Boundaries with partner's partner

A

anomaly

New member
My partner (A) dated someone for about a year (X). We were never a triad and I didn't have a relationship with X, but I made an effort to be friendly and welcoming. But the more I got to know X (and listened to A about how X treats A), the less I liked X. I find X (a 30something adult) to be emotionally unstable, prone to tantrums and meltdowns and generally draining to be around (or even to hear about). I also don't like the way X treats my partner.

After a long period of drama, A broke up with X, but is now considering getting back together at X's insistence that X "will change". But X also told A that I'm not welcoming enough, that my energy triggers them, that they find me intimidating, etc. A now wants to give X another chance and wants me to reach out to X and form some kind of friendship.

I think it's a terrible decision, but it's his life and as long as the drama doesn't impact me (which I have some doubts about), he can do whatever he wants. I do draw the line at interacting with someone I do not like and do not trust. I also feel that A is undermining our relationship by insisting on this. It feels like coercion to me.

Am I being unreasonable?

(edited for clarity)
 
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Yeah, if you don't like X, don't hang out with them. There is no requirement in poly that metamours be friends.

If you don't like hearing about the drama in this relationship, tell A not to speak to you of it.

These could be your boundaries. If things don't improve, you have the option of leaving him.
 
Thank you. That is indeed the rational thing to do. A believes in the big happy poly family way of things. I do not - unless he allows me to choose who he dates
 
anomaly said:
Thank you. That is indeed the rational thing to do. A believes in the big happy poly family way of things. I do not - unless he allows me to choose who he dates
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Well, you should never choose whom your partner dates! But it is a shame he is seeing someone you dislike so much. It probably makes you feel differently about him, that he chose someone like her. But, you could just let go of judging and step back and allow their relationship to run its course.

If things keep getting worse and worse, to the point where you lose respect for him for being in this drama, you can tell him you're done, and need to end things.
 
anomaly said:
I think it's a terrible decision, but it's his life and as long as the drama doesn't impact me (which I have some doubts about), he can do whatever he wants. I do draw the line at interacting with someone I do not like and do not trust.
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This sounds very reasonable.

anomaly said:
I also feel that A is undermining our relationship by insisting on this. It feels like coercion to me.
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This seems judgemental, but a little convoluted. I would say it is a bad belief to hold, that your partner undermines your relationship. It is probably not his intention. However, we do not know about your communication with A, and it is likely, that there might be some manipulative element to it, because he is for sure at emotional distress after the breakup. So my guess is, that this is communication and emotional maturity issue; try to hold your boundaries without losing trust.
 
Hi anomaly,

I don't think you're being unreasonable, you have good reason to feel uncomfortable around X, and why should you pretend otherwise? It seems like you and X should just not cross paths, and A shouldn't talk to you about X either. That's how I see it anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I find X (a 30something adult) to be emotionally unstable, prone to tantrums and meltdowns and generally draining to be around
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You are not being unreasonable to keep away from X. You do not like X. Why hang out with X?

I wonder if X finds you "unwelcoming" and "intimidating" because you initially were welcoming and then you saw through the BS and distanced yourself? Has A considered that possibility? That "you are unwelcoming = it is hard to pull the wool over your eyes" and "intimidating = you are a hard target that might get in my way of roping off A."

A going into a second round with X because X insists? Is that a fancy way of saying pressuring or bullying? I think A could do things because A wants to. Not because someone else is bullying them to. That is not "passionate" -- that is not respecting people.

They broke up for a reason. X saying he will change? I would prefer X change FIRST. I'd be more like "show me the money" -- before I would believe any of it. Talk is cheap.

I think it's a terrible decision, but it's his life and as long as the drama doesn't impact me (which I have some doubts about), he can do whatever he wants.
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I agree it sounds like a bad decision. Tread carefully.

Not to put too fine a point on it -- some disordered people and some abusers sweet talk (or love bomb) a person at first to hook them. Then they try to cut them off from any friends and family who would raise the alarm. Then drain them dry in various ways.

While A can choose what A chooses -- if you care for A, you might consider having that conversation straight up and direct.

