I've been having relationship issues after my gf came out poly to me

[Ihavequestions]

Thank for explaining it from a different perspective. I really can appreciate that. And I'm starting to see her pull similar behaviors. I just found out he asked her to be his girlfriend on Halloween. Weeks after the fact. And I'm pissed she didn't tell me. Not even upset about the fact that they're together; me coming to terms with things during the time I need means that would have happened already. But now I'm starting to feel like she's hiding things.

It's really crappy, to be honest, I'm constantly feeling like she's not going to give me the time needed even if she says she is. It's coming to a point, and I'm not exactly looking forward to it. I seriously have a lot to contemplate right now.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think taking time to think is a good idea.

• Do you feel solid in this relationship? Or unstable and rocky?
  
• Do you feel safe in this relationship and treated well? Or belittled and treated poorly?
  
• Can you trust her? Is she honest and forthright? Or evasive and unclear?
  
• Does she respect you and your boundaries? Or not so much?
  
• Are you able to be yourself freely here or are you often guarded and walking on eggshells?

Galagirl

 

[Ihavequestions]

I want to thank everyone on here who gave sound advice. You're all amazing people, and you have great lessons to give. Great words to say. And great help to give.

Things aren't going to work out with me and my girlfriend. We've come to that point, and its time for change in our lives.

I really appreciate all of you, and this hasn't left me feeling resentful or hateful of the way you guys live your lives. It's just been a poor experience on the relationship standpoint.

I really want to thank all of you for the effort you took to respond to me. Thank you so much.

 

[kdt26417]

Sorry to hear about the breakup.

 

[GalaGirl]

While no break up is fun, I think it was the best call under the circumstances. Hopefully in time you both heal and can seek more compatible partners in future.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[Savant]

While it's unfortunate that you have to part ways with your girlfriend, the reality is that your girlfriend has no respect for you or your feelings. She wants what she wants, and let nothing stand in her way. To be honest, I don't think things would have lasted, regardless of what happened. Sooner or later she would have attempted to force poly on you, or she just flat-out would have cheated on you. Impatience and polyamory do NOT mix well. She will learn this in due time. I think she's so taken in by her newfound 'power' over men that she doesn't realize that it takes more patience, not less, to make these kinds of relationships work.

The 'problem' with poly (only if you are a man) is that it is infinitely more easy for a woman that is poly to gain partners than it is for a man. So while it can be very liberating for a woman new to poly to be able to have almost any man she wants, a guy in the same situation finds that most women aren't all that friendly to the idea of dating a guy who is sleeping with other women. Men on the other hand aren't nearly as repelled by the prospect of meeting a woman that is 'sexually liberated'. (Although, as they soon find out, it's not as simple as it seems.) Alternately, women sometimes find that while it may be easy to find men who are willing to engage in sexual relationships, it's not so easy to find men who will enter into an emotional (poly) relationship.

However, while this is not a criticism of you, I also think you need to recognize that your 'perception' of poly (vis-à-vis your feelings about her being bisexual and such) lured you into a false sense of security. Let's be honest here, what guy has seen some kind of 'porn threesome' and hasn't wished that they could experience it? There was a Seinfeld episode where they (aptly) referred to it as the 'holy grail'. I don't think there is a mono guy alive who wouldn't get caught in the same trap.

It's easy to get blindsided by erotic ideas, since those ideas are coming from *within* us, not from within her. So when she has different ideas of what she wants out of poly, you find yourself completely unprepared and out of your element. All of a sudden you go from thinking about her getting a girlfriend and it potentially turning into a threesome, to her talking about having sex with other guys. That's another 'problem' with poly; you can't close the door once you open it. Saying to a woman partner, "poly, but only with other women," smacks of misogyny. It's fair if a woman partner makes the proposal that she is only interested in other women--and would never expand it to include other men--but that tends not to be the case.

In the end, sooner or later you would have been forced down this road. I think you should be grateful that it happened sooner, since it won't be as hard for you to get over it and move on. Imagine if this had happened five years later. You would be in a lot deeper (emotionally) and it would be exponentially harder for you to deal with this. I think you dodged a bullet. The forum is peppered with posts from married couples that are a decade or more into their marriage and facing the same thing.

