is out for the evening now and then? So? She could be at a stitch and bitch meeting, or a bookclub, or going to the gym.

There are many things that compose a "lifestyle." Loving more than one could be an aspect of your lifestyle, but it's not your whole lifestyle.

But stopping going to church, Sunday services, Wednesday Bible study, choir, doing graphic design for the bulletin, other volunteer work, reading the Bible less, etc etc, that would be more of a lifestyle change than just seeing a bf once a week or less. Moving a bf in to the house? That would be more life-changing of course. It would impact the kids and maybe make friends and neighbors wonder what was going on.

Not only has this polyamory thing arose, she has also stopped going to church which seemed to be a big part of their life too. Although you might not see polyamory or forgoing a religion as a big deal, or a sign that she is "thinking for herself", many if not most people would see it as a sign that she's not okay and perhaps not thinking clearly at all. That is pretty big stuff in a short space of time.
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I agree, that leaving the church after a lifetime of being an obedient non-questioning sheep, is a big fucking deal! But I think Journey is allowed to express her own feelings here without going on and on about the feelings her husband has, and her former church community has. We can understand it's a change for them too, and it's especially hard for her husband, but excuse me if I don't have much sympathy for a religion form that has held women down for thousands of years. Thousands. Of. Years.


I don't think that advising her to be unsympathetic of how her "evolution" impacts on the family unit and relationships she has built up is the way towards anything but isolation and ill feelings from the people who care about her.
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If they cared about the real Journey, they'd show love and compassion. But this type of religion isn't real good on showing compassion for people outside their tribe. They just think she is being manipulated by the Devil. Black and white thinking does not work for everyone. It might make those fundies feel safe, but we also know of many who have been shunned by an entire church community when they stop going to church. Disowned by parents, not allowed to see younger siblings, not welcome at family get togethers, etc.
 
Magdlyn said:
I just don't think of polyamory as a "lifestyle." It is a lovestyle. It doesn't have to change one's life massively to add a partner, at least at first. Say Journey wanted one date a week, or once a month, whatever. The kids wouldn't even have to know. Mommy is out for the evening now and then? So? She could be at a stitch and bitch meeting, or a bookclub, or going to the gym.

There are many things that compose a "lifestyle." Loving more than one could be an aspect of your lifestyle, but it's not your whole lifestyle.

But stopping going to church, Sunday services, Wednesday Bible study, choir, doing graphic design for the bulletin, other volunteer work, reading the Bible less, etc etc, that would be more of a lifestyle change than just seeing a bf once a week or less. Moving a bf in to the house? That would be more life-changing of course. It would impact the kids and maybe make friends and neighbors wonder what was going on.
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It may seem to be more life changing but many view poly as less tolerable. Most people view skipping church as a lull that will go away after awhile and most understand it because its sooooooo tempting to do even for the most strident church goers. When one spouse goes to church and the other doesn't, the church going spouse doesn't feel destroyed inside and apprehensive, and scared, and jealous and feeling like they lost a part of themselves quite in the same way when a spouse is out with another lover.
 
Not all people who subscribe to a religion are "fundies". I think you have an obvious hatred towards religion and religious people and that means that you are unable to view the situation in its entirety.

Do you remember how badly you reacted to a partner wishing to conduct his lifestyle in a way that didn't suit you? You couldn't just be okay with him making his choices and living the life he wanted to, could you? It had to be him living his life in the way you needed him to or he was given the heave ho. That's why it's strange that you cannot empathize with a husband who has found out his wife doesn't want to live the way they've lived for x amount of years. I thought you'd be able to understand how frustrating it is when you cannot control the needs and desires of someone with great influence in your life.
 
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