Best friend initiates talk of being involved...

B

Bunnielight

Member
Last night I got a call from my best friend. It was a pretty normal "shitty night" convo which extended to an hour and a half of conversation.
To understand our friendship, it's really important to establish some history.

We've known each other about 6 years. We shared the same best friend who was an opiate addict/amputee. She had a lot of struggled, but He and I both had a really strong love bond to her. She died suddenly in a car accident about 2 years ago. Since then, he and I have only gotten closer. We trip together, he's the only one that keeps me sane during.

He's shown nothing but the utmost respect for me and my relationships.

Only recently, since hanging out after coming out as poly to him, he has made some interesting approaches. Now our friendship has become affectionate, as he cuddled me the last time I stayed over. He didn't try anything else, which was really significant and important to me.

Flash back forward to last night:

The last half our we were on the phone he drops this on me
"How funny would it be if I became part of your poly thing?"

This REALLY threw me off.
He's already established that he cannot be poly. He has to be "the only one" so why entertain this idea?
I made my case to him and told him all the reasons it's a bad idea. He sort of ended up back pedalling and agreeing with what I had to say.

The conversation ended up pretty well with him stating that he wants to be friends with me for the rest of his life and never wants me to feel disrespected. That he's my best friend first and foremost.

I told Zed about what happened and it upset him a little. Mainly because he's making indirect back door type advanced, almost as though he's trying to see what he can get out of it. Though I know he respects me, this has now forced me to place boundaries on our friendship.

I feel I responded well, but I can't help but be confused.
Why even entertain that idea knowing you can't be poly?

I'm just not sure how to interact with him now because it's broken Zeds trust. Do I bring this back up? Do I drop it and keep my guard up?
I dunno. It's just not a conversation I was expecting to have with him, much less last night so bluntly. I love him dearly and could not put our friendship at risk like that nor his happiness.

Ugh.
Thoughts?
 
It doesn't sound to me like he's done anything to disrespect your relationships with the question, and I'm not sure why Zed's upset.

He's your best friend, so if he's shifting mindset from mono into exploring poly, and you're the reason why, then of course he's going to bring it up with you separately first.

Sounds like it took quite a lot of forethought and courage for him to phrase it in a way that seemed non-threatening to him.

But, no worries, you've reminded him he's mono and expressed your concern that he'd get hurt if he joined in your poly thing. I wouldn't be too concerned, from your description of the conversation, I doubt he'll ever bring it up with you again.
 
A lot of people see poly as something you do, not something you are. A lot of people who practice poly were mono their whole lives until they chose to try it. A lot of people don't know for certain they absolutely cannot practice poly but have been mono only because they knew of no other option. Maybe you opened his eyes to a new way of living. And maybe he actually *was* considering it because he cares for you very much and is, perhaps, lonely or wants a girlfriend. He might even envy the life you lead. Remember, he doesn't have to be poly to be in relationship with a poly person.

I also don't understand why you say you "don't want to risk your friendship" with him. If you have such a solid friendship, how is it at risk if you get closer and possibly even add sexual intimacy to the relationship? I think you're overreacting.

Really, I don't see anything wrong in what he said, nor how he brought it up. I'm more puzzled by you shooting him down immediately, and Zed taking offense to it as if he himself was insulted personally by someone. ??? Why is Zed offended? You aren't Zed's property. That is very strange to me. When your world is mostly experienced poly people, maybe you forget that people who are not in that world have to find their way however they can. I suggest that you rethink your reaction and see if perhaps you put your best friend in a box and placed expectations on him to always be a certain way, which is unfair to everyone. And take a more compassionate view of things, if you can.
 
Last edited:
Hi Bunnielight,

I'm with nycindie on this one, I tend to think your friend had a change of heart about poly, at least a temporary change of heart. I don't think he's trying to pull a fast one on you. I would discuss it with him again, and I would hope Zed would reconsider the possibilities.

Don't know if that helps but those are my thoughts ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree - it sounds like he was broaching the idea with you and you shut him down.
 
I agree with what others have said and it sounds like your partner is grasping for an excuse to get him out of your life.

Why do you need to place boundaries on your friendship if this guy has been nothing but respectful? You seem to take an air of superiority in regards to relationship style.
 
