This is exactly how I feel about this. It's not that I don't like sex, quite the opposite! But sex itself is not how I see polyamory. The intimacy is the keyword here - things can feel intimate and even sexual without actual sexual actions and from my point of view can give one more that just the sex itself. The certain point of intimacy is what I want from my relationships, should it leave to sex would just be a bonus but not the main goal itself.
Asexual Poly?
- Thread starter kdt26417
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This is exactly how I feel about this. It's not that I don't like sex, quite the opposite! But sex itself is not how I see polyamory. The intimacy is the keyword here - things can feel intimate and even sexual without actual sexual actions and from my point of view can give one more that just the sex itself. The certain point of intimacy is what I want from my relationships, should it leave to sex would just be a bonus but not the main goal itself.
River
Well-known member
Eponine
Active member
Well yeah, because a normative friendship, or "normal" friendship, or common friendship, isn't seen as all that important, especially in a society where the meaning of "friend" is so broad that there's not much difference between friends and acquaintances. Even close friendships are usually less important than romantic relationships (which is why people often ask, "if you don't have sex with your partner, aren't you just friends?"). I personally have very strict criteria for "friends," but I know most people don't, so I have to say a non-romantic non-sexual intimate relationship is more than a normative friendship.
MemphisMeli
New member
Is poly about sex? NO
If you remove the sex, do you just have friendship? Depends on the friendship.
Can polys have romantic friendships? Of course they can. Just like you can date someone without having sex.
Can you have romance without sex? See above
How about sex without romance? Yes, ask almost any married couple! lol
Can asexuals be poly? I tend to go between asexual and pansexual (best definition I have found is 'graysexual'), so yes. I have many loves... many friends, many children, many family members.
Are poly asexuals messed up? I am LOL
If you remove the sex, do you just have friendship? Depends on the friendship.
Can polys have romantic friendships? Of course they can. Just like you can date someone without having sex.
Can you have romance without sex? See above
How about sex without romance? Yes, ask almost any married couple! lol
Can asexuals be poly? I tend to go between asexual and pansexual (best definition I have found is 'graysexual'), so yes. I have many loves... many friends, many children, many family members.
Are poly asexuals messed up? I am LOL
MemphisMeli
New member
What can I say, I was inspired hehehe
Norwegianpoly
New member
I am surprised that a lot of people understand sex or sexual as the physical act. A relationship can be highly sexual without leading to actual sex. Such was the relationship I had with my sort of boyfriend.
My mum used to describe her friendship to her now late best friend as "almost like being in love exept we were not physically attracted". I have felt that with friends too, that it is almost like a crush exept for the sexual feelings and that little something that separates friendship and romance. Romance to me is the urge to merge. Even with the closest of friendships I always felt we were two separate people but if I love someone I get the urge to loose myself. I felt this distinction even more clearly when I was a child without adult/adolecent sexual unges, that love is in a way painful because there is the urge to get lost. That is something that can happen during intimate sex but the urge is beyond the sexual and preexistant to it. Sex is just one of bigger ways it can happen.
My mum used to describe her friendship to her now late best friend as "almost like being in love exept we were not physically attracted". I have felt that with friends too, that it is almost like a crush exept for the sexual feelings and that little something that separates friendship and romance. Romance to me is the urge to merge. Even with the closest of friendships I always felt we were two separate people but if I love someone I get the urge to loose myself. I felt this distinction even more clearly when I was a child without adult/adolecent sexual unges, that love is in a way painful because there is the urge to get lost. That is something that can happen during intimate sex but the urge is beyond the sexual and preexistant to it. Sex is just one of bigger ways it can happen.
No. My first poly relationship/poly partner was non-sexual with very little chance of either of us becoming sexually attracted to the other.
The "just" in there, it is telling. Broadly, I think that depends on the people involved. If I remove sex from a relationship, that doesn't downgrade the relationship or mean that it wouldn't be just as important as a sexual (or romantic - remember, these are two different things, sex and romance) relationship.
In broader society though, I do think people think of friendships in terms of "just" a friendship. They're more disposable. Placeholders until you find "the one". Gag, gag, gag. Way to objectify people and turn them into temporary need-fulfillment buckets.
Absolutely. Or sexual friendships with no romance. Lots of permutations there.
I personally can. I seem to not be the only one.
I personally can, though I didn't care much for it, and probably won't do it again. I seem to not be the only one with that capability
https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/
https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2015/06/12/nonsexual-polyamory-is-totally-a-thing/
From the mouth of an aesexual herself.
My understanding (as a sexual person who reads blogs about asexuality) is that if they are, it's less because of being poly OR asexual and more about the way that society has traumatized them by insisting that they are broken, messed up people, because of their lack of sexual attraction. I'd say that asexuality today is a lot like homosexuality in the 50s was, in my understanding of that (not being around in the 50s myself to verify). Many asexual people are pressured in adolescence into sexual relationships that they did not want, which leave an enormous amount of emotional trauma. On top of that, if they try to speak up about their trauma, they are generally considered "freaks" by those around them for not enjoying sex.
It's incredibly heartbreaking to read some of the stories written by asexuals who hunger for human companionship and non-sexual touch, but are so traumatized by past romantic relationships that the idea of trying to engage with people again is terrifying. Also, being asexual doesn't mean that a person doesn't want to have a life-long (or long-term) intimate partnership with another human being. It just means that they don't want a sexual component. The way that society views relationships now makes that extremely hard to find.
Currently, medical literature still treats a lack of a desire for sex as a defect, instead of a default setting that some people may have. Now, unlike homosexuality, it is possible for someone to not be sexual because of a hormonal imbalance or a sexual trauma or for other reasons. However, the current standard of always treating asexuality as though is MUST be a problem that should be fixed is wrong. In my opinion, even if the case of asexuality caused by trauma, medical problems, or a simple desire to be non-sexual, if a person is happy and/or satisfied in their asexuality or wants to be asexual, they should be free to live as such.
