Exploring Polyamory instead of Monogamy

I don't have anything useful to say, but I am moved by your self-awareness and bountiful love. I have never gone through a "break-up" but if it ever has to happen I hope that I can handle it with as much strength and grace as you have shown here.
 
Tonight I am so sad.

I mean I had an amazing overnight with my best girly friend Ivy, but today when I went to went city to see my girls I just was so...pulled in so many emotional directions.

First there was the fact that I am still monitored by ex husband family when seeing girls.

Second was the fact that my girls has moved there last weekend permanently.

Third was the fact last time I was there I was fleeing domestic violence from last boyfriend who put a pillow on me and rosebuds face.

Then there was the fact ex husband had the girls with his mother (ex MIL,) a few days after the loss of her own daughter.
This angered me.

What son asks a grieving mother to do this? what grieving mother agrees to do this? She isn't exactly healthy without the extra grief.

I wanted to be sympathetic to her about her loss but instead I was angry.

I was angry that she left the daughter who killed herself with drug overdose with her abusive dad in her childhood.
I know that doesn't mean exMIL directly caused this situation now, but having struggled with abusive family myself and my own mothers denial and involvement,...well it didn't make me happy that's for sure. I was angry that her actions had had a ripple affect three generations out. That he granddaughter Who was six saw her mother die of overdose...so XMILs actions of inaction and dismissing caused so much unnesscary pain for those children. And she knew about all this going on yet let it happen. She knew another her daughters drug use, she knew about her daughters lack of self worth because of her example and the abuse she allowed and left her with. Ugh.

Nothing gets my blood boiling more than watching people stand by or enable a situation that harms children.

I was angry she was still involved with heavy drugs. Which may have correlated directly to death of daughter.

I was angry she repeated the pattern of minimising and sim issuing abusive men In her life...not once, not twice, but three times. The first time resulted in her running away from 1st husband and leaving her daughters behind to be sexually and physically abused.
The second time was with Alex as a child, where he got neglected, and almost killed when his dad put his hands around his neck a don tried to kill him at three.

Then the third time was when I came to her with facts from court...and her denying and blaming me for her son abuse of me....even when he admitted it.

I was angry at the influence she was having on my kids. I was angry at the fact sheet kept checking her phone every ten minutes so she could get away from me.

I was angry that what she was, could have easily still been me now. I was angry that there isn't ways, different ways to help men change patterns, to help women be safe, that I had to give my kids up even I the face of abuse just because of an Illness...
Regardless of intention the outcome is e same. I feel like I was her, because I trusted ex husband last November when I should t have. And now he has kids. And I have no power to stop him if he abuses them, and they have no voice to speak up. With so many peop,e minimising and dismissing them...for so long...ugh. And me too. I am tired of mimicking and dismissing of my reality.

I was angry at her moral judgement of me and truing to monopolise my precious time with girls. And yes those petty ones could be chalked up to grief and the funny things it does to you. That's fine.

I wanted to reach out. I tried. But she didn't want me to, and I was angry at that too.

I kept it inside and stayed polite but ugh dealing with her is so toxic.

I will make another post for the rest of the weekend so far.
 
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JaneQSmythe said:
I don't have anything useful to say, but I am moved by your self-awareness and bountiful love. I have never gone through a "break-up" but if it ever has to happen I hope that I can handle it with as much strength and grace as you have shown here.
Click to expand...

Hey Jane, thanks for your words. I have been through a lot, some I did, some others did. I wish I hadn't had to either, but I wouldn't be where I am without them and all taught me valuable lessons.

I am not always loving. Sometimes, I am sad and angry, but I am a lot more patient now. Since court I seem to be both more compassionate, and more hard. What I mean is, I am more compassionate for those who I can help, and hold stronger boundaries and healthier self image and self love with all that's happened. And I also seperate feelings and thoughts and actions much faster now, I can see when someone is buttering me up, I can see when someone is genuine. It's very useful stuff to learn. Anyway in a long winded way, I just wanted to say thank you.

You are very lucky in love to never have a break up. :)
 
I don't even know where to start about the last 5 days.

I have given brief details, as in who is coming and going and whatnot. But I think I have grown enough emotional and mental strength to be there for other people now.

Siren came over last week and had a 7 hour heart to heart with me. We laughed and hung out but I also helped her process a horrible issue she is going through.

Then on Wednesday was Trip and his secrets told to me, and me holding him. He was really upset. He's grieving big time, he hasn't had as much practice with this emotional pain like I have. So, I was there for him while I held him. He does this a lot for me, and I like to do it back. I feel like i am in gentle summer rain, cool and cleansing when I touch him.

When I saw Ivy, well that was really interesting and fun. We went from helping her process and cry in my arms over her polycule, to putting hummus mustaches on our faces and giggling and taking selfies. I really like her.
It's very natural. We've not crossed any physical boundaries, but both of us get really fast heart rates around each other.

I asked if I could sleep next to her and snuggle. She said yes. We would have been fine but we're both girly and nervous and hyper into each other. So I did for her what comforts me, and that is stroked her forehead and hair, until she fell asleep, while I watched her.

She is really wonderful and kind, I am lucky to have her in my life. :)
It was confusing for both of us as it's the first time since H in highschool that I felt my heart speed up and get nervous and jittery with a woman. And for it to be returned...we shyly said we both like each other. Hehe. :eek:

We agreed to no rush, and just being friends for now, because both of us are NRE, AND dealing with grief of end of relationship. (Her with Grayson and me with Trip..) plus I am not sure what my poly saturation point is, so I am being very careful who I take that next step closer with.

So no rules only honouring boundaries right now. :) she asked if I could come snuggle her again sometime, I said yes.

Then the next day was obviously going to West city, then, I was supposed to go to irishcoffees last night, I just couldn't. I felt so exhausted, that I had nothing left last night. So instead I apologised but headed home.

