How Successful have you all been in sharing your lifestyle with friends?

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LondonGuy

New member
My best mate and I have been friends since the age of 11 (so 17 years), we've grown up together but have quite different views on sex and relationships. I'm really struggling to explain polyamory to him and he just doesn't get it - I want him to because he's a good friend and this is an important part of my life. I guess I'd like to start a thread on what obstacles people have come up against when explaining it to friends/family... how did you get round them?

Maybe I can even point him to this thread as a point of breaking down misconceptions.

I said to him ages ago it's not about sex (he made that same mistake when I tried to explain the kink scene to him too). It's about how you view connections around you.

I choose to be friends with him, but that doesn't stop me having other friends too and I'm not going to be jealous when he has other friends. Essentially we choose to be friends because on some level we each feel our lives are more fulfilled by allowing the other person into it.

Similarly, I love my partner and I choose for her to be a part of my life because she brings me a great deal of happiness. I wouldn't argue that she could also find happiness with others and that her life would be richer by having the option to have multiple romantic relationships.

In the same way I'm grateful for having those opportunities. I'm in no rush to collect a harem or to go out and have casual sex with dozens of girls. I've gone on one first date in the last 18 months so I'd hardly say I'm promiscuous, but I do enjoy having the chance to flirt with and potentially meet others if I feel there's chemistry.

So I guess for me the two biggest problems in communicating this all to him are a) That I think to an extent he see's women as a commodity. When I was dating 2 women simultaneously he said things like "you lucky bastard" and "greedy"... phrases like this make me feel he's seeing it as though quantity relates to happiness (rather than quality of connections relating to happiness).

b) When my ex was also in another relationship he would ask questions like "how can you share her?" As though I somehow had some degree of ownership by virtue of her being my girlfriend. How do you escape the notion that relationships equal ownership?

c) Today I was trying to tell him about my date last weekend and he said "I thought you said you and Megan were happy? If you're happy with her why are you going on other dates still?"
 
Define how you see success in this scenario. What is your desired outcome, specifically?
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Good Question.

I suppose for me success represents acceptance amongst my friends and family that this lifestyle makes me happy and that it is a viable long term way to build relationships. I think it's natural that we all want acceptance within our peer groups and this is a fundamental part of who I am (regardless of whether I'm dating none, one, two or more people at a time).

How have others had success breaking it down for people who are just not getting it?
 
LondonGuy said:
I suppose for me success represents acceptance amongst my friends and family that this lifestyle makes me happy and that it is a viable long term way to build relationships.
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So, basically, you want them to forget all the societal and familial conditioning about relationships and monogamy that has been impressed upon them over their lifetimes. Okay, shouldn't be too hard...

:p
 
I suppose for me success represents acceptance amongst my friends and family that this lifestyle makes me happy and that it is a viable long term way to build relationships.
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Is this is your desired outcome, why not just ask for that instead of trying to "teach him things?"

You could ask "Look, even if you don't get it, could you be willing to accept that this lifestyle makes me happy? And that I think it is viable way for me to build my relationships?"

Seems a more direct approach.

You could also play it the other way -- accept he has his views for his relationships and they don't have to match yours. Remember the reason you are friends?

Essentially we choose to be friends because on some level we each feel our lives are more fulfilled by allowing the other person into it.
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Be ok that he is different than you and has a different way of going than you. Especially if you want him to do the behavior back.

a) That I think to an extent he see's women as a commodity. When I was dating 2 women simultaneously he said things like "you lucky bastard" and "greedy"... phrases like this make me feel he's seeing it as though quantity relates to happiness (rather than quality of connections relating to happiness).
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You could ask a clarifying question like "What do you mean when you say "lucky bastard" or "greedy?"

And if language like that bothers you, you could ask him if he is willing to express what he means in a different way without calling you names.

b) When my ex was also in another relationship he would ask questions like "how can you share her?" As though I somehow had some degree of ownership by virtue of her being my girlfriend. How do you escape the notion that relationships equal ownership?
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You are not able to say "I can share her time and attention because I enjoy participating in consensual non-monogamy" and leave it there?

c) Today I was trying to tell him about my date last weekend and he said "I thought you said you and Megan were happy? If you're happy with her why are you going on other dates still?"
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Simplest answer is "Because I enjoy participating in consensual non-monogamy. I can date more than one person and be happy with more than one person."

