Asexual Poly?

That would, I'd expect, rather indicate that we would enjoy each others company on many levels. Though I didn't explicitly mention it, that would also include both of us having a mutually respectful, non-abusive way of handling our relationships.
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Why would you assume an asexual person wouldn't be abusive? Sure, they might not be sexually abusive, but that isn't the only way to be disrespectful or abusive. You seem to seek some comfort out of someone who you know isn't sexually oriented as you see them as less threatening than someone who is, that's sad whatever way you look at it.
 
MightyMax said:
You seem to seek some comfort out of someone who you know isn't sexually oriented as you see them as less threatening than someone who is, that's sad whatever way you look at it.
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It is indeed very sad.

Very sadly too, I suspect that there are few adult women who have never experienced some level of sexual harassment. Nothing significant mostly (I hope) - just that sort of low level, pat on the bum as you walk by, your appearance being the first thing people comment on, being unable to walk into a bar or a restaurant alone without some bloke coming over and trying to impress with some aspect of their lives. Sometimes these men can become incredibly hostile if the woman they are harassing doesn't seem thrilled at their attention. Not for years now but I have in the past had men screaming at me that I'm fat, ugly and they'd never have sex with me anyway. Always was interesting to hear from a man who has spent the previous half hour trying to get me to go home with them.

We see it all over here in the UK. Walk into pretty much any bar you come across and there are likely to be a bunch of men standing alone - usually at the bar - enjoying a drink as they go about their day. There also tend to be mixed groups, pairs or groups of just women and mixed pairs. Almost never will you come across a woman on her own who isn't waiting to be joined by somebody.

I like going to bars and restaurants on my own which is why I've noticed so often that I am the only woman alone doing so.

To me, one of the real benefits of the assumption of monogamy is that to ward off unwanted attention, often all I need to do is stand next to a male friend. Or sometimes say that yes - I have a boyfriend. It gives a harasser an out without them feeling rejected which means that they are less likely to behave aggressively.

It is completely understandable for pretty much any woman to say that it would be nice to have a male friend who isn't interested in sex and won't pester them.
 
InfinitePossibility said:
It is indeed very sad.

Very sadly too, I suspect that there are few adult women who have never experienced some level of sexual harassment. Nothing significant mostly (I hope) - just that sort of low level, pat on the bum as you walk by, your appearance being the first thing people comment on, being unable to walk into a bar or a restaurant alone without some bloke coming over and trying to impress with some aspect of their lives. Sometimes these men can become incredibly hostile if the woman they are harassing doesn't seem thrilled at their attention. Not for years now but I have in the past had men screaming at me that I'm fat, ugly and they'd never have sex with me anyway. Always was interesting to hear from a man who has spent the previous half hour trying to get me to go home with them.

We see it all over here in the UK. Walk into pretty much any bar you come across and there are likely to be a bunch of men standing alone - usually at the bar - enjoying a drink as they go about their day. There also tend to be mixed groups, pairs or groups of just women and mixed pairs. Almost never will you come across a woman on her own who isn't waiting to be joined by somebody.

I like going to bars and restaurants on my own which is why I've noticed so often that I am the only woman alone doing so.

To me, one of the real benefits of the assumption of monogamy is that to ward off unwanted attention, often all I need to do is stand next to a male friend. Or sometimes say that yes - I have a boyfriend. It gives a harasser an out without them feeling rejected which means that they are less likely to behave aggressively.

It is completely understandable for pretty much any woman to say that it would be nice to have a male friend who isn't interested in sex and won't pester them.
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I realize that some people here assume I am male bodied, I am actually not male bodied at all. I am genderfluid though. Sexual harassment is something I have suffered from men (both homo and heterosexual) and even women pretty much all of my adult life. So I really don't need to be taught about the perils of sexual harassment in society. However, we were discussing romantic partners. To feel that a non-sexual romantic partner is less threatening than a sexual romantic partner implies that your sexual romantic partners make you feel unsafe somehow. It suggests that the people you get to know and bring in your life as potential matches treat you this way, not just the guys at the bar.

would be nice to have a male friend who isn't interested in sex and won't pester them.
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even this suggests that the males you become friends with sexually harass you. Yes, I have dealt with disgusting sexual harassment in my life, but not by someone I consider a friend or a partner, because people who behave in that way just would not make it into my circle. That is why it seems shocking to hear someone say that they'd find additional comfort or safety from someone asexual.
 