I had a fun texting session with Trip before bed, where we giggled and teased and talked about silly stuff.
He loves http://www.contemporist.com website. So his ideal house is minimalist, and open plan, and using natural laught etc...he loves high tech gadgets and modern sleek look.

My ideal house is a self sustaining cottage in the woods. Preferably made of cob, with my own art decorations made from clay and recycled bottles making glass mosaics.

We had had a previous discussion where we thought this meant we might never live together because we like things so different, lol and it was just a teasing observation as I am more bohemian /rocker and he's more tech/classy/punk

So he found this page and linked it to me lol.
Http://www.contemporist.com/2015/09...-is-totally-off-the-grid-and-self-sufficient/

He is so cute and silly. I like how much he smiles with me. His whole face lights up. And we enjoy being around each other. I am seeing him again for lunch today. Looking foreword to that. Then I come home and I get ready for tomorrow. So much to do!!
 
My lunch with Trip was amazing.

It started off kind of silly, we went to a new market we hadn't been to before, and he enjoyed doing something new. While getting drinks I spilled two diet pepsi's on me...whoops!

I handled it gracefully as I could, replacing the drinks and cleaning up everything best I could haha. Oh well. Then we went to gluten free option food place, I had chicken salad with sundries tomatoes. Then we snuggled for three hours at a pub, while talking about everything under the sun. When we kissed it was with such tenderness, such openness, and closeness. Pruning back the other love interests in my life have really allowed me room to focus on Trip more fully right now. It's wonderful.

I found out why he stresses so much about my health, and food, and why it came across as controlling. P has some things that are causing issues and he doesn't want to go through that with me. That made understanding and empathising his point of view easier. When I get back though I will kindly explain his approach is producing the opposite in me, it actually makes me want to eat right less because I tend to petulantly do the opposite of what anyone tells me even if it's bad for me because I fuckign hate people telling me what to do in an intimate relationship that is my body. And because we are exploring d/s, I want to make sure he understands he has my consent in the bedroom but not out of it. Lol. He doesn't get to say what I eat that's for sure ;) I remember having similar convos with Rocky.

So we really opened up, and after I went home, he called me late that night. He said how much he was going to miss me. And we both were really sad. I am gone for forty four days. I really enjoy getting to know Trip, I feel very secure with him and safe. I feel like a cool breeze in the morning all of our cares and worries and sadness are washed away, and there is just peace.

After seeing trip I also had the awkward conversation with Irishcoffee, that we aren't going anywhere. And he was upset. Understandably. This weekend was so strange, so many good things and hard things, but also so much truth going on.

Then Monday was...interesting.
I am so fucking confused by Rocky. Not in an angry way, in an exasperated...what the heck is this thing between us, way.

I went out for coffee with a friend in the afternoon. Then I went up to dinner at nandos with Rocky and his sister. She is 7 years older than us both, and we enjoyed teasing rocky and getting to know each other. We are definitely hanging out in the future and the look of love and happiness on rockys face was so touching. He leaned over and kissed me in front of her, and stroked my leg, and was generally couples and affectionate. Like he hadn't just broke up with me.
We stayed there an hour or two and I am freaking happy I met her.

Then, I stayed at his place, because Grayson was sick, and I don't want to get germs to my auntie, or catch anything myself. After showing me his place, he sat down and apologised again for being a jerk to me. For not including me I. His life, he covered his hand with his face and wept, saying he just couldn't believe what he did to me. I teased him lightly, and said, hey, it's cool, were good, and I forgive him, and eh looked at me and said, "what did I do to ever deserve you? You're so amazing. And I don't know if I will meet anyone as awesome as you."

I said I will always be his friend, and I asked why he was sending me confusing messages again? I dodged his kiss at the dinner, and moved his hand off my knee etc, not in rejection but personal boundaries. Truthfully his and mine behaviour is a very comfortable coupledome despite his insistence we aren't any more together. We brushed our teeth together, we put pjs on, and we talked way late in the night about all sorts of things.

We did make love, but only after I clarified, what the fuck he was doing.
He said

"I love you and I can't offer you what Trip can"

I said, "you don't offer me less, you offer me different. You both offer me amazing things and I want you both in my life. You are not replaceable or exchangeable. You both hold seperate places in my heart and give me completely different things."

I moved him from primary in my mind to lover and asked him if that label fit better? I said I need labels to continue sex because I need to know what I am to you.

He said " you mean everything to me. I want adventures with you. I want to love you, I don't want to lose your love. I feel peaceful and happy with you. I want to keep knowing you, I want to keep touching you, calling you, being around you. I don't want to stop knowing you. And I am going to miss you. I don't want to go 44 days without talking to you, but I understand if you need time to think it over and detach from me, but I don't want you to. I don't want you to be distant or closed off from me. I love you with everything I have."

He also said I deserve all the love in the world and genuinely wants me to be happy with trip. He said he saw the way trip looks at me and felt he couldn't measure up, and that trip was very certain about Me and wished he was less confused about everything in his life, that he was as certain as me and trip.

He is one confused person, and it's confusing for me. All I can do is decide what to do with the new information.
 
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Awww. I love reading your blog. I am so moved by what you share. To me, it seems that Rocky is thinking about your relationship with a very monogamous mindset. I hope you can get it through his head that you can and do choose BOTH him and Trip, that he doesn't have to step out of the picture just because you are also loved by someone else.
 
I was thinking back to my party today while on my flight to USA. I am currently in Canada. Woo hoo...only three more hours in plane, and three more in car....:eek: :D

Anyway,
I was thinking how Trip responds when I mention rocky, I spoke to him on the phone in Toronto. Yay whatsapp! And our conversation went really well until I mentioned rocky. It's like, even though he is practicing poly, his d/s dynamic with me makes him, hmm alpha male possessive a bit? He's very good at not displaying it, but it peeks out at times. For example shutting down conversation when I speak about Rocky. And at my bday party. There was one point where I was on my fifth or sixth cocktail, lol, and Irishcoffee had leaned over and said something about being my boyfriend, which we had loosely talked about moving forward as before that point...