I guess I'd like to start a thread on what obstacles people have come up against when explaining it to friends/family... how did you get round them?
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There's the thing. I don't see that as an "obstacle." I just see that as "different people are different." I accept all my friends and family have "different interest level in this" and "different understanding/acceptance ability."

Some I just don't bother to tell. They don't live here, don't interact with me much, we aren't that close. Why bother? There I have no interest in sharing.

Some I tell up front and they are NOT fine with it. I accept their comfort level with it belongs to THEM. And it is ok for them to choose not be fine with it.

Some I just tell up front and they are fine with it. In fact, some are poly or have been poly in the past. Or are not poly but believe people live as they see fit and are happy to be all "Yay! Glad things are going well for you" or "aw... bummer" supportive if I have any news from that part of my life I want to share.

One friend in particular had a cow over it, how it was so wrong, horrible, etc. I let her get over the initial shock and in the end we agreed to disagree on that one, each one lives her own life as she sees fit without comment from the other. We hang out as friends, I'm not dating her and she's not dating me, so (what we believe in for our romances) doesn't really apply in our context of (friendship.) Fair enough to me. I have other friends to share poly stuff with. If this friend could not respect personal boundaries and was moralizing at me all the time about it? I would dump her as a friend.

Because of this:

we all want acceptance within our peer groups and this is a fundamental part of who I am (regardless of whether I'm dating none, one, two or more people at a time).
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I'm the one who picks who I hang out with.

Galagirl
 
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Hi LondonGuy,

Franklin Veaux has an excellent Poly FAQ page for people who are new to the idea of polyamory and are skeptical about it. Check it out for yourself, and if your best mate would be willing, ask him to check it out too. It might help you get past some of those obstacles.

Re: "you lucky bastard" and "greedy" ... suggests to my mind that on some subconscious level he wishes he was/could be polyamorous too. Either he doesn't think he could get that "lucky," or his own belief system gets in his way.

Re: "how can you share her" ... reminds me of the common misconception that jealousy is a noble/necessary part of true love. Tell your friend, "I like sharing her. I believe in being generous."

Re: "why would you date others if you're already happy" ... goes back to the "greedy" accusation, he is hinting that on some level he wishes he could be poly too, but his own system of ethics won't let him do that.

But I would be cautious about trying to convince him that polyamory is okay. If his heels are dug in, then trying to convince him could sour your friendship with him. Consider trying to agree to disagree as much as you can, and don't talk to him about poly if you can help it. If you can't help it and he criticizes/complains, say something like, "Sorry, I know you don't like polyamory." If he then wants to argue about it I guess you can argue if you want to, you know him pretty well so you know how much arguing he can stand. It might be impossible to convince him though. Some people simply can't be convinced.

Just some thoughts,
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I have a friend who is like that. he thinks of women as a commodity; relationships must be monogamous, etc. He got tired of hearing me correct him so he doesn't voice his opinion as much. I don't need him to actually accept it. I just need him to not say something stupid if he meets one of my partners.
 
As we age, we may grow up in ways that do not match the ways our oldest friends from childhood are growing up. Pretty common.

For example: I have a very dear friend I have know since grade school. We ran around as crazy teens, we were in the free love generation. Our bfs were often friends with each other.

Suddenly in her early 20s, she gave up her wild ways and became a born again Christian. I remained in the pagan/atheist camp. Then we both got married and had kids, and made different parenting choices. She tried to impress on me to do things her way. I finally got so over her well meaning but unwanted advice, I stopped communicating with her for about 10 years.

Once our kids got to be teens we reconnected and are tight again. And her take on Christianity mellowed, she's not going on and on about God and Jesus anymore. In fact, she still drinks, smokes cigarettes, smokes weed, and get crushes on guys. She is monogamous, but gets quite a bit of vicarious pleasure from hearing about my poly life. (I practiced monogamy with my ex husband for 30 years, but we split when I was 54 and I've been practicing poly for 7 years.)

