Let's Talk About Sex...
- Thread starter KC43
- Start date
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
My experience of that site is that the emphasis is on building community, not so much on finding specific playmates, although obviously that happens. The site seems to be set up so as to encourage group participation first, then individual contact to follow out of "knowing" people from the groups. It seems to work well, judging from the amount of women there (a lot!) If the set-up/interface mainly encouraged individual interaction like a dating site, not nearly so many women would participate, as they'd be overrun with "unproductive" messages. That's my impression. For Fetlife to "work," you have to participate longer term - unless a person is just in it to look and comment on the cavalcade of viewables.
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
It's actually the other way around. Relationships are formed from the inside out, so a fallow period is actually the perfect time to explore thoughts about your sexual desires. The more you settle into a peaceful, happy place about your sexuality, the more this peace and happiness will be reflected in your relationships, as people who mirror your conception of yourself will come into your life. Being partner-less is a great time to focus on changing and exploring what sexual peace and happiness means for you.
nycindie, I understood the post to be suggesting exploring FetLife as a way of finding out more about different kinks, activities, etc., but maybe I misunderstood.
When I was able to spend a few minutes checking out FetLife, I did look for groups to join, but trying to navigate the site to actually find groups I was interested in proved nearly impossible. I didn't even know how to begin finding out what types of groups exist on there.
Karen, I get what you're saying. But for me *right now*, sexual peace means not thinking about or dealing with sex, or relationships, and it means not bringing anyone else into my life or even being open to anyone else. Right now, I need to take care of myself as a whole person, not as a sexual person.
Previously, it wasn't about understanding my desires or sexuality; it was about finding specific sex acts that I wanted to try that *fit* my desires and sexuality, so I could try to express my wish to try those acts. Things like outdoor sex, or being blindfolded, or whatever. I know my desires and kinks and such, and *I* am okay with them. I just questioned whether my partners would be okay with me wanting those things. But that's irrelevant now. Even if I knew the specific acts I want to try, I don't have anyone to ask to try them.
Hubby's behavior has me so disgusted that I can't even think about him touching me sexually without wanting to scream or vomit. He thinks I'm not *physically* attracted to him, but since I don't actually ever look at my partner's bodies, physical attraction is irrelevant. I'm not *mentally or emotionally* attracted to Hubby right now, because the way he's withdrawn from me and the kids over the past few months, and his recent tendency of hiding in the bedroom on his days off and saying "I don't want to deal with anything or anyone, just leave me alone, I don't care if you need me to do something because I won't do it". Yesterday, I was in a severe depressive episode, to the point that I NEEDED help to pull myself out of it...and when I went to Hubby and asked for help, he rolled his eyes and said, "Sorry, I have to go to work, I'm late." And walked away without letting me respond.
So yeah. Not someone I trust, not someone I respect, and definitely not someone I want to have sex with at this point. Even if I was willing to, it would feel more like a pity fuck than anything, and I definitely wouldn't ask him for anything different, because I wouldn't believe he would respond with anything besides eyerolling.
I still don't know whether S2 still wants sex to be part of our connection or not. We're supposed to discuss it when I see him Wednesday. But given the current situation with him, I've pretty much shut off any sexual interest I might otherwise feel, because I don't deal well with waiting around for people to make up their minds. So even if he does still want sex with me, I don't know that I'll want it with him.
When I was able to spend a few minutes checking out FetLife, I did look for groups to join, but trying to navigate the site to actually find groups I was interested in proved nearly impossible. I didn't even know how to begin finding out what types of groups exist on there.
Karen, I get what you're saying. But for me *right now*, sexual peace means not thinking about or dealing with sex, or relationships, and it means not bringing anyone else into my life or even being open to anyone else. Right now, I need to take care of myself as a whole person, not as a sexual person.
Previously, it wasn't about understanding my desires or sexuality; it was about finding specific sex acts that I wanted to try that *fit* my desires and sexuality, so I could try to express my wish to try those acts. Things like outdoor sex, or being blindfolded, or whatever. I know my desires and kinks and such, and *I* am okay with them. I just questioned whether my partners would be okay with me wanting those things. But that's irrelevant now. Even if I knew the specific acts I want to try, I don't have anyone to ask to try them.