Anyways, just as he asked me to come sit between him and rocky, as BF/gf, trip sat down next to him instead. Inside myself I snickered. Trip is very...sexy when he does that. I know the tendencies could tip over into negative control, but I am sure I am self aware enough for them not to. Plus I know he wouldn't hurt me in that way, not without consent. (Teehee!). I know bad taste joke. I guess I am healed pretty well to make jokes like that.

So I guess the best thing to do is not confide in Trip about rocky as we haven't been established very long and I want him to feel secure in me and him too, regardless if rocky is a lover or friend.

I was watching the movie "far from the madding crowd" on the flight, and I kept thinking, poly would solve this issue, she could love all three men in their own ways...:rolleyes:


For me, I am happy with my life in England, and I miss it already. This trip is making me painfully aware I don't want to live in the USA again. I miss all the English people, he accents, the clothes, the customs, the vernacular, the fact I can date someone outside of my culture and not get an eyelash bat at me, and that I can wear my skinny jeans and bomber jacket and not feel out of place. I definitely don't dress like an American right now. Not that people don't wear that in America, but it's usually in cities (New York springs to mind), and I am going to a very rural secluded area ;)

I sent in my financial aid forms for uni, so it's a 85% go ahead. Yikes! So exciting! I am so nervous about starting in October. But I know I can do it. I can! I did it with art, hard core, and definitely kids had to be more challenging. So it will be great to expand my horizons and mind again. Started reading non fiction magazines and tech/science items. Very cool.

I talked to rocky on phone as well while waiting for next flight. Apparently, his best friend now knows about me. He heard us from the hall when coming to visit rocky. (Does that mean he heard us having sex? Lol that would be amusing.)

Rocky was a lot cooler today and reiterated about the time out from each other, but said only for a few weeks so we could think about what we want and he didn't want me to be distant the whole time.

This is a typical reaction from the best friend...I am used to it. He's like a metamour that influences rocky heavily lol. Even though they are just best friends. Lol. But other than the cooler response on phone, he said it went really well with best friend and it was no drama, that best friend just wanted to make sure rocky was happy and ok. And he is. :) it will be interesting to see how our dynamic is when I get back now that best friend is involved again.

His coolness gave me pause and made me wonder if he's ready to pursue even lover. The same issue would come up again possibly if Trip was around with his friends /family where then he would have to hide the sex part with em, and I with him. i wouldn't be able to openly say he's my lover. I am not sure I want to climb back in the closet with him.

I know lots of adults opperate this way, it's just not something I can do unfortunately. I wish it were that easy for me! And I think it would make rocky upset again. So lots of food for thought, plus I promised trip I would focus only on him for awhile. :)

So yes we'll see how it goes...life is very interesting. It's a lot easier to be distant without Rocky's physical confusing messages for sure.

@nycindie, yes he does think monogamously. And that's ok, he wants those things...I would love to reassure him more but not sure what to tell him to make him feel ok. Thank you for your sweet comment, I got a bit flabbergasted. I am really bad at taking compliments and get quite uncomfortable / shy. But I feel honoured you like my writing so much, I really enjoy reading your responses on the forums for sure. You're feircely independent and I like reading that perspective :)
 
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I am sitting in West Virginia listening to the silence. Yes birds are noisy, but there's no car /train/ air or people traffic like there is in London. And it's deafening. I feel a strong sense of peace and escapism while I am here. There may not be a lot of poly news, though I hope to go to Poly Columbus events if I can make it up there. I need to sort my license first!

It's not a bad silence, just different.
I am itching to get up in the mountains and walk, and to visit a lot of things while here. I need nature and peace, a quiet place to sort out and prioritise my life and goals. It's good to know I am more at peace however.

I wrote in my personal journal last night how even though it's vacation it also marks the end of things for me and beginning of new things.
A lot of personal and important internal work is going on. Working on priorities, working on my dynamics with people, especially my mother and my past. Helping my aunt Honour, with her life here so she can readjust to not being in London. I need to know she will be ok. Her missing us is so hard to watch.

I Have yet to have a phone call or Skype with Trip since being here. I do think I will take the full 44 days away from Rocky. I need time to get over him. he very much wants to have kids, and can't do that with me and worries about finding someone ok with me in order to hold on to both me and possible new person who he could have kids with. I understand that, but I hope he doesn't date anyone so close minded.

As for me, I contacted a man on Okc in the area that I may hang out with while here and swap stories, and if more happens, more happens. Everyone here moves at a delightfully slow pace. I don't need to race across the road, or feel like I am watched on hundreds of cctvs. There is not an anxious buzz of the city, the cadence of the voices of the people is pleasing to my ears, even if I can't always understand it. And although I wouldn't want to live this lifestyle full time, I would get restless, I do appreciate its beauty. People seem to sing when they talk, up and down lyrical. I was jarred by the very strong male American accents, accents I don't hear hardly at all, and when I do are closer to vanilla American accent, or news caster accents. I am not used to the abrupt nature anymore, I am more used to the quiet rythym of sardonic monotone of Trip, or the bubbly enthusiasm of Rocky. I guess it's official, I now think more British than American and not sure what I feel about that. Loss, pride? ambivalent?

Today I ate a pawpaw fruit. My aunt has a pawpaw tree outside in her garden . A garden which could easily fit my entire cottage. I have never had that fruit and I loved it.

