Sailing Solo

Try to talk to him less! It's over. He might want closure but you don't owe him anything! Just delete his emails and texts. When you NEED to discuss your apartment, do so. Keep it short and sweet and ignore his attempts to castigate you.

You're working on your own emotional health. You have a respectful bf now. You take care of you and let Prof swirl in his own beliefs and issues. No longer your problem.
 
I am trying to make the break-up work. :rolleyes: My relationship with is my ex is awful that I don't want a repeat of that. But this is why I am going into therapy, took work on my need to fix things and the never ending feeling of responsibility. I do want Prof to take some responsibility, he is sticking with the idea that the shouting came out of the blue and there were no other factors involved other than I can't take honesty. Oh and he did get my messages asking to reschedule but says anything less than 24 hours is a blow off.

Mr Dom is away on his trip. Sent a couple of check in texts which was sweet. It is so different than the stressed out mess I was when Prof went of his 3 day trip.

But I am functioning as a stressed out mess on a daily basis, confidence is very low IP. I am doubting most things that I do. I need to start applying for jobs but feel everything will be even more stressful than I have now.
I am going to call for a cleaner today, that is some practical help and will free up time for the bigger house projects. I don't see many other solutions for the rest of pile of life, just keep trucking on.
 
Mr Dom went shopping! Wow did he go shopping!
I had shown him some pics of Prof's never used playroom and he used then as a guide to byt a ton of gear. I can't see what all he got from the pic but def a whip, flogger, metal cuffs, lots of leather cuffs, collar, and some other leather pieces. I loooove the metal cuffs. Prof has a real set of prison issue.
I went round to my BFF during the day and had tea and tears. It helped. My single mom colleague friend also with a crappy ex also said she is on the edge too. Helps to feel you are not alone.
 
I am not in perimenopause I am well into menopause. So I am going hormonally nuts not regular nuts :D I am very much on the young side which is why 2+2 did not get put together until I saw the lady Dr.
Doesn't change the Prof thing. I want to be with someone who wants to spank my ass and fuck me on a regular basis with a hard cock and is not a workaholic.
Doesn't change the supports that I am putting into place either. But the knowledge is such a relief.
 
Atlantis said:
Mr Dom went shopping! Wow did he go shopping!
I had shown him some pics of Prof's never used playroom and he used then as a guide to byt a ton of gear. I can't see what all he got from the pic but def a whip, flogger, metal cuffs, lots of leather cuffs, collar, and some other leather pieces. I loooove the metal cuffs. Prof has a real set of prison issue.
I went round to my BFF during the day and had tea and tears. It helped. My single mom colleague friend also with a crappy ex also said she is on the edge too. Helps to feel you are not alone.
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Glad you got some irl support. Playing with Mr Dom and the glorious new toys should be cathartic and fun for you too! Woohoo!
 
Mr Dom's day consists of out-of-state GF in the morning, OKCwoman for dinner and me for late evening/night. I know which time slot I'd rather have and it is the one that involves getting naked and playing with the new toys :D
The anxiety/stress is freaking awful, the physiological response is very impactful . I realise now that it has been going on for months, I feel like the frog in the pot of boiling water analogy. Now I living my life with fuck, fuck, fuck that is hot, hot, hot. The big difference is I now know what is going on. It is ok to feel like this, it is going to last for a while but it will end.

I have given myself license to have lots of sex. Poor Prof, no wonder he couldn't keep up, my sex drive is pretty high. Mr Dom is willing to take one or two for the team and I will see Jay too. Mr Dom is cool with not taking up every free second that I have, so there maybe room for one more. But if things continue, sex wise, with how things are going with Mr Dom then there should not be a need.
Screaming on the inside but holding it together on the outside.
 
Wow. No wonder you've not been feeling like yourself.

Your prescription of lots of sex sounds like exactly what you need. Help you get through a difficult time. :) Have loads of fun.
 