Hubby's behavior has me so disgusted that I can't even think about him touching me sexually without wanting to scream or vomit. He thinks I'm not *physically* attracted to him, but since I don't actually ever look at my partner's bodies, physical attraction is irrelevant. I'm not *mentally or emotionally* attracted to Hubby right now, because the way he's withdrawn from me and the kids over the past few months, and his recent tendency of hiding in the bedroom on his days off and saying "I don't want to deal with anything or anyone, just leave me alone, I don't care if you need me to do something because I won't do it". Yesterday, I was in a severe depressive episode, to the point that I NEEDED help to pull myself out of it...and when I went to Hubby and asked for help, he rolled his eyes and said, "Sorry, I have to go to work, I'm late." And walked away without letting me respond.
So yeah. Not someone I trust, not someone I respect, and definitely not someone I want to have sex with at this point. Even if I was willing to, it would feel more like a pity fuck than anything, and I definitely wouldn't ask him for anything different, because I wouldn't believe he would respond with anything besides eyerolling.
I still don't know whether S2 still wants sex to be part of our connection or not. We're supposed to discuss it when I see him Wednesday. But given the current situation with him, I've pretty much shut off any sexual interest I might otherwise feel, because I don't deal well with waiting around for people to make up their minds. So even if he does still want sex with me, I don't know that I'll want it with him.
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Re:
Yeah, that was my original reason for suggesting it. Although FetLife is a good social resource too.
Incidentally, I poked around a bit and can testify that it's easy to get black text on a white background in FetLife using Microsoft Internet Explorer. All I had to do (in IE) was click on Tools, then Internet options, then Accessibility, then Ignore colors specified on webpages, then OK, then OK. Other web browsers probably have similar methods.
Re:
Possibly FetLife's visual layout makes it hard to see what's going on. It has a search box and if you do a search on a topic or city, it will yield several tabs including a people tab and a group tab. Clicking on the right tab will help you find what you're looking for.
Yeah, that was my original reason for suggesting it. Although FetLife is a good social resource too.
Incidentally, I poked around a bit and can testify that it's easy to get black text on a white background in FetLife using Microsoft Internet Explorer. All I had to do (in IE) was click on Tools, then Internet options, then Accessibility, then Ignore colors specified on webpages, then OK, then OK. Other web browsers probably have similar methods.
Re:
Possibly FetLife's visual layout makes it hard to see what's going on. It has a search box and if you do a search on a topic or city, it will yield several tabs including a people tab and a group tab. Clicking on the right tab will help you find what you're looking for.
Thanks, Kevin. If I decide to give FetLife another shot, I'll remember that. Right now... I'm not much of a joiner anyway, and because of the difficulty I had with the site previously, I'm not keen on trying it again. That may change, so I do appreciate the information.
Honestly, right now... Sex isn't a thing. I'm not even writing erotic romance anymore; I tried. I can't. The words aren't flowing, and I feel sick to my stomach even contemplating writing a sex scene. I've notified my publishers that they won't be seeing anything new from me for a while, and I've notified my readers (via blog posts and Facebook statuses) that they shouldn't expect any new books from me any time soon.
I've already said how Hubby's actions and words have impacted my willingness to have sex with him. I've informed him of that as well. He thinks I'll get over it. He doesn't seem to understand that unless he makes some major changes in the way he treats me and the kids, and in his behaviors as far as taking some of the workload off of me and following through on his promises, I'm not even going to try to get over it. I said that to him; he just isn't comprehending. He seems to think this is part of *my* sexual issues rather than a symptom of serious problems in the marriage.
My sexual issues *were* playing a huge role when I first posted this thread, but now... It doesn't matter what my issues are doing. I'm married to a man with whom I feel no emotional attraction or intimacy at the moment, so sex isn't going to happen because I need emotional attraction and intimacy to want to have sex with someone. And as for S2, right now I'm not sure I give a shit whether *he* still wants sex to be part of the equation between us. His waffling and inability to decide on that is too annoying, and I don't really want to touch him either.
I have too much bullshit going on with them to even consider seeking another partner. Too much work, and too little chance of actually clicking with anyone. Right now, for me, sex isn't worth the aggravation of dealing with assholes and the inevitable "Oh, you're a horny slut whose husband doesn't satisfy her, let me fuck you and I won't tell him you're cheating on him" emails that I've been getting since we opened the marriage.
I have a vibrator if I get horny, and the fact that I find that prospect preferable to dealing with any man I know tells me that yeah, I need to set sex aside for a while. I have more important things to do, like dealing with my mental health, getting Country settled for her summer activities and classes, and maintaining Alt through her starting a new job that hopefully she'll keep for more than a month.