"A, are you able to tell an unhealthy or an abusive person trying to date you from regular dating partners? Do you know what healthy dating is? You broke up for a reason. Is X pressuring you or bullying you in a way you do not like?"

If A still insists on going there, you can stand aside and state your boundaries -- you don't want to hear any drama or hang around with X. That you DO want to hear if X is hurting A and A needs help getting away. (Assuming you are willing to hear that and help. )

Galagirl
 
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A little update: It looks like A has started seeing X again. A insists that they're not back together, but they are spending more and more time together, hanging out with friends, etc. I asked A to tell X that I need a no-contact period, but for whatever reason, X sent me a Christmas gift anyway, so I told X directly that I need no contact for now - I will communicate directly from now on, I think.

So if they get back together officially, I'm not sure how this will work out, because A will want us to be in contact at least periodically and I don't really want that. I'm not too happy with this situation, but I'm going to wait and see what happens in the next couple of months.
 
anomaly said:
So if they get back together officially, I'm not sure how this will work out, because A will want us to be in contact at least periodically and I don't really want that.
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So, does A always get what A wants, no matter what anyone else needs or thinks about it? Perhaps it's time that Anomaly gets what Anomaly wants!
 
I agree anomaly, I think you should inform A that you'll only be in contact with X when you feel like it (which will probably be never).
 
I'm trying to find a balance between allowing A his freedom and setting my own boundaries re: X. We'll see how it turns out. Thanks for all your comments.
 
I'd say you are being upfront and honest with both A and X. If they get back together, you don't want it to be like it was before. If X needs to be in contact with you as a consequence of dating A, then X needs to (and does now) know that it's not going to happen. It's on X to take that into account when making a choice to date A again. I think you shouldn't worry quite so much about whether they will or will not resume dating, because it's entirely in your control whether you have contact with X or not. Be confident in your boundary settings, and I think things will go more smoothly this time around. :)
 
Thanks! You've summed up the situation perfectly. I think one of my issues is that A and I don't have same concept of "dating". A is spending quite a bit of time with X, going away on weekends, etc. - all of which I am totally fine with - but says that they are not "back together" but "hanging out as friends". I don't get it. But I don't have to :rolleyes:
 
Well, first off, I agree with everybody that being around X sounds unhealthy for you, and like X could be a toxic/abusive person.

That said, part of my way of doing poly is that I'm open to having deep poly relationships with friends AND I'm ok doing all sorts of "couple-ish" things with people who are "just" friends (in this instance "just" friends generally means these people are either monogamous or they are poly, but our interest in each other is your average-level friendship, not a close partnership/friendship). I have an ex who I semi-regularly have sleepovers with and we've gone away together on trips over the weekend. There is absolutely NOTHING between us other than friendship, and I doubt there ever will be.

So it's definitely within the realm of possible that they really are just hanging out as friends.

It's also possible that X is pretending to be friends, but is planning on doing a "well, we're spending so much time together already and it's going so well that we're practically dating, so why not just date?" to A.

And it's also possible that they really are dating and A is lying to you.

The thing I'd be most worried about (were I you) is that if it does come to light that they truly were dating, but A lied about it because he knew you'd be upset about it, then I think that's a WAY bigger problem with A, beyond him dating potentially abusive/shitty people. Because if he's lying about that, what else might he be lying to you about because you wouldn't like it?
 
LizziE said:
That said, part of my way of doing poly is that I'm open to having deep poly relationships with friends AND I'm ok doing all sorts of "couple-ish" things with people who are "just" friends (in this instance "just" friends generally means these people are either monogamous or they are poly, but our interest in each other is your average-level friendship, not a close partnership/friendship). I have an ex who I semi-regularly have sleepovers with and we've gone away together on trips over the weekend. There is absolutely NOTHING between us other than friendship, and I doubt there ever will be.

So it's definitely within the realm of possible that they really are just hanging out as friends.
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FTR (For The Record), and not saying that this is the case here - I also do "couple-ish" things and vacations/overnights with "just" friends. I have a lesbian friend (I am bisexual) with whom I have taken week-or-longer vacations with - we are not each other's "type" but can sleep in the same bed and talk about anything.
 