At least you have a better idea of what you want out of a relationship. Perhaps poly is something that may not be for you.

 

[kdt26417]

Sorry to spoil the party, but an MFF threesome (with the girl-on-girl action) just isn't something that interests me.

 

[CTF]

However, while this is not a criticism of you, I also think you need to recognize that your 'perception' of poly (vis-à-vis your feelings about her being bisexual and such) lured you into a false sense of security. Let's be honest here, what guy has seen some kind of 'porn threesome' and hasn't wished that they could experience it? There was a Seinfeld episode where they (aptly) referred to it as the 'holy grail'. I don't think there is a mono guy alive who wouldn't get caught in the same trap.

It's easy to get blindsided by erotic ideas, since those ideas are coming from *within* us, not from within her. So when she has different ideas of what she wants out of poly, you find yourself completely unprepared and out of your element. All of a sudden you go from thinking about her getting a girlfriend and it potentially turning into a threesome, to her talking about having sex with other guys. That's another 'problem' with poly; you can't close the door once you open it. Saying to a woman partner, "poly, but only with other women," smacks of misogyny. It's fair if a woman partner makes the proposal that she is only interested in other women--and would never expand it to include other men--but that tends not to be the case.

In the end, sooner or later you would have been forced down this road. I think you should be grateful that it happened sooner, since it won't be as hard for you to get over it and move on. Imagine if this had happened five years later. You would be in a lot deeper (emotionally) and it would be exponentially harder for you to deal with this. I think you dodged a bullet. The forum is peppered with posts from married couples that are a decade or more into their marriage and facing the same thing.

At least you have a better idea of what you want out of a relationship. Perhaps poly is something that may not be for you.

It's funny you mention that, because that was precisely the angle used on me in order to try & get me to accept my wife's new found poly status. I won't bore you with the details of my back story, you can look it up if you want, but my wife had revealed her bisexuality to me long before we were married. So that was never an issue with me. Not be cause of the girl on girl factor, but because it was revealed so early in our relationship, that there wasn't the same shock after 16+ years of marriage like there was with poly. Plus, she wasn't dating any women at the time, and had no desire to as long as we were together.

However, she brought up the bisexuality again, at the same time she dropped the poly bomb. Claiming to have specific guys and girls in mind that she was interested in. The more upset I got about the poly, the more it seemed to be downplayed into her really only have an interest in one in particular, and apparently, I was supposed to be thrilled that it was a woman. Struggling to deal with this new found status, I had spoken to several people. Including a few of her friends. I heard all of the same old "Dude... two women!" and "maybe once you see your wife making out with another chick, you'll change your mind".

I know that the cliche seems to be that it's "every guy's fantasy"... In reality. it isn't. My response to not only her friends, but my wife as well was: "Do you really think that I'm that shallow?" I completely agree with you, when you say that it reeks of misogyny to be alright with allowing a wife/girlfriend to sleep with another woman, and not a man... But frankly, I find it equally insulting to think that every husband/boyfriend should be more accepting when she solicits the idea. My opposition to opening our marriage is not about whether it's with a male or a female, but rather, due to the suggestion of sleeping with anyone but each other period.

I think what most men who do find that double standard ok, I think they do so under the presumption that they will also be allowed to participate. Do they consider the fact option that many people who seek additional partners are not looking for more than one partner in the bed at the same time? They don't always go hand in hand. I'd be willing to bet that if these same men who claim to be ok with it, were stressed to that they could not be involved, or present in any way shape or form, then they would probably be much less willing to consent to their wives/girlfriends sleeping with another woman.

 

[CTF]

Sorry to spoil the party, but an MFF threesome (with the girl-on-girl action) just isn't something that interests me.

Nor does it interest me. Frankly, I find it insulting to assume that just because we're guys, that we all have that fantasy.

 

[Savant]

Frankly, I find it insulting to assume that just because we're guys, that we all have that fantasy.

I feel the same way.

I should clarify my remarks a bit. When I spoke about the 'threesome' thing, I wasn't suggesting that it *was* every guy's fantasy, but that it is *expected to be* every guy's fantasy. Another example would be if a guy gets drunk and a good-looking woman has sex with him, without his consent. How many guys would call that 'rape' and how many would say that he 'got lucky'? There is the societal stereotypical presumption that since guys like sex, they should automatically find such an event a positive thing.