I had two hours of the intense hormonal anxiety yesterday afternoon and used the weirdness to power some cleaning. The place looks very good. I am also exercising as much as possible and lucky for Mr Dom that I went to yoga the day before...
So, he brought his Dom kit. We didn't get to use all of it :D The leather pieces were lovely, all matchy matchy. He went to a proper leather store in the city and got good quality, well finished pieces. I find it highly erotic to watch in a mirror while things get clipped and unclipped and also look pretty and by pretty I mean black leather with shiny metal rings. I love the sound of the metal going ting. He got a restraining belt which I have never tried before and used my existing leather clippy bits as well as he had bought a Y shaped chain with clips. The loves trying out different combinations and I love being manipulated while he does it.
One of the good things about dating a medical person is how he moves my body. It is hard to describe but he obviously knows what he is doing, gentle yet firm. He likes breath play and choking. I feel safe with him doing that because again, he knows what he is doing and we are very clear on how much is ok for me.
There was so much fucking and clipping and moving limbs. A double-headed Wartenberg wheel; I really enjoyed that. We had noise limits so no flogger but a little test play with the crop. I am looking forward to Weds because there are a number of items that didn't make it out of the packets to try :D
It is so awesome being a sub. I work to be fit, strong, flexible and compliant. In return I get to feel amazing. He seems to enjoy it so win-win.
 
HI NYC, I am not posting much because there is a lot in transition. Still reading everyday though.
I went to therapy with Prof. We agreed that we are not completely done and would be back for a second session. The therapist asked us not to contact each other for 2 weeks. I blew it twice in the first week. I sent one short email and one voicemail. Prof did not reply to either. The therapist also asked each of us not to date. I blew it in the first week, 3 dates with Mr Dom and one with Kip. Will make it the second week date free.
Many deep conversations with Mr Dom, we both agree that each other is not what we are looking for. I want want some version of love, he is trying to break that pattern. He wants a fun sex partner without the commitment, open relationship, I am trying to break that pattern. I want to feel loved and chosen. Remember the baby in the Jim Henson type Dinosaur tv show? He used to say "Not the Mama." With Prof I feel like " Not Ms Text" and "Not Ms WPF." But you are here and reliable and stroke my ego, so you will do. I realise that I have been avoiding deep commitment for a number of years. My escape hatches are many and kept partially open at all times. When in doubt, run! Any sign of conflict, head for the hills. But around the Eurotrip time I began to want different.
The therapist asked me to list what I want in a relationship. I replied someone to make me tea and answer the phone in an emergency. He asked me what about the bigger issues, love, loyalty, trust. I was shocked. People want and get those in a relationship? You can ask for more than the occasional cup of tea? And I have been asking for more for Prof, I just didn't know how to ask for it and say what I wanted because I didn't really know what I wanted. I have been so anti-hierarchical that I put my needs below those of women I have never met. On the other hand Prof has failed on the communication in many ways too. Pick, Pick, pick, and criticize to fit the mold but I will never be Ms Text or Ms WPF and to be honest I don't want to be.

What does this have to do with Mr Dom? Breaking patterns, wanting to do things differently, making vows to ourselves not to get into the same type of relationships over again. The unrealistic vows are a theme of the week. Problem is, we really like each other. He does falling in love after 10 minutes, I do physically and emotionally unavailable. My therapist has called me on that already, too much head not enough heart. He is a male therapist. I chose a male because I thought I could avoid the emotional stuff. ROFLMAO.
I keep trying to end things with Mr Dom. Bottom line is, we are on different paths. We both want different. There is no middle ground. We both have vowed/committed to not wanting the same pattern. But we schedule, invite, plan, have great sex, talk, talk, talk, work on issues, share. After having one more conversation on Thursday night which ended with Mr Dom saying "I can't give you what you want." ( love and a primary type partnership) I had to call it. Enough. Same old, same old. Time to walk away. Come Friday we are talking and texting. He said he realised after the phone call ended that he really cared. What we have is different to his other serial monogamous relationships or is it? And I feel that he is a different unavailable man, or is he? He is going to find a couples therapist and we will go together. We considered using mine but he calls me on my crap and I don't want to get things too mixed up. If Prof wants to continue therapy then I will ask the same thing, we need to find someone different and let me stick with the person I like for individual.

I am prepared to end both relationships but end them because the fundamentals don't align, not because of miscommunication. I feel ready to let go of much of the baggage that I collected during my marriage and stop letting it cloud future relationships. One or more of my current relationships maybe salvageable or they may not. I will be ok with either result.

I like therapy. It was interesting watching Prof do the denial thing. The therapist asked him if he in anyway contributed to my blow-up. Prof said, "No". Therapist asked him if the term" abuse" was an over the top way to describe a meltdown, Prof said, "No." Does Atlantis have a pattern of explosive meltdowns. "No." Turns out I triggered memories of his ex-wife screaming at him. Prof's unrealistic vow was to never let that happen again. Never let anyone shout at him ever.

