metamours

[starlight1]

I am recently dating a man who has a long term poly partner, but i strongly dislike her.

What kind of questions should I be asking myself and him, when dating a poly person? The kind that help me ferret out red flags and not ok behaviour towards me? like for example, do I ask the man I am seeing what he discusses about me to her? Do many people practice a type of poly who doesn't have the metamours have anything to do with each other? I don't come across many people in the real world I have a strong dislike for, but this metamour is one of those, unfortunately.

All I can think of doing is minimising how much time I spend with them together?

 

[tenK]

To be fair, you have met her once. I would perhaps give her a second chance before making the decision that you guys don't get on. All kinds of things can make a person act unlike themselves in 'first meet' situations - nerves, feeling anxious, inexperience meeting other metamours, a minor squabble before leaving the house…hell, that time of the month makes me narky as hell - I'd hate to think what people would make of me if that's all they had to go on!

In general though, yes, I do think it should be something you discuss early on with your partner. Do they have particular agreements that could affect your own relationship? How much information about your relationship are you happy being shared with your metamour, and vice versa? These are all important things to be figured out. If you are someone that just straight-up hates interacting with your lovers other lovers, then that's something you need to explain in advance too. Whilst I don't think anyone should ever expect that their partners are going to be friends and want to hang out all the time, I think a lot of people have quite strong 'black and white' feelings when it comes to this issue. If you suspect you are on the hard edge of that continuum, either as someone who can only get involved with their partners other partners in some way, or as someone who wants absolutely nothing to do with them, then that's a chat that needs to happen before strong feelings develop I reckon.

I know in my own situation, it would be very hard to imagine having anything more than just a very casual liaison with someone who couldn't at least be socially present with Nina. If someone claimed to actively dislike her right off the bat, I'd probably have some major questions in my mind about whether that was the right person for me to be pursuing at that moment in time.

 

[Dagferi]

You don't have to have anything to do with your metamour.

 

[GalaGirl]

I will take the liberty of splitting your quote. Here's some ideas...

What kind of questions should I be asking myself

• Can I accept that he comes as a package deal at this time?
• Can I thrive in a polyship that contains her as his other partner?

What kind of questions should I be asking him? The kind that help me ferret out red flags and not ok behaviour towards me?

What are your stances on sex health and hygiene?

• What are your safe sex practices with your partners?
• What is your stance about children? Birth control?
• "Oopsie" pregnancies? How would you handle that?

What are your stances on INFORMATION management?

• Do you expect me to provide sex health labs when asked?
• Can I expect you to give me your sex health labs when I ask for them?
• Can I expect you to help me access your other partners sex health labs? Do you want same?
• I want to see sex health labs every ____. I take mine ____ times a year.
  
• Can I expect you not to be telling me TMI details about sex with your other partners?
• Can I expect you to AVOID sharing our TMI details with other people unless you have my consent?

What do you expect from me in terms of interacting with your other partners?

• Basic polite on the phone for calendar management?
• Basic polite if we bump into each other?
• Basic polite if we attend your bday party?
• Something else?
• I am willing to ____. I am not willing to ___.

How do you resolve conflict and do problem solving?

• What is your conflict resolution style?
• If there's a problem between me and you how would you handle it?
• If there's a problem between me and metas how would you handle it?

Really YOU have to come up with the questions because only you know what you value. You are the person in the situation who has to make the call.

But if you flat out hate her? Don't go there. Disappointing to not date him. (small stink) But it could spare you a lot of drama or grief (bigger stink) to just be firm early on and be super picky about what poly networks you join and participate in.

Galagirl

 

[Inyourendo]

I agree that you don't ever have to have anything to do with a metamore. You dont have to go to their house or attend any events. I know some people prefer it that way (everyone being involved in the same social circle) but I definitely dont. my 2 partners have nothing to do with each other and when they do have to on the rare occasion see each other than are polite and make small talk

 

[Dagferi]

I agree that you don't ever have to have anything to do with a metamore. You dont have to go to their house or attend any events. I know some people prefer it that way but I definitely dont. my 2 partners have nothing to do with each other and when they do have to on the rare occasion see each other than are polite and make small talk

Exactly...