Her home is huge and so elegant. It has beautiful interior and exterior which she keeps immaculate. Somewhere between country farmhouse, and Victorian decoration. I really adore her taste. For example in the formal guest bedroom she has an art nuevuex wooden divider. The kind used in the past to change behind. She has them hoisted on a two sided frame above the queen size bed, like a backboard. It's in plums, golds, light blues, and burgundies. Her drapes on the windows reach the floor in gold flur de Lis, and her matching wardrobe sets are in rich mahogany. Everywhere is well placed and carefully lit artwork. Good taste and carefully thought out accents, complementing each room. She had five bedrooms upstairs, and two of them have adjoining bathrooms, with walk in closets. She has a front sitting room, and a formal dining room, as well as a living/family room and 4 toilets. Her house is most definitely a home, and very very warm and welcoming. I could easily see myself I. Her place even if I am not fond of living her permanently just because of how warm and inviting it is. It shows her great sense of self worth and self love.

Six weeks will go by fast and I will hold a least Trip in my arms, and be held by him. In the meantime I will blog less on poly and more on my vacation and meanderings. Convalescence will be finished when I get back. 1 year exactly from when I first started to grieve the change of residency of kids. Sigh. Life moves on, choices and consequences, and some things outside of our control. I can see why some parents stop interacting with their children when these things happen. My ex certainly doesn't make it easy. But I will keep pushing on for them, because I think their pain is worse than mine, and I want to ease it for them. Somehow.
Two days until my 30th. So philosophical. Went through two towns I used to live in in my formative years, I have yet to visit my friend from when I was six, and yet again meet up with family. Only my second day here. It will happen. :)
 
The last two days have taken a strange turn of events with my auntie.

I met her ex husband, and I reacted badly during breakfast. I was laughing at his childish behaviour and my aunt thought I was laughing with him, so thought I was flirting with him, and him with me. This didn't start the vacation off on a good note.

Then I mentioned going to poly meet up and meeting a man from Okc while here as well as visiting cousins and friends on my own. She wasn't happy. So much so we had our first ever argument in the car from grocery shopping.

All say has been miscommunication too as I have struggled to translate in my brain English to English. It's not so much the actual words being different, as it is context of words. For example we went to a garden store and we're talking about perennials,,which I know nothing about, and she said they Don't die they live all year long... but I took her word usage meaning as something else entirely. There's a whole plethora of words that overlap but mean slightly different things from USA to UK . Yield means give way. Excuse me is pardon. Pardon British also means "what? Or huh?" in America. Pardon men in American can be taken as an offence or sarcasm. Pardon in British is meant as a question.
Watch out for something in American is "mind something/someone" in British.
And these are examples of ten minutes of confusion out with each other.

I am truly having reverse culture shock. And feeling a bit dismayed.

In our nonsensical argument, about me having autonomy as an adult in this country, she said why don't I go off with (ex husband), and do the poly meet up with him.

Yikes! I am wondering if I should extend my time with my coinsin longer. I may have more freedom then, and less concerns. I dont even know how to talk to my aunt right now. She knew me a year and a half ago and considers me a daughter. Fine but I deserve respect, I demand it, and if people don't get on board that's their problem not mine. I have worked hard, I continue to do so and I run my life autonomously. Not with anyone else's approval.
 
I spoke this morning to clear the air with my aunt.

I realised one of tow things, 1) she is reacting emotionally because she is on verge of divorce. And 2) she wants to look out for me out of a place of love not control.

She apologised for what she said, and I apologised for behaving badly/incorrectly. I am used to being me the past year and a half around men, because I have worked hard in that department. I don't know the rules of cheating husband almost ex husband when I the first meeting he was trying to flirt with me only I didn't pick up on that because why would a married man do that in front of my aunt????? That's horrid, because he's not openly poly non monogamous, he cheats...that's a whole different kettle of beans. And we'll, if he shows up again I am making a hasty exit. What a slime ball.

Anyway. I reassured her I find him disgusting and was only being polite for her sake, and was laughing because he had the emotional intelligence of a 15 year old. Seriously. Shows up first day after my trip while we're still in pjs, with no warning, and auntie and I hadn't had a chat on how to deal with that situation yet. Sigh. Then sits there and trying to prove how right he is about some stupid thing. So hurtful. Gr.

Their dysfunction, not my problem.

I also explained why I thought she was telling me what to do. She kept giving me advice I. Being cautious. I said, auntie, I have been living on my own since 18. I have been living in London for three years. I have biked in London. Travelled on my own, camped on my own, met new people online on my own, dealt with everything on my own...and I understand you're concerned and I hear you. Thank you, but I am still going to go do these things because I want to.

First order on list, new SS card, then new license. I have an expired Utah one, so getting a WV one won't be too hard. Then I will be able to rent a car or borrow other people's.

So, yes, on the way to some independence for my trip. Next time I will come over with my full UK one, but still have learner one over there. And there's perks to having USA ones. Having one foot in each country is hard work. Lot of legal tape.

So yes I was feeling very stifled by the lack of public transport here. I didn't plan my trip too well I don't think ;)

I am used to dealing with Rocky who knows how fiercely independent I am. Where as aunti nursed me back to health in one of my most vulnerable times in my life.

I a, heaps more independent now, and don't know why I am slipping backwards...i am also annoyed that my mother is coming to visit without discussing plans with me. She wants me to just drop everything for her and see her, and she's encroaching for three weeks with my aunt, with grandma and her husband and two dogs. Ugh. This is not how I envisioned in my trip. What can I do to take more control over what I do with my time here?

Perhaps I will stay with other people during that time, and I am only here six weeks. So maybe I just need to chill the fuck out and realise this is a different culture, different way of doing things, and I am not a child. I can do what I like, when I like. I just have to break each problem down and sort them out. Yup.

It was so different when auntie was at my home, she moved at London pace with me. And it wasn't her home, so, she shared respect and rules. Here...it's like I have been converted to child, and when my mother comes it will be even worse. Good grief, I miss London.