Women prey on these stereotypes as well. I think it is not at all a coincidence for a woman (wife/partner) to approach her significant other and offer 'bisexual' as a means to 'soften him up'. Let's be honest here, it's infinitely less threatening for a man to hear his wife is interested in another woman, and not another man--even if she is interested in BOTH. It's unlikely she would ever admit that to him upfront, and instead just mention her desire for women. She knows that if she mentions a desire for other men to her partner that it would be a non-starter for almost every man.

No matter how you slice it, the real issue here is that when a monogamous couple get married, they are making a joint commitment to maintain a monogamous relationship. Just making a "I'm bisexual" declaration is not a defacto agreement that should require a male partner to try poly at some point. Either the couple marries as a monogamous couple, or they do not. Whether or not there are extra partners *at that time* is irrelevent. Either they made a monogamous commitment to one another, or they did not. If they did make a monogamous commitment to one another, that takes precedence over either partner's subsequent desire to 'go poly' later in the relationship.

However, it doesn't matter if it is a man or a woman that drops the poly 'bomb', the reality is that it is categorically unfair to their partner to do so. Why? Because the expectation is that if their partner "really loves them" that they will give it a 'try'. In reality they are asking their partner to 'buy'. As I noted above, once the poly door is open, you can't close it again. The double-standard comes slamming down, and it's a no-win scenario for the partner being asked to 'try'.

If the partner agrees to 'try' poly, and they don't like it, then they are supposedly 'being selfish' if they want to remain monogamous. Despite the fact that they BOTH agreed to a monogamous marriage, the fact that the dissenting partner wants to keep it that way is supposedly 'mean' and is "taking away their partner's freedom." If the dissenting partner is unfortunate enough to be a man, he automatically becomes a misogynist for wanting to keep the marriage the way it is. It was never 'try'. If it was 'try', the partner would respect if he is unable to go down that road. Instead, he is branded as trying to 'control her life', despite the fact that he never signed up for this when he got married.

Alternately, if the partner outright refuses to try poly, then they are decried as not respecting their partner's feelings and desires. Again we have the, "if you really loved me you would try" manipulation, which selfishly attempts to leverage and hold hostage their partner's love for the sake of a personal desire.

My position is that if the one who has poly desires "really loved their partner", then they would accept that they made a commitment to their partner, and that they can't always get what they want in life. Or, if their desire for poly is stronger than their love for their partner, they should end the relationship outright. If they knew their partner at all, they would know--without asking--whether they would be receptive to such an idea. If that is something that a person doesn't know about their partner, then perhaps they are in a superficial relationship. It should *not* be a surprise how a partner answers. They should have a very good idea how the partner will answer before they even ask.

'Asking' puts the partner in an emotional and mentally destructive dilemma, since there is no way out. No matter which way they go, they are the one made to look bad. Yet they weren't the one that brought up poly in the first place. They are being emotionally victimized by their partner.

I wonder what someone would say if their partner asked them to quit their job, leave their family, and move across the country because their significant other suddenly had a hankering to take a job there. That's a tall order and it is asking a LOT of a partner to make that kind of sacrifice and change to their life. It's no different to ask a partner to go poly. It's asking them to make a sacrifice and turning their life upside down. They should be able to say 'no' and not made to feel guilty about honoring the commitment they made when they got married.

In my opinion, asking a partner to 'try poly' is nothing more than an attempt to snare their partner in a Chinese finger trap.

 

[Leetah]

This is being written quite late at night so I hope it does not ramble too much.

I don't know that most people know how their monogamous partner will react to the idea of polyamory. Any number of people here have been surprised one way or another. It is not exactly something that a traditionally monogamous person considers for even a moment. I know I did not and was surprised by my husband's basically positive attitude. We have been together decades through thick and thin so I don't think we have a superficial relationship.

I would basically agree that if someone is going to take a vow of monogamy then they should know that they can be bisexual or polyamorous but have promised not to act on it. I was in a terrible state when I found I loved someone as well as my husband and assumed I could do nothing about it aside from bringing pain to one of them. Even after my husband saw me suffering and said "Go ahead" it took some time to allow myself to acknowledge my feelings to my SO as it was hard to get my mind around the whole thing.

