Hello! New to polyamory, struggling but know there's no way back.

C

CaitlinL22

New member
Hi!

I'm new! I'm really happy I've found this forum, I don't know much but I'm looking forward to actively contributing what I have and understanding what I don't know.

Polyamory is completely new to me, it resonates but I'm not finding it easy to come to terms with. Why? Because I have recently met a woman and fallen deeply in love with her. Considering myself responsible, I wanted to try and understand what 'love' means and in its essence, it seems to be synonymous with 'freedom .'

I have no intention to possess or control anyone, this woman is poliamorous, I've never considered trying to change that but rather realised that I'd have to question my own beliefs.

My behaviour recently suggests that I'm turning towards polyamory, as prior to this relationship, I'd met a different girl and she was also involved with someone else. I remember thinking that I didn't mind as long as she was also interested in me. It didn't work out because her personality wasn't compatible with mine.

I think given my own space and time I could become one very happy polyamorous person however, the strength of emotion that I feel for my current 'lover' is making it hard for me. I can't help but feel the 'ugly green eyed monster' rear its head when I think of her with someone else, intimately. Any thoughts would be greatly welcomed!

Thanks!
 
Hi Caitlin

Welcome to the forum :)

I'd like to just pick up on one aspect of your post for now, other's will possibly do another aspect or take a holistic approach, but I've spotted one word that I'll ask you to further consider.

We all know what you mean by 'intimately' - this seems to be a significant focus of a lot of people getting their head around polyamory - but I also encourage you to identify all the other forms of intimacy that we share with partners, and friends, and family and so on. Here is a video that talks about fidelity, intimacy and polyamory/monogamy and is a bit of an eye opener about all the things that we do that are actually intimate.

I'm sure Kevin will provide his list of very useful jealousy links too :)

All the best with your journey, I look forward to reading your future posts.

Kia kaha
Evie
 
CaitlinL22 said:
Hi!

I'm new! I'm really happy I've found this forum, I don't know much but I'm looking forward to actively contributing what I have and understanding what I don't know.
Click to expand...

Hello and welcome, I am glad that you found us and looking forward to your contributions. Even those of us who have been doing this for a bit have a whole lot of room for more understanding of what we "don't know". (Especially because each person comes to poly, and relationships in general, from their own perspective - just because one person has found what works for them doesn't mean that each situation doesn't have its own unique shape and challenges).

CaitlinL22 said:
Polyamory is completely new to me, it resonates but I'm not finding it easy to come to terms with. Why? Because I have recently met a woman and fallen deeply in love with her. Considering myself responsible, I wanted to try and understand what 'love' means and in its essence, it seems to be synonymous with 'freedom .'
Click to expand...

I'm 41 years old, have fallen "in love" twice (with my two current partners) and still don't have a clear view of what "love" means - but I agree that "freedom" is likely a portion of that. The whole "If you love them, set them free, if they don't come back, they were never yours." deal. BUT, that particular meme kind of irks me as it implies some sort of ownership. No-one can "give" me freedom (or take it away), because no-one has control of my freedom except me - I may choose to restrict my actions (for a period of time), by my own choice, at another's request but that is MY decision.

CaitlinL22 said:
I have no intention to possess or control anyone, this woman is poliamorous, I've never considered trying to change that but rather realised that I'd have to question my own beliefs.
Click to expand...

Great and good. First hurdle crossed without a hitch - we canNOT possess or control another person, and trying to "change" someone is a recipe for frustration. Questioning our beliefs is an excellent exercise - sometimes our beliefs change and sometimes they are reinforced but I don't think that introspection is ever a bad idea.

CaitlinL22 said:
... the strength of emotion that I feel for my current 'lover' is making it hard for me. I can't help but feel the 'ugly green eyed monster' rear its head when I think of her with someone else, intimately. Any thoughts would be greatly welcomed!
Click to expand...

When Kevin comes along with his links that will provide some good food for thought (if he doesn't, we can find them...no worries:rolleyes:) On my part, I would say - jealousy happens, even when we think we are immune to it. Jealousy itself is not a horrible thing, it is a symptom of insecurity or fear or something and can help point to weak point in ourselves or our relationships that need to be addressed.

