Feeling excluded in poly relationship

I would be fine with just keeping our relationships separate.
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I file that under "He sorts out his stuff/boundaries with June."

And you decline any invitations to hang out with the two of them in future if he does not sort it out and he does not keep the relationships separate. YOU can keep them separate.

You have to maintain your own healthy boundaries. Because while he might be the one picking wonky June out, the one picking him out is you. You could choose to stop picking him if it gets too be too much for you.

Galagirl
 
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I'm completely with Gala Girl on this one.
 
polypet said:
That is a little bit insensitive to attack my self esteem as in every other aspect of my life I am quite secure and in control.

Gala Girl, I love how you analyze a situation and offer a variety of solutions. Yes being free of Junes mess is the ideal solution here, however, I would be fine with just keeping our relationships separate. I do not want to be without him, this has been a 5 year long relationship I would be ending.
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Oh? I apologize, from all the things you posted the opposite appeared to be true. Im sorry that I misread all your posts and assumed that you were being taken advantage of
 
polypet said:
You're right, it is difficult as a sub to stand up for my needs in a relationship but I am starting to reach that boiling point. Passive aggressive is a perfect description for how she is behaving towards me.
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There are reasons, I assume, that you are a sub and want someone to dominate you, correct? Whether there are goals to reach for, issues to work through, or desires to be fulfilled, I am certain you did not agree to a D/s dynamic just for the heck of it. Nobody enters into a Total Power Exchange lightly. So, it is on you to speak up if/when your Dom is not taking care of you properly. In this case, his passive/aggressive girlfriend is hampering your well-being and your ability to be there for him, as well, because of her hostility toward you. If he is in denial, and you won't speak up for yourself because it's difficult to do so "as a sub," why engage in a dynamic where you can't get what you need from it? Who else will speak for you?

polypet said:
My biggest fear in telling him how I feel about the situation is how he might react. He is most protective of June and I know that he has ended relationships with girls that spoke out against June . . . I fear that if I explain to him that she is being cruel and making me feel unwelcome, he will take that as an insult to her and let me go as a result.
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Well, if that is all it takes to piss someone off enough to end a five year relationship, they aren't worth holding onto, imho. No one should feel they must walk on eggshells around someone they love, Dom or not. You have value as a human being and should feel valued in any relationship, and safe enough to speak about what isn't working for you. Everyone, whether poly or mono, kinky or vanilla, should feel safe in a love relationship, valued, appreciated, respected, and HEARD.
 
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nycindie said:
There are reasons, I assume, that you are a sub and want someone to dominate you, correct? Whether there are goals to reach for, issues to work through, or desires to be fulfilled, I am certain you did not agree to a D/s dynamic just for the heck of it. Nobody enters into a Total Power Exchange lightly. So, it is on you to speak up if/when your Dom is not taking care of you properly. In this case, his passive/aggressive girlfriend is hampering your well-being and your ability to be there for him, as well, because of her hostility toward you. If he is in denial, and you won't speak up for yourself because it's difficult to do so "as a sub," why engage in a dynamic where you can't get what you need from it? Who else will speak for you?


Well, if that is all it takes to piss someone off enough to end a five year relationship, they aren't worth holding onto, imho. No one should feel they must walk on eggshells around someone they love, Dom or not. You have value as a human being and should feel valued in any relationship, and safe enough to speak about what isn't working for you. Everyone, whether poly or mono, kinky or vanilla, should feel safe in a love relationship, valued, appreciated, respected, and HEARD.
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Assuming this D/s dynamic goes beyond some bedroom kink, I totally agree with what nycindie says here.

A submissive should not have to fear expressing feelings to their Dom. I've had a 24/7 Master/slave relationship and even then she understood she could tell me if anything was wrong. As a Dom, he is failing you.
 
I want to hold up that June is not a bad person. She is uncomfortable being in relationship with this polyamorous guy. You and she will undoubtedly both feel better, more valued, less confused, if you do not come to her home to enjoy Ethan. No matter how "sweet and respectful" you act towards her, the fact remains she feels yucky sharing her home with you.

Ethan is unaware completely of the animosity of his 2 lovers? Men can be so clueless. Hint and innuendos and passive aggressiveness and your distress, and June's, may just not be pinging his radar. He is feeling sexy and turned on to have 2 subs in his home together. He is thinking more with his dick than his rational brain. Men can get pumped up by the excitement of having 2 women at their beck and call and be completely unaware of the dissatisfaction and lack of fulfillment the women are feeling.

Some men, and some Doms, are more aware of others' emotions. It is clear Ethan is not. It is up to you to let him know you are feeling extremely uncomfortable there in his home with June. You do NOT have to diss her to explain that. You don't have to "say anything against her." You just have to explain you are uncomfortable and know she is too.