On top of this tomorrow is my thirtieth. And, I am sick with something I picked up on the plane. Sigh. I need to figure out how to go visit maybe Kay, or someone, who respects my autonomy. I love my aunt but I think I want to adventure, a lot. I want to stay here another week or two and then head to Utah to visit. And then make a circuit back. Perhaps?

Edited to add that I solved the problem.
I sat down and spoke plainly of all my concerns with her, and we organised our calendar for the next three weeks with things to do, and I am going ahead with the poly group meeting. Woohoo. I also sorted out to see family and friends, and I got involved in a project for local garden club. The other three weeks my mother, dad, and grandma will be here and I have organised with my aunt how to mitigate my family running interference of my holiday, and also where I will be sleeping ahead of time, and what to do should my mother start trying to scream or argue at me, etc.

talked to Trip today on whatsapp, going to talk on Skype tomorrow. I have limited times I will talk to him on this trip because my schedule is now packed full yay. We are off to Amish town, rennasaince festival, a poly camping trip, local events like mothman event, battle days, and dragon races. All very cool. We are also going shopping one day to pick up some gifts for girls and myself, I want some new winter clothes for my newer smaller shape. I think I was a bit annoyed at having lack of control of what I was doing and feeling a bit put out with my mother swooping in and not even discussing plans. No one else can make plans because she doesn't discuss or make hers. Ugh.
 
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Well today was a much better day.
For starters I talked to both men. I caved with rocky, as it was bday and also I knew he wanted to talk to me. We have a very strong emotional bond, and when I called he said he had been wondering if he should or should not message me. Apparently a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders with everyone knowing about me now. We're still broken up as far as I am aware, but he's talking more about different possibilities. We didn't touch on that much today and instead just focused on what we had been up to etc. I will be talking again on Wednesday with him. This trip will be excruciatingly long with out my men in my life,,and yes right now Rocky isn't a lover or boyfriend, but he's still my man. We agreed to keep talking and keep evolving this as it goes along. So we'll see. I am an idiot for not being able to let this go, but he's one of my soul mates. Not my only one, but right up there with H from high school. One of those rare people you will never be able to get out of your heart and mind no matter how much time goes past or what happens in life.

I also spoke for a bit with Trip this evening...god the way he looks at me. It makes me melt. He looks at me with such tenderness and love. It's a bit overwhelming in its intensity. But in such a good way. I really miss him. I don't miss rocky so much because we are established in each other's life as friends regardless of what else happens...but Trip is not as elastic, and his wounds hurt deeper. I shattered him when I freaked out about his partner, and it's taken him this long to recover. He still is truthfully. I need more time, a lot more until he completely relaxes about that again, and it may be the end of them too, I don't know. Sometimes you see it coming a long way off, even if you're in denial. I only hope he's happy, and find things that make him happy. He apparently went sailing, and loved it! I have never seen him so excited before. It was amazing. I would love to help nurture that side of him. Perhaps help him with physical health and plant ideas of freedom and boating and if he wants to do it just do it. He isn't beholden to anyone...he can just do that if he wants.

Also trip told me he booked off the 6-7 when I get back...yay! We'll have all of that day as I get in early morning and then into the night and next day. I freaking can't wait!!!

It will be super exciting. :) he said he's planning on winding me up the week before I get back via Skype and email/whatsapp. What a mischievous soul.

I have stuck to my calorie counting and Pilates/walking as well as gluten and dairy free lifestyle while here. What a hard time that has been. Especially in face of festival food like elephant ears/funnel cake. I took one bite of my aunts, because I wanted to relive my childhood memory...and it was very nice, but I am glad I stayed strong otherwise. I hadn't had funnel cake in over five years!

The festival was fun, I got to see actual banjo players. It was amazing! and one person on his fiddle, was so good I wished I had my iPad and recorded him for a viral video in YouTube because he was so amazing. I changed plans to go shopping tomorrow to instead head back to the festival on my own and walk around maybe talking to people. I really need to talk to my guys regularly or I get kinda sad, I need to stay connected. I also got a lovely email from Ivy today and that made me super happy as well! She had some great personal news that made me really happy for her. :)

I figured out if I take a morning and nighttime walk, as well as Pilates once a day, I will keep up with my London pace regardless what else we do here. I am really proud of myself. :)

Life is good.
I am totally pmsing, bloating, up and down emotions, and craving chocolate which I refuse to give into this time!
 
I am having a really great time out here but I am missing my men like crazy.
I also miss Ivy and are awesome friendship.

I like being pretty queer and crazy and I guess some peop,e form my past were playing lip service in FB but not interested in person? One of them, B from my childhood, we used to dance together when we were six and have kept on and off touch ever since, invited me around to hers and I called her phone, but no answer. I also left a message on FB. Weird since she reached out to me not the other way around. Oh well. We wouldn't have a lot in common nowadays anyway, as I am very out there...I am so suited to London. Love my home. It's giving me a new sense of appreciation for my home and needing to move on from this funk I have been in since the girls moved out. So I am going to decorate the shiz out of it and find work too. I think I can do this thing!!

I managed to do three days of Pilates in a row, I am taking time out for me while here. Not having the boys around or kids stuff, is letting me do some intense work on my self. Everything from pitching in to my aunts projects (gardening) to journal writing on my inner goals and life direction, to finding myself a fuck buddy fling while here. And owning my slutty self without shame, and learning discretion at appropriate times as this is a small town and I certainly don't want to besmirch my aunts reputation. Also headed up to poly Columbus tomorrow. Woo hoo. I convinced my auntie to take me up ;) still working on my license here. A new SS is on its way then a new license.

I also got a flu shot today, and will get another in UK. No fucking way am I going to let flu get me this year.

