Not jealousy but the opposite.

zigzag

zigzag

New member
If people have followed us they will know that Angel and Wolf have been in a stable romantic relationship for nearly a year and that’s developed from short time together to time away in distant cites (now several times) and nights and days away. They are together every week for two days plus times when they go away. (Paris 3 Times).

As we had been together for over 30 years, at first I was a little jealous and got over it slowly and that was good. What however started to concern me, sort of nag at the back of my mind, over the last few months is how the relationship between me and Angel has changed. At first I could not put my finger on it and then it dawned on me I have gone from being a bit jealous, through being "cool" to sort of not caring. I always thought that in a more open relationship her attitude to me would change as she has another partner (and I don't) but in fact its my attitude to her that has changed. By not caring I don't mean I don't care about her (I do) but I don't care what she does anymore.

People have commented on this forum that we seemed in that past to be a bit joined at the hip and perhaps too close, well that has changed but its me that’s changed she is in a relationship but I seem to feel a bit cooler towards her as if I love her less, find her a bit less sexy, feel a bit more objective towards her, feel a bit more independent. On the other hand Angel seems unaffected in her affection towards me which could become a source of conflict or at least mismatched expectations. For instance she has always sent me romantic texts ("miss you", "can't wait to be home" and saucier ones) but now I don't like them that much when she does it when she is away with Wolf, they sort of feels forced and they don't ring true (or is this me being more objective?). I don't know if its just that Angel expects that having a second lover our relationship should remain unchanged which all I have read says is highly unlikely.

It may be that its a good thing. I don't know. What if this cooling continues? We are still happy and live in a happy conflict free home and get on together well. But has anyone else experienced the same.
 
My feelings for my spouse wax and wane over the decades. There's always this foundational feeling of love there. But sometimes it's in "high intensity" and we really dig each other and can finish each other sentences and whatnot. Other times it is in low gear -- not as intense but still solid. I don't think going through a phase of "low gear" is a bad thing or like I love him less. It's just ebb and flow of living.

I think a year in is not much -- and you may still be finding your bearings for what "high gear" with Angel + Wolf might look like and what "low gear" with Angel + Wolf might look like. That doesn't mean you love Angel less because you are having to learn to love her different now that the model you all practice has changed.

To me feelings ensue after behavior -- action behavior or thinking behavior.

Behaviors seem to play out like this to me in order of happening:

  • Angle is away with Wolf
  • She sends me texts. ("miss you", "can't wait to be home" and saucier ones)
  • I think they are forced and that they don't ring true.
  • Result: I grow cooler in my feelings for her when I think she's lying to me.
  • Result. That feels uncomfortable. So I try to not care what she does anymore.

I could be wrong though. Does that resonate any?

Because if you didn't care what she does any more... why would you post?

If you don't want her to text while she's gone -- simply ask her to not text while she's gone. Don't overthink it.

I seem to feel a bit cooler towards her as if I love her less, find her a bit less sexy, feel a bit more objective towards her, feel a bit more independent. On the other hand Angel seems unaffected in her affection towards me which could become a source of conflict or at least mismatched expectations.
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So... have you talked to Angel about current expectations of each other to be sure you are on the same page? Recalibrate? To prevent any potential conflict over that?

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
My feelings for my spouse wax and wane over the decades. There's always this foundational feeling of love there. But sometimes it's in "high intensity" and we really dig each other and can finish each other sentences and whatnot. Other times it is in low gear -- not as intense but still solid. I don't think going through a phase of "low gear" is a bad thing or like I love him less. It's just ebb and flow of living.

I think a year in is not much -- and you may still be finding your bearings for what "high gear" with Angel + Wolf might look like and what "low gear" with Angel + Wolf might look like. That doesn't mean you love Angel less because you are having to learn to love her different now that the model you all practice has changed.

To me feelings ensue after behavior -- action behavior or thinking behavior.

