Feeling excluded in poly relationship
- Thread starter polypet
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kdt26417, I feel used to an extent. I also feel like we are sneaking around behind her back, even though that is not the case.
If I was in his shoes I would want to sit down with both of us together and discuss the issue. I would want to open up some communication about what is going on and stop being a go between. I would clear the air and negotiate compromises that work for all three partners. Alas that is not what is happening.
If I was in his shoes I would want to sit down with both of us together and discuss the issue. I would want to open up some communication about what is going on and stop being a go between. I would clear the air and negotiate compromises that work for all three partners. Alas that is not what is happening.
It's funny you say that because, before I came for this visit, I spoke about some of my concerns and fears (the ones I described in my earlier post). His response to that was a whole lecture about solving problems by discussing them and not running away from them and how you grow as a couple because of it. Yet when faced with the very situation that applies to we have not had the discussion.
Rennabear
New member
So my relationship is a none conventional triad. Me my boyfriend and girl friend( though we are more like friends this is what we considered our relationship) They live together I live with my parents and I'm 5 months pregnant and very hormonal so things can be quite complicated. That being said recently my girl friend stop sleeping in the same bed with us when I came to spend the night. Before I was pregnant she always had. So due to pregnancy hormones one night I just lost it and told her you ruined the whole dynamic of our relationship. ( I wouldn't recommend bringing it up that way lol) She explained to me it was just to hot In our bed when all 3 of us are In it. ( she has to sleep against the wall because I get up frequently through the night and our boyfriend in the middle) She had no idea that I was upset because I hadn't said anything to her. ( she assumed I was enjoying sleeping with just our boyfriend) So she figured out she could rearrange the bed so she could be cool and we could all sleep in the same bed. It's a process for her and I I felt for the longest time like I think your feeling now. I thought she didn't want me around so I stopped coming around when she was home. Turns out when we talked her attitude and what I thought was jealously when I was around was actually based on stuff that was going on between them and that she was upset that I had stop going over thinking it was her. But talking things out helped a lot. Maybe you and the alpha could sit down and discuss your feelings if she cares for you the way you felt she does she'll be more then happy to listen and maybe between you two you can figure something out. It's semi new to you both. Don't take it to personal. Good luck Hun I hope that helps.
If I felt that there was a chance it wasn't me I suppose I would be less intimidated to discuss the whole thing. However, it has gotten to the point that she barely even looks at me and when I talk I feel like she wants to just punch me in the face. Honestly I have no clue what I might have done to cause her to act this way to me. I genuinely feel like I have never been anything less than sweet and respectful towards her. It's making me very uncomfortable and I still have 2 more weeks of this.
Inyourendo
New member
No one is forcing you to stay there. You can leave and simply state that you feel unwelcome and want to leave as it's too uncomfortable to stay
Go to a hotel. If you can home home sooner -- go home.
Might be that she's placing her anger with something hinge did on your head because it's easier?
Or she's mad at her own choice to participate in a polyship when she's really not ok? That whole lack of honesty you mentioned in an earlier post.
Who knows but her? Don't take it personally. Just get you home for the short term so you are out of their uncomfortable home. Then you can figure out the long term solution without the extra stress of June shooting daggers at you with her eyes.
Galagirl
Might be that she's placing her anger with something hinge did on your head because it's easier?
Or she's mad at her own choice to participate in a polyship when she's really not ok? That whole lack of honesty you mentioned in an earlier post.
Who knows but her? Don't take it personally. Just get you home for the short term so you are out of their uncomfortable home. Then you can figure out the long term solution without the extra stress of June shooting daggers at you with her eyes.
Galagirl
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I don't know if a heart to heart to heart will ever happen. He seems to act like he is oblivious or maybe just doesn't want to get involved in the drama. Regardless, she is dishonest, she allows him to think she is onboard with his being poly just to please him. In reality she hates me and all of his other girls for sleeping with her boyfriend. She will never tell him that.
