Can Mr. Poly be Satisfied in a Mono Relationship?

[Starfish1]

Thank you to those who suggested that I begin a new post on this topic, so what follows was previously submitted as a reply to someone else....

The post that caught my attention asked:

Does anyone out there know of people who know that they are poly and are happy in a mono relationship, despite knowing it's not...who they are, so to speak?​

Although I had never heard of polyamory until perhaps 9 months ago, I am beginning to wonder the very same thing. In trying to understand polyamory, I have read many of the blogs on this site and others and have come to notice that the majority of those who engage in the poly lifestyle seem to be "hard-wired" for it to a degree just as one may be predisposed toward homosexuality. Based on a Kinsey-like scale proposed by several authors with 1 being totally monogamous and 6 being totally polyamorous, I am a 1 and my current boyfriend is probably a 5.

My guy turned to poly after numerous heartaches in mono relationships and came to the conclusion that any mono relationship was doomed for failure. He was tired of trying to play by the rules, only to see his wife or girlfriends cheat while they expected exclusivity from him. (Such a double-standard disgusts me and I sincerely respect the transparency and honesty of the poly lifestyle.)

I have only been in mono relationships and have never had a desire to cheat or seek an outside or additional lover; even the idea of it is uncomfortable for me. Any way I think of sex, it is a one-and-one experience. My boyfriend on the other hand, has only been fulfilled and happy long-term in poly relationships, generally with 3 bisexual women in a quadrilateral (not sure if that is the right term, but they all loved each other and lived as a family).

As for me, not only is the idea of poly unsettling, but the thought of being intimate with another woman is completely distasteful to me. And yet, I genuinely do LOVE sex - I would NEVER say no to sex with my man and have yet to be with a man who had the availability or appetite for the frequency that I crave.

So now I find myself in a relationship with Mr. Poly who seems to be holding back. I know he was adventurous, fun, experimental in other relationships as he would go on trips and outings with the other girls. With me, the relationship is somewhat staid; physical interaction and time together is limited - I have only seen him 12 times in 10 months although I have urged for more and the few times I have driven to his office to try to see him (I am not allowed to know where he lives), he seems to be caught off-guard and less than anxious to see me. When I try to plan dates or propose making plans, he tends to ignore me and even when he does commit to dates, he may cancel or forget. (He is better now, but I still feel like he is a bit of a stranger to me, at least the physical presence of him.)

So I wonder if I am just trying too hard to make a relationship with the wrong ingredients work. Will he always be wanting "more" as in more lovers just as I want so much "more" of him - more frequency, duration, variety? Is he holding back in the relationship perhaps because he can only shine and be himself in a poly situation?

And yet, because he is dominant and I tend to be submissive, I don't know if there is much I can do to change things. After all, this is a guy who has a history of living with three women at a time and he STILL does not put the toilet seat down.

Any thoughts?

 

[Emm]

Any way I think of sex, it is a one-and-one experience.

... not only is the idea of poly unsettling, but the thought of being intimate with another woman is completely distasteful to me.

You do know threesomes and bisexual bedroom hi-jinks aren't automatically part of a poly relationship, right? Just because your partner is involved with someone doesn't mean you have to be too; if you're not attracted to someone you don't have to have anything to do with them.

I have only seen him 12 times in 10 months

Is this a LDR? If not, what are the constraints preventing more frequent interaction?

(I am not allowed to know where he lives)

Could be a red flag that he's hiding something big or it could just be that he doesn't like people in his space. I went through the entirety of a 2+ year monogamous relationship without my BF seeing my house because I'm not one of nature's housekeepers and I was just too damn embarrassed by the state of the place to have visitors.

When I try to plan dates or propose making plans, he tends to ignore me and even when he does commit to dates, he may cancel or forget.

Would you put up with that type of behavior from a mono guy? If not, why would you put up with it from this specimen?

Edit (the thread title just registered):

Can Mr. Poly be Satisfied in a Mono Relationship?

Have the two of you agreed that you are in a mono relationship?

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I agree with the points that Emm has brought up.