Being sexually harassed by male friends isn't something I've experienced. For me, sex either happens pretty soon after I meet a new person - usually on the first meeting - or never. I have plenty of male friends - some of them for most of my life.

I've never had the experience of a male friend suddenly making moves on me.

I think I'm in the minority in that experience, though. So much so that I used to worry that there was something wrong with me. That I was unattractive to men in some fundamental way.

I should say that I no longer believe that. More - I understand now how it is to do with me making good choices rather than bad ones when it comes to selecting friends.

I also don't particularly care about that low-level sexual harassment that comes with going around being a woman and doing things on your own. It happens less and less as I get better and better at cutting it off before it gets going.

But - I think I am the weirdo here. My experiences, it seems to me, fall very much into the minority. Most of my female friends tell me stories of male friends suddenly making moves on them. Most of them tell me that they would simply never walk into a bar alone, order a drink and sit down to drink it. These are very common things and not necessarily a sign that somebody needs counselling or has anything particularly wrong with them - at least I don't see it that way.
 
I should say that I no longer believe that. More - I understand now how it is to do with me making good choices rather than bad ones when it comes to selecting friends.
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I don't see how this is different to improving your partner selection as I suggested earlier. I mentioned therapy because sometimes people subconsciously attract a certain type of person and they need help to break that cycle.
 
InfinitePossibility said:
It is completely understandable for pretty much any woman to say that it would be nice to have a male friend who isn't interested in sex and won't pester them.
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It's difficult to find a male friend who isn't interested in sex, but sometimes pestering is in the mind of the beholder.

In my friendships with women, I've always found a level of sexual banter we were both comfortable with, and most of them realized that, having been their friend for a long time without having sex with them or having any expectation that I ever would, my interest in them was neither merely nor primarily sexual. I think they all understood that, given the right circumstances, I'd gladly engage in sex with them and generally took it as a complement. I find it difficult to be around people who find any expression of sexual interest, no matter how respectfully or amusingly expressed, as an insult.
 
IsidoreNabi said:
I find it difficult to be around people who find any expression of sexual interest, no matter how respectfully or amusingly expressed, as an insult.
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Sexual interest comes in all shades and colours. So does the person who has them. I am sometimes uncomfortable when people express sexual interest in me. Sometimes because of the situation (my boss has no place flirting with me), sometimes because I can like a person as a friend and still feel like throwing up thinking about the two of us having sex. I have some friends who never expressed anything sexual and I would be surprised if they did. Some friends I am comfortable flirting with if I am attracted to them or like their humour. Some people I would never sleep with but I am still not uncomfortble with their flirting.

I am not sure I see sexual interest as an insult per se, but if we want different things it may become difficult.
 
Norwegianpoly said:
I have some friends who never expressed anything sexual and I would be surprised if they did.
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Yeah, but I like surprises, don't you?

Norwegianpoly said:
Some people I would never sleep with but I am still not uncomfortble with their flirting.
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I'm only uncomfortable if people who don't even know me at all try to flirt with me. It isn't exactly a compliment. The only people I've had flirt with me whom I wouldn't consider sleeping with have been gay men, but I still find the attention very flattering.

Norwegianpoly said:
I am not sure I see sexual interest as an insult per se, but if we want different things it may become difficult.
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That's almost always the case, but it doesn't need to be difficult. If I like someone, the last thing I want is to be unpleasant. It isn't going to change her mind.
 
IsidoreNabi said:
It's difficult to find a male friend who isn't interested in sex, but sometimes pestering is in the mind of the beholder.
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That's not been my experience. I don't find it difficult at all to find men who can treat me just as a person. I've got a number of male friends who have been around for long enough and through enough of life's changes that if they were interested in sex with me, it would have been mentioned by now. I consider them to be genuine friends for that reason.

I think they all understood that, given the right circumstances, I'd gladly engage in sex with them and generally took it as a complement. I find it difficult to be around people who find any expression of sexual interest, no matter how respectfully or amusingly expressed, as an insult.
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I don't consider it insulting. Quite the opposite - I like being around men who flirt with me and who express an interest in having sex with me. It's a great ego boost and I very much enjoy the attention.