The Mystery City Friends told Prof he was crazy to even try to work on our relationship. The "Mystery City Friends" make yet another non-appearance. I have a feeling they are mostly ex or current lovers.
I feel ok about not contacting Prof till I see him in therapy next week. First week was hard. I really did miss him.

Mr Dom's daughter is here for the weekend so I won't see him and will have minimal contact until Monday. He was amused/annoyed that I didn't tell him the therapist told me not to date for 2 weeks but is totally behind not meeting until after my next session.

Work is very up in the air, but I have 4 applications in to new jobs.
Kids are great. Sick cat is better.

Edited to add: I read Mr Dom pieces from my blog last weekend, he wanted to know why I didn't mention his dog. So now the dog needs a nickname. Dr Who style K-9.
 
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I have only had 3 sessions and oddly enough they are not all about Prof or Mr Dom. It has been mostly about setting aside both relationships and looking at what I want from any relationship.
Mr Dom is telling me over and over again that he doesn't want a GF. He wants to date and have at least one, if not 2, years as a single man. We have to think carefully if we are doing the same thing over again. I am going for an unavailable man and he is running straight from one GF to the next. It looks like we are repeating the same pattern with the same justification of, "But I really like you." The odds are I will be entirely single in the next few weeks. I am fine with that if it leads to some fundamental changes.
I am not just walking away this time. Mags called me on the same behavior a year or so ago, I get into a relationship mess and walk away. I played a part in the demise of Prof and me and I appear to be pulling the same crap with Mr Dom. Time to stop and really look at things. I am not alone in using a therapist to help end a relationship. Jay is doing it and a friend if a friend is doing it.
I did mention the sex stuff just a tiny bit and the slapping will definitely come up. I am not avoiding those issues just haven't got round to them yet.
 
Mr Dom has family to visit for the weekend. He has a thing about letting GFs meet his family. GF of 1.5 years was not allowed to meet his adult son who was in town.The GF packed up all his his stuff and threw it out into the garden. GF of 5 years got dumped after objecting to his adult daughter joining them on them on a vacation. I forget the exact reason why, but I told him the GF was pretty much right and no wonder the GF refused, nothing to do with daughter, totally to do with Mr Dom's behavior. He had been making it out to be that the GF was unreasonable up until he told me the truth. He told me the chances of meeting his family are virtually 0, yet he wants the therapists advice on how to be introduced to my kids. His kids are are 32, 27, and 24. Mine haven't reached double digits yet. I am fine with not meeting one of kids this weekend; too soon after last GF or whatever. But this sounds like a serious ongoing issue. I get to be the not-GF that no-one ever meets, again.
Mr Dom has a great expression. "Everyone is paying someone else's bills." meaning the current partner is having to deal with the baggage of new partners previous relationships. As we get older the baggage gets more voluminous and heavier. As we get older we make more vows to ourselves, "No way will anyone ever treat me like that again." New partner has the fun of navigating through the minefield of that.
My BFF is laughing that I may be in couples therapy with 2 men and one therapist by myself. The time commitment is daunting but it is time for some trained professional third party input. It is also very interesting.
 
Atlantis said:
But this sounds like a serious ongoing issue. I get to be the not-GF that no-one ever meets, again.
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And do you really want to go down that route again? Granted I'm a young green horn and have two failed relationships, but geeze, I can't imagine getting into the same situation again with somebody who's being pretty upfront about getting me into it.

The story literally made me cringe. Bless that GF for having the balls to toss him out.

"But I really like you." Yes I'm cynical right now, but Bear pulled the same crap on me. I was "different". Until you realize they aren't going to really change unless something drastic happens or they actually take steps to get passed their stuff.

I'd hate to hear you get hurt again. Good luck with all this.
 
We talked a little more about it today. He has been filling me in on his childhood and why he doesn't want anyone to meet his kids even if they are adults. He has good reason not to, and good reason to want to make sure I know what I am doing with my kids. The word we made up is "hypercautious.' He is very willing to do some therapy around the issue, either individually or as a couple. But I did say to him that he doesn't get to be part of my family activities if he can't look at his own issues.
I find it hard not to look at my own single-mum parenting skills through his eyes. He is not judgmental and, in fact, says he thinks I am doing a great job, but I am very sensitive to criticism and have a lot of self-doubt on the subject as it is. The one good thing Prof did say about me in our therapy session was that my parenting is "exemplary". So why the adult males I know say I am doing a great job, I am not an adult male.

