Hello,
please, I need some outside views on my situation, since I keep getting lost in it, and I am unable to really do anything about it.
I has been more then a year now, since I fell madly in love with a poly person. The beginning was very, very tough, since I had never come in touch with polyamory before (not that common in my country), so I fellt like I was doing wrong, and also I was in a monogamous relationship; so I tried to resist my longing for him and my urge to experiment with non-monogamy, but I failed, and after a lot of pain my primary relationship broke.
So I became a secondary (in terms of cohabitating and commitment, my partner never treats me as the second one) to a poly-mono couple. My metamour would rather be monogamous, but she is quite open, and at first she invited me to share intimacy with her husband (okay, they are not married, but that doesn't change much).
For me this arrangement was also fine in the moment, since I wanted to get more independent, try new things, and in short, I felt like I didn't want him home, since I felt he was great lover and dominate to me, but perhaps a little too difficult as a partner. (They both are, and their relationship varries from exeptionally great to terrible sometimes.)
The thing is, after a year our relationship got better and better, and if it was just for him, I would love to find a way to cohabitate and be partners, despite the challenges.
Simultaneously, the relationship with my metamour went worse, because actully we never find a way to talk about personal topics (leaving most of the processing on our shared partner), and as I got closer, we started to rival each other, to the point, that I don't know exactly how she is now, but I really do not feel like starting a conversation with her, in fact, after last week, not even getting close to her. I know this is to a very big extent my problem, since I have had communication issues with her from the beginning (like even trusting myself to speak - she is 15 years older and quite resolute), and also I am the one who stopped being happy with what they can offer.
Let asside that I don't know if my metamour could ever accept this, I would like to go deeper into that relationship, attempting to form a triad. That means sorting out that communication and jelousy problem, which has gotten big. Also I am not sure if I could live in the triade, since despite my initial enthusiasm it seems I am rather monogamish (we had some fun threesomes with my partner and my female friends, but I haven't been really able to search for another partner). Also, it would probably mean accepting their pre-set life direction (including a house in the country with a lot of work around, which is not my dream and I don't feel ready for this responsibility while I still struggle to get independent from my parents).
The other direction is leaving my partner. It sound logical, since I would like a primary partner and I don't seem able to find one while in a relationship like this. But it has given me so much in terms of love and intimacy, self-knowledge and acceptance, and general attitude towards life, and our connection in DS/intimacy/spirituality seems unique to me and still has potential for growth. I am not sure if I can ever find something like this again. Also, there is much emotional support of a kind hard to get elsewhere, and I am not sure how I could cope with a breakup (I had been very low previously).
So, while staying secondary, I feel trapped on a path leading nowhere, and both ways seem impossible. It is a matter of attitude. I tried hard to get mature and secure enough to deal with this, but not yet there. How to choose direction?
please, I need some outside views on my situation, since I keep getting lost in it, and I am unable to really do anything about it.
I has been more then a year now, since I fell madly in love with a poly person. The beginning was very, very tough, since I had never come in touch with polyamory before (not that common in my country), so I fellt like I was doing wrong, and also I was in a monogamous relationship; so I tried to resist my longing for him and my urge to experiment with non-monogamy, but I failed, and after a lot of pain my primary relationship broke.
So I became a secondary (in terms of cohabitating and commitment, my partner never treats me as the second one) to a poly-mono couple. My metamour would rather be monogamous, but she is quite open, and at first she invited me to share intimacy with her husband (okay, they are not married, but that doesn't change much).
For me this arrangement was also fine in the moment, since I wanted to get more independent, try new things, and in short, I felt like I didn't want him home, since I felt he was great lover and dominate to me, but perhaps a little too difficult as a partner. (They both are, and their relationship varries from exeptionally great to terrible sometimes.)
The thing is, after a year our relationship got better and better, and if it was just for him, I would love to find a way to cohabitate and be partners, despite the challenges.
Simultaneously, the relationship with my metamour went worse, because actully we never find a way to talk about personal topics (leaving most of the processing on our shared partner), and as I got closer, we started to rival each other, to the point, that I don't know exactly how she is now, but I really do not feel like starting a conversation with her, in fact, after last week, not even getting close to her. I know this is to a very big extent my problem, since I have had communication issues with her from the beginning (like even trusting myself to speak - she is 15 years older and quite resolute), and also I am the one who stopped being happy with what they can offer.
Let asside that I don't know if my metamour could ever accept this, I would like to go deeper into that relationship, attempting to form a triad. That means sorting out that communication and jelousy problem, which has gotten big. Also I am not sure if I could live in the triade, since despite my initial enthusiasm it seems I am rather monogamish (we had some fun threesomes with my partner and my female friends, but I haven't been really able to search for another partner). Also, it would probably mean accepting their pre-set life direction (including a house in the country with a lot of work around, which is not my dream and I don't feel ready for this responsibility while I still struggle to get independent from my parents).
The other direction is leaving my partner. It sound logical, since I would like a primary partner and I don't seem able to find one while in a relationship like this. But it has given me so much in terms of love and intimacy, self-knowledge and acceptance, and general attitude towards life, and our connection in DS/intimacy/spirituality seems unique to me and still has potential for growth. I am not sure if I can ever find something like this again. Also, there is much emotional support of a kind hard to get elsewhere, and I am not sure how I could cope with a breakup (I had been very low previously).
So, while staying secondary, I feel trapped on a path leading nowhere, and both ways seem impossible. It is a matter of attitude. I tried hard to get mature and secure enough to deal with this, but not yet there. How to choose direction?