My husbands don't have anything to do with each other. When they are in each others presence (holidays and kid events) they are civil. In a pinch they have helped each other out. But I am sure they do it for me more than anything.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi starlight,

I agree with much of what has already been said.

What kind of questions should I be asking myself and him, when dating a poly person? The kind that help me ferret out red flags and not ok behaviour towards me?

All of Gala Girl's suggestions were really great.

Essentially, as GG said, it all depends on what's important to you.

What specifically didn't you like about your new guy's partner? Anything that gives you the impression she wouldn't act kindly towards you?

like for example, do I ask the man I am seeing what he discusses about me to her?

Yes, you could ask this question. You could have a conversation about what level of privacy you two have.

Do many people practice a type of poly who doesn't have the metamours have anything to do with each other?

There are all kinds of points on the spectrum between complete disassociation and uber-closeness between metamours. There is no need to be friends with metamours, especially if you're not living in the same house or in the same social circles.

If you are going to find yourself bumping into her a lot, it might be worth considering whether you can find a way to be friendly with her or whether you need to not date this guy.

My partner has a husband (who she lives with, along with myself) and a boyfriend (who she sees once a week). Husband and boyfriend never interact and don't even like to hear about each other. They met once, a long time ago, but it was awkward. They have no desire to get to know each other. Furthermore, whenever a new guy enters my partner's life, both of them express aversion to the idea of getting to know that new person. My partner accepts this and simply keeps all of her men separate.

Incidentally, my partner used to insist that everyone became friends and got along well. She realised this wasn't fair or realistic, which is a good thing. I would find out if your new guy expects you to be friends with his partner or not. You don't even have to say outright that you dislike her - you can simply not mention anything about the three of you getting together again. If he suggests it, you don't have to appear keen. If he keeps suggesting it, you could have a conversation about whether or not the two of you need to be friends.

 

[Marcus]

I am recently dating a man who has a long term poly partner, but i strongly dislike her.

Have you considered why this might be? I don't know your situation, but is it possible that some of this strong personality conflict comes from your own insecurity?

What kind of questions should I be asking myself and him, when dating a poly person? The kind that help me ferret out red flags and not ok behaviour towards me? like for example, do I ask the man I am seeing what he discusses about me to her?

That's all personal preference, but I recommend shifting your focus. If you are concerned about what he's saying to her about you, that simply shows that you are not secure in where you are in the relationship.

Instead, shift your focus to YOU and your relationship with HIM. If he's giving you information about their relationship that is stressing you out, *that* is what you might mention to him. "I know you guys talk about that stuff but hearing about it stresses me out... quit telling me about it"

I strongly suggest you consider their relationship to be theirs, and your relationship to be yours. It sounds like you might be comparing and trying to combine.

Do many people practice a type of poly who doesn't have the metamours have anything to do with each other?

Is that what is important to you? What other people are doing?

What do *you* feel comfortable with?

All I can think of doing is minimising how much time I spend with them together?

Regardless of poly and metamours, I don't spend a lot of time with people I don't like. However, I am also very curious about why exactly I have such strong negative feelings about a person and will do a bit of self-inspection on the issue. If you really care to find a solution, you might do a bit of reflection on why you are having such strong emotional responses to this person.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi starlight1,

There are certainly people who have nothing to do with their metamours, yet their poly arrangement still works. But can I ask, what is it about this particular metamour that you don't like?

I hope I can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[MightyMax]

Why do you feel obligated to share space with this person? I wrote about this on here before but I used to heavily subscribe to the idea that I had to meet metamours and the reluctant or unwelcoming metamour was a red flag. I soon realized that other people's relationships are not mine, thus, there isn't any reason for me to expect warmth and acceptance from metamours. I should be receiving that from my partner.