12 dates in 10 months? Almost a year in and you are not allowed to know where he lives?

From reading your post it sounds like:

1.) He is not that into you (unless this is a long-distance relationship and you communicate regularly via other means).
OR
2.) He is already involved in other relationships that are taking up his time/attention and he is keeping this a secret from them and/or keeping them a secret from you.
OR
3.) He may be uncomfortable mixing his personal life with his work life (i.e. with you/anyone "showing up" at his office - I would be, why wouldn't you call first?)

4.) This is for you - "Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option." Whether it is you personally or dating a mono person generally - not responding to requests for time together (especially when that time is minimal to start with) and cancelling/forgetting dates is a red flag.to me

Also, to reiterate what Emm said - "poly" does NOT have to equal group sex or bisexuality - one-on-one is a preference/expectation for many poly people when it comes to sex.

Does anyone out there know of people who know that they are poly and are happy in a mono relationship, despite knowing it's not...who they are, so to speak?

Not exactly, but MrS and I had a de facto OPP (One-Penis-Policy) - where I only really pursued women and only flirted with men. That lasted 19 years...then a guy came along that I fell for, hard...shit happened, I screwed up ...pain was inflicted and...we worked it out.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

IME, usually the last few sentences in a post are the thing. Here are yours:

I wonder if I am just trying too hard to make a relationship with the wrong ingredients work.

Sounds like it to me. You also list why pretty clearly.

• He likes poly. He wants more lovers. He likes group encounters.
  • the idea of poly unsettling to you
  • the thought of being intimate with another woman is completely distasteful to you

• You want more frequency, duration, variety in dates, more connection with him
  • He avoids connection with you.
    • You don't get to know where he lives
    • He's meh if you show up at his work
    • He ignores you when you try to make plans
    • Even when he agrees to plans with you, he often cancels or stands you up.
    • Just 12 dates in 10 months and he is local. To me that means not much interest or not a lot of time to share with you or both.

Where you wonder if he is "holding back" in the "staid" relationship? I evaluate it as "not investing much" in a relationship he "not keen on."

And yet, because he is dominant and I tend to be submissive, I don't know if there is much I can do to change things. After all, this is a guy who has a history of living with three women at a time and he STILL does not put the toilet seat down.

Correct. You cannot change HIS behaviors. If this is his "best dating behavior" when you are new and shiny and it isn't all that?

You could change YOUR behaviors and decide to stop investing in a relationship with this guy.

I agree with Jane. You do not have prioritize this guy in your life.

Galagirl

 

[Dustytx]

I may be way off base here but it sounds almost as if you showed up unannounced at his office. If that is the case then yeah, I wouldn't want you to know where I lived.

Otherwise, being submissive doesn't mean you have to out up with BS. I agree with others, regardless of whether he identifies as poly or mono why would you invest in a relationship with no return?

 

[FallenAngelina]

..... because he is dominant and I tend to be submissive, I don't know if there is much I can do to change things.

Identifying as submissive does NOT mean that you take whatever the Dom dishes out. No matter who you are, where you are or what your identification is, you always can change things - if not with him, certainly in your life. Everyone is allowed to have the kind of relationship that she wants. It doesn't matter if Tom, Dick or Harry say that they are "hardwired" for anything. Put your energy into people who reflect who you truly are.

 

[KC43]

Submissive =/= doormat. Doesn't matter how submissive you are, or how dominant he is, you still have the right to speak up for what you want and need out of the situation. Submissive, as others said, doesn't mean you just show your belly and take whatever you get. That isn't submission. That's disrespecting yourself.

And I'm completely straight, so if being polyamorous means I have to fuck women as well as men and always in a threesome situation, I guess I've been doing it wrong all this time. Why on earth would being in a relationship with this guy mean you HAVE TO "be intimate" with other women? If you're not into it, you're not into it. Have one-on-one sex with the guy, and let him be the one fucking other women, preferably not in front of you.

 

[Pleiades]

. . .

