The guy has told her that he doesn't love her. And I'm one of those people who believe that a certain amount of hierarchy essentially means that the relationship isn't polyamorous. It's an open relationship with exclusive emotional intimacy.
Feeling excluded in poly relationship
- Thread starter polypet
- Start date
The guy has told her that he doesn't love her. And I'm one of those people who believe that a certain amount of hierarchy essentially means that the relationship isn't polyamorous. It's an open relationship with exclusive emotional intimacy.
So I have been trying to distance myself from this thread as I have been feeling a lot of criticism towards the validity of my feelings. This has made my difficult situation feel that much more difficult. However, I do want to clarify a few things. Yes there generally are hierarchies in BDSM relationships, these hierarchies assign roles and is desired in most D/s dynamics. I do not believe there is just one right way to do poly and that it should subscribe to a specific script simply because that is how YOU do poly. And finally I did not say that he told me he does not love me, I said he does not love me because neither of us have said that to each other and I do not believe he loves me.
Thank you to those who have offered genuine insight and caring, thoughtful words. I am truly struggling and feeling awful as I mourn a 5 year relationship.
Thank you to those who have offered genuine insight and caring, thoughtful words. I am truly struggling and feeling awful as I mourn a 5 year relationship.
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I have many friends who practice a kinky lifestyle. Yes, they have subs but their subs are still partners. Nobody is questioning the validity of your feelings or even this guy's ethics as you signed up for what he's offering. You said that it was okay for him to take things away from you and give them to her. I'm just saying that many people, including me, believe that his approach basically opposes polyamory.
I just wanted to say I hope things work out for the best for you guys! Poly is definitely tricky and has its ups and downs but hard work and dedication can help fix any stick situation. Best wishes for you 3.
Thank you that is kind of you to say xo.
Thank you GalaGirl, your advice has always been helpful.
((((((hugs))))))
For the record, I think taking a big step back was the healthiest thing for you. And even while this time hurts and is sad, I hope there is some healing in it for you.
And I also wanted to say that you never know where things will end. I believe you mentioned that you knew Ethan before June did. Maybe at some point, this happening over and over will be a wake-up call to him. Maybe things will change for the better. Or maybe the only "better" is you getting away from it and having a life either without Ethan, or with Ethan in a much reduced role. It sounds like it's too soon to know.
I do hope that whatever happens creates a safer, more comfortable, and more loving situation for you.
For the record, I think taking a big step back was the healthiest thing for you. And even while this time hurts and is sad, I hope there is some healing in it for you.
And I also wanted to say that you never know where things will end. I believe you mentioned that you knew Ethan before June did. Maybe at some point, this happening over and over will be a wake-up call to him. Maybe things will change for the better. Or maybe the only "better" is you getting away from it and having a life either without Ethan, or with Ethan in a much reduced role. It sounds like it's too soon to know.
I do hope that whatever happens creates a safer, more comfortable, and more loving situation for you.
I am primarily focusing on my work, which is the primary reason I am here. However, we have seen each other and spoken. He thinks that June and I simply need our space. Personally I think he is just avoiding the conflict by not discussing it. I am never given time alone with him, when I do see him he always brings her along. This makes it difficult to explain my feelings because all conversations involve both of them. When he gives me a kiss it always feels like a stolen kiss when her back is turned.
Soon I will be going home and I think when that happens I will just let myself fade away from their lives.
IndieSolo
Active member
I'm sorry, too, that he couldn't step up and even ask why you decided to stay elsewhere, nor make an effort to see you alone. I think your plan to let go of the whole thing is really going to turn out to be the best thing for you, as much as it probably hurts right now.
(((Hugs)))
(((Hugs)))
Sorry things turned out that way.
Thank you, honestly I am starting to be more annoyed about it than anything. Maybe I am a little cold but I just find myself feeling fed up and over the drama, I do not have time to cater to other people's bad behaviours. Either that or it is just a phase and I will be more sad about it later.
I think fed up is just fed up. Past your limit of tolerance for shenanigans. That's not being "cold." That's being "done."
You might all kinds of things as you heal from this. I still think backing away is the best choice for you. You are not getting what you need here.
Galagirl
You might all kinds of things as you heal from this. I still think backing away is the best choice for you. You are not getting what you need here.
Galagirl
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It could be both. You could be burned out on being sad AND also your drama-limit is getting close to being reached.
IMO, not being able to see him without her is a huge red flag. If I were you, I think I might have said by now "Ethan, I'd really like the two of us to get together and talk. Can we do that?" And see what he says/what happens. Then, depending on how I felt, that might be a good-bye talk, or it might be a talk to see if there is anything salvageable there.
From what you've said, there's probably not anything salvageable, so a good-bye (or even a "good-bye for now") talk might be useful.
Either way, if you're feeling up to it, it might be worthwhile to see if he'd really come himself, or if he'd feel like even that is too disrespectful to June's feelings.
IMO, not being able to see him without her is a huge red flag. If I were you, I think I might have said by now "Ethan, I'd really like the two of us to get together and talk. Can we do that?" And see what he says/what happens. Then, depending on how I felt, that might be a good-bye talk, or it might be a talk to see if there is anything salvageable there.
From what you've said, there's probably not anything salvageable, so a good-bye (or even a "good-bye for now") talk might be useful.
Either way, if you're feeling up to it, it might be worthwhile to see if he'd really come himself, or if he'd feel like even that is too disrespectful to June's feelings.
Dagferi
Well-known member
What the deuce is up with that? Sounds like Ethan is only interested in building a harem not a relationship.
I am sorry but every guy my wife has had sex with, he and I get along great. The one we have, we get in trouble for bull shitting and forgetting she is there. As for women, we had one that we both shared, it was great, she would be there every weekend, we basically were husbands and wives, sadly she could not get the monogamy and age thing out. she was 24, Dani was in her 30s and I in my 40s. We did have one that lived with us for a few months, but she wanted me exclusively, she could comprehend how my wife and I talked about everything. But to really make it work, friendship and sexual partners helps.
I can see the rules, ours are men leave when we are done, women can spend the weekend. Her rules not mine. And even at then we need some space together. But that is always going to be up front. All three need to pull together, or 4.
I can see the rules, ours are men leave when we are done, women can spend the weekend. Her rules not mine. And even at then we need some space together. But that is always going to be up front. All three need to pull together, or 4.
Actually, I am starting to wonder just exactly who is the dominant in the Ethan/June duo.
This is couple privilege at its worst. I've never even heard of a case where a poly person could never see their OSO one on one.
So sorry it turned out this way, polypet. But you've seen his true colors now.