I'm new to this site so maybe I won't have much to offer.. But as a mono amorous person, and also a guy aswell I read his signals like this:
He'll be questioning the possibility of polyamory for himself. You guys are close and he knows your mindset well? You talk a lot about it? Then you'll have influenced him someway, who knows how strongly.
Which leads him to now - he's entertaining the possibility in the safest environment he knows ie with you. He doesn't want to jump into the deep end as he doesn't know 100%...

I say talk to him about it, ignoring the boundaries that you may have set up. He's very nervous and maybe very embarrassed by the last conversation you had. So ask him how he feels and let him feel comfortable again. He seems like a very thoughtful guy, he won't be trying to mess you around.
 
I don't understand how your friend's proposition has "broken Zed's trust" at all. This isn't about Zed, it's about you and your good friend. Do you have a poly fi thing going on presently, with Zed and your other bf and your FWB? If not, this is really none of Zed's business.

It's between you and Friend. You've implied you've recently become closer to him, coming out as poly, and now beginning to have a physical relationship, with cuddling involved. My guess is he has become sexually aroused. and his desire for you is leading him to seriously consider what it would be like to be the 3rd lover of yours. What is so terrible about that? All you have to do is friend zone him-- unless you think it would be nice to be lovers with him!
 
Thank you for all your input. I agree with most of what you all are saying, but there are a few other things I should clarify.

One of the reasons this is a red flag to me is because of past experiences with Energy (the best friend, this will be his surname from this point forward). I've seen the way he functions while inside a relationship and it has almost killed our friendship once before even though we talked significantly less. He was in a relationship for over two years and the first time they broke up was connected to my coming over and hanging out with them. She did not like me, though we had never met. Energy told me she felt threatened because of the level of our friendship.

This is something I considered when we spoke the other night. He is monogamous. If we were to start something and then he were to meet a girl he wants to spend his life with, how much is she going to like that? How much is she really going to like me? Would that kill our friendship?
When I asked him this, he was honest. He felt it was a very good point that he hadn't really considered. He wants to be friends with me for the rest of his life so he agreed that it was good to maintain boundaries between us to respect his potential relationships.


As far as Zed's concern, I can see where his insecurity in this comes from. Energy's advances have been sudden, random, and could seem a little selfish from Zeds perspective. Zed knows Energy and knows about our connection. He sees that Energy is not thinking about long term consequences.

As far as my personal feelings, I feel I need to protect myself here. I am very aware of my feelings for Energy. Our connection has a shit ton behind it. I'm really really lucky to have that, it is a rare level of friendship. Not to mention he is really really fucking hot (think Lenny Kravitz meets Davey Havok, in a perfect and tatted Native American body--but he knows it far too well).
If we were to become intimate in any way, it would likely open a HUGE can of emotional worms that I don't know if Energy is fully aware of.


Right now my goal is simply to get Energy out here (we're about 3 hours from each other) to hang out with everyone. I think once Zed and Energy can hang out again in person and Energy and Dean can meet, things will fall back into a more trusting place.

All in all, I don't feel our conversation hurt Energy, it only reestablished our respect for each other and what our boundaries are in our friendship. He told me he is my best friend first and foremost. Which honestly means more than anything to me. I don't ever want to risk losing that by jumping in bed together without thinking of what he wants long term.
 
Last edited:
Bunnielight said:
He's already established that he cannot be poly. He has to be "the only one" so why entertain this idea?
Click to expand...

Times change and so do people. Maybe he's been thinking about it and mulling over the possibilities...
 
Bunnielight said:
He is monogamous. If we were to start something and then he were to meet a girl he wants to spend his life with, how much is she going to like that? How much is she really going to like me? Would that kill our friendship?
Click to expand...

I'm seeing here that you perceive any dating that you would do with him would be time bounded - although until who knows when - based on when he finds "the one". That even if he could be an arm, he wouldn't be a hinge. So you're probably not into starting something that you know at the outset would have to finish one day. Especially with the huge emotional can of worms you suspect will be let out.

And then how would "the one" feel about you staying friends after having a sexual history. (This, to me, seems to be quite an American cultural thing. I've never had, or worried about having, a spouse tell me I can't be friends with my ex-lovers.)

Now, in your original post, you said he expressed interest in being a part of your poly thing. Now I'm seeing that you took that to mean, and perhaps he meant, that he becomes a fwb rather than a spouse. And you definitely see the benefits as being more harmful than growthful (oo, I just made a new word!).