Rennabear
New member
That's how I would have described my girl friend. Just walking in the door seemed to piss her off. Did you ask your Dom if you could all sit down and have a conversation? I couldn't remember. Maybe she has no clue what she's doing jealousy is normal in polygamy. Maybe you guys just all need to get back on the same page. I really hope something fixes this I feel like ( though I could be totally wrong) we are/were in the same boat and I know it's a horrible place to be. 
It's highly unlikely that he is oblivious to her feelings. He has some responsibility for sustaining a poly relationship with someone who does not want to be poly. But why would he when she still allows it to continue, and so do you? It's not him that sleeps alone, feels rejected or anything else, it's you two. Why would he do anything to compromise a situation where he is the all round winner?
She is also not sleeping alone, I am. I am the one who is left with a kiss "Good night, see you in the morning". He is keeping her happy and letting her control the relationship without really admitting it. When I hear the way she talks about his girlfriends I know that she probably says similar things about me when I am not around. She is full of jealousy but tries to disguise it by implying that the girls are inadequate.
BTW I want to thank everyone for their comments. It is nice to be part of a community where people genuinely care about the feelings and emotional stresses that complete strangers may be going through. This has been such a difficult process for me especially because the poly relationship is not as healthy as I would like it to be. Sadly I fell in love with this man before June became such an important part of his life.
Again thank you for all of your carefully thought out responses.
Again thank you for all of your carefully thought out responses.
I am sorry it's so difficult. I know you are a sub, and it can be hard to be assertive and stand up for your own rights and emotional comfort, but I highly recommend you do it! If you really care about him, and he you, there should be some way to make this work. The passive aggressive behavior from June sounds intolerable.
I think I'd tell him I can't stand it, and would he pay for a hotel room for the rest of the visit. Even if it's just for another week instead of 2 more weeks. That way you two can have your fun, he could spend the night a few times, and June can have her home back.
I think I'd tell him I can't stand it, and would he pay for a hotel room for the rest of the visit. Even if it's just for another week instead of 2 more weeks. That way you two can have your fun, he could spend the night a few times, and June can have her home back.
You're right, it is difficult as a sub to stand up for my needs in a relationship but I am starting to reach that boiling point. Passive aggressive is a perfect description for how she is behaving towards me.
My biggest fear in telling him how I feel about the situation is how he might react. He is most protective of June and I know that he has ended relationships with girls that spoke out against June. Granted those situations may have been different as I was told they were trying to convince him to leave her, but part of me wonders if they fell victim to her manipulations as well. Regardless, I fear that if I explain to him that she is being cruel and making me feel unwelcome, he will take that as an insult to her and let me go as a result.
Inyourendo
New member
Why are you willing to feel like shit to protect his feelings or avoid confrontation? Is your self esteem so low that you are willing to be abused and live in fear of being dumped? Can't you find a partner who loves you? Maybe he should just be monogamous with June since clearly no one can have a relationship with him.
If he steps up as a result of you speaking up and he sorts his stuff/boundaries out with June, you are free of June mess.
If he let's you go as a result of you speaking up, you are free of June mess.
If you speak up and you let him go, you are free of June mess.
Win for you any of those ways.
If you stay silent and stay for more, you are NOT free of June mess. I do not suggest you remain silent.
Galagirl
If he let's you go as a result of you speaking up, you are free of June mess.
If you speak up and you let him go, you are free of June mess.
Win for you any of those ways.
If you stay silent and stay for more, you are NOT free of June mess. I do not suggest you remain silent.
Galagirl
That is a little bit insensitive to attack my self esteem as in every other aspect of my life I am quite secure and in control.
Gala Girl, I love how you analyze a situation and offer a variety of solutions. Yes being free of Junes mess is the ideal solution here, however, I would be fine with just keeping our relationships separate. I do not want to be without him, this has been a 5 year long relationship I would be ending.