Feeling excluded in poly relationship

Yeah I, too, think it's a good move.
 
Read the thread all the way through. This is absolutely the best thing polypet can do for herself right now, instead of remaining in a toxic environment where her presence is hurting her metamour and where her Dom is pretty clueless about the animosity being directed her way.

Good for you, polypet! Stay strong.
 
Thank you for your support, I do believe this will be a positive move for me as well. I came to the decision last night as Ethan was working late and June and I literally sat in complete silence for 4 hours until he got home. I figure if she can't even be bothered to try to hold a conversation with me how can I continue to intrude in her life. I still hope that he and I can come to some sort of solution where he is comfortable keeping us separate because I do not want to lose him and the relationship. I admit I have a lot of anxiety over it all right now.
 
It's not up to him! He may be your Dom, but these kinds of arrangements, trying to cohabitate with 2 lovers, even for a longish temporary visit, don't just happen by themselves.

Read Bluebird's blog in our blog section. She has 2 husbands, and a new boyfriend, and she is constantly coming up with ways to meet all their needs as best she can. It takes a competent sensitive thoughtful person to be a good hinge when cohabitating.

Polygyny: ie: one man and 2 wives (or concubines) has been around a long time, thousands of years. It's never easy. There is literature from ancient cultures, such as in the Talmud of Judaism, and in the Kama Sutra, on what the responsibilities of the husband, and of each wife, depending on when she was brought into the household, are. What must the man do? Give each woman as much sex as she needs? Bring home the bacon? Sure, those are the easy parts. There is much more to be done.

And the elder wife, and the newer ones, each have their responsibilites, to their shared man, to each other, to the household management, to the children.

You and June, sitting there waiting for Him to come home, not speaking, as if you were empty vessels waiting to be filled, could sound exciting as a sub. But you're both seething with resentment and awkwardness, with no direction, no role, no privacy, etc. I think you are starting to be aware this is not healthy for anyone, much less exciting.
 
Magdlyn said:
It's not up to him! He may be your Dom, but these kinds of arrangements, trying to cohabitate with 2 lovers, even for a longish temporary visit, don't just happen by themselves.

Read Bluebird's blog in our blog section. She has 2 husbands, and a new boyfriend, and she is constantly coming up with ways to meet all their needs as best she can. It takes a competent sensitive thoughtful person to be a good hinge when cohabitating.

Polygyny: ie: one man and 2 wives (or concubines) has been around a long time, thousands of years. It's never easy. There is literature from ancient cultures, such as in the Talmud of Judaism, and in the Kama Sutra, on what the responsibilities of the husband, and of each wife, depending on when she was brought into the household, are. What must the man do? Give each woman as much sex as she needs? Bring home the bacon? Sure, those are the easy parts. There is much more to be done.

And the elder wife, and the newer ones, each have their responsibilites, to their shared man, to each other, to the household management, to the children.

You and June, sitting there waiting for Him to come home, not speaking, as if you were empty vessels waiting to be filled, could sound exciting as a sub. But you're both seething with resentment and awkwardness, with no direction, no role, no privacy, etc. I think you are starting to be aware this is not healthy for anyone, much less exciting.
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I will research some of your suggestions, thank you for the information.

Us sitting in silence for hours waiting for him to come home certainly had nothing to do with excitement. Neither of us are the silent sub only speaking when spoken to. When I am with my friends or alone with Ethan I have no problem being vocal. I tried to engage June in conversation, however, all I was meet with was one word responses so we just put on a movie and stopped talking.

It all comes down to her hating me for sleeping with her boyfriend. She makes me feel like we are cheating in plain sight if that makes sense? Regardless, I am currently not in their home so I will see what happens next.
 
Read Bluebird's blog in our blog section. She has 2 husbands, and a new boyfriend, and she is constantly coming up with ways to meet all their needs as best she can. It takes a competent sensitive thoughtful person to be a good hinge when cohabitating.
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Awwww! I love you! I wouldn't necessarily hold me up as an example of a great hinge, but I appreciate the kudos. :)

That said, I am not a mind reader. If my guys don't tell me what is going on, I have no clue, or I could guess incorrectly. I expect them to act like adults and speak up for themselves. I can't make corrections if I don't know that adjustments are needed. We don't have a D/S dynamic, but regardless, your story here sounds crazy to me.

The couple privilege you are being asked to tolerate is complete bullshit, in my opinion. Especially if June is faking it and acting like everything is wonderful when Ethan is around. I would let him know that it isn't ok, and that she isn't ok and you are bouncing. It sounds like it has happened in the past, and it will probably keep on happening if no one ever tells Ethan why things are being fucked up. If he chooses not to understand, then that is on him.

Good luck polypet. You deserve better than this.
 
When I really think about it, I think coming for this extended visit has been a good thing. In the past when he and I would spend a day or two together alone, or when I spent a few days with them as a couple it was easy for everyone to just hide their emotions and "fake" it. However, it is a lot harder to hide your true selves when you are face to face for a longer period of time. At least now when I go home I will leave with no delusions of a perfect poly triad... And that is my silver lining.
 
Yep! You've learned something about this relationship, and about yourself too, I bet. Don't tolerate bullshit just because the cow patty has plopped into a flower patch.
 