There's a lot of concern from you and Zed about long term consequences coming through. It's nice that you think the same way, I'm guessing this is a strength in your relationship.

Please recognise that your reluctance to enter a sexual poly thing with Energy is because of your thought patterns (which are right for you), not because of any deficit in his. He might be someone who is focused on living in the now, and this isn't actually a selfish thing, it's just a mismatched thing.
 
Evie said:
I'm seeing here that you perceive any dating that you would do with him would be time bounded - although until who knows when - based on when he finds "the one". That even if he could be an arm, he wouldn't be a hinge. So you're probably not into starting something that you know at the outset would have to finish one day. Especially with the huge emotional can of worms you suspect will be let out.

And then how would "the one" feel about you staying friends after having a sexual history. (This, to me, seems to be quite an American cultural thing. I've never had, or worried about having, a spouse tell me I can't be friends with my ex-lovers.)

Now, in your original post, you said he expressed interest in being a part of your poly thing. Now I'm seeing that you took that to mean, and perhaps he meant, that he becomes a fwb rather than a spouse. And you definitely see the benefits as being more harmful than growthful (oo, I just made a new word!).

There's a lot of concern from you and Zed about long term consequences coming through. It's nice that you think the same way, I'm guessing this is a strength in your relationship.

Please recognise that your reluctance to enter a sexual poly thing with Energy is because of your thought patterns (which are right for you), not because of any deficit in his. He might be someone who is focused on living in the now, and this isn't actually a selfish thing, it's just a mismatched thing.
Click to expand...

I definitely don't see a flaw in his thinking other than not thinking about long term consequences. And I tried not to make him feel that way. Things seemed to end on a good note as he reminded me again before we got off the phone that I can call him anytime if I just need to talk, about anything. Which is kind of a big deal because neither of us talk on the phone, nor do we enjoy it unless it's with family or spouses (Dean and I rarely even talk on the phone).

I think the hardest part about this is saying no. It's not that I'm not interested. At all. He's pretty much the whole package. He gets laid very easily. He knows what he has to offer and that's usually what scares girls away. That or he weasels them out because he gets bored and realizes they don't reach his standards.

Hes called me venting a few times about wanting to give up on monogamy but it's always followed very quickly by him stating again that he couldn't do it.
 
Hi Bunnielight,

I suppose the important thing is to be at peace with your decision, and that you and Energy are on the same page about this. I think you have thought this through, so, it's not a problem.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I just hope I made the right decision and things don't become weird.
And I hope that Zed can trust Energy on the same level he once did. I don't want animosity and assumptions to dictate the way Energy and I have to react to one another.
 
Well, only Zed can be in charge of how much trust Zed extends toward Energy. And I don't think Energy's done anything wrong ...
 
Let me repeat that back so I know I got it right, ok? Energy (your friend) was thinking about trying on poly and broached it with you. You said no, because he's not thought it all out and he agreed and the conversation ended well. It that it?

So why's Zed (your boyfriend) all upset? What's that conversation got to do with him? You would have to ask Zed for his continued consent if you wanted to pursue it since the dynamic would be changing. But you don't want to pursue it so... moot. Nothing is changing.

How is it a back handed approach for Energy to talk to you directly about what he feels/thinks? Or is it that Zed thinks Energy should have cleared it with Zed first before talking to you?

Nothing wrong with having boundaries in a friendship. We have them in all relationships whether clearly articulated or not.

I'm just not sure how to interact with him now because it's broken Zeds trust. Do I bring this back up? Do I drop it and keep my guard up?
Click to expand...

Who is "him" there? Energy or Zed?

Energy: I think you behave like a normal friend around Energy. A boundary you set for yourself could be no cuddling or kissing that could be miscontrued -- leave it to hugs and kisses of social greeting nature. The " Happy bday, Merry Xmas" type.

If he is experiencing change and thinks he's moving from mono to poly -- he can date someone else to figure that all out. It doesn't have to be you.

Zed: With Zed you might want to ask what's upsetting him so much. Neither you nor Energy have done anything wrong.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Bunnielight said:
I just hope I made the right decision and things don't become weird.
And I hope that Zed can trust Energy on the same level he once did. I don't want animosity and assumptions to dictate the way Energy and I have to react to one another.
Click to expand...
This still doesn't make any sense whatsoever to me. Why would Zed have any reason not to trust Energy anymore? All Energy did was to ask a question and express interest in you. How is that selfish? I'm not getting it.

