Trying

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Nyork1234

New member
This may be long and for that I am sorry. So I have had intimacy issues for a long time, I have very low sex drive, and I guess that spilled over into the simplest form of affection. I stopped kissing, hugging, hand holding. I wasn't really even aware how bad it was. Well Earlier in the week it all came to a head with my husband. It basically came to either Poly or we divorce. I love him to my core and it broke my heart that I had made him feel so neglected and unloved. I promised to change but he isn't having that (I have said it before in regards to sex so he has a hard time believing it. So after a few days of crying and sleeping separate and just over all misery, I decided I would let him do things his way, but still trying to pull him back in, hoping in the end that he didn't feel the need to go outside the marriage. He also bought me a book, but I have little time to read with 2 little ones at home. So now he has someone he might be interested in dating, he hasn't communicated with her, only her husband (at least that is what he tells me) but he says he is thinking about getting her number next week.
I am still not 100% ok with it all, I'm really trying but just typing this up I am sobbing. I can't get passed the idea of him having sex with someone else.
He has told me that Poly is more about finding someone to fill a need that your husband/partner can't fill. So with that thought I was going to try and see about finding someone that can fill a need I am missing, but there is very little I find lacking. Maybe some basic flirty attention would be nice, maybe and emotional long distance connection. BUT I don't want to start that until he starts dating.
I have very little self esteem, which I am working on. I am a big girl, I have had 2 babies that have left there mark on my body. I am currently breastfeeding our 2 month old, so my hormones are a mess, and I can't really diet because it can have a negative effect on my milk supply.
The tears have become fewer but I am still so insecure. Every time he is away from me, I wonder if he is texting, calling her or someone. Last night he went out to the casinos with some guys and was gone all night, I got 0 sleep because all I could do was wait for my phone to BING with a text from him.
Sorry I have rambled on and on here but I told him I would try and so this my way of trying.
Maybe I can find some way to be okay with this all. The thought of losing him kills me.
 
Does your husband help at all with childcare and housework? If you're the one who is left to do it all, no wonder you haven't been in the mood for sex - you need to rest! You sound depressed and it seems he has no compassion for you.

Does he still bother to romance you, get a babysitter and take you out, make you feel cherished?

The thing is, having an initial talk about poly and getting a half-hearted okay from you should not be construed as consent. There is a long way to go before actually acting on it and pursuing other people. Smart couples take a year or two to discuss how they want to go about it, and to get clear and what is okay and not okay, before opening the marriage. To just jump in when you are at wit's end is not very kind of him, although I am sure he feels he is at his breaking point by now. It is never good to suffer in silence - he should've spoken up sooner to see if there was any way he could help you and himself. Now he's just looking for a quick fix because he's had enough.

Do you think he would be willing to go to a therapist with you before starting a new relationship? Would he come here and engage in some conversations about what's been going on between you?
 
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He might be willing to join in on the conversation here.
We have been together for 15 years, this is not a new issue, or even a we have kids now issue, it was before that.
He says that he is grumpy and frustrated from the lack of sex and affection so he comes home and is super distant, he is here but not present.
He has brought up his frustrations before but I don't think I was really hearing him, or taking it to heart how important it was too him.
He doesn't believe I can fix it or change, since this has been a fight for years. He wants to try it his way for once, and I can't blame him.
I might be assuming here but I think he thinks if I don't care about sex and its not important to him, then why do I care if he does it with someone else. And I can't answer that, it just breaks me, I don't know that I will ever get over it if he does. And I don't want that at all, but I don't want him to be unhappy.
 
I also get upset at him being with another women taking away time from our family. He says we will always come first, but what if that starts to slip. He works 60+ hrs a week as it is so our time together is so limited. So even if he only dates one night a month, I will wonder why he doesn't want that one night with us.
 
Nyork1234 said:
So even if he only dates one night a month, I will wonder why he doesn't want that one night with us.
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Well, you shouldn't wonder why - he's already told you. He can no longer stand having a lack of sex, physical affection, and even hand-holding in your marriage anymore. If he comes home from a 60-hour work week and feels like he's only got a platonic roommate who isn't interested in touching him or listening to his concerns, yeah, he's going to want to get what he needs elsewhere. It seems that you have been avoiding some very serious issues. You know what they are, but haven't wanted to hear it.

However, I am saying there should be some middle steps to take between how things are now and his jumping into the sack with someone else. But there has to be a willingness on both sides to discuss and negotiate, and for each of you to ask for what you want.
 
I am seeking help for myself, I asked for time to get myself in order and get back to where we were, but he things that doing both at the same time is best. Which for his happiness it is, I don't deny I am being selfish here, and that he needs this. But my fear is that while I am trying to work on this, and he peruses a relationship it will cause me to build a wall and go backwards in my process. I'm not sure I am even making sense at all. I think maybe I need to tell him I am okay with dating but to please please please wait to have sex, but I don't know that he will be okay with that since that is his issue.
I do have to say today, he has been home with us, and this had made me realize how much I have missed being affectionate as well. I have been so happy, until he brings up the possible date, then I just want to go hide and cry my eyes out.
 