BUT if a person made a vow and has either changed through life, or after years of denying part of themselves has found that they cannot continue, it seems horrible to insist on their either not approaching their spouse, or if their spouse cannot handle the change, insist they must return to the previous status quo. Divorce laws have been liberalized for a reason. People locked for decades in marriages that were dissatisfactory, with no exit short of death, used to be a more common thing.

You are right perhaps, that the person who wants a change should be the mover in ending the relationship but when there is still love between the spouses it is hard for either one to take the initiative.

I suspect, if you read carefully, it is not the spouse who gives it thought and honestly states that they do not want the polyamorous relationship style who is condemned for violating their spouse's autonomy and freedom. It seems to me that it is the one who uses abusive or coercive tactics to force their spouse into polyamory or back into monogamy who is said, at least on this forum, to be behaving badly.

Leetah

 

[KC43]

The polyamorous partner isn't even always the one to suggest having other partners. In my case, it was my monogamous husband's idea to have other sexual partners--and he knew full well that all of my partners would be male, because I'm straight, and realized within the first month that he had no interest in having any other partners himself. When I fell in love with one of my other partners, I admitted it to Hubby immediately, but I didn't ask for his agreement to me having a relationship with that guy. I told Hubby I was going to end all contact with the other guy. *Hubby* was the one who said, "No, I don't want you to end contact with him, I'm okay with you being in a relationship with him."

And yet I've been accused of manipulating and bullying Hubby into opening the marriage sexually and then relationship-wise, and I've been accused of being unfair because Hubby doesn't have other partners. Even when those people are told that it was all Hubby's idea and he doesn't *want* other partners, they insist it's my "fault" and that I "made Hubby do it."

So not only do people not always know how a monogamous partner will react to a polyamorous partner negotiating to be able to live polyamorously, people on the outside of the situation don't always know which partner actually suggested the arrangement in the first place.

 

[PinkPig]

I wonder what someone would say if their partner asked them to quit their job, leave their family, and move across the country because their significant other suddenly had a hankering to take a job there. That's a tall order and it is asking a LOT of a partner to make that kind of sacrifice and change to their life. It's no different to ask a partner to go poly. It's asking them to make a sacrifice and turning their life upside down. They should be able to say 'no' and not made to feel guilty about honoring the commitment they made when they got married.

In my opinion, asking a partner to 'try poly' is nothing more than an attempt to snare their partner in a Chinese finger trap.

Savant, people do get asked to make major life changes for their spouse, all the time. Non-monogamy didn't come up in my marriage...we were mono. But my ex did spring the exact scenario you mentioned above on me.

Imo, it's a given in a long-term relationship lasting decades, that you and your partner will change, grow, and discover new things about yourselves. Sometimes, we grow in similar ways, sometimes not. Sometimes the revelations make it impossible to stay together, other times they bring us closer together. Any relationship where my partner doesn't feel safe enough to bring those revelations to me and I don't feel safe enough to bring them to my partner, is not a relationship I wish to be in. Flexibility and the ability to compromise within the relationship are vital to its success imo. (Note: I'm not saying that I'll agree to whatever change my partner wishes to make, just that I'll listen, without judgement or taking it as a personal attack.) I think it's just as important to make the commitment to your partner that you'll amicably split if it's the right thing, as it is to promise to do the work to help the relationship survive.

Not that it matters, but I made the move with my ex, all those years ago. We were together another 15 yrs after the move. It was a good growth opportunity that I don't regret

 

[Savant]

Savant, people do get asked to make major life changes for their spouse, all the time.

Oh I totally agree with you here. I don't disagree in the slightest. My point is that--most times--those changes are viewed through a lens that respects how huge a change it is for their spouse. All too often I see mono people post who have been approached about this "major life change" in a way that made it seem like it should be no big deal to them. "It's just poly". The problem is that the poly person doesn't see a problem with poly, so they often can't see why the mono person is making such a big deal about it.

However, people who are asked to make 'major life changes' (not poly related) for their spouse are not typically made to be the 'bad guy' if they refuse.