So celibacy it is for the time being. (And focusing on the teen novels I write rather than trying to write erotic shit that I wouldn't want to read afterward.) I do appreciate the advice and efforts of everyone who's posted here, and I plan on rereading this thread over time to see if it makes a difference. Maybe once Hubby gets his act together--or I leave, whichever comes first--or if S2 stops being indecisive and whiny, I'll want to have sex with one of them again.
Honestly, right now... Sex isn't a thing. I'm not even writing erotic romance anymore; I tried. I can't. The words aren't flowing, and I feel sick to my stomach even contemplating writing a sex scene. I've notified my publishers that they won't be seeing anything new from me for a while, and I've notified my readers (via blog posts and Facebook statuses) that they shouldn't expect any new books from me any time soon.
I've already said how Hubby's actions and words have impacted my willingness to have sex with him. I've informed him of that as well. He thinks I'll get over it. He doesn't seem to understand that unless he makes some major changes in the way he treats me and the kids, and in his behaviors as far as taking some of the workload off of me and following through on his promises, I'm not even going to try to get over it. I said that to him; he just isn't comprehending. He seems to think this is part of *my* sexual issues rather than a symptom of serious problems in the marriage.
My sexual issues *were* playing a huge role when I first posted this thread, but now... It doesn't matter what my issues are doing. I'm married to a man with whom I feel no emotional attraction or intimacy at the moment, so sex isn't going to happen because I need emotional attraction and intimacy to want to have sex with someone. And as for S2, right now I'm not sure I give a shit whether *he* still wants sex to be part of the equation between us. His waffling and inability to decide on that is too annoying, and I don't really want to touch him either.
I have too much bullshit going on with them to even consider seeking another partner. Too much work, and too little chance of actually clicking with anyone. Right now, for me, sex isn't worth the aggravation of dealing with assholes and the inevitable "Oh, you're a horny slut whose husband doesn't satisfy her, let me fuck you and I won't tell him you're cheating on him" emails that I've been getting since we opened the marriage.
I have a vibrator if I get horny, and the fact that I find that prospect preferable to dealing with any man I know tells me that yeah, I need to set sex aside for a while. I have more important things to do, like dealing with my mental health, getting Country settled for her summer activities and classes, and maintaining Alt through her starting a new job that hopefully she'll keep for more than a month.
So celibacy it is for the time being. (And focusing on the teen novels I write rather than trying to write erotic shit that I wouldn't want to read afterward.) I do appreciate the advice and efforts of everyone who's posted here, and I plan on rereading this thread over time to see if it makes a difference. Maybe once Hubby gets his act together--or I leave, whichever comes first--or if S2 stops being indecisive and whiny, I'll want to have sex with one of them again.
opalescent
Active member
KC43,
I posted this book in another thread but you might find it really informative too, 'Come as You Are' by Emily Nagoski, PhD.d.
Here's a link: http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-S.../dp/1476762090
This is the best book I have ever read about how women's desires actually work. (I'm a geek and a historian of sexuality so that's a lot of books!)
My local library had it, yours might too.
I posted this book in another thread but you might find it really informative too, 'Come as You Are' by Emily Nagoski, PhD.d.
Here's a link: http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-S.../dp/1476762090
This is the best book I have ever read about how women's desires actually work. (I'm a geek and a historian of sexuality so that's a lot of books!)
My local library had it, yours might too.
Thanks, Kevin. It is what it is. I spent most of my first marriage, and the year and a half between the end of that marriage and meeting Hubby, taking care of myself and not relying on or really dealing much with other people, so really, I'm pretty much back where I was then. Minus the abuse from my ex-husband, thank God.
Thanks, Opalescent. I'll check it out.
Thanks, Opalescent. I'll check it out.
InfinitePossibility
New member
Thanks for the recommendation. I'll have a read of it. I had a long time where I was deliciously slutty - loads of casual sex which I loved. Then a long time where I was pretty much asexual. I ended a long relationship because of a complete lack of desire. Then I felt very sexual again but didn't want the hassle of romance in my life so had sex with myself and nobody else. For the last 5 or so years I've been sexual with a much loved partner - and it's been challenging. Lots of thinking and considering and examining what I want and how to fit that in with another person.