Those men tend not to be friends with me, though. Fun acquaintances - yes. People I want to spend time with - yes. Friends - not so much. Those connections tend to fizzle out after a year or two when it becomes clear that sex isn't going to happen or if the man in question gets a partner who isn't all that comfortable with him having that sort of connection with another. These things are fun while they last but are not, in my experience, the basis for a lasting friendship.

IP
 
I find it difficult to be around people who find any expression of sexual interest, no matter how respectfully or amusingly expressed, as an insult.
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On one hand, I agree. For example, there was a thread recently where people strongly suggested that a guy leave out a reference to being "good in the sack" and I didn't necessarily agree but it was clear that my feelings about it were in the minority. Especially from people more likely to date this guy than me. However, it is insulting when someone who is not meant to be behaving that way towards me does so. For example, it would be wholly inappropriate to make that sort of comment towards one of your children's friends,or a friend of a niece or nephew, even if everyone involved is an adult. Same goes for a boss, your doctor or your therapist.

Unfortunately, men who do this sort of thing (perhaps women too) tend to use words like "frigid", "over-sensitive", "precious", "overreaction" and those sorts of dismissive terms to refute the claims of anyone who takes offence to their inappropriate behavior. It's a thin line.
 
IsidoreNabi said:
Yeah, but I like surprises, don't you?
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Sometimes I like surprises. Sometimes surprises are delightful, and having a sexual spark adds to the fun. Sometimes they are awful. I have cut contact with some peope when I have realized they had a sexual interest in me that I was not comfortable with, especially if the friendship had not developed that strongly to begin with.

IsidoreNabi said:
I'm only uncomfortable if people who don't even know me at all try to flirt with me. It isn't exactly a compliment. The only people I've had flirt with me whom I wouldn't consider sleeping with have been gay men, but I still find the attention very flattering.
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I often like it when people I don't know at all try to flirt with me. And the more time I spend in Turkey, I like it even more. It is just about creating a minute of fun for everyone. It is not always even sexual, but just flirt as in making fun out of nothing just to get the spirits up, I love having a stranger laugh with me or tease me a little bit. It can be great fun What I don't like is if I find the person unpleasant in some way, either physically or that I don't like their personality. Gay men are often beutiful but sadly I am too feminine for most of them to give me any sexual attention, haha. I have a lot of gay male friends though, mostly I am not interested but I have a few where defintely I could have slept with them in the past had they been interested.

IsidoreNabi said:
That's almost always the case, but it doesn't need to be difficult. If I like someone, the last thing I want is to be unpleasant. It isn't going to change her mind.
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If someone really want to fuck me and I am not even remotely interested in even flirting a little, we easily have a problem. Not always - I have people I have gotten along with quite well despite their obvious sexual interest that I don't share much - but certainly lots of times.
 
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IsidoreNabi said:
That's almost always the case, but it doesn't need to be difficult. If I like someone, the last thing I want is to be unpleasant. It isn't going to change her mind.
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I think part of the issue is that so few people on this planet can actually take a sexual rejection with grace and without even a little face-saving/bitterness. When someone makes an unwelcome sexual, or often even just an ambiguous flirty advance towards me, it often does feel like an imposition purely for the reason that if it's not reciprocated I never know how my polite rejection will be received. That has and does cause me some degree of anxiety, and whilst I wouldn't label it abusive or harassing per se, it often means I am left actually behaving a lot colder towards people than I would like to.

The men (and women) who are genuinely ok with flirtation that leads nowhere are, I think, in the minority. The ones I have found in my life I cherish, as there's nothing better than being free to fully express yourself in whatever form that takes, without feeling like that has to lead somewhere or worrying about imposing yourself on others. Whilst I think what you are describing is a wonderful ideal, sadly not everyone works to actively make it not difficult. In fact, it's often quite the opposite. Many people (often men in my experience) have been taught that the pursuit of sex is a game, and that a straightforward 'no thanks' means 'not yet', so behave like persistence is required even if it's clear friendship is the only option on the table. Maybe it's because asexual people have to work so hard to enforce their own boundaries in this area, since they presumably come up against this in their daily life a lot too, but I have never ever met a single person who identifies as asexual who has ever responded to a 'no thanks' about *anything* with anything less than a cheerful 'ok then'. I just wonder if that plays any part in the other poster's (Lizzie's) reasoning.
 