If I am completely honest, I was insecure about my gender fluidity and how that would negatively impact on my relationships. I'd worry that even if a partner accepted me, as soon as they also secured themselves a cis partner, they'd no longer need or want me, the freak. My partners knew that this was a source of insecurity for me and did their best, however, I was so sure that a metamour would convince them it was wrong/bad/ugly to love me, I'd look for anything to indicate that they don't accept me. If they didn't appear to embrace me right away, I'd assume that meant they were likely to turn my partner against me.

 

[IndieSolo]

Why and how would it even matter that you don't like your metamour and don't want much contact with her? Why would your opinion of your metamour prompt you to ask about red flags to watch out for? Are you assuming that you have to all hang out and get along in order to "do poly right?"

 

[starlight1]

To be fair, you have met her once. I would perhaps give her a second chance before making the decision that you guys don't get on. All kinds of things can make a person act unlike themselves in 'first meet' situations - nerves, feeling anxious, inexperience meeting other metamours, a minor squabble before leaving the house…hell, that time of the month makes me narky as hell - I'd hate to think what people would make of me if that's all they had to go on!

In general though, yes, I do think it should be something you discuss early on with your partner. Do they have particular agreements that could affect your own relationship? How much information about your relationship are you happy being shared with your metamour, and vice versa? These are all important things to be figured out. If you are someone that just straight-up hates interacting with your lovers other lovers, then that's something you need to explain in advance too. Whilst I don't think anyone should ever expect that their partners are going to be friends and want to hang out all the time, I think a lot of people have quite strong 'black and white' feelings when it comes to this issue. If you suspect you are on the hard edge of that continuum, either as someone who can only get involved with their partners other partners in some way, or as someone who wants absolutely nothing to do with them, then that's a chat that needs to happen before strong feelings develop I reckon.

I know in my own situation, it would be very hard to imagine having anything more than just a very casual liaison with someone who couldn't at least be socially present with Nina. If someone claimed to actively dislike her right off the bat, I'd probably have some major questions in my mind about whether that was the right person for me to be pursuing at that moment in time.

I am going to do my best to reply to these one at a time, and may take a few days as I digest information received slowly, I mull it over in my mind for awhile.
Ok so starting with TenK's post.

I have not insisted on meeting other metamours, in the case of Trip, it's his partner insisting on meeting me.

In the initial date with Trip, he asked how I felt about metamours. I truthfully didn't know because besides meeting metamours at poly meet ups, and with unspecified dating partners (ie, irishcoffee and Lily) this has been a non issue. I mean, I just didn't have the experience to know what I felt about it. He also insisted on that date I didn't have to be friends or be around P if I didn't want to.

I had no problem being socially present with Trips partner, I took offence at her lack of social presence with me, and couple exclusion tactics. I have sense found out that the way they relate to each other happens to be with crass humour and jokes, that are generally cultural differences and misunderstandings. Which I have apologised for my half of that problem, however it would have been nice to be explained that this was a joke (tantrum/crass humour) between them and not just normal bad behaviour.

I I don't know why she wants to meet with me. I agree that I couldn't have anything more than casual with someone who wasn't kind and present to my other lovers too. I don't know many people's opinions on metamours, which is why I am asking, interesting you think people have black and white feelings on this...what exactly do you mean, and how did you come to that conclusion?

 

[starlight1]

You don't have to have anything to do with your metamour.

Thank you for your own opinion.

I am aski different types of ways people do it because I want to create a spreadsheet on different ways people do poly with metamours, and decide on what I like, based on the different types available. And maybe see if there's a few others not accounted for, or can be imagined up.

 

[starlight1]

I will take the liberty of splitting your quote. Here's some ideas...

• Can I accept that he comes as a package deal at this time?
• Can I thrive in a polyship that contains her as his other partner?