I think the book you referenced could help with understanding some of it.
I just read this one too, and agree it's quite good. There are some bits I want to re-read, even, to try and put some stuff into play in my own life.
So a bit of an update, because I just re-read this thread... and cried for about an hour.
S2 and I are currently platonic. He says sex isn't off the table. He says he misses sex with me, and that he wants it again at some point, but right now it just isn't something he's comfortable with. Not because it's sex, but because of the intimacy, I guess. He's the type who, when he's stressed or worried, shuts himself into his brain and doesn't really connect with anyone. He told me that I'm the first person he's ever actually wanted to be around when he's dealing with this level of stress and upheaval, and that he hopes that we'll transition back to a relationship, or at least a FWB thing, in a few months, but he can't make any promises.
I told him that I miss sex with him, because it was always comfortable and sometimes fun, and we were working on making it more fun before he decided he needed to downgrade. I also pointed out that sex and relationship are not mutually inclusive; you can have one without the other. He said right now, that's more of a possibility than "re-upgrading".
Meanwhile, we are being, if anything, even more physically affectionate than before. I told him that I do understand why sex isn't a thing for him right now, but that for me, it's as much a matter of connection as of the actual sex, so I asked if we could still snuggle on the couch watching TV, or lie down together or whatever. He enjoys, and to some level needs, physical affection too, so he's been okay with that and has been good about making sure it happens. Last weekend, we went camping, and fell asleep and woke up spooning. No sex, no kissing, but at least there was that.
With Hubby... I had a long talk with him a few weeks ago and told him that because of his emotional withdrawal, I was pretty much ready to call the marriage quits. He promised to do better (heard that before...) and said he wants to work on the marriage. He said he loves me. He said he wants to have sex with me and to make it better for me.
So far... not so much. I'd pretty much already disconnected from him because he'd withdrawn from me to the extent he had. So even though I've had sex with him a couple of times, and he's tried to do things he knows I would like... I'm pretty much not even there. Part of it's that he doesn't listen when I tell him I don't want a long fuck session (i.e. 20-30 minutes of actual intercourse, not counting foreplay) where I come a bunch of times; I like a decent amount of foreplay, but intercourse gets boring as hell for me after a while. He insists that he's "supposed to" hold back from coming until I've come a whole bunch of times, even though I tell him that isn't what I want.
So we're at an impasse with that. I own my share of it, but when I'm lying there and I feel like I've had what I want and am ready for him to come, but he just keeps going and telling me "I'm not going to come yet because I want you to come more", a switch flips off in my head, and my mind wanders somewhere else. He can tell my mind has wandered and gets pissed off about it--understandably--and then he stops and doesn't come at all until later when he jerks off.
He doesn't seem capable of grasping that if he would NOT hold back on his own orgasm forever, I would be able to stay more engaged until he finishes... But as it is, after a while I start to feel like I'm trapped there until he gets off, and that makes me antsy, cranky, and then I pretty much dissociate from whatever my body's doing because I'm not getting anything out of it. So even though I'm trying to communicate what I want and need, he isn't listening...and since I'm no longer really emotionally invested in the marriage, I'm not trying too hard to improve sex with him.
Mostly I feel like I'm having sex with him because he said he wants to work on the marriage, and because he's the only available sex partner I have right now. Not because I want sex with *him*. As I said earlier in the thread, I need to feel emotionally connected to someone for sex with him to be at all good, and there's no emotional connection between Hubby and me right now. And that makes me feel pretty shitty and dishonest, which makes sex even less appealing.
S2 and I are currently platonic. He says sex isn't off the table. He says he misses sex with me, and that he wants it again at some point, but right now it just isn't something he's comfortable with. Not because it's sex, but because of the intimacy, I guess. He's the type who, when he's stressed or worried, shuts himself into his brain and doesn't really connect with anyone. He told me that I'm the first person he's ever actually wanted to be around when he's dealing with this level of stress and upheaval, and that he hopes that we'll transition back to a relationship, or at least a FWB thing, in a few months, but he can't make any promises.
I told him that I miss sex with him, because it was always comfortable and sometimes fun, and we were working on making it more fun before he decided he needed to downgrade. I also pointed out that sex and relationship are not mutually inclusive; you can have one without the other. He said right now, that's more of a possibility than "re-upgrading".