So. Try to let go of speaking of the areas where you and your friend have parted ways, made different choices. Focus on what you share. If he continues to be judgmental despite your attempts at avoiding the topic, you may need to see him less for a while. Sometimes family and friends can take a good year or more to accept us when we deviate from the older picture they hold of us. It can be any topic, relationship issues, queer issues, parenting choices, career choices, hobbies, you name it.

Give your friend time to just observe your happiness and contentment. He might understand more by just observing it than by addressing the topic verbally and ad nauseum.
 
Magdlyn said:
Give your friend time to just observe your happiness and contentment. He might understand more by just observing it than by addressing the topic verbally and ad nauseum.
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This.


Your friend will pick up FAR more from your feeling confident and content about your choices than he ever will from your words. Don't focus on acceptance from people (and certainly don't focus on perceived obstacles,) but instead focus on what feels good and right for you. They say what they say, but friends and family settle in or sift out according to how you see yourself. YOU set the tone for how people respond to you - and they respond to your tone, your vibe, not to your words or your attempts to get them to understand. Trying to get people to understand you belies that you are not sure footed with you, so focus on your own alignment with your choices and watch the world fall into place around you.

You feel like you've know him forever, but really, you're only 28 and everyone experiences sifting and sorting of the friends who once fit, but perhaps no longer do, especially when they are young and still finding their preferences in life. Our relationships always reflect how we see ourselves and a certain amount of coming and going and morphing and evolution is to be expected as you change over the course of your life. You don't want to hang onto old friends, necessarily, and you can't make people jive with how you see the world unless they're on a similar wavelength. This is normal. This is life and you really don't want it any other way. Let your friend be who he is and if you two drift apart, know that's it's normal and that it simply means you two are finding your ways to who you truly are.
 
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I just had another conversation with the friend I mentioned earlier. We were talking about the apartments near the office. His wife reminded him that my girlfriend used to live there. The conversation went something like this"

"Where does she live now", he asked.

"She lives part time with a boyfriend and part time at her house with her kids."

"With her boyfriend?"

"Yeah, they were sharing that apartment but decided it would be cheaper if she just stayed at his place."

"Oh, are they getting married?"

"No, he is already married."

"Are they fucking?"

"Of course."

"So everyone is just fucking each other."

"Well there is more to it than that. We just all have more than one relationship."

"I don't get that."

"You probably never will."
 
Sorry I've been slow to reply. I seem to have an issue with the username and password on here and it doesn't allow me to log in using my iphone. I've spent the last few nights at my girlfriends so haven't been able to get to the laptop.

I guess for long term it would be nice to see that he sees how happy I am and just accepts it on that basis. For now I'll just settle for stopping the judgy comments.

I'd like my friends and family to know because at one point there is a serious possibility that multiple relationships I am in will develop to a stage where I want to introduce said people to family and friends and say "these wonderful people make me so happy, they are a part of my life, my life is better because of it and I want you to be happy for me".

I've tried touching on the issue with my mum and she doesn't see how love can be pluralised. To her anything outside of monogamy is swinging and that's something she can't wrap her head around. She's been widowed nearly 6 years since my dad passed away - I don't expect her to ever stop loving my dad but I know some companionship might do her some good and I had wondered if a poly way of thinking might help her realise that it's ok to still be in love with my dad while seeking that. She's flat out not interested. It's quite sweet in a way how much she's standing by her morals (and thus standing by my dad) - I guess a person can only measure their own commitment by their own morals after all.
 
I agree, that's sweet of her to stand by your dad like that.
 
I guess for long term it would be nice to see that he sees how happy I am and just accepts it on that basis. For now I'll just settle for stopping the judgy comments.
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That seems reasonable. You can ask him to accept you feel happy and stop making judgemental comments.

I'd like my friends and family to know because at one point there is a serious possibility that multiple relationships I am in will develop to a stage where I want to introduce said people to family and friends and say "these wonderful people make me so happy, they are a part of my life, my life is better because of it and I want you to be happy for me".
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Can't make people be happy for you. How they feel is up to them, not you. A more realistic and attainable thing might be

"these wonderful people make me so happy, they are a part of my life, my life is better because of it. I wanted to share that with you."​

Sharing news is totally within your scope -- you can share all the news you want.