 

[Savant]

I don't know that most people know how their monogamous partner will react to the idea of polyamory. Any number of people here have been surprised one way or another.

If that is the case, then it is possible that the mono partner may not be very 'open'. In which case, that will likely have had an impact on the relationship already.

However, ask yourself... When you were going to ask your partner, did you not have any idea how he would react? Did you not expect that he would say no, and you had some remarks prepared for that possibility--because it was what you expected? You said you were surprised, which says you had an expectation of some sort.

A poll this past summer found that only 25% of people feel that polyamory is "morally acceptable". (reference: YouGov, July 28-30, 2015, MOE +/- 4.4%) That number is even lower if the person is 'religious'. (IE, that religion is 'important' to them, not simply that they identify with a religion) In people whom religion is 'somewhat important' or 'very important' to them, the numbers drop to 18% and 9% respectively.

My point is not to judge polyamory or those who are polyamorous, but to show that this is something that I don't think should come as a big surprise to poly people, and that the answer they are most likely to get from a mono person is 'no'.

BUT if a person made a vow and has either changed through life, or after years of denying part of themselves has found that they cannot continue, it seems horrible to insist on their either not approaching their spouse, or if their spouse cannot handle the change, insist they must return to the previous status quo.

But this is the problem... There is no "previous status quo" since poly never *became* a status quo in the relationship. Giving it a 'try' is not a defacto acceptance of poly as the new status quo in the relationship. Mono remains the status quo until and unless both partners freely, fully, and openly embrace poly as the new 'standard' for their relationship. 'Try' is not a change in status quo. If the mono spouse can't handle poly--after they 'try' it--they should be able to ask for, and get, a return to monogamy without any questions. (At which point the poly person needs to decide what matters to them more, their marriage or poly.) Instead the mono partner often gets emotionally blackmailed where the poly partner leverages 'love' to force a round peg into a square hole.

Most mono partners, who aren't poly inclined, are forced into 'trying' poly because they perceive that their partner will leave them if they don't agree. How can anyone expect a person to make a rational, intelligent, and informed decision when they are under that kind of pressure? Any decision to 'try' poly is made under duress and in many cases leads to a mono partner who resents being forced down this road. All too often we read threads where the marriage ends because the mono partner just can't take it anymore. They think they can 'suffer and endure' this change, when in reality they can't. But they do it for love. In the end, they make a decision that makes them miserable.

You are right perhaps, that the person who wants a change should be the mover in ending the relationship but when there is still love between the spouses it is hard for either one to take the initiative.

Oh I totally agree here, and I empathize with you in regard to you having a 'revelation' that could potentially end your marriage. You didn't ask to be/become that way, so you're put in a tough position too. But you made a commitment. The question then becomes, how much do you value your commitment and--by extension--your spouse's feelings, vis-à-vis your poly feelings? That's the big question to be asked by someone considering approaching their mono spouse.

I suspect, if you read carefully, it is not the spouse who gives it thought and honestly states that they do not want the polyamorous relationship style who is condemned for violating their spouse's autonomy and freedom. It seems to me that it is the one who uses abusive or coercive tactics to force their spouse into polyamory or back into monogamy who is said, at least on this forum, to be behaving badly.

But that was kind of my point. If a monogamous partner agrees to 'try', there is no going back. As such, there is no 'try'. In reality, 'try' is a 'lie'.

If the mono person gives it a 'try' and they don't like it; can they go back? No. If they say they want to abide by their monogamous marriage commitment and expect their partner to do the same, they are considered to be 'bad' for insisting on that. What happened to 'try'? If it was really try, the mono partner should be able to say "I can't do this" and the other partner accepts it. Instead, the poly partner pushes back against the mono partner's decision, which puts the mono partner on the offensive. I've seen so many threads with that theme.

Now I'm not saying it is a bad thing to simply 'discuss the concept' with a partner. When I say 'discuss', I mean in an open and non-confrontational way that does NOT involve asking them to 'try' it or such. But that doesn't usually happen. I see post after post where someone comes on here after their poly partner 'drops the bomb' and says that they are in love with someone else.