So I went to a festival again on Sunday, and today I went on a drive with auntie to local area places, taking pictures. I also did a two mile walk to a nearby park and enjoyed the old railway I passed that was testing a train, and I stopped and spoke briefly to the train driver. I got some footage and pictures for Trip since he loves stuff like this.

As for myself, I am being cordial but distant to aunts husband/ stbx husband. He winked at me and tried to poke me, and keeps trying to get my attention. My method is to follow my aunts lead and only aknowledge him after she does, and any time he wants to engage in one on one I find something else to be busy with either on a walk outside, or in my room etc. any excuse to minimise my time with him.

I have a coffee meet up with a man for casual sex partner while here on Wednesday. i need to veg him first. I don't really do casual well, but I am exploring this side of myself. As a holiday fling, perhaps I can. I personally medically / physically feel better with sex once a week. Excessive sex can make me worse, but once a week really helps my hips / sciatica. I have kept notes. And I didn't pack my toys. So yes, fuck buddy it is. Besides I need to assert some autonomy while here with my aunt. :)

Rocky is back in text communication all of his own volition, it's great. I talk to him again Wednesday I can't wait. Hopefully we can do Skype. I miss him. :)
 
I am in internal mother crisis.

Basically I consider my aunt my adopted mother and more my mother than my own. I know my behaviour will reflect this when she (mother) is around. I do love my mother, even after years of psychological emotional and verbal abuse...but her doctor Jekyll Mrs Hyde routine isn't going to be happening on this vacation. I know her routines, and I will keep treating her the same way I treat stbx husband of Auntie Honour.

Anyways because of this internal bias and the fact I Will stand up for myself, I am worried about falling out with her. I don't want this to happen because I don't wish to burn bridges. But I also don't wish to be the doormat I used to be. Sadly I have to be the bigger woman here and let it roll off my back. Three weeks. That's it.

Then I see trip and having an amazing two days and one night of reconnecting, where I fall into his arms and he in mine and we breathe in that gentle breeze and fresh air of each other's calming presence. I love it. I love him. We will hold each other and he will look at me with his intense amber eyes, that change green when he feels a strong emotion. I love his amber eyes, and his long elegant piano fingers, his gentle demeanour and kind shy smile. He worried I was putting up with him. I told him I have the same fears of him with me, that I wasn't intelligent enough for him. We both got a chuckle out of our insecurities.

So when I see him, he will be my enigma I am discovering, bit by bit...and I can't wait to curl up with him in my bed. To feel small against his tall frame, and feel safe and cherished. He touches my face with such tenderness and warmth.

And then I will see my other love, friend, whatever we are, who gives a crap about labels, the person who is like family to me now, Rocky. I will hug him and feel like I am wrapped up in sunshine and nothing can hurt me, and only rainbows and warmth belong here. And then I will ask him if he wants to make love or not, and if I am lucky enough to receive that gift then, we'll make love like its the last time we ever will. It's a gift more precious to me than gold. When he smiles I melt inside. When he holds me I feel stronger and happier. He is a great man. Rocky also touches my face in the same way, even after breaking up with me. He does love me, and I him, and no matter what happens, I will still love him. :)

So now I am curled up in bed after visiting poly group in Ohio a few hours away so I need to get some sleep!

What a great day today has been. I can work through this with my mother for the sake of my grandma and step dad, they don't deserve to deal in drama or stress from her that would be indirectly caused by me. And yes her emotions and actions are her problem, but it's also cause and effect.

I think I will pass on telling her just how much lack of respect I have for her. She stopped to a new low last week which endangered my daughter and made me very very very angry. But I will deal with it calmly in person in a fashion that outs her inconsiderate behaviour in a way that has an audience and she can deal with that problem her self. She won't drag my children into her problems or endanger them at all ever. Sheesh.

Anyway back to thoughts of my intentional family. My girls, Trip, Ivy, and Rocky. Siren and Gale. I am one lucky lady.
 
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I thought I came here to grieve my children, but I realised I did that on my own, and with rocky and trip in England.

What has actually happened is I have come here to grieve my childhood and put childish things behind me and say goodbye to my living and residing in America, as well as the fantasy of the mother and father I wish I had.

I was behind on my development, because of health, because of negative patterns and because of abuse and the trauma it brought me. I have done ten years of therapy. And I also saying, I am well enough to now move forward.

In order to be a better person, in order to be a better mother, in order to love me, I have to let them go. Let this past go, and put it to rest. This is my memorial, this is my convalescence. And I can do this. I can embrace my adulthood in England. I can embrace my new found poly family and choices. I can endure and life and put down roots and make a home and life there. But I can't keep straddling two worlds and two allegiances to do that right now.

I won't be giving up legal ties, and I do eventually want a summer home here. And I will continue to visit my aunt. But things will be different form now on.

I will come on my own terms, with my license and car next time. I will come with actual finances and not in a place of dependence. I won't be visiting because my mother or family want me to. It's their turn to visit us. I won't be completely dependant on family, and I won't accept their money.

And I won't be prioritising going to America or any trips over my education, work, and financial goals for the next few year.s I will take in England trips, or trips to Europe that costs very little. And I will be working hard on finding a way to move my life foreword. Either I will go full time into education, or part time work and part time education. Either way I will keep on keeping on, and I will out this rumination of my childhood of my mother of my past behind me. That only leads to relapses of my mental health and physical health.