The kids do not seem bothered by Prof's disappearance at all. I did send a text and pic on behalf of #1 kid, but #1 kid has not asked any follow up questions about it. I also booked a camping trip and they didn't ask if Prof was coming. I think I have done quite a good job of making it normal for people to come and go with extended periods of absence in between, after all they rarely see my side of the family and oddly see even less of the Ex's even though they live 6-7 hours away as opposed to $5k away. They had no concern about not seeing Joe after I broke up with him. And please don't get the idea that they have some kind of attachment disorder, they are kids and ask to hang out with their kid friends and do kid stuff. The adults don't hold much interest for them. Adults drink tea and talk. :D

In typical one-foot-in and one-foot-out style I am not ready to entirely commit to the whole coupley thing with Mr Dom just yet either. It seems so soon to be doing this. Therapy after 3 months? But I also feel that if you are going to start working on the big issues then you might as well get moving on them, and Mr Dom says he would like to start working on them with me.
I am trying to be a little more patient than usual and Mr Dom is actually very patient. Being patient currently means giving things a little time to work out by themselves. It is very hard for me to actively work on things.
 
Therapy is great. I have a name for my preferred relationship communication style, "Shut Down and Bail." As you may guess from the name, it is not a very effective technique.
I did it last night to Mr Dom. We had some very awesome and intense sex and I didn't want to talk after, so I went home. I was not upset about anything, just didn't want to talk and as he had to sleep on the sofa with his bashed up ribs, was on-call for work and if I was going to sleep alone then I'd rather do it in my own bed. I called him on the drive back home, it takes about 50 minutes and we talked for the next 2 hours. He asked me to tell him next time that I am fine but don't want to talk. I said it is hard to talk when you don't want to talk, there are no words. I can listen but can't verbalize, hard to describe.
He broke down the "Don't want a GF," statement in to the underlying sentiment of, "Don't want to recreate a co-dependent relationship in the same way I have done with ever other relationship." He told his daughter about me last weekend, told her about the other partners too. He said he felt that he had failed with his "No GF" plan for the year. His daughter told him it was fine, she didn't need him to do it for her. He is clear about not wanting to be someone's everything and not wanting to spend 100% of their free time together. I told him I had scheduled our weekend time together to end at 12 pm on Sunday so I have some time to myself. No worries on that front :) I got very used to not planning weekend daytime together with Prof, I will be seeing Mr Dom possibly Friday night, he has a dinner date first, I have plans all day Saturday until 5pm, we are going to a concert on Saturday night with my friend and then he gets me till 12pm on Sunday. Definitely not every moment.
The sex continues to be off the charts fantastic with him. I asked him for a booty call on Monday night, which he willingly provided.:D Last night was all about the sex. I arrived at his, ate my take out, chatted a little and then sat and smiled at him till we got naked and fucked for 2 hours. We are going for a 5 nights sex challenge, can't do 6 as he is back on call and I have kids. The challenge is to see if I get to the point where I don't want sex, I want a night off to read or watch tv.
It is hard work putting the feelings and wants out there, especially the wants. My homework assignment from therapy last week was to write a list of "wants and "don't wants." It was tough, especially the bigger picture "wants" like trust and loyalty, my focus is on the small stuff like, "make me a cup of tea every now and then."
No Prof at last night's meeting. He is supposed to show up next week. I am allowed to reopen contact a little. I mailed him a check and left a simple voicemail saying a little contact is ok.
 
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Did I say I say Kip a couple of weeks ago? We had a nice catch up and some good sex.
He had been showing quite the green streak towards Mr Dom and told me this morning that he felt our special connection had gone.
This drives me nuts, ask for the details then get pissy when you hear the answers and throw them back at me later. Prof does the same thing. I had a few hints that it was coming and wanted to see if I was correct in that he really had a jealous streak. No big loss.
Mr Dom just came into my office. I told him he had to be my friend and I was basically going to avoid introducing him to anyone. He seemed to take it very well, but stopped in the middle of the hallway in front of my department, just to show who is Dom, and then got into a big chat with my boss.:rolleyes: It was pretty funny and he did it simply to get a reaction out of me. He told me that and told me I owed him an act of service for not kissing him in the parking lot. He did look very handsome in his suit :D but there are security cameras everywhere.
After opening up communication with Prof I almost arranged to meet him for lunch but then backed out. I can't eat when I am stressed and I wanted a short meeting, lunch seemed like a big commitment. I also don't want to get into a relationship discussion. We might meet tonight for a drink. I would like to see both him and Mr Dom. 2 relationships. Fancy that! 2 relationships at once, who has ever heard of such a thing!
 