. . . (I am not allowed to know where he lives), he seems to be caught off-guard and less than anxious to see me. When I try to plan dates or propose making plans, he tends to ignore me and even when he does commit to dates, he may cancel or forget. (He is better now, but I still feel like he is a bit of a stranger to me, at least the physical presence of him.)

Any thoughts?

Yes.

I wouldn't be in that relationship. I can't live in someone's closet.

Reassess your situation as an observer's point of view.

 

[vinsanity0]

The not being allowed to know where he lives thing really jumps out at me. I understand not being able to have people over. It is not convenient for me to do so. But everybody knows where I live.

Do you have proof he is/was living with 3 women. Sounds like quite the fantasy.

That scenario isn't how poly has to be. Perhaps he is less poly and more into a sort of swinging lifestyle. Threesomes and moresomes don't have to be a part of it, but if that's what he's into, it could cause problems down the road.

But it sounds like maybe you would have a problem with him seeing other women besides you anyway. Can he be satisfied being monogamous? It's hard to say. I know I denied myself certain things in order to be monogamous and it made me miserable.

 

[vinsanity0]

I'll add that it seems like he went poly to avoid being hurt by serious relationships. Some people think being poly means you don't really have to care about the person you are seeing. Perhaps he is happier in a more shallow relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Starfish1,

Re (from OP):

"Can Mr. Poly be satisfied in a mono relationship?"

Probably not, not this Mr. Poly anyway. I suspect he is already seeing other women behind your back, which is how I explain how seldom he gets together with you.

So the thing I would ask is, can you be satisfied in a relationship where you are mono but he is poly? and if the answer is no, I would advise you to break up with him. Sorry; probably not what you wanted to hear.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Starfish1]

Much has happened since my last post and the man has been considerably more available to me lately - regular phone conversations, text, etc. Also, he has been wonderful as far as trying to help a family member of mine with a painful relationship issue. This has brought us closer and allowed me to appreciate his wonderful qualities all the more. As a result of me planning a work-related conference close to him, and he accidentally leaving his keys at my home when he visited for New Year's Eve, I have actually seen him 3 times this month which is a vast improvement and a record. (And the month isn't even over yet!)

As far as me showing up to his office, it was planned and agreed to, he just seemed to forget. Then again, he did allow me to see him and spend time with him in his RV which he parks close to his office. I may never see his home although he has promised. Blames it on housekeeping and that he doesn't like his home. I learned recently that he does have a female roommate, but there is no romantic connection.

He really did live with and love three women at a time (no fantasy) at least twice in his life. As far as our relationship is concerned, I am monogamous and he has been with me so far. However, if I make this a requirement, he will likely terminate the relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Glad to hear things have improved.

So, can you be satisfied living in a mono/poly relationship with him?

 

[SchrodingersCat]

This whole thing is just screaming red flags. I can't actually see what's in it for you, like at all. Everything you described in the first post sounds like he's throwing you crumbs and you're lapping them up. You need to respect yourself more than that.

The second post just sounds like he broke up with one of the girls he was cheating on you with, and that freed up his time.

My husband lives out of an RV for work and it's 10x messier than his room in our house. Does the messiness of his RV match the description of his house? If so, then why does he care about one but not the other? If not, what makes him such a good housekeeper in a tin box but so terrible in 4 walls? It's actually harder to keep small spaces looking neat -- fewer places to put things.

Female room mate. Uh-huh. Sure.

 

[GalaGirl]

As a result of me planning a work-related conference close to him, and he accidentally leaving his keys at my home when he visited for New Year's Eve, I have actually seen him 3 times this month which is a vast improvement and a record..

Because you fly around his orbit waiting for any attention to come your way? That's not improvement from his behavior. That's you orbiting.

As far as me showing up to his office, it was planned and agreed to, he just seemed to forget. Then again, he did allow me to see him and spend time with him in his RV which he parks close to his office.

Does that mean... he forgot about your date because you are a low priority to him. But since you showed up and he felt like sex, he fucked you in his RV?

I am concerned for you. You seem way hung up on a guy who does not seem all that into you as a person. You just seem... handy.