Behaviors seem to play out like this to me in order of happening:

  • Angle is away with Wolf
  • She sends me texts. ("miss you", "can't wait to be home" and saucier ones)
  • I think they are forced and that they don't ring true.
  • Result: I grow cooler in my feelings for her when I think she's lying to me.
  • Result. That feels uncomfortable. So I try to not care what she does anymore.

I could be wrong though. Does that resonate any?

Because if you didn't care what she does any more... why would you post?

If you don't want her to text while she's gone -- simply ask her to not text while she's gone. Don't overthink it.



So... have you talked to Angel about current expectations of each other to be sure you are on the same page? Recalibrate? To prevent any potential conflict over that?

Galagirl
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Yes have experienced highs and lows but this seems very very different and perhaps out of sync too. But perhaps because there are 3 of us the sync is now different. I agree about the truth bit I suspect you can get into saying things like "miss you" etc that when you are off with a lover really don't work. One of the reasons I posted to answer your question is I feel bad about caring less.
 
zigzag said:
Yes have experienced highs and lows but this seems very very different and perhaps out of sync too. But perhaps because there are 3 of us the sync is now different. I agree about the truth bit I suspect you can get into saying things like "miss you" etc that when you are off with a lover really don't work.
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I don't know, I think it depends on the situation. Of course, my perspective will be a little different because I do not live with my bf. We spend more nights than not together, and see each other almost every day, but we haven't actually merged households.

That said, when he's simply off on an overnight date with another woman, then yes, if he texts me "I miss you", "I wish you were here", "Can't wait to_____ (insert sexy talk here)", etc, that would ring untrue for me and make me squeamish because it's only one night. Correctly or incorrectly, my assumption would be that the text was written out of habit, and I'd prefer he not send it. OTOH, if he's off with someone else for a 4 day weekend, I'm sure he does miss me and may wish I was there. I know I'm missing him! Having fun with/enjoying his time with another partner does not preclude missing me. JMO.

I agree with GG, I'd talk to Angel about it. If you don't want her to send you sexy texts or tell you she misses you while she's with Wolf, ask her not to. Maybe a simple, 'good night. Love you' or something similar would suffice?

As for the meh feelings, I think it's normal in any relationship to cycle through times we feel more or less connected to our partner.
 
But perhaps because there are 3 of us the sync is now different.
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I think it is possible. Different does have to be "bad."

I suspect you can get into saying things like "miss you" etc that when you are off with a lover really don't work.
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I did not understand that sentence. Could you be willing to rephrase?
I feel bad about caring less.
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I see that you feel bad. I'm not sure what you need or from whom in order to feel better. Could you clarify what behaviors you might want changed?

  • What would you like YOU to stop/start doing? Stop receiving texts silently when they bug you?
  • What would you like ANGEL to stop/start doing? Stop sending the texts?

Ask directly for what you want to have happen.

Galagirl
 
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zigzag said:
....but now I don't like them that much when she does it when she is away with Wolf, they sort of feels forced and they don't ring true (or is this me being more objective?). I don't know if its just that Angel expects that having a second lover our relationship should remain unchanged which all I have read says is highly unlikely.
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She might be following the conventional poly wisdom which is that the hinge should make extra efforts to care for her lovers' feelings. I disagree, in that nobody should be more thoughtful than anyone else and that it's everyone's responsibility to be authentic, not to be on the lookout for signs of hurt feelings and to head them off at the pass. Making efforts to care take eventually feels patronizing and inauthentic to the care-taken. We all want someone to express themselves lovingly toward us because they are inspired to, not because they should. Sounds like she might be making efforts to follow the typical poly advice to "be a good hinge" and that is why her behavior feels forced and even annoying. She might be concerned that you feel less-than and so is making effort to assuage feelings she imagines you having. Her heart is likely in the right place, but as I said, nobody likes to be babied and checked in on by someone who is making an effort. It always rings false and does the opposite of what the efforter is trying to achieve. It feels like we're on their To-Do list.
 
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I would not want to get texts from my lover when I know that he/she is with another. There is very little that absolutely cannot wait until the date is over and sexy or "miss you" texts would make my heart sink. I wouldn't want anyone sending those when they're with me and I don't want to be on the receiving end, either.
 