As the the "strength of emotion" - new relationships generate a lot of energy, which we refer to as NRE (New Relationship Energy) and it can be overwhelming and heighten our usual reactions. This is normal and expected:rolleyes:. During that time (6 months to 2 years - depending on the person and the situation) we tend to few the object of our adoration through rose-colored glasses and worry that we are "not good enough" for them and that they will surely turn their attention to someone else who lacks all of the flaws we see in ourselves.

For some people it helps if they have met the "other" that their lover is involved with - we can then see that they are human, just like us, with their own flaws and issues. For some people, making sure that they are telling their partner what they need as reassurance is helpful (partners are NOT mind readers, if you need more time/touch/attention - you need to let them know, if you have not heard of the "5 Love Languages" you might want to consider that your partner may be giving you the attention/reassurance that they would want - your preferences may be different:eek:)

Thank you for joining us and trying to work through your feelings with regard to your poly partner. Life is complicated!
 
Last edited:
Hi, welcome.

I messaged our Official Greeter, Kevin, who almost always greets new people and offers some quick advice or links as needed.
 
Greetings CaitlinL22,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Here's those links that Evie and JaneQSmythe spoke of:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

And there's a book you can read, "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Evie said:
Hi Caitlin

Welcome to the forum :)

I'd like to just pick up on one aspect of your post for now, other's will possibly do another aspect or take a holistic approach, but I've spotted one word that I'll ask you to further consider.

We all know what you mean by 'intimately' - this seems to be a significant focus of a lot of people getting their head around polyamory - but I also encourage you to identify all the other forms of intimacy that we share with partners, and friends, and family and so on. Here is a video that talks about fidelity, intimacy and polyamory/monogamy and is a bit of an eye opener about all the things that we do that are actually intimate.

I'm sure Kevin will provide his list of very useful jealousy links too :)

All the best with your journey, I look forward to reading your future posts.

Kia kaha
Evie
Click to expand...

Hey!
Thank you so much for the support and the video!

It really is interesting, I think I need to spend some time contemplating my views on it. As I said, in theory it resonates, I'm just finding it tricky with this particular person.

How did you come to polyamory, has jealousy ever been a serious problem for you?

All the best :D
 
JaneQSmythe said:
Hello and welcome, I am glad that you found us and looking forward to your contributions. Even those of us who have been doing this for a bit have a whole lot of room for more understanding of what we "don't know". (Especially because each person comes to poly, and relationships in general, from their own perspective - just because one person has found what works for them doesn't mean that each situation doesn't have its own unique shape and challenges).



I'm 41 years old, have fallen "in love" twice (with my two current partners) and still don't have a clear view of what "love" means - but I agree that "freedom" is likely a portion of that. The whole "If you love them, set them free, if they don't come back, they were never yours." deal. BUT, that particular meme kind of irks me as it implies some sort of ownership. No-one can "give" me freedom (or take it away), because no-one has control of my freedom except me - I may choose to restrict my actions (for a period of time), by my own choice, at another's request but that is MY decision.



Great and good. First hurdle crossed without a hitch - we canNOT possess or control another person, and trying to "change" someone is a recipe for frustration. Questioning our beliefs is an excellent exercise - sometimes our beliefs change and sometimes they are reinforced but I don't think that introspection is ever a bad idea.



When Kevin comes along with his links that will provide some good food for thought (if he doesn't, we can find them...no worries:rolleyes:) On my part, I would say - jealousy happens, even when we think we are immune to it. Jealousy itself is not a horrible thing, it is a symptom of insecurity or fear or something and can help point to weak point in ourselves or our relationships that need to be addressed.

As the the "strength of emotion" - new relationships generate a lot of energy, which we refer to as NRE (New Relationship Energy) and it can be overwhelming and heighten our usual reactions. This is normal and expected:rolleyes:. During that time (6 months to 2 years - depending on the person and the situation) we tend to few the object of our adoration through rose-colored glasses and worry that we are "not good enough" for them and that they will surely turn their attention to someone else who lacks all of the flaws we see in ourselves.