This is why the mother meeting is so important. In. A way it marks me forcing that issue of separation of me and her, the natural thing that usually happens emotionally and physically as a child becomes and adult. Because my mother was always the physical adult but emotional child of the two of us, I did a lot of parenting her. This is me stopping that now to focus on my life. This is me not taking her baits, and this me not being at her beck and call, this is me not taking her phone calls daily because I felt guilty if I didn't. This is me having my sexual and physical autonomy while she is here. This is me treating her as a separate person to me, and forcing her to see that. This is me standing Up for me. Not I. Grand gestures of me marrying someone wrong for me, not in moving halfway around the world,but in a quietness of accepting she will never acknowledge me as an independent atonomous adult and being ok with that. And letting her comments and pettiness and meanness roll right off me. But at the same time, saying calmly and coolly when she does do those things, that her behaviour isn't ok and I won't put up with it.

She has hijacked my vacation without my approval to spend three weeks of my six at my aunts home with me and her, my aunt, my grandma, step dad, and moms two dogs. She just has no care or thought for anyone else and put my aunt on the spot by pulling in a favour and emotionally manipulating my aunt. We both agreed it was manipulation but saw no way around it since we want my grandma (my aunts sister) to have the opportunity to spend time together with other siblings as she is now 75 and has a myriad of health problems and lives in west coast so doesn't get a chance to visit east Coast often.

For her sake only, I will be very patience with my mother. But not for moms.

I can do this. She doesn't own my time or life, and my time with her is a gift, if I choose not to share it, I can do that too. That may be the best way to deal with it. I will choose to spend it with Honour, grandmother, step dad, Mr Date tonight, or my cousin Aurora. And if all of those options fail, there's always long walks, Pilates, and my aunts room to closet myself in. Three weeks. I can do this.
 
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Truly wonderful insight. Thank you so much for sharing.

arohanui
Evie
 
Mr Date tonight was a fabulous success.

Although not a poly situation, it's part of my sexual autonomy, exploration which led me to polyamory, I am still dabbling in flings.

I know that back in England I won't have flings with someone, and recently told an OKC person that.

Irishcoffee taught me that. Relationship anarchy is not something I can do because it requires a lack of labelling that I can't handle. Also, I don't like the ambiguity of it, and feeling like I have no primary partner. I want only primary partners and only "hell yeses" anything less I won't accept.

So back to Mr Date who will be my five week fling while here.
We met in public. I told him my intentions, that I was only here for another five weeks and I wanted to have sex with him. I liked his smell, he ticked all my physical boxes, taller than me, handsome, articulate, interesting...none of those being deal breakers, but having them are nice bonuses. Kindness and gentleness are non negotiable for me though. I guess I don't deal in abrasive/pushy.

We spent three hours together, had a drink, had a fabulous sexy sexy time, and we cuddled afterwards. I learned a hell of a lot about him, and about people in the area, their culture their life style, the way they speak and what makes them tick. He has more shoes than I do, yay I met a country heteroflexible. ;)

Sadly, he's exactly the type I would not have a fling with in England because he's so kind and sweet I wouldn't want to hurt him. I take my sexual knowledge and skills quite a bit more responsibly now, since previous sexual serial dating. Before I was capable or wanted a long term anything. Those were all lessons I was teaching myself about how people work, especially men, and how my triggers work, and PTSD, and what type of man nurtures the healing of my triggers and who exacerbates them. So less about flings and more like one night stands/dates that didn't lead to sex.

So he's struggling finding anyone local who he can gel with, and that's understandable since he was 75% match with me, and I am way way out there. We chuckled a bit about our differences in science/God, but were respectful of each other. I know we're totally incompatible long term for lots of reasons. But I am glad I know him now, and he was great fun in bed. Total chemistry there. I will probably meet up a couple more times before I leave, but nothing too heavy. Maybe once a week or so. Depends if he doesn't dissapear into the wood work lol.

Anyway, I find it really hard because I think what I want with people is emotional and mental connection which just means flings are incompatible with me. Unfortunately I can't get off sexually with out that connection. Literally master bating myself is the most boring thing ever. And having. Sex with someone I don't connect with is like, even more so. Just sex with someone who we connect and can talk..that's awesome but usually leads to feelings on one or both sides. So, yeah there in lies my paradox.

I also spoke to Rocky today, we spent and hour on Skype. It was so nice to see him. We really missed each other. I think I am going against my gut feeling trying to keep sex on the table. I don't think either one of us can do casual sex, were trying with each other, but I am painfully aware of my paradox. The best way to deal with it is not to think or plan beforehand with Rocky and instead if it happens in the moment it happens and not read anything into it, or expect it will happen again. We discussed loads of things, ranging from housing, education, to parents, to libidos, to friends, etc. Life is good.:D
 
Two amazing pieces of news today!

1) I was accepted both as student and with funding for my access to university course at open university for October the third, studying a myriad of taster subjects, in Science, Engineering, Maths, And IT.

2) my mother said she probably won't be coming for three weeks only two because of money. I am being cautiously optimistic and calculating this as a 75% chance of happening, bearing in mind she is flaky and likes to fuck with my brain. :) she could have said it just to receive a narcissistic feed which I didn't give, but that's me hedging over to cynical, so I will stop now.

Yay university here I come!!!!:D:D

Between fun sexy sexy times and uni and sunshine and free food and place to stay and focusing on me and not other people, this has been such a therapeautic vacation. I feel pumped up to tackle life when I return home! I so needed this!!
 
I may have wrote about recently but my mother recently did Skype with DD1 where DD1 stripped naked and my mother showed her an image of twerking. I was so greatly offended by my mother not setting appropriate boundaries and exploiting her young and impressionable mind with suggestive sexual images that I told her off for this behaviour. Instead of an apology I got justification. Worse this was all in written format, and so I took time to breathe and not get sucked in, but then she contacted my aunt while I was on Skype with her. My aunt put the phone on speaker, and my mother went on a tirade about me, that I was lazy, incompetent, horrible daughter, that I didn't deserve my kids, that my disability is a lie, that I am dead to her and she is done with me. That she is going to fly over here to support ex husband in his claim against me, to keep the girls with him.
Click to expand...

This incident from May of this year is haunting me right now.