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zigzag said:
.... I feel bad about caring less.
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I see your emotional distance as an indicator of what's going on in your V, zigzag, not something that mere behavior can or even should change. I couldn't say what you're going thru (other than feeling distance) but I would say that it's something pretty deep, not something than can be altered by you or your wife altering your behavior (or just by asking the other to alter his/her behavior.) Maybe what's happening is OK.

As I recall, the three of you were joined at the hip and perhaps wanting some distance feels like "caring less" to you by comparison. My sense is that you finally have some much needed physical and emotional independence from the other two, which is probably a very good thing in the long run. You want to live zigzag's life, not arm-in-a-V's life. Perhaps your V is going through a renegotiation in your unspoken contract and you're exercising more separation than you had previously, which can feel like you're caring less and which seems to be alarming you. You sound to be concerned that this independent trajectory could go on indefinitely, with you peeling off from the V, but that need not be the case. You just want some independence and compared to what the three of you had before (extreme togetherness with group overnights) it feels perhaps a little cold, but in actuality it's a healthy development of your maturing V relationship.

Just some thoughts.
 
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I remember a time when I distanced myself from my ex h, closed off emotionally to him. I didn't close off completely, but I ramped down.

He was considering taking a job in the next state. For a month or two, the company paid for him to stay at a condo and work there. Another male colleague of his also went. If the job worked out, we would move the family there.

Since he needed the work because of a layoff, and local jobs weren't forthcoming, I reluctantly agreed, despite us having three young children at home for whom I would now be entirely responsible all week. Ex h came home on the weekends.

I knew his colleague was a party type guy, and well off, and with a tendency to treat others, and I felt resentful that my h would be off, working all day, and having splendid restaurant meals and drinks every night. Sleeping all night with no disturbances from kids' wakefulness. Plus we had many pets I also had to take care of.

I found out much later this was the case. He was partying hard and having a big ol' time, there was even a visit or two to a strip club in there.

So, I drew back. I missed him personally, and also his help with the kids and household. I told him I'd drawn back and he felt hurt! What did he expect? I was in survival mode with three little kids and all their demands, I didn't have the freedom to moon around missing him.

So, that's an example of a normal downturn of the flow of loving energy in a long term relationship. It's only when the loving feelings get so minimal, and the resentment and hurtfulness increases to a high degree, that your relationship is surely in trouble and you need to make some choices. I hope you bring this up with your wife. It could be you were "too" entangled before, and what you're missing isn't love per se, but codependency.
 
Hi zigzag,

I am thinking that the distance you're feeling from Angel is a kind of coping mechanism for getting used to something you never had to get used to before. For the first time in your life, Angel has someone else. That can come as quite a shock to your system, even if it happened over the course of a year.

On some level, you may have a fear that Angel will start to like Wolf better and then peel away from you. Perhaps the distance you're feeling is your subconscious trying to prepare you for losing Angel. The fear probably isn't necessary, but we can't be 100% sure.

I think that the bottom line is, you are feeling more alone than you used to feel (before Wolf came along). Loneliness can hurt, unless you erect fences around yourself and become more cool and aloof. Whether it's a way to cope with the here and now, or what's possible in the future, or both, the coping mechanism is there to shield you from the possibility of pain.

It's probably not too harmful. It's probably like a permanent scar that grows over a penetrating injury. The scar probably isn't needed and doesn't do you that much good, but it probably doesn't harm you a lot either. It just adds a swatch of rugged character to your emotional self.

If it grows into a cancer, then you have a problem. But I don't think that has happened, at least not right now. Keep an eye on it, but don't let it keep you up at night. It's nothing you're doing on purpose, so don't feel bad about it. Humans are imperfect organisms, and tend to adapt to foreign circumstances in imperfect ways. Which is okay, in my view.

Hopefully that helps ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You popped into my mind today - hope you're doing well, zigzag.
 
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