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tenK said:
I think part of the issue is that so few people on this planet can actually take a sexual rejection with grace and without even a little face-saving/bitterness. When someone makes an unwelcome sexual, or often even just an ambiguous flirty advance towards me, it often does feel like an imposition purely for the reason that if it's not reciprocated I never know how my polite rejection will be received. That has and does cause me some degree of anxiety, and whilst I wouldn't label it abusive or harassing per se, it often means I am left actually behaving a lot colder towards people than I would like to.

The men (and women) who are genuinely ok with flirtation that leads nowhere are, I think, in the minority.
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THIS. A lot of people feel so rejected after getting a "no, thank you" that they turn it in to anger against the other person, as to sort of say: I was mistaken, you were not so worthy of my attention after all! This can happen after there has been some flirting to begin with, or totally onesided where the other person has come off as platonically friendly and then BAM; expresses undeniable sexual interest and get upset when it is not (immidiately) reciprociated. I actually find this more challenging than the cases where people are more wholeheartedly smitten/in love, because if they are in awe it will overrun any bitterness not matter how horny/hurt they are. Yes, looking back I find that when people who I was not attracted to seemed to genuinely care for me, I was never upset to have their attention no matter how much their horny feelings lingered in the air.
 
One of my biggest fears

Apparently some guys feel as if they're entitled to have sex, and by saying "no" a woman is somehow depriving them of something. I was surprised to learn this. I've always seen sex and affection as gifts. If someone went out to dinner with me and we had a nice conversation, I appreciated it. If she invited me to her house or apartment for more conversation and a little deep kissing, even better! If that led to foreplay, bonus! And if that led to sex, I couldn't be happier. BUT: if she decided to stop at any point, I was still happy about everything that had happened up to that point. I might have had hopes about what might happen next, but that's just hope. Nobody's obligated to make all my hopes into reality.

But apparently a lot of guys take it badly, and it makes me wonder if some women kind of expect things to turn ugly if they don't do what they assume a guy wants, and I wonder if a woman has ever had sex with me because she was afraid I would get angry if she didn't. I've had my share of dates who got cold feet, didn't ask me in or sent me home with a kiss on the cheek, but I'd always assumed that anything that happened happened because she wanted it to. Now I'm not so sure. :(
 
IsidoreNabi said:
That's easy for you to say. ;-)
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Well, obviously you can't know for sure, but you can base it on whether they were enthusiastic or initiated anything, for instance. Someone who feels pressured may go through the motions but they're unlikely to be the one suggesting it, and they may be reluctant, hoping that you get the message. Since you seem to care about how they felt, I think you would probably have spotted it if they felt pressured based on how they responded to you.

I agree that it's best not to duel on the past though. You can probably pay special attention to it in the future.
 
Bringing the topic back around to something at least more inline with asexuality. I've always been grey-A (being demi-sexual). A few months ago (I don't remember how many), I talked about how a medication had taken that grey-A and kicked it into a high gear of complete loss of libido. Ended up getting medication changed and got back into my comfortable grey-A but active with my partners thing.

About two or three months ago (at least 3 or 4 months after the medication was changed) libido dropped again (not as bad, at least now I may get a day or two I have interest) but at the same time regulation of my body temperature went out of whack, and despite eating less and working out I managed to put on 25 lbs in that time. I do plan on having my OBGYN test my hormone levels when I see her in September because I don't know if it's more likely it's related to those or the medication. If it is the medication I'm not changing it again because it works (fibromyalgia... I'd rather not have sex than be in constant pain).

But at the same time I feel really screwed up in my head. Because this go around it's that whole stupid "what are you worth to someone if you won't fuck them" thing going on in my head. It really messes with me because I don't know what the point is being in a relationship when "the only thing a girl needs for a relationship is put out". I know that if it either my medication or if it's hormones but that's not something that can be put back in proper levels (I'm 29) that I want to go to therapy just for getting myself in a better state. I know a general therapist may not be the best but I don't know if I'd be better looking to talk to a sex thearpist or an LGBT spectrum therapist.
 
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