I am the hinge between my two husbands.

For a long time Butch "sucked it up" and begrudgingly allowed Murf over a lot more often earlier in our relationship. He only did it to make me happy. He was miserable. When he finally told me how he felt I felt horrible.

Now things are wonderful. But as a hinge it is my job to keep my guys need in mind and balance it all. Frankly Ethan is a sloppy hinge. It's all about him while you ave June suffer.
 
Dagferi said:
I am the hinge between my two husbands.

For a long time Butch "sucked it up" and begrudgingly allowed Murf over a lot more often earlier in our relationship. He only did it to make me happy. He was miserable. When he finally told me how he felt I felt horrible.

Now things are wonderful. But as a hinge it is my job to keep my guys need in mind and balance it all. Frankly Ethan is a sloppy hinge. It's all about him while you ave June suffer.
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I am glad for you and Butch that he found the courage to eventually tell you how he felt.

Honestly I feel June owns more of the problems in the relationship. She is being deceitful and manipulative. As I have had time to myself to think about it I feel it is something I need to distance myself from.
 
I'm sorry things have turned out this way for you. The good news is that you've probably learned a lot from the experience. No matter how things go with Ethan in the future, I bet you'll be able to spot this kind of problem coming a lot sooner and save yourself some grief.
 
You don't know if June is to blame. You are not privy to the conversations between just them. He could be telling you one thing and her another. She could be like you and scared to speak her mind for fear of losing him.
 
I have to say polypet, you're making the age-old mistake of putting the blame for this situation squarely on June's shoulders. It is Ethan who created this situation.
 
Dagferi said:
You don't know if June is to blame. You are not privy to the conversations between just them. He could be telling you one thing and her another. She could be like you and scared to speak her mind for fear of losing him.
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MightyMax said:
I have to say polypet, you're making the age-old mistake of putting the blame for this situation squarely on June's shoulders. It is Ethan who created this situation.
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You are both right that it is not entirely her fault, however, she knew he was poly from the day they met. She willingly entered into the relationship knowing his expectations and agreeing to them. I do believe that she originally felt she could be on board with it all but eventually changed her mind as their relationship deepened. As someone who has witnessed their relationship, from the moment they became live-in partners, my perception is that she gradually changed the rules without telling him about it. Do I think she fears telling him that she no longer wants him to be poly she will lose him? Absolutely! After all I don't think he will be happy in a monogamous relationship. Polyamory is a part of his identity and trying to change that would be a successful as trying to change someone who is gay, straight.
 
polypet said:
You are both right that it is not entirely her fault, however, she knew he was poly from the day they met. She willingly entered into the relationship knowing his expectations and agreeing to them. I do believe that she originally felt she could be on board with it all but eventually changed her mind as their relationship deepened. As someone who has witnessed their relationship, from the moment they became live-in partners, my perception is that she gradually changed the rules without telling him about it. Do I think she fears telling him that she no longer wants him to be poly she will lose him? Absolutely! After all I don't think he will be happy in a monogamous relationship. Polyamory is a part of his identity and trying to change that would be a successful as trying to change someone who is gay, straight.
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Yeah, see, with all the promises of exclusivity and the need to distinguish between you, the sub he doesn't love and her, the alpha, the girlfriend or whatever, he doesn't sound all that poly himself. Sure, he likes variety, but if he is poly, he subscribes to a very hierarchical form which some people would say actually opposes what polyamory is really about. I think she has more chance of making him more mono than you do of making him more poly. He knows what the rules are and he keeps to them. He's perfectly overt in letting you know where you stand. It's now time for you to stop deflecting the blame onto her and decide whether this actually works for you. My guess is that it doesn't.
 
What other people are saying is that June can only change the rules if Ethan lets her. Ethan could stop being a floppy hing and firmly tell her that her behavior toward you was unacceptable and she could shape up or ship out.

But it sounds like he won't do that, not because he's oblivious--after all, you've talked to him about it--but because he doesn't want to rock the boat he has with her. Therefore, in some ways he's responsible for the situation. That doesn't make either June or Ethan bad people, it just means being a relationship with them would be more difficult, especially if you have a rough time setting boundaries and standing up for yourself.

Maybe losing you will be the wakeup call he needs, and maybe it won't. You can't change his floppy behavior any more than you can change her antagonism. You can only decide to stop accepting it.
 
At this point in time it doesn't seem to matter if it is Ethan's or June's or a combo of each of their behaviors.

Bottom line is that it is weird there and you have decided to distance yourself. If that's the healthiest choice for YOU -- I say go for it.

Galagirl
 
MightyMax said:
Yeah, see, with all the promises of exclusivity and the need to distinguish between you, the sub he doesn't love and her, the alpha, the girlfriend or whatever, he doesn't sound all that poly himself. Sure, he likes variety, but if he is poly, he subscribes to a very hierarchical form which some people would say actually opposes what polyamory is really about. I think she has more chance of making him more mono than you do of making him more poly. He knows what the rules are and he keeps to them. He's perfectly overt in letting you know where you stand. It's now time for you to stop deflecting the blame onto her and decide whether this actually works for you. My guess is that it doesn't.
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Poly BDSM relationships are quite often hierarchical. That doesn't make him less poly, if that is even what is going on here.
 
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