The meeting with Prof went well. Just an hour. He gave me some stuff that he had bought me for the house. I think we maybe able to salvage something. I want to salvage something but it will be on a whole new set of terms. We mostly avoided relationship issues. He admitted to fucking up sometimes, in a general, not specific relationship way. I see that he sees my shouting at him as 'abusing" him, not the correct word in my opinion, but looks like I am paying for the baggage from his marriage on that subject. I see that my communication with him was failing on many levels and I gave up my voice way back in the Ms Text days.
Mr Dom got into my bad books on friday/saturday. After me repeatedly telling him to cancel our late night Friday evening and him insisting he wanted to come round after his date, he turned up at 3am. I felt very disrespected. He is stickler for sticking to the schedule and was very clear that changing prearranged time for other dates was not going to be ok. So first, he scheduled Ms Taco over the top of our Friday, which I said I was not all that happy about but ok. Then the 10-11pm turned into 3 am. no word until he was sitting in my street wondering about the noise the garage would make. I admitted to being hurt and let down. I admitted that it was like waiting for my ex to come home or get the call from jail saying he was picked up by the police. I said I was very frustrated that he had been so insistent on the calendar rules then changed them because he has cancelled his date with Ms Taco to accommodate his daughter's trip and I kept telling him it was ok to let it go for one night but let's not make a habit of it.
But I did not shut down and bail. I told him how I felt. He agreed he had f'ed up. We had great make-up sex. And then more morning sex.
Last night we went to a concert. One of my friend's came too and we had a really good evening. Mr Dom says I am a great person to do activities with. :D
Today we did the couple stuff again. He came with me to do my weekend chores and pushed the cart in the store for me. It may not seem like much but it is part of the monogamy dream; someone to do regular things with. My ex never helped with groceries. His idea of helping was me only having to take one of the kids with me. He did a couple of small projects while I did the kitchen. I asked him to help. :eek: Scary shit.
Then we had more sex. :D The Dom bag came out. He got into the crop today. My ass is a little stingy. :D
 
Prof got the therapy appointment time wrong, so we met after to talk. He is undecided if he wants to continue in a romantic relationship with me, but asked me to research a couples therapist. He seemed to want to get back together but also put up a number of hoops to be jumped through. If nothing else I am developing a little patience and have moved into "I would love it if he does," but also " Understand if he doesn't."

Prof said he imagines the impact on the kids must be hard due me crying all the time in front of them. I said I don't. He said they must be upset to hear me crying at night. I said I don't. How strange he imagines that.

Mr Dom is fabulous. I am falling for him in all sorts of ways. He did ask me to stop talking so much about Prof because he feels he has lost his objectivity because he cares about me. :D very sweet. Ms Taco is getting the axe due to bad sex and the desire for " forever monogamy love," he said it was mostly the bad sex. He is having a sleepover tonight but will be on the sofa by the time we all have to get up. I asked if the kids if that was ok and they said fine.

I am doing the kid thing slowly. Still only meet twice in 3 months. Tomorrow may or may not be the third time depending on when Mr Dom leaves. He has to be in the city very early, starting from here knocks nearly an hour of the travel time which is why he is staying past his normal 5am leave time. He is very anxious about his interactions with the kids based on his childhood experiences with his mum and her trail of boyfriends and stray people that she would bring home for whatever period of time.

I have been texting with Jay he may or may not come round tomorrow to catch up and fuck. He is apparently seeing someone else, who he never actually sees due to scheduling and has never had sex with her. Interesting definition of seeing someone.

I got pink-slipped at work ( notice that I may or may not be rehired when my contract ends ) . I am very unsure of what I what I want to do, mostly just get the job that will let me finish my classes and then back out of management. I don't want to the big boss, I was looking for the salary increase. I did not get called for interview at one of the jobs I applied for and not heard back from 3 others yet. Apparently there is much hiring from in-house. I heard a rumor that the person who got my dream job a few years back maybe leaving. The rumor coming from the person themselves. I would certainly go for that position. I was ticked off that the position never got advertised, seems to be the way of things right now.
 
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