Meanwhile, we are being, if anything, even more physically affectionate than before. I told him that I do understand why sex isn't a thing for him right now, but that for me, it's as much a matter of connection as of the actual sex, so I asked if we could still snuggle on the couch watching TV, or lie down together or whatever. He enjoys, and to some level needs, physical affection too, so he's been okay with that and has been good about making sure it happens. Last weekend, we went camping, and fell asleep and woke up spooning. No sex, no kissing, but at least there was that.
With Hubby... I had a long talk with him a few weeks ago and told him that because of his emotional withdrawal, I was pretty much ready to call the marriage quits. He promised to do better (heard that before...) and said he wants to work on the marriage. He said he loves me. He said he wants to have sex with me and to make it better for me.
So far... not so much. I'd pretty much already disconnected from him because he'd withdrawn from me to the extent he had. So even though I've had sex with him a couple of times, and he's tried to do things he knows I would like... I'm pretty much not even there. Part of it's that he doesn't listen when I tell him I don't want a long fuck session (i.e. 20-30 minutes of actual intercourse, not counting foreplay) where I come a bunch of times; I like a decent amount of foreplay, but intercourse gets boring as hell for me after a while. He insists that he's "supposed to" hold back from coming until I've come a whole bunch of times, even though I tell him that isn't what I want.
So we're at an impasse with that. I own my share of it, but when I'm lying there and I feel like I've had what I want and am ready for him to come, but he just keeps going and telling me "I'm not going to come yet because I want you to come more", a switch flips off in my head, and my mind wanders somewhere else. He can tell my mind has wandered and gets pissed off about it--understandably--and then he stops and doesn't come at all until later when he jerks off.
He doesn't seem capable of grasping that if he would NOT hold back on his own orgasm forever, I would be able to stay more engaged until he finishes... But as it is, after a while I start to feel like I'm trapped there until he gets off, and that makes me antsy, cranky, and then I pretty much dissociate from whatever my body's doing because I'm not getting anything out of it. So even though I'm trying to communicate what I want and need, he isn't listening...and since I'm no longer really emotionally invested in the marriage, I'm not trying too hard to improve sex with him.
Mostly I feel like I'm having sex with him because he said he wants to work on the marriage, and because he's the only available sex partner I have right now. Not because I want sex with *him*. As I said earlier in the thread, I need to feel emotionally connected to someone for sex with him to be at all good, and there's no emotional connection between Hubby and me right now. And that makes me feel pretty shitty and dishonest, which makes sex even less appealing.
IndieSolo
Active member
It sounds to me like you need to find a different way to speak up. I know that in this thread, you've said you can't even bring up certain topics, but then several posts later, you relayed to us that you sat your partners down and spoke up for yourself quite well.
So, to me, I think you might want to reframe what happens at the point when that switch gets flipped. Instead of letting the past take over the present and thinking it's all so futile, where you're letting your mind wander and basically waiting for it all to be over, can you do something different? If he says "I'm not going to come yet..." instead of giving in, can you find a way to tell him, "I don't want you to keep going," either in words or actions? Do you think you could firmly place your hand on his chest and say very clearly, "No. I'm ready - I want you to come now" ? And if he continues when you don't want him to, can you find a way to stop him, like pushing him off of you, wriggling out from under him, pinching his arm really hard to make him notice that you don't want to keep going, things like that? I think it would benefit you to really assert yourself here.
I highlighted where you said you feel trapped also because I seem to remember that your husband only fucks you missionary style - am I remembering that correctly? To me, if this scenario were happening and I was underneath someone who insisted on doing his thing without respecting my request, I would feel trapped, too!
Do you think you could shift yourself out from under him and find a different position? For me, because I have lower back issues, I am constantly changing positions. All I do is say, "Let's do it this way," and move into another place, onto my knees, sideways, on top, whatever. I have to, or my back gets really achy. If my partner doesn't want to do it that way, he'll either do it in the position I want for a little while before moving me into another position, or he'll come up with his own idea and say, "How about this!?" I don't recall having many partners who only stay in one position.
Now, I am speaking as someone who hasn't had the kinds of past traumas you have experienced, so I can't entirely relate to what you go through, but please don't think I am being glib and saying "just do this or that!" I understand that it's very hard for you, but I did want to acknowledge that you have spoken up when you needed to and you have been able to very eloquently and clearly say what you needed to say to both your partners, but I don't think you give yourself enough credit when you do.