I think you could listen to yourself from your first post:

I wonder if I am just trying too hard to make a relationship with the wrong ingredients work.

I'm sorry. I imagine that's probably not what you are hoping to hear.

Galagirl

 

[Starfish1]

Bamboo

He chose to go poly because so many women had cheated on him. His conclusion was that monogamy was an impossibility and that pursuing it would only set him up for disappointment. He does not see a poly relationship as shallow in any way however. His poly relationships in fact sound to be much deeper in some ways than our relationship is. He has been much more open and available to me lately, but he is still quite guarded about opening his life to me.

 

[Tinwen]

His poly relationships in fact sound to be much deeper in some ways than our relationship is. He has been much more open and available to me lately, but he is still quite guarded about opening his life to me.

Imagine if he was monogamous. Would you be satisfied with him then? How would you cope with his behaviour? Imagine he was monogamous and

• seeing you 3 times a month
• guarded about letting you into his life
• you knew his previous relationship was much deeper then the one with you
• etc. (insert any issue)

What would you do? If these things bother you, you have a problem beyond poly, that needs to be solved regardless.
If they don't ... well then it is worth thinking is you can be poly with him.

 

[GalaGirl]

He chose to go poly because so many women had cheated on him.

Then it sounds like he picks flaky people who cannot keep their Word over and over and over. He has no sense and does not learn from the past. How does that make him a great partner for you?

Or when it happens THIS many times, sounds like the real story could be HIM treating them poorly so they dump him and move on. It isn't like "I treat people so bad eventually they leave me. Wanna date?" is a great hook to attract new people.

It's a better sympathy story to say the exes cheated on him. It's not like they are there to say otherwise. And it attracts new prey eager to put in time and energy on him to "help him get over the ex."

To a narcissist -- excellent supply. He can be all aloof and not putting anything in while blaming his "skittish and fearful" behavior on the ghost ex, rather than owning his behavior choices himself. All while receiving attention and services from the new prey. When really it's just his selfish behavior --- "lots for me, little for you." Totally happy to suck them dry and say whatever story to keep that going.

How does being a "storyteller" make him a great partner for you?

His poly relationships in fact sound to be much deeper in some ways than our relationship is.

Then he tells you stories about how great the others are and you are not? How is that kind?

Is it basically carrot and stick games here? Gives you a little attention that you crave, but knocks you down so you don't feel too good?

He has been much more open and available to me lately, but he is still quite guarded about opening his life to me.

Sounds like giving you the minimum to re-hook your interest. Because it sounded like your interest was waning.

Again, I still think you could listen to yourself from the first post. You are trying to make something work with the wrong ingredients.

I guess that's what you want to be doing right now. For your sake, I hope things go how you hope soon so your suffering ends. Or you decide you are not getting enough return on your investment and you choose to end your suffering by dumping him.

I have to vote "no confidence" on his behavior changing any though. From your posts, he does not sound like a nice person.

As far as our relationship is concerned, I am monogamous and he has been with me so far. However, if I make this a requirement, he will likely terminate the relationship.

Would that be so horrible? You asking for what you want in your relationships? And sorting the compatible ones out from the incompatible ones? That's kinda what dating is FOR -- to sort them out. Why cling to a non-match so tight? Are you scared you won't find another dating partner?

Galagirl

 

[SchrodingersCat]

He chose to go poly because so many women had cheated on him. His conclusion was that monogamy was an impossibility and that pursuing it would only set him up for disappointment. He does not see a poly relationship as shallow in any way however. His poly relationships in fact sound to be much deeper in some ways than our relationship is. He has been much more open and available to me lately, but he is still quite guarded about opening his life to me.

You keep telling us what he "think" and "believes." You're leaving out "He SAID he thinks" and "He SAID he believes." There's a difference. You don't know wha the thinks and believes, only what he tells you. His actions don't match his words. A shallow person can't have deep relationships, and the way he treats you indicates he's a shallow person. You only have his stories to go on. Ask him for character references. If these other relationships were so great, why aren't they together any more? Did they part on equitable terms? Ask him if you can speak to his exes, get their take on him.