Then the poly partner gets upset when their mono partner becomes obstinate about refusing to give it a 'try' and/or wanting to stick with the commitment they made when they got married. The mono partner is not the one wanting the change here. They just want the commitment the two of them agreed to in the marriage. I see far more threads here started by mono people having trouble with 'trying' poly than I see threads started by poly people worried about what their mono partner will say if they ask them to try poly.

 

[Leetah]

However, ask yourself... When you were going to ask your partner, did you not have any idea how he would react? Did you not expect that he would say no, and you had some remarks prepared for that possibility--because it was what you expected? You said you were surprised, which says you had an expectation of some sort.

I agree with you about people's approach in the many cases where a spouse comes to their partner saying "This is how I am, can we try to accommodate this need/desire I have?" I just want to note (I am perhaps being too defensive here), that that was not my position. My husband was more aware of my developing feelings than I was. Since such a thing as me, of all people, falling in love with someone as well as him was impossible I never approached him asking for anything. I was simply telling him how upset I was that my dear friend, who my husband and I were aware had fallen in love with me, had finally stated his feelings clearly enough that I could no longer pretend I did not know. My husband was the one who pointed out that I was in love and I should go ahead and allow myself to be so. Even then I could not believe it for some weeks.

But this is the problem... There is no "previous status quo" since poly never *became* a status quo in the relationship. Giving it a 'try' is not a defacto acceptance of poly as the new status quo in the relationship. Mono remains the status quo until and unless both partners freely, fully, and openly embrace poly as the new 'standard' for their relationship. 'Try' is not a change in status quo. If the mono spouse can't handle poly--after they 'try' it--they should be able to ask for, and get, a return to monogamy without any questions. (At which point the poly person needs to decide what matters to them more, their marriage or poly.) Instead the mono partner often gets emotionally blackmailed where the poly partner leverages 'love' to force a round peg into a square hole.

Yes, I guess the question often is what is the definition of "Try" (what is the definition of "is"?). If one spouse says 'Let's try living somewhere else" and they put stuff in storage, take a short term rental in the new area, and look about making the acquaintance of a few people there, and one of the partners says "No this is decidedly not somewhere I can be happy living", that is one thing. If one spouse finds a job and friends they love, adores the climate and amenities of their new area, but their partner suddenly announces they must throw it all away and move back home, that is a different thing. Then it is understandable that the spouse who loves their new home should try to convince the person they love to remain and may feel resentful if their partner can't come to any kind of compromise.

Somewhere along the line the point has been passed where one person is just "trying it out". Communication has failed either in the beginning when the experiment was set up, or when their opinions were solidifying, and now both partners are hurt by the other's attitude.

It is not that either of them is wrong in their feelings. If one spouse never wants to see a snowflake closer than on TV again and they other spouse longs to look out their window and see a blanket of white, they have a problem.

As I mentioned in the thread on "consent" part of the problem is the evolving nature of love and marriage in Western society. Love, especially romantic love, has become central to people's lives, and that kind of love can be very hard to sustain in the same form for 60 odd years. This is partly why traditional marriage vows and even legal marriage itself, are not as universal as they once were. People see them as impediments to life satisfaction rather than assurances of it. It seems like just as adult Westerners have largely abandoned their traditional duty to honor and obey the dictates of family elders, they are abandoning the traditional interpretation of the marriage relationship. Unfortunately they have not always abandoned the traditional vows. Couples, married or not, who love each other but find themselves moving in different directions almost always have a tug of war trying to get the other to accompany them. Having entered into traditional vows perhaps makes the tug of war more vehement.

Saying one or the other is unjust in their desire to keep the relationship because they still love one another while wanting also to shape their future to their satisfaction is unsympathetic to their dilemma whose origins are in the changing attitudes of society that allow for such "trying" of new things in the first place.

I think I have rambled again. Oh well.

Leetah

 

[JaneQSmythe]

... I see far more threads here started by mono people having trouble with 'trying' poly than I see threads started by poly people worried about what their mono partner will say if they ask them to try poly.

This seems to come in waves, honestly. There are times when it seems that every other thread is - "I'm having these thoughts, how to I approach my spouse/SO about the very idea..."

 

[Savant]

I think I have rambled again. Oh well.

Hey, I'm just as guilty of that, if not more so!