For some people it helps if they have met the "other" that their lover is involved with - we can then see that they are human, just like us, with their own flaws and issues. For some people, making sure that they are telling their partner what they need as reassurance is helpful (partners are NOT mind readers, if you need more time/touch/attention - you need to let them know, if you have not heard of the "5 Love Languages" you might want to consider that your partner may be giving you the attention/reassurance that they would want - your preferences may be different:eek:)

Thank you for joining us and trying to work through your feelings with regard to your poly partner. Life is complicated!
Click to expand...

I think I'm doing too much quoting here - feeling a little technologically inadequate!

Thank you for your detailed response - it's all so helpful and I feel less isolated now.

Yeah, I shouldn't even be talking about 'giving' her *her* freedom. I think I just meant that I've never questioned that part, I think to the point where I don't like telling her my thoughts on physical intimacy in case it affects her decision making somehow. But, that's also bad communication, so I think that's why I feel the pressure to get to e comfortable with it.

I think what doesn't help is her refusal to use terminology like boyfriend/girlfriend. I feel a bit lost in the water about that. Everyone on here seems quite happy to give their partners names/some form of definition...light definition? Just find it confusing that if it's a rebellion against conforming then why also use terms like, I love you. I don't feel uncomfortable about it though.

Thanks!! Hope to continue talking!
 
543

kdt26417 said:
Greetings CaitlinL22,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Here's those links that Evie and JaneQSmythe spoke of:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

And there's a book you can read, "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...

Thank you!! This is all so helpful! Didn't expect such a response!
 
CaitlinL22 said:
I think I'm doing too much quoting here - feeling a little technologically inadequate!
Click to expand...

Not a problem! If you care to you can only quote part of a post by editing what falls between the {QUOTE=username;postnumber} and the {/QUOTE} (the actual code uses square brackets instead of curvy ones) in the box where you are creating your post. You can also copy/paste the code in order to chop up a post to respond to each part.

CaitlinL22 said:
Thank you for your detailed response - it's all so helpful and I feel less isolated now.
Click to expand...

You are welcome and I'm glad you find our responses helpful!:)

CaitlinL22 said:
...to the point where I don't like telling her my thoughts on physical intimacy in case it affects her decision making somehow. But, that's also bad communication, so I think that's why I feel the pressure to get comfortable with it.
Click to expand...

As long as you are not manipulating her or demanding she change her behavior, then it is actually OK, in my book, if the information you provide (what makes you uncomfortable and why) "affects her decision making". She can then make decisions based on ALL of the information that she has - including the effect that her decisions have on other people/relationships.

Use "I statements" and leave the solutions open to discussion. i.e. "I find that when I think about you being physically intimate - kissing/fondling/having sex with - someone else I experience feelings of jealousy. I don't want to feel this way and want you to feel free to pursue happiness in whatever ways work for you. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might work on this within our relationship?" You may have your own ideas (more info, less info, meeting the "other", baby steps - start with cuddling/kissing, etc) but she may have ideas that you haven't thought of or boundaries about how much she is willing to negotiate/disclose.

CaitlinL22 said:
I think what doesn't help is her refusal to use terminology like boyfriend/girlfriend. I feel a bit lost in the water about that. Everyone on here seems quite happy to give their partners names/some form of definition...light definition? Just find it confusing that if it's a rebellion against conforming then why also use terms like, I love you. I don't feel uncomfortable about it though.
Click to expand...

Actually there are a number of people here who refuse the labels/terminology that you are referring to. Instead they just refer to people by name or write "it's complicated" when defining the relationship. The problem with labels is that they mean different things to different people, who bring different expectations to the table (for instance "girlfriend" - does this mean that you are dating, sleeping together, deciding if you want to ride the "relationship escalator" with each other, etc.? - Does it mean that you have to disclose other people you are seeing/sleeping with, do you expect daily communication, do you expect them to meet your family/kids, etc.?)

So, like "love" and "freedom" and "relationship" you still have to have the discussion of what the terms means to each of you. So many people feel that you should just discard these labels and go ahead with the discussion. Labels are just short-hand and therefore limited (and perhaps limiting?).
 
Re (from CaitlinL22):
"How did you come to polyamory, has jealousy ever been a serious problem for you?"
Click to expand...