I am coming from a truly fearful place right now, I am afraid if I don't let him try this, I will lose him. And that if I do he will find something better and leave anyway.
 
Acquiescing out of fear is not actually giving your consent. And consent should never be coerced from someone who is terrified and under duress.

You need to be truthful and tell him what you are feeling - everything you've written here in this thread. You can start by saying that you have something important to say and only want him to listen without interrupting or responding right away, and then pour your heart out. And it is okay if you break down, it is okay if he sees how brokenhearted you are about this. You don't have to be strong or generous or anything other than who you are.

You two are never going to get anywhere or find any happiness if the truth is not spoken and some cooperation isn't reached! He is your husband that you've lived with for many years, don't be afraid to speak up.
 
I have never been more open and raw then I have been these last few days. If I could get the sex out of my head I think it would be way easier, looking at as a female friend.
For now he has someone he is thinking about dating but he has not contacted her, she is poly and told her husband that my husband is cute, so she is receptive. He just has to start the dating.
Thank you for your help. Some moments I am more okay with it then others. It comes in waves.
 
I have given him my guidelines and he is okay with those. I am also asking him to read the Pitfalls document that I have.
I did tell him there also may come a point where I may start an online relationship, I crave that type of attention, just to be flirted with, you know? But I'm not there yet. I can't imagine a man really wanting just that type of relationship anyway.
 
Nyork1234 said:
I have very little self esteem, which I am working on. I am a big girl, I have had 2 babies that have left there mark on my body. I am currently breastfeeding our 2 month old, so my hormones are a mess, and I can't really diet because it can have a negative effect on my milk supply.
The tears have become fewer but I am still so insecure. Every time he is away from me, I wonder if he is texting, calling her or someone. Last night he went out to the casinos with some guys and was gone all night, I got 0 sleep because all I could do was wait for my phone to BING with a text from him.
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Hi Nyork1234, there are a lot of things that you have said that concerns me. First of all I am unclear who stopped the affection in your relationship, you or your husband?

I can understand that you have probably had a hard time feeling sexual with two young children at home. Not only are children mood killers (but we love them anyways :) ) but even being pregnant can make you not in the mood. It is a myth that all women are horny when pregnant. Hormones are tricky that way.

I think it is disrespectful of your husband to go out all night whether it be with friends or another woman and not contact you. He has children and a wife at home who are wondering where he is. A simple text in the night is not much to ask!

Clearly your husband is not giving you what you need to help improve your self esteem. Sex drive is often connected to how you feel about yourself. Your husband is not making you feel sexy and desirable. You are not just the mother of his children, you are the woman he fell in love with. You need to learn to love yourself, but you need a husband who tells you the same.

Nyork1234 said:
I have given him my guidelines and he is okay with those. I am also asking him to read the Pitfalls document that I have.
I did tell him there also may come a point where I may start an online relationship, I crave that type of attention, just to be flirted with, you know? But I'm not there yet. I can't imagine a man really wanting just that type of relationship anyway.
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It seems to me like you are really lacking someone who will bring back that spark and make you feel like a woman again. I would not jump into anything you are not ready for and I truly think for your marriage to survive poly you need to seek counselling and fix the marriage first.
 
Hi Nyork1234,

Sounds like things are going pretty badly for you. I am sorry about that. You have plenty of stress just with the two-month-old, you don't need your husband dropping the poly bomb on you as well.

Could the two of you see a poly-friendly counselor? I know you don't have tons of time ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Nyork1234,

Sounds like things are going pretty badly for you. I am sorry about that. You have plenty of stress just with the two-month-old, you don't need your husband dropping the poly bomb on you as well.

Could the two of you see a poly-friendly counselor? I know you don't have tons of time ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Finding a poly counselor would be really hard, we are in a heavy religious area. I did tell him that I think I would have been more open to the idea had it not been this timing. I just had a baby, our oldest just started school, and I'm breastfeeding so hormones and some baby blues are playing a huge factor here. But I really think he was at his breaking point, and he needed to let me know before he just walked away.
I'm stuck on the sex with someone else thing, which seems weird since its such a low priority for me. If I knew with out a doubt that he would not have sex until I was more comfortable and had more time to do my research, I think it could work.
 
He has talked with the husband of some woman he finds attractive.....but not the woman?!?
If that's how it's going, that's kind of gross.
 
Vinccenzo said:
He has talked with the husband of some woman he finds attractive.....but not the woman?!?
If that's how it's going, that's kind of gross.
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The husband and wife came into his work, then after they left the husband sent him a text that his wife thought he was cute and would like to go on a date. Then kind of explained the dynamics of their poly relationship.
 