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nycindie, thanks for the suggestions. I *have* told him I want him to come--at the moment when he says he isn't going to yet--but he still says, "No, not until I make you come again."
It's not listening, it's not respectful, and I think to some extent in his mind it's tied to our occasional D/s dynamic--but for me, it just makes me think "Okay, if I put up with it, he'll have to finish eventually." I have pushed him away. That ends up with us arguing, because to him it's a rejection... and when I don't push him away but my mind wanders, he sees that as a rejection as well. And then I feel guilty because I've come however many times and he hasn't come at all.
S2 was the one who was only fucking me in missionary position. Hubby actually prefers having me on top, which sometimes makes it easier for me to stop the action when I'm not "with it" anymore--but sometimes he holds me lying down on top of him, and he's a lot stronger than I am, which means I can't remove myself from him until he lets go. We use other positions too--including missionary, but that's actually Hubby's least favorite.
As far as changing position... if you mean change position during intercourse to keep my mind from wandering or from feeling trapped, that doesn't help. Hubby and I generally change position at least once or twice, but it's still a situation where at some point, my brain goes "Okay, I've come several times now and I have shit to do, so why won't he hurry the hell up and finish so I can leave the room without feeling guilty?"
I own that some of the issue is mine; I usually have a ton of things to do on any given day, and after a certain amount of time passes, I get anxious about whether I'm going to be able to complete all the tasks I have. And by the point where my mind wanders, whatever he's doing to me isn't holding my attention enough for me to not care about the to-do list, because by then it seems evident that it's for *his* benefit, not mine. If I tell him I'm ready for him to come and he says he wants to make me come more first, that isn't benefiting me. It's for *him*, so he can feel all manly and shit or something.
Thank you for pointing out that I've spoken up for myself in the past I genuinely appreciate that reminder.
It's not listening, it's not respectful, and I think to some extent in his mind it's tied to our occasional D/s dynamic--but for me, it just makes me think "Okay, if I put up with it, he'll have to finish eventually." I have pushed him away. That ends up with us arguing, because to him it's a rejection... and when I don't push him away but my mind wanders, he sees that as a rejection as well. And then I feel guilty because I've come however many times and he hasn't come at all.
S2 was the one who was only fucking me in missionary position. Hubby actually prefers having me on top, which sometimes makes it easier for me to stop the action when I'm not "with it" anymore--but sometimes he holds me lying down on top of him, and he's a lot stronger than I am, which means I can't remove myself from him until he lets go. We use other positions too--including missionary, but that's actually Hubby's least favorite.
As far as changing position... if you mean change position during intercourse to keep my mind from wandering or from feeling trapped, that doesn't help. Hubby and I generally change position at least once or twice, but it's still a situation where at some point, my brain goes "Okay, I've come several times now and I have shit to do, so why won't he hurry the hell up and finish so I can leave the room without feeling guilty?"
I own that some of the issue is mine; I usually have a ton of things to do on any given day, and after a certain amount of time passes, I get anxious about whether I'm going to be able to complete all the tasks I have. And by the point where my mind wanders, whatever he's doing to me isn't holding my attention enough for me to not care about the to-do list, because by then it seems evident that it's for *his* benefit, not mine. If I tell him I'm ready for him to come and he says he wants to make me come more first, that isn't benefiting me. It's for *him*, so he can feel all manly and shit or something.
Thank you for pointing out that I've spoken up for myself in the past
I genuinely appreciate that reminder.I haven't tried talking to him about it at other times. I probably should... it's hard to find times to talk to him about much, but I guess this is important. (I'm in a lot of pain and really cranky right now, so I'm more inclined to say returning to not having sex with him makes more sense than trying to talk to him about this, but hopefully I'll see it differently if I get a good night's sleep tonight.)
Get some rest, and then keep reading.
I know there's a bit of D/s in your relationship, but D/s always has to have consent, or, guess what? It's not D/s, it's abuse.
When he is giving you "forced orgasms," and you don't have a prior discussed and agreed upon thing that he is to give you orgasms "against your will," which are really your will, he is abusing you, hon.
You definitely need to make time to discuss this with your clothes on and genitals unengorged. I'd say, before the next time you have sex with him! I don't care if he thinks you "need" one orgasm or 50, if you feel done and are mentally checking out, that is what happens during abuse, as you know from your childhood.