The only possiblity I see is that you're uncomfortable with how attracted you actually are to Energy, and so you think you need to put up certain boundaries around your friendship to "protect" it, and that's why his asking about being part of your poly "thing" has you rattled.
 
GalaGirl said:
Let me repeat that back so I know I got it right, ok? Energy (your friend) was thinking about trying on poly and broached it with you. You said no, because he's not thought it all out and he agreed and the conversation ended well. It that it?
Click to expand...

Yes, that is correct.


GalaGirl said:
So why's Zed (your boyfriend) all upset? What's that conversation got to do with him? You would have to ask Zed for his continued consent if you wanted to pursue it since the dynamic would be changing. But you don't want to pursue it so... moot. Nothing is changing.

How is it a back handed approach for Energy to talk to you directly about what he feels/thinks? Or is it that Zed thinks Energy should have cleared it with Zed first before talking to you?
Click to expand...

Zed is my husband. We've allowed this to establish a hierarchy when it comes to these things. We are still new in this and try to be very careful about each other's insecurities and try to have an eye open to protect each other.

Zed isn't near as close with Energy as he is with Dean or Cuba. Energy also has a history of being somewhat of a "player" so to speak. He allows his shallow standards and sexual expectations guide him. I can understand why Zed wouldn't trust this. He doesn't want me to be treated like it's just cake to jump in my pants and feels that Energy may be thinking that way.

I'm just hoping that over time our friendship can reflect nothing but good signs and respect for each other. That's all I can really do. I trust it, but I'm also a girl and a girl that likes the confidence of a cocky asshole when there are plenty reasons for them to be proud of who they are. But I'm not so naive as to think that there couldn't be a small chance that my perspective of Energy could be wrong, though I believe our history and what we've gone through together to be a pretty solid track record.


GalaGirl said:
Who is "him" there? Energy or Zed?

Energy: I think you behave like a normal friend around Energy. A boundary you set for yourself could be no cuddling or kissing that could be miscontrued -- leave it to hugs and kisses of social greeting nature. The " Happy bday, Merry Xmas" type.

If he is experiencing change and thinks he's moving from mono to poly -- he can date someone else to figure that all out. It doesn't have to be you.

Zed: With Zed you might want to ask what's upsetting him so much. Neither you nor Energy have done anything wrong.

Galagirl
Click to expand...

I was referring to Energy. When we spoke about it the other night, I established that affection is okay. Just nothing beyond what he would do to a sister. More specifically: no kissing. I feel that is a good boundary to maintain. And he agreed.



And to be completely honest, I feel that nycindie hit the nail on the head.
nycindie said:
The only possiblity I see is that you're uncomfortable with how attracted you actually are to Energy, and so you think you need to put up certain boundaries around your friendship to "protect" it, and that's why his asking about being part of your poly "thing" has you rattled.
Click to expand...

I am extremely attracted to Energy and his personality. He's honestly the entire package. Aside from his decision to be monogamy for jealousy reasons. He's very attractive, a fantastic friend, incredibly hard worker, loves animals, mature, strong minded, healthy, smart, daring, creative, blunt, and he can stand on his own two feet.
I'm honestly very thrown off. I never saw myself as someone he would be attracted to. It's a weird confidence boost and an offer I never thought would even be on the table. It feels good, at the same time it's hard to say no with us having such an intense history. But all that considered, I know he will find what he's looking for. And I would never want to stand in the way of that.
 
Last edited:
Bunnielight said:
I am extremely attracted to Energy and his personality.
Click to expand...

This is the only piece you need to concern yourself with and indeed the only thing you can do anything about. Trying to see that everyone else is OK or doing all the right things will make you crazy because people are unpredictable, living from their own perspectives, and you can never know at all times if they are OK. You can only know if you are OK.
So.....are you OK with your extreme attraction to this beautiful man?
 
FallenAngelina said:
This is the only piece you need to concern yourself with and indeed the only thing you can do anything about. Trying to see that everyone else is OK or doing all the right things will make you crazy because people are unpredictable, living from their own perspectives, and you can never know at all times if they are OK. You can only know if you are OK.
So.....are you OK with your extreme attraction to this beautiful man?
Click to expand...

Yes, I am. So long as he can help me maintain those boundaries I set for both of us.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top