Yes, I guess the question often is what is the definition of "Try" (what is the definition of "is"?). If one spouse says 'Let's try living somewhere else" and they put stuff in storage, take a short term rental in the new area, and look about making the acquaintance of a few people there, and one of the partners says "No this is decidedly not somewhere I can be happy living", that is one thing. If one spouse finds a job and friends they love, adores the climate and amenities of their new area, but their partner suddenly announces they must throw it all away and move back home, that is a different thing. Then it is understandable that the spouse who loves their new home should try to convince the person they love to remain and may feel resentful if their partner can't come to any kind of compromise.

Ahhh, but there is an important step missing here... Time. 'Try' is a 'trial period'. A set amount of time in which a person is given to assess whether they 'want to buy something'. In your example, what's missing is that there should be a limit placed on the trial. That can be however many weeks/months as they feel is appropriate. Then, at that point, they can sit down and find out if the person who 'tried' it is willing to 'buy' it. That conversation needs to happen, or the trial period never ends, and it becomes that much more difficult if the one partner wants out at a 'late stage' in the game. If the person who 'tried' it, agrees to 'buy' it, they are bound by that choice. They can't turn around and say 'they changed their mind'. If they have difficulty after the point at which they 'bought in', it's something they will have to work on, but the trial period is over. There is no more 'undo'.

The bigger issue in poly is that 'try' is an illusion. There is no 'try'. Let me use a basic example... Let's say we have Bill and Sue in a marriage, and Sue finds herself 'smitten' with a friend named John that she has known for a while. She proposes poly to Bill, and asks that he give it a 'try' for a month. The idea being that if he tries it and can't handle it, Bill assumes they will maintain their monogamous marriage.

Sue is thrilled, and starts dating John. A week later she realizes that she's in love with John, and he's in love with her. At the end of the month, Sue and John are madly in love with NRE coming out of their pores. Then Bill comes along and says that he's 'tried' it, and he doesn't like it. He wants to stick with monogamy.

What possible 'good' end can come of this? If Sue doesn't want to give up on John, what then? She agreed to a 'trial', and the trial is over. It will break her heart to end things with John, and she may end up resenting Bill for it. Meanwhile, Bill had the honest belief that this was a 'trial' and that it could be 'undone' if he wasn't able to handle it. Now he has Sue begging him to reconsider, telling him how much he is hurting her by *forcing* her to end things with John. When in fact she agreed to the 'trial' just as much as he did. While she would have been quite happy to accept if Bill was OK with everything, she's markedly less willing to accept the opposite.

So there is no 'try'. The suggestion of 'try' is simply a tool to manipulate their partner into letting them get their foot in the poly door. Once it's in there, it's not coming back out again. In the example, Sue won't want to give up what she has gained. The instant Bill agreed to 'try', he actually agreed to 'buy'.

He just didn't know it.

 

[Leetah]

"There is no try. There is only do, or do not" -noted martial arts trainer

 

[Leetah]

Yes, I agree that "trying" polyamory may be the wrong way to term it. One cannot reasonably say "I will try loving someone but agree to stop if someone else asks me not to love them any more". I think it is a case of hope and perhaps naivete causing both members of the couple to refer to it as "trying". I do not think it is often a case of emotional manipulation or coercion. So many different factors could go into the the decision to try and also the decision of one or both members to stop trying. What was the state of the relationship beforehand? How autonomous are they? Is either one making a power play? Have they grown apart and never realized how far until this comes up? Are they just a bit bored or thrill seeking? They probably do not realize how strong their feelings will be until they experience them.

They both hope that they can maintain their relationship in some form. Very often I have read "my partner and I are perfect for one another except in this one area". Neither one wants to lose all that perfection so they agree to "try" to make polyamory work. I think usually they may hope polyamory proves satisfactory and if it does not they hope they can put the genie back into the bottle. To think otherwise is to give up on a relationship in which they are largely comfortable. In some cases it is that one person was "trying" to make monogamy work, has found it didn't, and hopes that it will work the other way around.

They may both naively think that what they are "trying" is polyamory, as though they are trying out a new sport or cuisine.What in fact they are "trying" is to keep their relationship going and the person who stops trying is essentially giving up on the relationship unless they can get their partner to stop acting polyamorous.

Leetah