So, I've spent this week catching up. It was like reading a novel.
there is a lot of it!
2) You've had sexual disconnects with Prof on and off all along and tend to catastrophize it.
Yes, true. He talks about so much of the time and portrays himself as constantly ready for action. When we were on the Eurotrip he said I was the only he had ever had who wanted sex twice a day. There have been days where I had sex with 3 different partners in one day. There is a disconnect, he talks about it and I want to do it.
With the amount he is travelling, we have sex twice a week on average, so when we do I want it to be a full on session. I am prepared to put the effort in with lingerie, make-up etc and it is so disappointing when he says he is tired or had enough. So I really do feel let down and disappointed.
Face it, many couples are mismatched in the libido. Considering his age and his poly nature, occasional ED is to be expected, if not enjoyed
My logic here is...if you can't keep it up then fix it and stop talking about sex so much. He has been on ED treatment for years, long before I met him. I do think he can fix some of it. Work less, travel less, exercise more, cut down the alcohol, have fewer other partners.
so I make up the difference with other lovers. One of the benefits of being poly.)
I don't have enough free nights to have a second relationship, not really. Big problem both with Kip and Jay and was they are happy to have sex but not go do things together. I find the fun flirting and building of excitement to be such a delicious part of foreplay. I suppose they were not into me enough to put in the effort, but they both said my schedule is hard to work with I can't offer more time unless I cut back with Prof. Who wants a Wednesday night anyway?
3) You and Prof have shared so much over these past 2+ years. All the traveling, the camping, the concerts, the scooters, him being a good friend to your kids, the geeky Star Trek cosplay, the nice romantic meals and hotel sex, the real estate negotiations to get you into a bigger safer house. All good stuff.
He is very good to me and the kids. I have no idea how I would ever find someone to do so much silly stuff and travel with me. He says the same thing. I should be more than content, but I want more sex Waaaaaaah.
4) You have very different agendas about communicating around other partners. This is a big disconnect, and Prof seems extremely frustrated.
He is and I am. I remember way back in the beginning, him asking for information and me not wanting to give it.
One big factor in how I choose partners based on their unavailability. I do it so they won't interfere with how I do things too much. Prof was in a PRIMARY relationship , (caps for emphasis) and I wasn't even
secondary. one girl among many so I could ignore his requests because...I could! If you don't give me A,B,C cause of your rules then I don't have to give you anything I don't want to either
That does NOT excuse the slap or the gaslighting attempts around you having had expressed your boundaries. Can you forgive him and move on, dignity intact?Or is this a deal breaker? Will this disconnect ever become less volatile?
I don't know. I really don't know. I thought the week we had before he left was great, he describes it as a "rocky start." It will be a long time before I do BD play with him again. He will expect a chat and a contract and all good. I am in no rush, contract or no, to put myself in a vulnerable position again. Kinky play, sure but power exchange no. My guess is he won't like that, will expect me to forget and move on. I can understand the frustration behind the slap, but I may possibly be done with that with him. But I like BD play. So do I want to give my free time to a partner that I won't play with anymore?
Jay said I have a mind like a steel trap after meeting only a few times, I am pretty quick. Prof is way out there on the IQ chart and has the ego to match. He expresses his annoyance by making snarky comments off topic and gas lighting, he works on the assumption that I will get discombobulated with the insults ( it has worked on a number of occasions) and then deny the conversation ever happened. I have had enough of this. I am getting blunter and plainer in my speech, I get to the point quickly, but not hurtful or mean. I will do what I say to the best of my ability so I am sick of the blah blah blah and no actual change and I DO remember what he said. I am not lacking in the recall department and he needs to stop treating me like I am.
So communication problem again.
5) Prof lost his girlfriend, much too young, to a tragic disease. This has surely deeply affected him and how he dates. Could be he threw himself into you right after her passing as a way of healing and finding comfort.
I don't know. There were other GFs he had been seeing a lot longer than me at the time Ms Text passed. Ms Bike, Ms Admin, Ms White Pickett, Ms Car, ( the more I think the more names pop up )Ms Bass, and at least one that he saw/sees only a few times a year. He dropped a few because they were looking for promotion to #1 spot ( and he has picked up and dropped off with them all since ) I did chronicle my conversations that I had with him at the time. My attitude was that I want to keep the Weds nights and if he wants to start the rules thing with a new #1 then I am out of it. He bought the camper van maybe around 2 months after she died. He said she would never go camping. She refused to get a permit to learn how to ride a scooter, refused to drive a car, he had to drive everywhere. If you are looking for emotional support I am not really the right person, but for a person to do practical stuff with then I am good
I think there were/are a number of more willing emotional support GFs around. But I do care, in my own defense, I do care.
I don't know how much her death would impact or influence our current situation. It would not be hard for him to ease back on seeing me and see someone else more.
Now you seem to feel a bit stifled, whereas he is on that relationship escalator, wanting more and more of you.
We both agree we can not live together, certainly not at this point and it more than a decade until I have some hope of being an empty nester. I would like to see him more. With all his travelling we have lost the odd early week tv and hold hands night. But, when we are apart I want to do my own thing in my own way. I don't want to discuss who I am fucking, and I don't really care who he is. It is none of his business what I do in my time and I don't quiz him about his. I do like electronic communication and chat but I rarely/never ask "where are you?" or "what are you doing?"
6) You are a very busy woman, with a killer work schedule, a Masters degree in process, 2 young children, a ridiculously lame ex h, usually 2 or 3 lovers, attention to exercise... I am sure you get overwhelmed sometimes and lose sight of the big picture.
I finished my Master's
but started another 2 years of classes
I think you are right in that my free time is so precious that I want it to be used to the max. I am not an easily overwhelmed person unless it is the start of my period, then the world is crashing to an end. but mostly I keep on trucking. My attitude is I have no one else to do it, so better get on with it. I do sleep at lot, but always have, I used to come home from school for lunch and nap.
If you do not break up with Prof, where would you like to see this going?
Mostly staying the same, but not sure if it can. I like Weds nights and travelling, hotel sex, staying up past 8:30pm a couple of times a week. kinky sex. BDSM bridge might be burned.
What are your long term goals and desires and needs?
I would like someone to ask me to marry them because they love me and not because they realize they don't have a pension. I would like to live in very close proximity to someone, but have our own homes. I want my kids to be healthy, curious and mostly happy. I want lots of sex, I want to say "Not tonight dear, I have had enough for a day or 2."
Is he part of what looks like a happy, delicious future, or is his desire to be closer to you too much?
I don't see that he wants to be closer. He says he doesn't want the same level of relationship with other GFs , he says he sees me as long term, he tells me to schedule a holiday for next summer because I don't believe any of the other stuff. I sent him a picture of the 4 of us camping and he says he only has a few pictures of us all together. But I can't align this with the man of 2 pages of rules. I started dating him because he was unavailable. I hear the words of future and together but I can't make them my new reality. WE STARTED WITH RULES! So much simpler, I may not have liked them but it was clear.
Are you feeling TOO stifled? Is there any way you can keep having the me-time an introvert needs, and still be in relationship with Prof?