I think you're asking Evie, but since I am big on answering questions, here's what I can tell you. I had a friend, and I fell in love with her, and she fell in love with me. But she was married to another man, and we did not want to take that away from her or him. So, she did some research on the web, and discovered polyamory. She presented the idea to her husband, and after almost a year he agreed to try it.

I had jealousy problems. I think everyone in a poly relationship does. It took me awhile to learn that the jealousy wasn't about the other guy, it was about me. I had needs that hadn't been met, and that was the real problem for me.

That, perhaps, will be of some help to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
CaitlinL22 said:
Hey!
Thank you so much for the support and the video!

It really is interesting, I think I need to spend some time contemplating my views on it. As I said, in theory it resonates, I'm just finding it tricky with this particular person.

How did you come to polyamory, has jealousy ever been a serious problem for you?

All the best :D
Click to expand...

Hi Caitlin

I honestly don't know there was ever an actual coming to poly within myself, although there certainly has been a coming to poly within my marriage. But if I wasn't married, I probably wouldn't even have put the name to it and just continued to be me doing my thing for the forseeable future. Making new connections, maintaining old ones. To do this within a marriage has needed the "opening up" conversations to happen to ensure we can be on the same page about what it could look like.

And right now, my poly life looks like a lot of conversations and a lot of celibacy haha (LDR/s).

Have I been jealous? Yes, and it's even been a problem for me before, once when I caught my best friend cybering (yes, that's how long ago it was, we still said cybering) the guy I was living with at the time, then another time I caught her sitting on my ex's lap literally (yeah, I know, yet she's the one I'm still friends with - she's apologised very sincerely for both incidents), and once through a drawn out break up with a couple (they're still together), the few other times much more fleeting (as in a night I missed out on seeing my lover, or a few hours when I suspected my ex of having a wee fling), but it's less of a problem each time I feel it. I've learnt quite a lot from it, actually, like usually my fears simply don't come to pass. And it's more detrimental to me than effective in actually making the situation any better.

But the last time I felt deep sadness and loss over a person was when Golf stepped his primary relationship up a big notch and shut ours down (before it had really got a chance to get anywhere). But I never felt jealous of her. No animosity, no wishing I could be her/in her shoes. On the few occasions we've talked since, I actually really enjoy hearing about how they're building their life together. I care about him enough that I want to see (well, hear in practicality) him happy. I'm just glad I can still do that occasionally. It's just a shame he has said she's not the type of person to accept him having a female friend in his life. It would have been nice to have a couple in the not too far away vicinity to go have a lovely restaurant dinner with once in a while. It would have been nicer him being able to have that connection be explored to its fullest potential. But some women just freak out at their husbands having even platonic girl friends (and previously somewhat intimate ones - from before they even met) so even a double date isn't an option :(

I'm curious as to see what I feel when Adam makes a new connection (we've only been together about 3.5 years and it doesn't even feel like that long) and what level of contact that person wants with me (I'd find it hardest if they wanted none at all/can't even be civil, I think).

So I don't know if that's actually helpful, it's just me rambling at the page really.

kia kaha
Evie
 
Thanks guys. I really appreciate all your comments and feedback.
I really want to come to polyamory in my own time without pressure, eg. I don't want to hurt someone by getting involved because I feel I have to make a balance. I want my actions to be my actions.

I feel she could be restricting her actions, even though it seems to be her choice. An old friend has come back into town, and I can feel the stress mounting up. I don't know whether the wisest option would be to cut ties.

I feel this is a delicate situation and people's emotions/inner being could take a hit. I feel a little at a loss.

Cheers for all your support!
X
 
My suggestion would be, don't worry so much about her choices, just worry about your own choices. If things are satisfactory to you as they now stand, stay in the situation. Don't worry so much about whether she's satisfied, let her worry about that. If she says she's okay with things, then, believe her. If she needs to break up, let her make that call.

Not that this makes things easy per se, I'm sure you don't want to be the one who gets broken up with. But, leaving that part in her hands seems like the right thing to do. Unless of course things are unsatisfactory to you as they now stand. In which case I think you would want to leave the situation.
 
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