Sure, and I understand that. It's not my style, but whatever works for them :) I just find it odd to break up with someone after months of high drama, then immediately resume contact as "friends" and "let's see what happens". On the other hand, my partner's been entirely honest about the fact that he is willing to resume the relationship with X if X changes in certain ways. I guess he has a lot more faith in X than I ever will again :rolleyes:
 
Oh man, do I feel you on that. I have a similar situation going on in my life, with my partner and his ex. At the moment, they're not speaking at all (the first time they ceased all contact since the break up six months ago), because she wouldn't stop jumping all over his shit about everything and he finally got fed up enough to say he didn't needed time away from her. But he's still on the fence about keeping her in his life.

Sigh.

Watching (in an up front seat) while people we love learn things for themselves (or possibly not learn them) is definitely one of the hardest parts of being poly.

(I'm assuming it's worse with children, but don't know, as I don't have any)
 
I see so many people breaking up but still hanging out. Even having sex! I just never got that. For me, being someone's gf/wife is one thing. If we break up, it is because we have irreconcilable differences. Therefore, there are bad feelings around those differences. Therefore, I don't want to hang out with them. Also, since we were once sexual, there might still be sexual tension despite the irreconcilable differences, which makes hanging out as friends really difficult for me.

I just don't do well remaining friends with exes. I am "friendly" with my ex husband, but if we didn't share adult children and a new grandchild, we probably wouldn't still be in touch.

So, in this case, I think your bf is playing with fire. His so-called ex seems sketchy in the emotions department, and a possible cowgirl. He might still feel flattered by her attentions and thinking with his dick. Yuck.
 
I'm friends with most of my exes, and close friends with some. Beaker and I are still close, and I hang out with SW often. I interact less with Whip but we are friendly, if not close. It also helps immensely that they are all decent people who did not treat me poorly, nor did I treat them poorly. I would not try to be friends with an ex who behaved badly.

While there were definitely irreconcilable differences in all those relationships, some detailed at length in my blogs here, and hard, difficult feelings, that is not enough for me to write them off as friends. Often my relationships began as friendships, and I've found that even with irreconcilable romantic differences, they were still the people I was initially friends with and that was worth maintaining.

That said, I doubt the friendships I have now with exes would be possible without taking a long break from contact with them. I am a firm believer in the 40 days no contact at all 'reset'. This allows me to get my head on straight about them, allow the most intense feelings to fade, and begin working through what I need to about them. I did this will all of my recent exes and it has really been extremely positive for me.

Also, when I end a sexual or romantic relationship, I'm really good at putting a stake in it. I don't have sex with exes nor am I usually tempted. When the relationship ends, often my desire for them is done too. So the sexual tension thing for me just doesn't happen. I do truly move on in the romantic/sexual sense.

Other people move on from exes entirely and that often makes a great deal of sense. No need to keep damaging people around or if there just isn't much in common anymore. But for me, it's been worth it despite the occasional heart ping. And I find it sad that is the default for most. Lesbian culture gets a lot of stuff wrong but one thing I treasure from it is the expectation that exes will be in your life. This can be problematic (toxic people, codependent people, etc.) but overall I think it's a really worth looking attempting.

Anyway, LizziE is spot on about one of the hardest things in life, not just poly, is watching loved ones learn hard lessons. And it's even harder when people, for whatever reason, don't learn those lessons. One of my 'deal breakers' is an inability (or refusal) to learn from mistakes or tough situations. Whip had this tendency which didn't cause our breakup but certainly reinforced it. Oil Man - blast from the past there! - also had this trait. I finally learned my own lesson about people who don't learn lessons in life!

And to bring this back to the OP's post, one of the hardest things I've had to learn is that people have very different views on how they handle behavior from others. Many people are willing to deal with more 'bad' behavior because they consider the risks worth it. I've also learned that things I consider absolute deal breakers are simply not so for others AND that we are both not wrong. It's entirely possible that not being around X is entirely appropriate for you. And A may not be wrong that being around X is just fine for him. You've been clear on your boundaries around this, it seems, and that is basically what you can do.
 
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