Ethan might be trying to be a good hinge, but without accurate feedback from at least one of you women, he won't know how to proceed. It seems he's had several women in this uneasy triad situation before, and yet he keeps doing it, since everyone is too subby and afraid to let him know how shitty it is for them!
 
NYCindie and Vinsanity, you are both correct, I should not be afraid to tell him how I feel. I wonder a little if my fear is contrived and not really something I should be worried about. I suppose talking to him would be the best way to figure that out.

Magdlyn, I agree that June is not a bad person. I think there are many factors that might be causing her to behave this way. One factor could be that she has described some rather unpleasant situations with unstable women. That would concern me too. Another thing I have considered (as I do try to put myself in other peoples shoes rather than making snap judgements) is that I am here for a long time. The last time I visited was only for a few days which is a lot easier to handle for any person. Currently I am here for nearly a month and as this is partly a business trip for me I could end up coming back soon and for longer. I am sure that is a huge adjustment for her.

However, after all that is said and done, none of it is an excuse to treat someone poorly. I feel like there is no good time to discuss the issues and try to clear the air. Last night seemed a little more comfortable as the three of us curled up and watched a movie. She seemed more relaxed at least, which, in turn made me more relaxed.
 
June is not a bad person, but I think she's behaving poorly if she's not being honest about not wanting to be in a polyship and then acting out passive aggressively at you as a result.

I feel like there is no good time to discuss the issues and try to clear the air.
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If there is no good time? Then just the sooner the better. Get it over with. YOU clear the air, preferably with hotel room already booked.

Tell him something like " I think I have overstayed my welcome. I don't know if June would prefer not to be a poly network. I do know that I don't like behavior I am experiencing from June like _______. So I am off to stay at a hotel for the remainder of my trip. Thank you for hosting me. I just don't think it is a good match for me to stay here."

Let the chips fall where they may. He can visit you at the hotel while you are in town or not. He can deal with June or not.

You have removed yourself from the drama. Try on that "separate V" thing -- and if it doesn't work out? Reassess later on if you still want to be in this network.

Galagirl
 
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polypet said:
Magdlyn, I agree that June is not a bad person. I think there are many factors that might be causing her to behave this way. One factor could be that she has described some rather unpleasant situations with unstable women. That would concern me too. Another thing I have considered (as I do try to put myself in other peoples shoes rather than making snap judgements) is that I am here for a long time. The last time I visited was only for a few days which is a lot easier to handle for any person. Currently I am here for nearly a month and as this is partly a business trip for me I could end up coming back soon and for longer. I am sure that is a huge adjustment for her.
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June might not be a "bad" person, but she's not exactly a "good" person either.

Things "good" people don't do (or "Things people don't do, when they're being "good"):

- Enter into a relationship that has major aspects that they dislike (if June is really mono, and only putting up with metamours to keep Ethan)
- Talk about EVERY, SINGLE past metamour as a mentally unstable, crazy bitch.
- Be cold and unpleasant and passive aggressive instead of directly talking about problems.

And speaking of having problems with mentally unstable people - I have a question (which IMO will say a lot about the "goodness" of June): When June talks about the unstable past women, is she respectful generally, or are they all just crazy bitches to her? Because you know what makes some people act "crazy"? Being treated like shit with a PA metamour, while said metamour is also swearing that they ARE poly and nice and watching the hinge partner back up/support/make excuses for/pander to the PA metamour.

Anyway, the point of my question is that if June's generally attitude is respectful to the humanity of the ex-metas, then that seems to put her more in the "good person" court. But if they're all just "crazy bitches" to her, I'd both question what she personally did to help push them into that headspace, as well as doubt her goodness as a person. Because the concept that Ethan has dated crazy bitch after crazy bitch...not knowing any of you personally, I'm only speculating here, but I just don't buy it.

Basically, I wouldn't be cutting June as much slack as you seem inclined to, OP. If she CHOSE to be a relationship with a poly person when she's mono, then she made most of this mess herself, when she decided to do that.


polypet said:
I feel like there is no good time to discuss the issues and try to clear the air.
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There never will be. But you know what there will be plenty of? Times when you feel super-shitty, and don't say anything, and then the moment that things don't feel completely awful (like say, curling up together on a couch, watching a movie), telling yourself that they are "good enough" to keep this going. Until the next time that June is shitty and PA to you. Rinse, repeat, feel more and more depressed and miserable as the cycle continues.
 
Yeah... no. I don't think all the exes may have been crazy bitches, but unicorn hunters (people in couples forcing triads) do seem to prey on young single women with few friends and family, and perhaps financial difficulties. These relationships start out as a sexy triad, but soon crash and burn, usually when the original female partner gets jealous. And then the "bitch" is out, and still friendless, rootless and broke.

I still think it's up to polypet to be the change she wants to see. But if she's willing to just let it all slide, not discuss it, and even come back for a longer (!) visit in the coming months, so be it. We are wasting our keyboards.

