My partner's Sexual Aggression.

L

Ladyofcups

New member
So our situation is a bit complex. he suffers from sexual frustration rage (If that is really a thing). If he goes more than about two weeks without "release". he become irrational, agitated, and moody. At the worst of times he even lashes out. It has worried me more than ever because recently He would take walks to ease his mind. But this does not solve the problem. Only delays the inevitable snap. Now to those we have talked to about this their answers were semi helpful but: 1. He can't masterbate, for problems probably linked to the fact he has never had a positive sexual experience. 2. he took the Fwb thing i let him have off the table. I'm really at a loss for options. Has anyone else had to deal with something similar? If so how can I help him manage it?
 
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You can't. This is his problem to manage. The 'masterbation is not an option' thing strikes me as untrue - it could help him, but he would rather be having more sex with you, and possibly believes deep down that you should be the one to step up and help him deal with his sexual problems. I would suggest it's time for him to see some kind of professional. He sounds like a man deeply out of touch with his own sensuality and sexuality. You say he's never had a positive sexual experience? Not even with you? Why not? What does he think a positive experience should look like? If he really hasn't ever masterbated, or found that enjoyable, then he's probably got no idea what his body is capable of or how he experiences pleasure. That in turn makes it very hard to explain to another how to turn him on, etc.

Ultimately, no one should be put under pressure to have sex if they don't want to. He'scresponsible for fetting his own needs met. You've offered him options to go outside of your marriage if he wishes, and it's up to him to take that offer and make it work for him, or else learn to better handle his sexual frustration. If he's taking it out on you, physically or emotionally, that's unacceptable.
 
thank you TenK. to be honest my partner and I don't have sex. we have been waiting for the right time. at the moment for him it seems far away from now. and i have reminded him that he has options. im just not sure whats going on in that mans head.
 
To me this sounds like it's almost a dangerous situation for you. How far will he take lashing out? Will he attempt to rape you? I agree with others, this is NOT your issue. Personally I would end the relationship & run.
 
Ladyofcups said:
thank you TenK. to be honest my partner and I don't have sex. we have been waiting for the right time. At the moment if feels far away from now.
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I am not sure what your question is. Why aren't you two having sex? Is this a very new relationship? When would be the "right time" to have sex? If he gets moody after 2 weeks without an orgasm, but you two have not had sex, how does he get his orgasm once every 2 weeks? Are you asexual? Is he mad at you for not "putting out?"

... and i have reminded him that he has options. im just not sure whats going on in that mans head.
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I am not sure what is in your head. If you want to learn what is in his head, why don't you ask?
 
well Magdyln we have been together for two years. we have had isuses with sex in both of our pasts. he feels we could have more intimament a while ago. but he also understands im not ready for that just yet. its why i gave him the option to sleep with other people as long as he doesn't become romantically involved.
 
You're in a two year sexless relationship? Why no sex? Are you very young, virgins? Have you (and he) had sexual abuse/rape in your pasts? This sounds very messed up! He can't masturbate because of some undealt with stuff from his past. You can't have sex with him because of your issues.

And you've told him you're OK if he has some casual sex with someone else. You want to get him off your back, so to speak. Yet you seek to limit his emotional intimacy with others.

This is a board for polyamory. That means, many LOVES. Romantic love, including sex (unless someone is truly asexual and never desires sex with romantic loved ones). Friends with benefits, or fuck buddies, fall under an "open relationship" dynamic, but it isn't "polyamory" if no feelings are supposed to develop.

It sounds to me like you both have deep issues around sex! He can't have sex with you, and can't masturbate, and doesn't want a FWB? Are his only orgasms of the uncontrolled nocturnal emissions type: "wet dreams?"

And you? Do you masturbate? Have you ever had sex and enjoyed it? Are you asexual, or do you have a libido?

You can share here what is limiting your ability to have healthy loving sex with your boyfriend, but if it's gotten to the point of "rage" on his side, I'd say you both need therapy from a professional.
 
Are you safe there? :(

It is not your job to help him manage himself. He could see a counselor and seek appropriate help from an appropriate person. Not lash out at you, not expect you to be be his counselor, and not expect you to be his sex release "medication."

TBH, it's creepy sounding to me.

Does anything in section 13 ring bells? Anything else from other sections?

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u...tober 2014 New Tactic 5 Cyber Abuse Cover.pdf

It's sounding like

  • "give me sex so I don't go into sexual frustration rage at you (overt bullying)"
  • Do what I want or else you are gonna get it

or

  • "deny me sex and risk me snapping and/or raping you from sexual frustration rage. (blame shifting - either on you for not giving him sex or on this "rage thing" that has "power" over him. Not taking personal responsibility for actions he chooses to do.)"
  • if you don't do what I want, you are gonna make me do things I don't want to do.

Either way you are at risk. Ack! :eek:

Is it surprising he's never had a "positive sexual experience" behaving this way toward partners? Sheesh.

If he has decided what he wants to get off is aggression or the threat of aggression towards you? Then yeah. Masturbating won't do it for him. Neither would FWB with someone else. You are the target.

I couldn't feel safe and good like that. I would walk away. Are you able to leave?

Galagirl
 
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Ladyofcups said:
So our situation is a bit complex. he suffers from sexual frustration rage (If that is really a thing). If he goes more than about two weeks without "release". he become irrational, agitated, and moody. At the worst of times he even lashes out. It has worried me more than ever because recently He would take walks to ease his mind. But this does not solve the problem. Only delays the inevitable snap. Now to those we have talked to about this their answers were semi helpful but: 1. He can't masterbate, for problems probably linked to the fact he has never had a positive sexual experience. 2. he took the Fwb thing i let him have off the table. I'm really at a loss for options. Has anyone else had to deal with something similar? If so how can I help him manage it?
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He needs to seek professional help to manage his "rage." Anger management counseling would be helpful. No matter what is causing his "rage" it is solely HIS responsibility and while you can support him you cannot solve this issue for him. There is absolutely NO reason for him to be using you as a source of anger/frustration release, ever!

You cannot be his counselor as it causes a dual role and can cause more damage than it will be helpful.
 
Sexual frustration is a thing. The rage part, as in Sexual Frustration Rage (SFR) is not. It's just abuse and someone making an excuse.
 
nycindie said:
SFR? Gawd, I hope that's not a thing now! Jeez, they'll pathologize anything these days. Next there will be Hangnail Rage Disorder.
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Sexual Frustration Rage, AKA bog-standard male entitlement.

As others have said, I recommend getting out of this relationship, Ladyofcups. It sounds like the sort of situation that will only get worse if you happen to discover that you two are sexually incompatible after all.
 
Hi Ladyofcups,

It would be helpful if you could give more details about your situation. Based on your posts so far, I have to conclude that you need to break up with him. As an alternative, could you and he go to see a sex therapist?

I hope things will improve for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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