What are your stances on sex health and hygiene?
[LIST
[*]What are your safe sex practices with your partners?
[*]What is your stance about children? Birth control?
[*]"Oopsie" pregnancies? How would you handle that?
[/LIST]

What are your stances on INFORMATION management?

• Do you expect me to provide sex health labs when asked?
• Can I expect you to give me your sex health labs when I ask for them?
• Can I expect you to help me access your other partners sex health labs? Do you want same?
• I want to see sex health labs every ____. I take mine ____ times a year.
  
• Can I expect you not to be telling me TMI details about sex with your other partners?
• Can I expect you to AVOID sharing our TMI details with other people unless you have my consent?

What do you expect from me in terms of interacting with your other partners?

• Basic polite on the phone for calendar management?
• Basic polite if we bump into each other?
• Basic polite if we attend your bday party?
• Something else?
• I am willing to ____. I am not willing to ___.

How do you resolve conflict and do problem solving?

• What is your conflict resolution style?
• If there's a problem between me and you how would you handle it?
• If there's a problem between me and metas how would you handle it?

Really YOU have to come up with the questions because only you know what you value. You are the person in the situation who has to make the call.

But if you flat out hate her? Don't go there. Disappointing to not date him. (small stink) But it could spare you a lot of drama or grief (bigger stink) to just be firm early on and be super picky about what poly networks you join and participate in.

Galagirl

Whew, gala girl this will take a while to respond, so I shall go through each bulletin point. Thank you for your well thought out response. I have taken time to mull over this and other peoples replies in order to see where I stand in a lot of metamours poly matters.

1)can I accept he comes as a package deal at this time?
Yes. With conditions. I have no desire to be part of a heiarchy, family, live with them, or any sort of unicorn agenda. Provided he's cool with the fact I want the relationship between us to be us and not all three of us, that's cool with me. That may be a deal breaker for him. I didn't realise I would feel this way, on the first date, but exploring these things more made me realise, I am not looking to have poly = family.

2) can I thrive in poly ship that contains her as his other partner?
Unsure, maybe. This needs more information to be certain. If I can keep clear boundaries of my own time, space, needs wants, then yes, I can.

The rest of the questions I jotted down in my personal blog, along with a note to create my own as I go along. I am learning as I go along. For example, I may be soon moving in with my boyfriend Rocky, in a shared room. He will have his own home thirty minutes away so sharing part time with me. So I think that will be ok. We already discussed potential questions for him, as it was easier for me to extrapolate potential areas needing discussion when I thought of it pertaining him, than with me. So for example, I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to share the space with him with other metamours or any of my own lovers, as I wanted a space that was my own, or ours...but if we did, we would need a really good working calendar. So we worked up potential scenarios with that.

On the part of flat out hating. I am not sure I hate anyone. I hate behaviours, but not people in general. And the criticism I make online, are usually observations coloured by own my background, rather than absolute truths, as truths are subjective. I have been a visual classical artist long enough to know the difference in my view versus reality nessecarily. And what I see is not always correct. I do agree if we are very differing personalities perhaps best If I don't go there. So I am weighing that up right now, and planning to think/journal/discuss with myself and trip for a month or more until I make a decision. Certainly if it is simply a case of misunderstanding then fine, we can work to understand, but if it's a case of fundamental value differences then best to cut my losses.

 

[starlight1]

I agree that you don't ever have to have anything to do with a metamore. You dont have to go to their house or attend any events. I know some people prefer it that way (everyone being involved in the same social circle) but I definitely dont. my 2 partners have nothing to do with each other and when they do have to on the rare occasion see each other than are polite and make small talk

How do work out such things as kids events, birthdays, holidays, etc? is it rotated, or both invited? how do you secularise your social life for both?

 

[starlight1]

Exactly...

My husbands don't have anything to do with each other. When they are in each others presence (holidays and kid events) they are civil. In a pinch they have helped each other out. But I am sure they do it for me more than anything.