I am so sorry you deal in this.

He has told me that Poly is more about finding someone to fill a need that your husband/partner can't fill.
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I strongly disagree with this. Poly is not the bandaid to fix something in existing relationship. It will only magnify all the cracks if foundations are not strong. And your foundations here are not strong.

YOU are at work all day long too tending to babies. It's not like he is the only one burnt out and wanting someone to listen to concerns, have fun, etc. You also sound depressed and needing healthcare.

This also is not a new problem, this is an old problem. If you guys are deeply incompatible with sex drives, and you prefer a monogamous relationship? I think it is best to part than try to "force poly." If he's deeply unhappy in this marriage, I think a divorce would be cleaner.

If he's already kind of checked out at home? Him dating other people isn't going to make him more checked in. Him being checked in makes him checked in.

You are giving consent under duress because you fear losing him. That's not giving joyful consent to me. It is not consent at all. It is surrender. You are submitting under duress because you are afraid what will happen if you do not.

Even if he doesn't want to go, I think you could benefit from counseling. It does not have to be "poly counselor" -- it needs to be "help me with depression" counselor. And even if you don't want to think about right now because it is hard? Do it in baby steps. I strongly suggest you talk to your counselor about making sure you are financially protected, have your own job and income, and the children and protected.

If you are not willing to part ways at this time? Then part of your agreeing to him "doing poly his way" could be having all the divorce paperwork signed and ready to go, and money in an account in your name only so you can move out swiftly if the shit does hit the fan. You don't want to be sorting that stuff out while taking care of babies and seeking a job AND being in break up emotional storm. If it is never needed and it works out after all -- great. If it IS.... less load to bear.

YOU are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. If you are going into this blind relying on his kindness and compassion to see you through if it ends up in a split... he's not being very compassionate right now while you struggle with depression. I would vote no confidence on his ability to be compassionate toward you later when the pressure ramps up.

I am very concerned for you well being. :(

Again, I am so sorry you deal in this.

Galagirl
 
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I'm also sorry things are going badly for you. For me, there are several red flags here. Red flag number one. You were completely blindsided by how unaffectionate your relationship is getting, and you've said you'd like to change that. It seems like poly was his first solution instead of working on your relationship. Adding more people to a struggling relationship is not a good idea.

Red flag number two. I think there are two ways to do poly as a way to shore up deficiencies in an existing relationship. If you're asexual and he has a high sex drive, poly may be a way for him to fill in the gaps. However, poly can also be a way to avoid dealing with problems that exist in a present relationship. It sounds like he is looking at polyamory in the second sense. Instead of working on the lack of affection in your relationship, he has decided to get his affection somewhere else (regardless of what you want, and whether it actually could be met in your relationship if you're trying). It sounds like he's running away from your relationship's problems, and that's not a good sign to me.

Red flag number three. You seem to have a lot of insecurities. I don't hear that he's doing anything to reassure you. If this is going to be successful and not just a constant stressor for you, you're going to need reassurances. Hell, I'm pretty damn confident generally and I've needed lots of reassurances.

Red flag number four. Related to red flag number three. He's plowing full steam ahead regardless of your feelings. It sounds like he's told you that this is how it's going to be and you just need to accept it. Instead of being there to work with you on your issues, he's chasing the exciting new shiny. That's not the way to you treat someone that you love, even if you are very frustrated.

If I was in your position, here is what I would do to try polyamory. I would figure out what you are okay and not okay with and lay out some very clear boundaries. If you aren't okay with him having sex with another woman right now, at this time, make sure he knows that any sex that he has with another woman will be cheating. Tell him this isn't an always and forever rule, and that you can talk about it later when you're less shocked and more comfortable, but that you aren't sure whether you'll ever be okay with it (if that's the truth).

If you also aren't getting what you need out of your relationship, let him know that as well. You need to see him one night a week? You want to hire a sitter twice a month and go out on dates? You want advance notice before he goes on a date or sleeps over with someone? Tell him all that. And if he's not willing to help you while you're struggling with this, you have an answer about how much he really cares about you, and you can decide what to do from there. And I don't mean this in the sense of saying to him, 'do this or I won't let you,' but more in the sense of saying that you ALSO have certain needs to be met.

Finally, even if you've told him that you're trying, you can revoke your consent at any time. You don't have to stay in this relationship model if you don't want to. Polyamory doesn't work for everyone. But you also can't make him not do polyamory if that's what he wants to do. You might decide that you need monogamy, and he might decide that what he needs is to date someone else. It's then on YOU to value yourself and your needs enough to decide not to stay in the relationship.

Wishing you good luck.
 
Re (from Nyork1234):
"If I knew without a doubt that he would not have sex until I was more comfortable and had more time to do my research, I think it could work."
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You should say that to him (if you haven't already).

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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