I know he has Aspergers (as two of my former lovers did). They are ritualistic and get "locked in" to routines. That doesn't mean you have to be his fucktoy for one more minute. Discuss it beforehand, with visual aids or whatever it takes. If he is holding you down (!) and forcing his thrusting on you, no matter the position you are in, this is SEXUAL ABUSE, bordering on rape. Period.
If he's cranky because he didnt get the fun of giving you more orgasms than you want, so be it. Let him own that. Walk away if he wants to friggin argue about it! Of course, women can cum 10 times to a man's one, that's just how our bodies are built. (Our uteruses also painfully contract during menstruation and labor, so it balances out.)You don't "owe" him forcing orgasms on you until he decides he's ready to cum. Ugh.
I know there's a bit of D/s in your relationship, but D/s always has to have consent, or, guess what? It's not D/s, it's abuse.
When he is giving you "forced orgasms," and you don't have a prior discussed and agreed upon thing that he is to give you orgasms "against your will," which are really your will, he is abusing you, hon.
You definitely need to make time to discuss this with your clothes on and genitals unengorged. I'd say, before the next time you have sex with him! I don't care if he thinks you "need" one orgasm or 50, if you feel done and are mentally checking out, that is what happens during abuse, as you know from your childhood.
I know he has Aspergers (as two of my former lovers did). They are ritualistic and get "locked in" to routines. That doesn't mean you have to be his fucktoy for one more minute. Discuss it beforehand, with visual aids or whatever it takes. If he is holding you down (!) and forcing his thrusting on you, no matter the position you are in, this is SEXUAL ABUSE, bordering on rape. Period.
If he's cranky because he didnt get the fun of giving you more orgasms than you want, so be it. Let him own that. Walk away if he wants to friggin argue about it! Of course, women can cum 10 times to a man's one, that's just how our bodies are built. (Our uteruses also painfully contract during menstruation and labor, so it balances out.)You don't "owe" him forcing orgasms on you until he decides he's ready to cum. Ugh.
IndieSolo
Active member
At that point, then you have to yell in his ear as loudly as you can: "NO! NO! NO! GET OFF ME!" And I would pinch him very hard while doing it, if I were you, so he knows you're serious, and then tell him that when he keeps going against your wishes, it feels abusive and disrespectful. Tell him you're not saying you want him to come while you actually hope he keeps going - when you say you want him to come, you mean what you say: YOU WANT HIM TO COME BECAUSE YOU ARE DONE AND READY TO FINISH!
He needs to know that, plain and simple, because, as Magdlyn points out, he is abusing you. Perhaps his Aspergers is getting in the way of understanding that. Don't let him think he's not abusing you, don't let him think that continuing on as long as he wants to is pleasurable for you! You need to discuss this with him, and to not let the sex continue like that. Oh, I am so mad at him for you!
It also sounds like you're bored as hell during sex, if you're thinking about all the other things you could be doing. Granted, most women are thinkers and there've been times I've found it hard not to let my mind wander on things going on in my life - but not like the pattern that keeps coming up for you. You and Hubby are just not in sync and as much as your most recent heartfelt talk about your relationship shook him up, it wasn't enough. You need to shake him up some more - for you and your own well-being, and for your marriage/relationship to get healthy. It seems very far from healthy right now, and I really do feel for you and what you're going through.
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Thank you both. Even though intellectually I do know the difference and the lines between D/s and abuse, in practice sometimes I miss the line because of my past. When you've had abusive relationships and the next one is less abusive or abusive in a different way, you don't always recognize any abuse, if that makes sense. And because I know I don't always perceive things accurately, sometimes I give too much benefit of the doubt.
It bothers me that the man who says he doesn't love me, doesn't want sex or a relationship with me, is more in tune with me and more considerate and caring than the man who claims he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. S2 and I are a far better match than Hubby and I, but that isn't what S2/wants right now...
Anyway, I clearly am going to have to have a long, fully clothed discussion about this with Hubby. And make it clear to him that changing his sexual behavior is part of "making the marriage work." If that doesn't change things, I'll go from there.
It bothers me that the man who says he doesn't love me, doesn't want sex or a relationship with me, is more in tune with me and more considerate and caring than the man who claims he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. S2 and I are a far better match than Hubby and I, but that isn't what S2/wants right now...
Anyway, I clearly am going to have to have a long, fully clothed discussion about this with Hubby. And make it clear to him that changing his sexual behavior is part of "making the marriage work." If that doesn't change things, I'll go from there.