(And hopefully they can be happy for you when you do it.)

Galagirl
 
It is possible for people to learn to accept it when they understand. My ex-boyfriend, last spring when we were still together, took the leap of telling his best-friend-since-high-school about our relationship. The friend started off with "Dude, you're screwing a married woman? You're going to get a bullet in the chest!" But over a few conversations, my ex managed to clarify to his friend that, while yes I was married, he'd met my husband, they were civil, my husband had no problems... and, most importantly, my ex was happy with the relationship (at that point). He ended up setting up an outing with me and his friend so the two of us could meet, and the friend, after asking me some questions about how polyamory worked in my life, ended up expressing interest in exploring it more himself.

Not sure where that stands now, since about three months later my ex "downgraded" our relationship to a platonic relationship-friendship hybrid, and then a couple months after that broke up with me entirely because he found a monogamous woman and decided she was a better fit for him...
 
The reaction I get the most from friends, acquaintances, and even coworkers (I am by and large "out" and will have an attempt at tactfully discussing my relationships with basically anyone) is:

"I could never do that."

I always respond with, "No, it's not for everyone, and I don't think it ever will be, but I'm having a wonderful time." But I really want to say something more like "No one is asking you to do that, and I never implied that you should try."

I've also been known to brag on having Fire and Hefe give me massages at the same time, because it's a wonderful experience that frankly makes me pity everyone who isn't me...
 
Spork said:
The reaction I get the most from friends, acquaintances, and even coworkers (I am by and large "out" and will have an attempt at tactfully discussing my relationships with basically anyone) is:

"I could never do that."

I always respond with, "No, it's not for everyone, and I don't think it ever will be, but I'm having a wonderful time." But I really want to say something more like "No one is asking you to do that, and I never implied that you should try."
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I can kind of empathize with the "I could never do that" comment, a bit (I tried to discuss it a bit in this blog post: http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/2015/02/hodgepodge-part-one.html )

To me, it's trying to put myself in the context of what's being said; it's a means of relating to the person or topic. If I can't relate, I say so. It's not a judgment, but more of an "I don't understand this" type of thing.

I can see how it comes across as judgey, and I've tried to watch that turn of phrase in general, but there are some folks who don't mean it that way, myself included. Maybe asking someone like me (if you're interested in a discussion) about what they would find hard about it would make for a good discussion.
 
YouAreHere said:
I can kind of empathize with the "I could never do that" comment, a bit (I tried to discuss it a bit in this blog post: http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/2015/02/hodgepodge-part-one.html )

To me, it's trying to put myself in the context of what's being said; it's a means of relating to the person or topic. If I can't relate, I say so. It's not a judgment, but more of an "I don't understand this" type of thing.

I can see how it comes across as judgey, and I've tried to watch that turn of phrase in general, but there are some folks who don't mean it that way, myself included. Maybe asking someone like me (if you're interested in a discussion) about what they would find hard about it would make for a good discussion.
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I'm aware that this is the spirit behind that comment which is why I refrain from snarking at people who say it...and simply acknowledge that I understand, this is one of many things in my life that I take great joy in, that just isn't everybody's cuppa tea. That's cool. Variety is after all the spice of life, no? I've been hugely into a band for most of my life that just as many people would rather be set on fire than listen to or see live, so this sentiment ain't new to me. It's alright.

The most recent was a lady who informed me that she could never do such a thing because of the teachings of Jesus. I am not religious (although I do place a very high regard on FAITH, they are different things) so that was a whole "we're gonna have to agree to disagree, respectfully" kind of encounters...
 
But, hey! Wasn't Jesus' mom kind of technically polyamorous?

Just askin' here...

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
But, hey! Wasn't Jesus' mom kind of technically polyamorous?

Just askin' here...

Leetah
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I...have my theories about that. But I'm not tryin' to offend people, so I'mma keep my mouth shut...

Hi there, LEETAH...Shade and sweet water to you! ;)
 
Hi Spork! Sun bless you. Yeah, stayin' out of trouble is good.

Leetah
 
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