I admire this, is it alright to pm you to ask some practical questions in this type of arrangement?

 

[Dagferi]

How do work out such things as kids events, birthdays, holidays, etc? is it rotated, or both invited? how do you secularise your social life for both?

Easy if my husbands find themselves at the same event (in my life that would be holidays and kid events) they act like the civilized men they are.

Murf comes to my house for Christmas eve with Butch the kids and I. Then on Christmas day we watch the kids open their gifts. Then the kids Murf and I go to Murfs family.

Whomever is off work goes with me to social events. If both are off then who ever would enjoy what we are doing more gets to go. Murf's and Butch's personal social circles do not overlap.

 

[starlight1]

Why and how would it even matter that you don't like your metamour and don't want much contact with her? Why would your opinion of your metamour prompt you to ask about red flags to watch out for? Are you assuming that you have to all hang out and get along in order to "do poly right?"

I just saw this one.
Thanks for the reply NYCindie.

Ok, let's dissect and take it one question at a time.

Why does it matter that I don't like my metamour and don't want much contact?
It doesn't, to me, it does to Trips partner. Trip says it doesn't matter to him, but I wonder if it does or not in actuality. Only because, obviously his partners opinion is going to matter to him, and I don't know what kind of poly style he wants. (Not so much my problem as his and hers). They have both invited me over to their place in the future. I am uncomfortable with this since I don't want more contact.

How does it matter that I don't like my metamour?
I suppose for me I worry that I would lose a relationship with Trip because she doesn't approve of me. I guess, I need to stop worrying if she approves and if he ditches me for her rules, then that's not the poly I want anyway. (I would prefer no rules, because it implies hierarchy...and I also don't want to date someone who is poly but would ditch a perfectly healthy happy relationship for someone they just met either.) also, giving into what I don't want right now, my own needs and wants, is not the poly type I want either. So discussion with trip on this is needed about our relationship and their relationship being two separate things.

Why does your opinion of your metamour prompt you to ask about red flags?
Very good question.
Not such an easy answer.
The only thing I can accurately say about this, is I have a bad feeling about her and me interacting, that it wouldn't end well for either of us. That doesn't mean it's true, and if it's based on science or observation I am not sure I could pick apart any one thing that gave me reason to feel this way. I would say it was probably a lot of little things, on the day that felt like red flags to me, and even knowing the inside jokes now, and explanation on their humour/interactions, there was still a lot of bad behaviour I wouldn't tolerate normally that I did for the sake of Trip. That is the issue I think that is the worst. Clear boundaries on my part, ability to walk away or say no I don't like this, when it involves hurting the feelings of someone I care about.

Are you assuming you all have to hang out and get along to do poly right?
They may be. I am not. Rocky might. I will need to clarify with trip and rocky on this one.

 

[IndieSolo]

Oh, sorry, but I am finding this a little confusing, even after reading your signature. You are involved with Rocky and Trip, and it's Trip's other partner you dislike... but if Rocky wants all of you to hang out together, for some reason, you would feel obligated to do so?

 

[starlight1]

Oh, sorry, but I am finding this a little confusing, even after reading your signature. You are involved with Rocky and Trip, and it's Trip's other partner you dislike... but if Rocky wants all of you to hang out together, for some reason, you would feel obligated to do so?

No, I am not sure where i said Rocky wants to hang out all of us together.

That's trips partner, Peti, who wants us all to hang out together.

Rocky doesn't care either way.

I am setting up a meeting between Rocky and Trip at the request of both the guys wanting to put faces to each other's name.

The only one who seems invested in Trip, myself, and Peti all hanging out regularly is Peti.

Not trip or me.

And Peti then suggested we all four (rocky, trip, Peti, and myself) hang out.

This will be difficult for Rocky because he has a lot of commitments (2 jobs, large close knit family, new home, friends out side of poly, dating me) and prefers to spend his time one on one with me.

Is that a little clearer?