If medical literature and psychological literature were to change and offer more resources for asexuals (as well as start nudging society to accept asexuality as a natural state of being for some people), I think that society in general would deeply benefit.
As a sexual, romantic polyamorous person who doesn't want sexuality to rule the way I rank or prioritize my relationships, this is very important to me. I would definitely welcome a relationship with an asexual, were I to meet an asexual and we shared a mutual interest in each other. To my mind, as a woman who has been sexualized innumerable times and hit on/groped/forced into non-consensual sexual situations, the idea of having a person in my life that would never objectify me in that manner sounds wonderful.
Though to be clear, I have no desire to go trolling for an asexual just to fill that need-bucket. But one of the things that I deeply loved about my first poly partner, Rachel (who wasn't asexual), was knowing that I never had to worry that cuddling or being physically affectionate would be taken as a sign that I was secretly looking for sex.
Norwegianpoly
New member
While that may be true that you accociate like this, I think you are somehow conflating asexuality with empathy and kindness. For sure, being asexual does not mean that you never use people as means to an end. It is a lack of libido, no more no less.
InsaneMystic
Member
Correction: It's the lack of an innate desire for partnered sex (which some folks call "not feeling sexual attraction"), not a lack of libido as a whole.
A lot of asexuals do have a libido (polls on AVEN suggest that aces who are completely without libido might be between 25 and 35% - thus, they're a minority, albeit certainly a sizeable one); most "libidoist" aces deal with it by masturbation, or, if the libido is weak, can easily ignore it when it "acts up". Many - myself included - compare masturbation to a chore the body simply requires doing, very similar to going to the toilet.
The difference betweeen asexuals with a libido and sexual folks is simply that libidoist aces don't feel any want/need/urge to include anyone else in dealing with it - they're perfectly at ease with "scratching the itch themselves" forever, so to say.
Norwegianpoly
New member
sure, some asexuals mastrubate, but that was not my point at all. My point was refusing to see asexuals as some kind of angelic creatures that, due to not desiring partner sex, are not going to a be a hurtful romantic partner. That is a very weird assumption but I have seen it raised many times.
InsaneMystic
Member
Which is why I didn't challenge that part of your statement. Of course you are correct about that. Just as with people of any other orientation, there are abusive pricks among asexuals, too, and a "holier than thou because I'm ace" view is bullshit, plain and simple.
However, I did need to point out the bit where you were wrong - asexuality doesn't equal lack of libido. It's important to make that distinction.
Of course you are correct about that. Just as with people of any other orientation, there are abusive pricks among asexuals, too, and a "holier than thou because I'm ace" view is bullshit, plain and simple.However, I did need to point out the bit where you were wrong - asexuality doesn't equal lack of libido. It's important to make that distinction.
Norwegianpoly
New member
Sure. Happy jerking off alone. But that doesn't mean much in terms of being compatible as partner to a sexual person.
Actually, for most sexuals the thought of a partner happily jerking off without being offered to join is far worse than someone who is alien to the concept of human sexuality at all. At least for me it would feel a little like being married to an amazing pastry chef who only ever made cakes he himself ate alone in the backyard which is far worse than being married to someone simply not interested in cooking.
Actually, for most sexuals the thought of a partner happily jerking off without being offered to join is far worse than someone who is alien to the concept of human sexuality at all. At least for me it would feel a little like being married to an amazing pastry chef who only ever made cakes he himself ate alone in the backyard
which is far worse than being married to someone simply not interested in cooking.InsaneMystic
Member
*nods* Yep, I get your point. I think that partner compatibility between ace and sexual people in a "mixed" relationship really isn't a matter to put high hopes on, in general - sure, it can work out in a bunch of cases (as it did for over six years with R. and me), so it's not a flat zero... but I wouldn't advise people to count on it.
Personally, I doubt I'd be partner-compatible with more than one person in 100.000 or so. The "dating pool" really is minuscule. Learning to accept a pretty high probability of being single for life is just a wise precaution, IMO.
Personally, I doubt I'd be partner-compatible with more than one person in 100.000 or so. The "dating pool" really is minuscule. Learning to accept a pretty high probability of being single for life is just a wise precaution, IMO.
I have to agree with the others about this statement. I also recommend therapy and improved partner selection. You shouldn't need an asexual partner to feel safe from sexual assault. It's incredibly sad that you feel that way. Have you told your partner(s) that you feel like that?
Wow. There's an awful lot of assumption going on over one particular statement.
Why don't we all look at the sentence immediately before the one you're all quoting so enthusiastically:
I would definitely welcome a relationship with an asexual, were I to meet an asexual and we shared a mutual interest in each other.
That would, I'd expect, rather indicate that we would enjoy each others company on many levels. Though I didn't explicitly mention it, that would also include both of us having a mutually respectful, non-abusive way of handling our relationships.
I don't believe that I said anywhere that my current partner (or any particular partners) makes me feel uncomfortable sexually, nor did I say that asexuals were magical creatures. I meant exactly what I said - I wouldn't have to worry about an asexual friend (who might turn into an asexual partner) groping and/or sexually harassing me.
FTR, that's what the groping/sexual assault comment was about - that depressing time that sometime occurs when a guy friend who has been doing a really good job of convincing me that he just wants to be a friend/has no interest in me sexually finally decides that I like him enough to "try a few moves" on me. I don't stay friends with people who do that shit. But sometimes, until the first time they do that shit, it's hard to know what their true intentions are.
Norwegianpoly
New member
But I would never say, I'd love it if my new partner didn't abuse me mentally do I'll choose an asexual person...