I got a text message to say step dad is in hospital right now.
Apparently all my extended family knew about it before I did.
I didn't know until two days after he was admitted, and after he almost died.

I called today to say I was going to book train tickets, and did they need help? my sister said and I quote " I don't need you here (my name) , I have family here who helps and supports me. If you want to come just to see me you can, but I don't need you."
I said, " right, well let me clarify, you are my sister, who works part time, raises two kids, just had a new born last month, with a dad who has had cancer all summer, and has now been dealing with him in hospital again, and I am free to help and you don't want that help?"

Sister: "Yes I have family and support here"

Me: "Ok so basically you're saying you don't consider me family?"

Sister: "Well, yes I guess I am saying that, but if you want to co e out just to see me, that's ok, I just don't need you to. And I understand you have things you might need to do, that are important to you."

Me: " no not really, just education right now since my kids are with their dad. I can be on the next train out."

Her: " what do you want me to say (my name), that I want you here, that I need you to rescue me? I won't say that."

(Me thinking, I just want to say you want me, that I can help, that I can make this awful rift between us better, that we can move forward...)

Me: "no I get it, I mean I just lost my kids, it's crazy to think I could offer any sort of support with your kids. I haven't even met them. So yeah, scrap that idea.(said somewhat sarcastically, as I was an excellent mother to my kids outside of my illness.) but I could be emotional support to you."

Sister: " why are you acting so weird? Of course I want to see you, I just don't need you here. (said very cool all of this with out emotion or tone.)

Me: "I am not acting weird, I am just being me. well, thank you for your honesty, I will sleep on it and get back to you tomorrow."

Conversation fail. Two more conversations with my brother and grandma also confirm they don't nessecarily want me around, my grandma because if I come out she won't be able to come to easy coast, as my mother won't come to east Coast just to help my grandma...she would only do it if I were here. Ironically my mother wants to see me the most. Have no idea why after that may incident....which has never been resolved FYI.

Actually my grandma wasn't malicious she just knows how my mom works and really wants to get her things out of storage over here. I get it. She also couldn't tell me that because it would get back to mom who would then change her mind. Or re toad at grandma. Dramas. So yeah makes sense. I understand my grandma really well.

My brother was also fairly accommodating with a big huge butt in the way. Him, sure you fan stay with me...but.......xyz, mostly about his gf/pets/car/how we away he is from family...etc. yeah.

To top off my shitty day I almost broke up with Trip because he agreed to talk to me today, and basically didn't answer my texts all day. When asked why, he didn't have an answer. He was waiting for me to get ahold of him. I pointed out I had, that he hadn't responded. I think he doesn't have the time or energy to invest in me the way I need it. If this continues, and it's happened twice in three days, then we will have words. Further than just me now. Gr.

Also happy super full moon today. I am going to go outside and see if the rain stopped long enough for me to be able to see it.

Trip and I did in the end have a Skype call but again at three am. I can't seem to be in contact in normal daylight times for whatever reason. I asked him why he didn't get ahold of me and he wouldn't answer me directly. He said he was just crappy person and he's sorry, that he had been waiting all afternoon. I said, why were you waiting I texted you three times?? It was me who was waiting. Then he didn't have an answer.

I think perhaps he was self spiralling. Seriously I feel like I am being pulled in to a whirlpool with him and his emotions. Every time I talk to him, even though we laugh and joke, when it comes to me asking simple questions like, why didn'the answer today? aha clams up says its nothing, then gets close to crying. WTF?

I am the one who is angry, yet he's the one whose crying and I don't even know about what, I can't help someone who isn't communicating! I certainly can't sympathise or empathise. And I can't come up with solutions. Like simple solution 1) I can always initiate contact and expect him not to initiate for whatever reason. He feels like crap too busy doesn't lie, text...what ever. I am not going to guess the why, I am going to fix the problem. I get annoyed he won't initiate text with me. So don't expect him to. Problem solved. I can work in that. I know it's not him not loving me or wanting me.

I think, I am tired of guessing. I am tired of not knowing where I stand with people. I am fucked off with my family, with rocky, with trip. I am fucked off with the pattern in myself of trying to get love from people who cannot or willnot commit to me.

I don't know what I am doing with trip. But he better start talking soon or I am done. I want to be there for him but I have precious little to give today, and the last thing I needed today was my BF having no actual reason for not texting me. Not once all day. When he promised to be in contact and Skype with me, and to do so through phone/text. Yeah. Not impressed.

I have forgiven him but I am not trusting him for picking me up now, I am going to make separate arrangements to get home, oh yes I forgot to mention two days ago he told me P said she needs him to babysit, five weeks from now, and he can't spend the night with me, so he would make it up to me. Yup great.
 
If things go south with Trip, I am so off relationships for awhile except casual sexual partners. Even if I don't do casual well. Simply because I need time to heal fro Rocky, and the emotional up and down of investing in people and none working out is exhausting.

Goodness, all I want is people to treat me like a human being, vert simple things.

1) keep your promises
2) acknowledge the relationship socially (friends family FB etc.)
3) be kind and considerate and
4) don't be an asshat.
5) I be attracted to them and they be attracted to me. That's actually really hard for me to achieve.
6) have a similar sense of humour, and understand my jokes, we can banter.
7) be able to articulate needs wants feelings and emotions. Not perfectly,but at least in a way I understand.
8) actually contact me, texts, phone calls, I don't always want to initiate!!
9) be proud of me AS I AM! I am not a project and you can't change me so don't fucking try.
10) don't judge me. Don't compete with me. ( I am going to uni you didn't..whatever..UGH.) Don't compare me to others.
11) have your shit together, both in practical sense and emotional sense.
12) bring more joy and upward feelings than sad feelings.
13) be primary potential, and vice versa. No casual fwb.
 
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