Guests are like fish. They both start to stink after 3 days.
 
Magdlyn said:
Yeah... no. I don't think all the exes may have been crazy bitches, but unicorn hunters (people in couples forcing triads) do seem to prey on young single women with few friends and family, and perhaps financial difficulties. These relationships start out as a sexy triad, but soon crash and burn, usually when the original female partner gets jealous. And then the "bitch" is out, and still friendless, rootless and broke.

I still think it's up to polypet to be the change she wants to see. But if she's willing to just let it all slide, not discuss it, and even come back for a longer (!) visit in the coming months, so be it. We are wasting our keyboards.
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After reading the entire thread, I agree. In any event, polypet, how is this relationship happy or healthy for you? How are your needs being met? Some philosopher said a long time ago, that, "all relationships are usery," I'm simply not seeing the utility in the relationship.
 
I know I wouldn't be happy about someone invading my space for 3 WEEKS.
 
Magdlyn said:
Yeah... no. I don't think all the exes may have been crazy bitches, but unicorn hunters (people in couples forcing triads) do seem to prey on young single women with few friends and family, and perhaps financial difficulties. These relationships start out as a sexy triad, but soon crash and burn, usually when the original female partner gets jealous. And then the "bitch" is out, and still friendless, rootless and broke.

I still think it's up to polypet to be the change she wants to see. But if she's willing to just let it all slide, not discuss it, and even come back for a longer (!) visit in the coming months, so be it. We are wasting our keyboards.

Guests are like fish. They both start to stink after 3 days.
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I agree that I was their unicorn, although I do not fit the profile of being younger as I am in my 30's.

I understand your frustration with my responses as I have not made a commitment on how to deal with the situation. But I want to assure you I have heard everything everyone has said, you certainly have not wasted your keyboards. Not only has the advice been welcome it has also made me feel a lot better and given me a lot to consider. I believe I will begin with rectifying the situation by stating a dialogue between me and Ethan and let him know how I have been hurt and feeling attacked. If Ethan is no longer oblivious he will see how she behaves and hopefully together we can put it to rest. Failing that I will then choose to leave the situation.

47newbie, there are many positive things I get out of the relationship. Ethan is very kind and intelligent. He makes me feel special.
 
Dagferi said:
I know I wouldn't be happy about someone invading my space for 3 WEEKS.
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Or more! When my ex h and I first opened our relationship, his gf came for a "short visit," and stayed... and stayed... It drove me nuts! And she was a lovely person and very kind and respectful, but god, it was awkward to be around their sexual energy day after day after day.
 
My homes are my safe place.

Butch is very happy for me that I have Murf in my life. But he doesn't want Murf invading his safety zone aka his house more than a rare occasion. If Murf lived a distance away we would have to shell out for a hotel. It would not be fair to ask anyone to pay hostess for any extended period of time.
 
It is not as though I invited myself to stay with them, Ethan invited me. Before I came I asked a million times if he was sure it would be fine. I am not the house guest who will not leave. In fact before I came a secured a place and paid for it just in case I needed to get away. I have suggested several times I go there and I made it clear to June if she wanted me to go there to let me know. Each time I bring it up I am told no and to stay, by both of them. Trust me I am not the type to want to over stay my welcome as I have pride.
 
It sounds like you have a good backup plan.
 
polypet said:
It is not as though I invited myself to stay with them, Ethan invited me. Before I came I asked a million times if he was sure it would be fine. I am not the house guest who will not leave. In fact before I came a secured a place and paid for it just in case I needed to get away. I have suggested several times I go there and I made it clear to June if she wanted me to go there to let me know. Each time I bring it up I am told no and to stay, by both of them. Trust me I am not the type to want to over stay my welcome as I have pride.
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Oh! Well, well. This is new and interesting information! I think you just need to go there (to this other place you've secured) and not wait to ask them. You may be his Sub, but you still have the right to a safe space, and to choose where you will stay. He's got to realize he's not doing this very well at all. It's ridiculous, really, that he keeps expecting you to stay there with her when you have somewhere else to go. Just go! Then tell him that you know you are not welcome there and do not wish to inflict your presence on her any longer. Geez, I really have seen many times that D/s can be done very poorly. Sometimes I think anyone who wants to be a Dom should take a training course and pass a test. Basic human rights to make a decision are still yours!
 
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You're right I think I will go stay there a couple of nights, but not until I have a discussion with him so that the two of them can talk about what I have to say while I am gone. With any luck things will be resolved. Everyone craves some space right now. Except maybe Ethan.
 
Glad to hear you are going to your space because YOU need to go and get some time/space away from all this.

Rather than waiting for one of them to tell you to go. All while feeling weird at their home.

You could be assertive about your desire to be a sub --- but only in a healthy way.

Galagirl
 
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